DEAR ABBY: Our 42-year-old son and his wife live in the same city with us. We never make demands on them and are self-sufficient and able to take care of our needs. We do, however, enjoy seeing them, and invite them to join us for dinner from time to time.

They never drop in, but we would be delighted if they would. My husband and I never go to them uninvited, and they rarely invite us over.

When friends or relatives visit us from out of town, we would like to include our son and his wife and ask them to share a meal. But when we do, they seem very annoyed and resentful and claim that our guests are ours, and they don't want to be bothered.

I occasionally coax them by telling them that if they would come, they are free to leave anytime and don't have to give up the whole evening. I try to be thoughtful -- they call it "manipulative."

It upsets us terribly that our adult son can't understand that family relationships mean a lot to us, and we would be proud to have our friends and relatives meet him and his wife. When he and his brothers were growing up, our home was always open to all their friends.

He is a nice and pleasant person, but he refuses to give of himself. We can't seem to make him understand that caring adults sometimes make an effort to please others -- not just themselves. What are your thoughts on this, Abby? -- CARING PARENTS

DEAR PARENTS: For whatever reason, your son is not interested in maintaining a close relationship with you or "the relatives." Too bad he has never learned the joy of doing something for the sheer pleasure it affords others. Your "nice, pleasant" son is also selfish.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Puzzled in Florida" who couldn't decide how to list her daughter's race, since she is half-white and half-Chinese.

I am a white American; my wife is a black Jamaican. When I filled out the census form, I, too, was puzzled. Our sons are neither white nor black -- certainly not Oriental -- and much more is implied by "other."

Our oldest son resolved the problem by saying, "Dad, we are 'biracial.'"

A group of similar kids and teachers in his high school formed a "biracial" social club and coined the term. It is an obvious and correct answer. Sign me as ... BILL K., STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR READERS: The "Carole and Rick in Delaware," whose wedding invitations contained an insert suggesting that a check made out to the Chutzpah Travel Agency toward a Hawaiian honeymoon would be appreciated, are not Carole and Rick Ratel.

The recently wed Carole and Rick Ratel of Delaware also had a Hawaiian honeymoon -- but it was paid for in advance as a gift from the father of the bride.

I am indebted to Mrs. Patricia E. McDaniels of Newark, Del., the mother of the bride, for setting the record straight.

People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had my eyes examined by an ophthalmologist who should have had his head examined. I am considering sending HIM a bill for services inadvertently rendered. Let me explain:

Dr. Toad (not his real name) must think that his female patients are so preoccupied with their eyes that they will not notice that the doctor's knee, arm, chest or whatever is pressing against them with more than ordinary pressure in this dark and very quiet examining room. (Actually, my knee was being sexually assaulted.)

Had I said anything, he would have feigned unawareness of any undue familiarity and accused me of having a dirty mind. So, I decided to handle this in my own way. From now on, anyone who treats me like a lady for hire will get my bill in the mail.

Any comment? -- RUBBED THE WRONG WAY

DEAR RUBBED: Yes. Anyone, male or female, who feels that a professional is behaving unprofessionally should speak out immediately on arriving at that conclusion.

And should it happen a second time, a letter of complaint should be addressed to the county medical association.

DEAR ABBY: That snob who wrote to you, fearing that her uneducated in-laws might corrupt her son's English, was abominable. There are many more important things in life than correct grammar.

My late father, the son of Jewish immigrants, had to quit school at 14 to go to work. He and my late mother went on to become very successful businesspeople who sweated blood to educate their children.

I have always felt that what my parents achieved with very little education is far more impressive than what I have achieved.

My father's grammar may not have been as good as mine, but he was by far the better man. He was also highly respected in his community.

That snob who wrote to you, fearing that her uneducated in-laws might corrupt her son's English, should get off her high horse. Self-made people like her uneducated in-laws -- and my parents -- have a lot more to offer than some people who collect diplomas and degrees.

I would give everything I own if I could hear my parents talk in their poor English for only one more hour.

You may definitely use my name. -- CHARLES S. LIPTON, M.D., BOXBORO, MASS.

DEAR ABBY: Just a note to thank you for publishing information on how to find a long-lost relative through the Salvation Army.

I did just that, and they found my brother -- not in this country, but in Scotland! He and our mother had a reunion after 39 years! Abby, it's all because of your column. How can I thank you? -- LOU FARTHING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LOU: You just did.

By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My problem is my wife. She will not go to the doctor for regular checkups. She is 43, a professional, and we are not poor.

We have no children. She is apparently healthy, but she refuses to go for checkups, Pap smears, mammograms, etc. Her last visit to a doctor was at least eight years ago. (She also rarely goes to a dentist.)

I have yelled, threatened, cajoled, asked nicely, clipped newspaper and magazine articles concerning the necessity for women to get regular checkups -- nothing works. I go to the doctor regularly and I'm sure she realizes it's important, but she will not do it.

We have been married for 13 years. I love her very much and would like to grow old with her. What can I do? -- OUT OF IDEAS

DEAR OUT OF IDEAS: Short of hog-tying her, there is nothing you can do. Every intelligent person realizes that routine periodic checkups (physical and dental) are essential to maintaining good health, and early detection in case there is a problem has saved many lives.

All you can do is pray that your wife continues to be one of the lucky ones.

DEAR ABBY: I know that you probably don't think that you need another hiccup cure, but let me assure you that I have used this trick now for nearly 10 years, and I am usually very successful.

I was convinced after the development of the Heimlich maneuver that it was possible to eliminate annoying hiccups with a simple maneuver without the need for sugar, water, pencils, etc., which may not always be available on short notice.

I have suffered with hiccups for years. I get them easily, and I have mastered this technique so well that I usually can eliminate them in one attempt -- and I can do this anywhere, anytime.

This is all you have to do: Focus on your breathing -- do not get distracted; take several deep breaths (hold the last one for as long as possible); then, before you exhale, swallow. Novices may need four or five tries -- but it gets easy with practice. Concentrating on the breathing and swallowing before you exhale are the keys to success.

I hope that you will pass this on to your readers. You may call it "Marie's Maneuver" or "Beyer's Remedy," but whatever you call it -- it has been invaluable to me, and I am sure it will be appreciated by those who try it. -- MARIE BEYER, EAST BRUNSWICK, N.J.

DEAR MARIE: I have been carrying your sure cure for the hiccups around for weeks, hoping to put it to the test, but I haven't had the hiccups. (Perhaps just carrying the "cure" has been a preventative?)

If one of my readers tries it and finds it helpful, please let me know.

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)