DEAR ABBY: I never thought I would be writing to you. My wife, "Annie," does not care for my family, so we spend every holiday with her family. She says my family lives "too far away" to visit, although hers lives only a few miles closer.

Annie and I are happy together, but shutting out my family completely is starting to bother me. I think of them on holidays and their birthdays and would like to share these times with them. I try to discuss this with Annie, but she always says, "We'll talk about it another time" -- then she always initiates sex. (I just realized this.) It does take my mind off the discussion for the time being.

Have you had letters from anyone else who neglected his family because of his spouse and later regretted it? -- "SAM" IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR SAM: Yes, I have heard from many readers who deeply regretted not spending more time with their families while they were able to. (Especially parents.)

A large part of a loving marriage is compromise, which may mean spending time with people because they are important to one's spouse. The next time you discuss this with Annie, point this out, take a cold shower and keep talking.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old single woman, independent and very nice-looking -- so I am told. For two years, I was seeing a married man who was separated from his wife. He said he and his wife were trying to work out their problems with a counselor for the sake of their three kids, but he was still very much in love with me. I sent him back to his wife and family.

I took a month's vacation to try and forget him. Now I'm home, and he is on the phone trying to get me to see him. I don't want to see him because he is a very convincing man and I don't want to start up with him again. On the other hand, I really love him. Half of me wants to see him again, and the other half tells me I shouldn't. I need your advice as soon as possible. -- IN LOVE IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR IN LOVE: Listen to the half with the brains in it, and tell him to stay with his family.

DEAR ABBY: Is there a universal sign of apology? There are many universal rude gestures known by everyone, but I often wish I had a signal saying "I'm sorry."

For example, if I were daydreaming at a red light and the driver behind me had to honk the horn, how could I let that driver know that I'm sorry? Other examples: splashing someone on the sidewalk, or misjudging the distance in passing so the other driver had to slow down.

Perhaps this "I apologize" sign would work if you absentmindedly jostled another person in a multilingual area, and you weren't sure which language to apologize in.

If there isn't such a sign, maybe you should invent one. You have enough readers. Perhaps we could create a more polite environment. -- SMALL TOWN IN NEBRASKA

DEAR SMALL TOWN: A smile, a salute, a nod, or just a plain "Oops" with the appropriate facial expression would do.

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I frequently entertain at home. We have a dog and a cat that we love like members of our family. When we have guests, we always confine our pets in another area before our guests arrive. Many of our friends have told us that they appreciate this because they have a fear of dogs, or cats or both!

Our veterinarian told us that when some people say they "dislike" animals, they actually fear them. For example, if a person who is not used to having pets around entered someone's house and was greeted at the door by a hostile dog barking angrily or a cat that curled around his leg, he could have an anxiety attack!

I happen to have a terrible fear of snakes. I know that not all snakes are poisonous, but just the sight of a snake terrifies me. Yet some people have snakes as pets -- but I cannot imagine a host or hostess allowing a pet snake to slither freely among the guests. Well, the fear of dogs and cats is every bit as terrifying to some people as the fear of snakes is to me.

Our animal-loving friends didn't believe us when we brought this up in conversation. They thought it was an exaggeration, but after questioning others whom they thought merely "disliked" animals, they finally admitted that they were actually afraid of them.

What do you and your readers think? -- ANIMAL LOVERS

DEAR ANIMAL LOVERS: I consulted my animal expert, Dr. Erwin David. He said: "The analogy concerning the snake is a good one. People tend to fear that which they distrust -- and dislike that which they fear."

DEAR ABBY: My friends and I have a problem with which we need help. We wear hearing aids, which makes it difficult to hear people talking on some of the television programs, as the background music and special sound effects are so overpowering, they drown out the voices.

For example, in "Jake and the Fatman," the roar of the ocean is so loud it's impossible to understand what the people are saying. It doesn't help to turn the volume up, and we can't do as President Bush suggests: "Read my lips."

I love music, but loud background music is unnecessary on dramatic shows.

Commercials are a problem, too. They are so loud, they blast the hearing aids out of our ears. (Have you ever tried turning a hearing aid down with barbecue sauce on your fingers?)

The advertisers think they are getting our attention with the extra-loud commercial messages, but most people have remote-control sets, and they just shut the sound off until the program comes on again.

Are many of your readers experiencing the same problems? And who can we contact in the television industry to correct this? -- CORA LAIRD, FORT DODGE, IOWA

DEAR CORA LAIRD: The television sponsors have been dodging these complaints for years. Address your grievances to the sponsors of the programs you watch. And while you're at it, write to the Federal Communications Commission, 1919 M St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20554.

People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: We in Midland, Texas, owe you a debt of gratitude for informing your 95 million readers about our Midland Community Spirit Award. Each year we honor a community that best represents the American ideal of people pulling together and helping one another.

Last year, we heard from 108 cities in 35 states. The 1990 Midland Community Spirit Award went to Yakima, Wash., for its ongoing war against drug problems.

Past nominees have included: Brownsville, Texas, whose citizens worked shoulder to shoulder for more than 60 hours to clear rubble from a collapsed building in order to rescue the trapped survivors; the good people of Saco and Glasgow, Mont., who graciously fed, clothed and cared for the waylaid passengers of a train derailed in their vicinity; the members of Valley View Methodist Church in Valley View, Texas, who walked from car to car inviting hundreds of stranded motorists to spend the night in their church when a blizzard halted traffic late one afternoon. The townspeople brought whatever they had in their freezers to feed them all. The residents of Colonial Beach, Va., who raised half a million dollars through bake sales and bingo to replace their old school built in 1912.

Abby, we are again seeking nominations for the 1991 Midland Community Spirit Award, which will be presented in November. So please encourage proud citizens to nominate communities that have shown the cooperative, caring spirit during a time of need or crisis.

Thank you for your continued support in making this project a success. -- CARROLL THOMAS, MAYOR, MIDLAND, TEXAS

DEAR MAYOR THOMAS: This past year has been one of the worst for both natural and man-made catastrophes, so there should be an abundance of nominations.

Readers: The deadline is Oct. 15, 1991. So to obtain an official nomination form for the Community Spirit Award, write to: Midland Community Spirit Award, P.O. Box 1152, Midland, Texas 79702, or phone (915) 685-7206.

I'm sure there are many other communities whose citizens rose to the occasion when tragedy struck. Readers?

DEAR ABBY: In the plant where I work, there are seven girls in my department. One of the girls was recently married. I pitched in for a shower gift, but I couldn't attend the shower.

I never did get an invitation to her wedding, but the other six girls got one. Two days before her wedding she mumbled, "Some of the invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, so if you didn't get one, consider this a verbal invitation."

Abby, I didn't have anything to wear, and it was too late to get ready. Do I owe her a wedding gift? -- SLIGHTED IN ASHEVILLE, N.C.

DEAR SLIGHTED: No. Give her your verbal congratulations.

DEAR ABBY: I received your booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It" on July 30, 1991.

You have saved my life. I cried tears of joy for the first time in my 47 years. Before that, they were tears of pain and sorrow.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless you. -- MARY T. GREEN, SANTA MARIA, CALIF.

This one's for everybody, from teens to seniors! To purchase Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)