DEAR ABBY: My husband's parents will soon be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. My husband has two brothers and two sisters. His sisters decided, without consulting us, that all the children would chip in and send their parents to Hawaii as their anniversary gift. They have already told their parents, who are thrilled about it.

The problem is, the sister whose idea it was is the only one who can afford such an expensive gift. The rest of us are barely making it from paycheck to paycheck.

My siblings and I bought our parents a set of dishes for their 50th. We would have loved to send them to Hawaii, but we knew they wouldn't enjoy it knowing we would have to take out a loan to pay for it.

I am more than a little resentful that my parents got dishes while my in-laws will get a trip to Hawaii. (My parents are no less deserving.)

I have polled my friends and co-workers from all levels of income, and they agree that a trip to Hawaii isn't a typical anniversary gift -- it is excessive. -- BURNED UP AND BROKE

DEAR BURNED UP: A trip to Hawaii is not an excessive anniversary gift for people who can afford it. However, one or two members of a family have no right to decide on any gift "from all the children" without having consulted all of them. And to have told the parents before discussing it with all the siblings was inexcusable.

DEAR ABBY: My father sent for your booklet "What Every Teen Should Know," and asked me to look it over to see if it would be helpful to my 12-year-old daughter. (She is his granddaughter.)

I read the booklet and thought that the way you approached all of the subjects was just great. I decided not just to hand her the booklet, but to read it with her so we could discuss it. Now she feels very comfortable talking with me about all the subjects that young girls wonder about, but are afraid to bring up. It broke the ice.

Now my daughter will always come to me with questions because she knows I will always be there to listen to her and guide her. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about our young people. -- GRATEFUL MOM IN LYNN, MASS.

DEAR GRATEFUL: I, too, am grateful. Thanks, Mom; your letter made my day.

DEAR ABBY: To those who are in the habit of putting on their glasses when they answer the telephone, the following true story may shed some light:

At the University of Illinois Medical School, our ear-nose-and-throat professor demonstrated a simple hearing test. He asked for a volunteer; Aaron Hilkevitch responded.

Hilkevitch sat down facing the class in the amphitheater and his glasses were taken away. The professor approached him from the side and whispered, "One, two, three." Hilkevitch couldn't hear. So the professor approached him again and whispered, "One, two, three" a bit louder. Again, Hilkevitch couldn't hear. Then he blurted out, "Give me my glasses so I can hear you better!" This brought down the house; the class roared with laughter.

Later, of course, we learned that improving one sense organ enhances the perception of other sense organs. The opposite is also true -- that on the loss of a sense organ, other sensibilities become more acute, as a person with impaired vision develops other compensatory skills. -- SELIG J. KAVKA, M.D., CHICAGO

DEAR ABBY: To those who are in the habit of putting on their glasses when they answer the telephone, the following true story may shed some light:

At the University of Illinois Medical School, our ear-nose-and-throat professor demonstrated a simple hearing test. He asked for a volunteer; Aaron Hilkevitch responded.

Hilkevitch sat down facing the class in the amphitheater and his glasses were taken away. The professor approached him from the side and whispered, "One, two, three." Hilkevitch couldn't hear. So the professor approached him again and whispered, "One, two, three" a bit louder. Again, Hilkevitch couldn't hear. Then he blurted out, "Give me my glasses so I can hear you better!" This brought down the house; the class roared with laughter.

Later, of course, we learned that improving one sense organ enhances the perception of other sense organs. The opposite is also true -- that on the loss of a sense organ, other sensibilities become more acute, as a person with impaired vision develops other compensatory skills. -- SELIG J. KAVKA, M.D., CHICAGO

DEAR ABBY: I recently felt a lump in my breast. It doesn't really hurt, but I know it's there. I stand a very good chance of having cancer because my mother passed away five years ago with breast cancer.

Right now, I'm trying to handle it on my own, but I'm getting cross and downright hateful with my husband and children. I love them dearly. I know this can't go on forever.

I watched my mother die a very slow and painful death, but just the thought of going to a doctor scares me. On the other hand, if I do go to a doctor and he says it's cancer, he might have to remove my breast, and if he does, I'm scared my husband might not love me anymore, or he might leave me.

