DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I split up with the father of my children when they were all still real little, not even in school yet. I did have a very long-term relationship with a man who was around for more of their growing up than their father was, and they and he got close. They were over our house most weekends and all the holidays were either at one of my kids’ houses or ours.
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When he retired, my long-time boyfriend moved closer to his own kids, and I wanted to stay nearer mine, so we decided it was time to go our own ways.
I have now been seeing a very kind, loving man I’ll call “Jonathan.” He is 100 percent more outgoing than the man I used to be with, which I have no trouble with. My kids, on the other hand seem to not particularly like him, and they and their families are suddenly way “too busy” to spend much time with me, especially if they know Jonathan is going to be around. They always ask if he is going to be at my place before they’ll say whether or not they will come over. So, it is obvious they want to avoid him.
I know my kids are purposely avoiding spending time with Jonathan, which means they only see the more outgoing version of him, which he puts on more when he isn’t totally comfortable around people. The man I know is more relaxed and low-key, but they’ll never get to see this side, which I know they’ll like more, if they never give him a chance.
What’s the best way to give everyone a chance to get to know each other better? --- HE’S A GOOD GUY
DEAR HE’S A GOOD GUY: As your old boyfriend was a constant in their lives, I’m guessing your children likely saw him in the light of a sort of surrogate father. If that’s so, their reaction to your new boyfriend may be similar to that which children of any age experience to a parent being “replaced,” as they see it.
The situation’s possibly further complicated by how different Jonathan’s personality is from the man you were with for so long and your children knew so well.
Continuing to attempt to push everyone together seems to me to be a surefire way to cause tension and resentment in all parties.
I’d say give it time and don’t try to force your children’s getting to know Jonathan.
The longer you’re with him, the better the chance your kids will accept he’s becoming an important addition to your life, and hopefully they’ll also accept he’s worth getting to know, even if it’s mostly for your sake.