DEAR ABBY: Like many others, I never thought I'd be writing to you. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. About two years ago, he started getting very bullheaded and selfish -- even the people at work mentioned it.

Our sex life was always OK until about two months ago, when he bought a video camcorder and announced that he wanted to videotape us having sex! Abby, I have never been a prude, but that's where I draw the line. I tried to talk him out of it, but he said he would not have sex with me again unless it was on film.

I asked him to go to counseling with me. He refused -- saying I was the one with the problem. I asked him to have a medical checkup. He refused. I tried to tell him how degrading it would be for me, etc., but to no avail. He has been badgering me every night for two months!

I am at my wit's end. I am sick to death of his badgering, and I don't know what to do. I've even thought of divorcing him, but I still love him, and we are just approaching the time when we could travel and enjoy life. I'm signing my real name, city and state, but please don't use them in your column, as I would be very distressed if anyone we knew found out about this. -- LIVING A NIGHTMARE

DEAR LIVING: You surely know that your husband is a sick man. You absolutely must get him to a doctor for a psychiatric evaluation. Please don't treat this as anything other than a potentially life-threatening illness. Your husband's behavior could be symptomatic of a brain disorder (possibly a tumor). You must talk to your family physician about your husband's sudden personality change. And please write again and give me a progress report.

DEAR ABBY: Maybe you can shed some light on a problem that has been bothering me. Can you tell me why my husband, who is nearly 70 (but in excellent health), has in recent years become more and more "allergic" to soap and water?

Many of my friends of approximately the same age have confided to me that they have the same problem with their husbands. Is there a psychological or physiological explanation for this behavior -- or is it just another way men have of aggravating their wives? -- COLUMBUS, GA.

DEAR COLUMBUS: I have heard this complaint before, but it applies to women as well as men. There is no single explanation, but I offer the following: As a person ages, one's senses -- hearing and sight -- grow dull, so why not the sense of smell as well?

Some older people may find it difficult or inconvenient to bathe daily. It's also possible that they do not change their undergarments daily. Arthritis might also make it painful to wash themselves thoroughly.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "GOT IT BAD IN HARTFORD, CONN." Please send "Mr. Wonderful" on his way. There is no situation as hopeless as a single woman who's got it bad for a married man who never had it so good.

"How to Be Popular" is an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I need your help. Yesterday, I invited my sister-in-law over for dinner. She came with her dog.

When we were clearing the dishes off the table, she took a plate with some leftovers, set it on the floor, and let her dog clean the plate. I was appalled!

This was the second time she has done this. I said nothing because there were other guests and I didn't want to embarrass her.

When we had pets, they had their own dishes.

I hate going to her house for dinner because I know that every dish and bowl has been licked by her dog. She has no dishwasher. How would your readers react?

She reads your column, and I am hoping she will realize how offensive this is to some people. -- NAME WITHHELD

DEAR NAME WITHHELD: Have I got an idea for an ideal house gift for you to give your sister-in-law!

Buy a couple of dog dishes especially for her dog. You can order some with the dog's name on them. (The dog can't read -- but your sister-in-law can.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for many years of sensible, down-to-earth answers to problems that may or may not have entered my life -- they were enlightening anyway. Now for my silly problem. My husband and I (70ish) recently took a trip in our RV and stopped at a favorite restaurant in Pennsylvania that serves "family style." In other words, platters of food are on the table for all to share.

Upon leaving, I visited the ladies room, and since the woman attendant was bustling around the lavatories, I skipped washing my hands, intending to do so in the RV. I was shocked when the attendant stopped me and asked if I was entering the dining room. I said, "No, I'm leaving." It was very embarrassing, to say the least. I've heard of "potty parity" -- what is this? "Potty police"? Is this custom prevalent? -- RED-FACED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR RED-FACED: I've never heard of it, but the attendant must be a mother. And once a mother, always a mother. Old habits die hard.

DEAR ABBY: I'm only 13, but I really need your help. Recently, the mother of one of my friends was strangled in her home. She is a classmate of mine and I'll have to talk to her because the thought of ignoring it sounds unbelievably rude. The problem is, I have no idea what to say!

I don't want to hurt her. What should I say? Or would it be better to say nothing at all? -- LOST FOR WORDS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LOST: Say, "I'm sorry about your mom ..."

People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl who often reads your column. I was wondering how I could get -- or make -- a legal will. I have few valuables, so it's mostly personal stuff that I want given to certain people.

I don't want my parents to know. Please send me some information on this. Thank you. -- NO NAME, PLEASE

DEAR NO NAME: It is rather unusual for a 14-year-old to inquire about how to make a legal will. I am concerned about why a person so young would want this information.

Regardless of how strict your parents may seem to be, in times of serious trouble they are your best friends. However, since you do not want your parents to know, please talk to your school counselor. And please don't be afraid to tell the counselor what it is that troubles you. Only if you discuss your problems can you get the help you deserve.

Please talk to the counselor immediately, and then write again and let me know how you are. I care.

DEAR ABBY: Can you stand one more story about a phony money-making scheme?

My mother, a widow who lives on her Social Security, received a telephone call advising her that she had won three prizes -- an automobile, $10,000 in diamonds, and her choice of a vacation in Hawaii, California or Florida! Well, Mama thought she had died and gone to heaven!

The man on the phone told her that all she had to do was let them send her their "products" to try; the products were free, but she had to pay for shipping, handling and insurance, which was "only $699.99."

Then the caller asked Mother if she had either MasterCard or Visa. She said she had MasterCard. So she was asked to give him her card number. She became suspicious and hung up! The man called her back saying, "We must have been disconnected." Then Mother said, "I'm sorry, I was advised never to give my credit card number to anyone on the telephone." She then hung up and immediately called the Better Business Bureau to report this company. She was thanked, and then told that they already had the name of this company on file!

Abby, please run this in your column. There are still plenty of people who might fall for this kind of scam. -- NO FOOL IN PHOENIX

DEAR NO FOOL: You would be amazed to learn how many people continue to fall for this kind of scam. I have warned my readers never to give their credit card numbers on the telephone. Thanks for the reminder.

DEAR ABBY: I appreciated your column on "faking it" -- especially the letter from "Deserves an Academy Award" who wrote: "Of course I fake it. All women do. I adore my husband, but he couldn't find my erogenous zone with a road map."

Well, we have been happily married for 51 years, and my husband did not need a road map to find my erogenous zone. I gave him directions. -- HAPPY IN OHIO

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)