What should I do? -- SCARED TO DEATH

DEAR SCARED: Do not wait another minute! Call your doctor. Tell him exactly what you have told me, and make an appointment to see him as soon as possible. Early detection has saved the lives of many with cancer. Don't think of anything except getting to your doctor for an examination immediately.

I am sorry you didn't sign your name, because I want very much to talk to you. Please write again after you've seen the doctor. I want to stay in touch with you.

DEAR ABBY: After nearly 10 years of marriage, I told my husband I was leaving. Before I even found a place to move to, he kicked me out. After I relocated, we started seeing each other again, and within a week, we were back where we started -- fighting.

They say there's a very fine line between love and hate. I still don't know which side I'm on. I have filed for divorce, but I feel lonely and hurt. He was fantastic in bed, and just the thought of being intimate with another man nauseates me. Also, why risk AIDS for sex that may not be any good?

Abby, after 10 years, I wouldn't even know how to act on a date. I can't live with him, but I can't live without him. Is this normal for someone who has just split up, or do I need help? -- IN LIMBO IN TACOMA

DEAR IN LIMBO: Not being able to live with or without someone is an old refrain I hear often. And the love/hate ambivalence is as old as the hills. Your feelings are normal -- and you do need help. Get professional counseling. If money is a problem for you, check with your local YWCA and ask if they offer free counseling.

DEAR ABBY: As parents of children who are 35 and 44, it seems awkward -- even ridiculous -- to refer to them as "our child" or "our children."

In current usage, a "child" is a very young person. In searching for a more grown-up word for them, we finally agreed on "chult" -- a contraction of adult and child -- or "chults" for adult children.

What do you (and your readers) think? -- OHIO PARENTS

DEAR PARENTS: I doubt if "chult" would catch on. When referring to your adult offspring, why not say "our son" or "our daughter"?

By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Have you ever heard the little jingle that goes:

"A son is a son 'til he takes a wife,

"But a daughter is a daughter all her life"?

We have only one child, a son. He is now married. My husband and I helped them a lot when they first married, and plenty since that time. Those kids practically furnished their home with gifts from us. (Generous checks for their birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas.)

Abby, it really hurts when we go to their home and see pictures of our daughter-in-law's family all over the place, but not one picture of my husband and me. We have given them several nice ones taken at an expensive portrait studio, but they are probably stuck away in some closet or drawer.

Maybe the kids don't realize how much this hurts us. Please put this in your column. They take the Evansville Courier, and I know they both read your column. Sign me ... HURTING IN INDIANA

DEAR HURTING: I'm publishing your letter not so much with the hope that your son and daughter-in-law will see it, but to offer you a little advice.

The next time you visit "the kids," instead of silently hurting, why don't you tell them what's on your mind?

A simple, honest statement such as, "I feel hurt when we come to your lovely home and there's not one picture of Dad and me anywhere."

It may not change anything, but at least you will have spoken your piece, and I think you'll feel better for having said it.

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law, whom I dearly love, has what I believe is a genetic problem. He falls asleep while he is driving his car. Last week, he fell asleep at the wheel while driving with my son. My son woke him up just in time to prevent an accident. From what my daughter tells me, there have been other similar incidents.

Their year-old daughter is in my care almost on a daily basis. She falls asleep in a car within five minutes. Both she and her father are active everywhere -- except in a car. The motion acts like a sedative for them.

My son-in-law will be commuting 2 1/2 hours daily, plus three hours of driving while working. I am terrified of the consequences.

I have spoken to him about this, but he is young and feels immortal. I've heard of a device that is worn on the head of the driver. It sounds an alert if the driver should suddenly fall asleep. Could you help me locate such a device? Perhaps one of your readers knows where something like this can be obtained. -- A CARING MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR CARING: Your son-in-law should see his physician immediately. He could have a condition known as "narcolepsy." If your son-in-law or his physician needs information on this condition, write to: American Narcolepsy Association, P.O. Box 26230, San Francisco, Calif. 94126. It is a non-profit organization, so please send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope for information.

DEAR ABBY: "Four Eyes and Well-Adjusted" should try my solution for all those boorish men who tell me, "You'd look better without your glasses."

I slowly remove them, and exclaim, "What a coincidence! You look better without my glasses, too!" -- MARTINSBURG, W.VA.

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)