DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My dad raised me and my sister as a single dad from the time she was seven and I was five. All the time we were growing up he never had a girlfriend or even as well as I can remember went out on a date. He said he wanted to protect us from outsiders who didn’t have our best interests in their minds and hearts.
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Now that my sister and I are grown, every time someone, male or female, shows us any attention, he tells us that person is only interested in having sex with us and isn’t interested in us as people.
We’re not stupid. We know that there are people like that in the world, but not everyone is. Both my sister and I have both male and female friends and there isn’t anything going on with any of them beyond friendship. When we have been interested in someone as a boyfriend, we know better than to even drop a hint of it around our dad.
I find it sad that this is how it is, especially since my sister has been seeing a super nice guy for almost a year now, but she won’t let our father know about it. It is like we have to keep our love lives a secret from him, and that hurts me to feel that way.
Doesn’t it seem wrong not to share something so important with the dad who gave up so much to be a good father to my sister and me? --- CAN’T TELL HIM
DEAR CAN’T TELL HIM: I’m guessing that in your father’s mind, he still needs to protect his daughters from danger and pain. That was his job since you and your sister were little, and it’s probably not easy for him to ease up on that very natural parental instinct.
However, if you’re going to have a continuing relationship with your dad, you and your sister will have to help convince him that you’re adults now, and that it’s up to you to decide on who you have relationships with and what the natures of those relationships are.
One thing that might help is if you were honest with him and directly let him know you want him to get to know the other people who are becoming important to you, rather than feel that you need to shelter them from his potential judgments.
If he has a chance to see you’re making sound choices, it may help him believe you and your sister are now grown women, making your own ways in the world.