DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband is a physician assistant at one of the three hospitals in our city. He works three 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. shifts a week, on a rotating basis. What that means is he will be on for three days and then off for four days. The four days off are really nice, but we barely see him for the three workdays, and often they roll onto the weekends and into the holidays. It wasn’t so bad when it was just me and him, but we now have a two-year-old son and I am pregnant with our daughter. We already know he will be working Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, which means more time he won’t be around with us. At least this year, my parents said they feel comfortable enough to travel. So they will be here for Christmas and New Year’s, so we won’t be alone the whole time.
I am proud of my husband, and I know the past couple of years have been incredibly hard on him and everyone in healthcare. But what could be a gamechanger for us is that we found out that one of the other hospitals is offering PAs steady 8-hour weekday shifts, with them only having to work two holidays a year and one weekend every other month.
This sounds perfect to me, but it will be a little less money, which seems to be a potential dealbreaker to my husband. Even with the cut, he’ll still be making really good money, and we’ll be more than fine. I keep telling him that.
I think what is really happening is he is happy where he is, even though it means less time with us, which kind of hurts.
I keep telling him to at least look into the other hospital, but he keeps putting it off and coming up with reasons it wouldn’t work as well for us.
What do I have to do to get my husband to really start thinking of his family first? I feel like this is putting a real strain on our marriage and family life. --- SECOND FIDDLE
DEAR SECOND FIDDLE: It’s possible your husband believes making the best salary available to him best serves his family at this point. Also, it may be he likes having the four days off to be with you all and potentially do some of the other things he enjoys with that nice chunk of time. Additionally, some people actually enjoy doing overnight shifts for a variety of reasons, which don’t always make sense to everyone.
Perhaps one thing you could do, if you’re the family money manager, is to sit down with him and clearly demonstrate that a smaller income will not be any kind of a hardship on your budget.
Beyond that, it seems to me it’s time to try and make as clear as you’re able that you’re feeling a strain on both your relationship with your husband and your family life.
But even as you tell him your side of things, listen to what he has to say. There may be other motivations he’s feeling to keep things as they are.
One way or the other, you two need to communicate honestly, openly, and soon.