DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I almost never ask favors of people, unless I really, really, really need to, and then I still don’t like doing it.
I have a friend who is always asking favors from me, and sometimes they are big ones. She once asked me to watch her dog for a month while she was overseas for training for her company. Another time she asked me to go with her to pick up the car her parents were giving her when they got a new one and knew she needed to replace her beater. I had to take off from work and even though she paid for the one-way airfare and the food and hotel costs, I lost money at my job, because my earnings are partially dependent on commissions.
I love my friend, but I do not especially like how she never seems to want to help me out when I need a hand, like when I had a pipe burst in my basement and I had to pull up the carpet and repaint two of the walls. I asked her for help, but she said she couldn’t because of mold allergies I never heard her mention before.
She also never wants to dog sit for me because she says my lab’s size makes her nervous, even though she plays with her every time she comes to my house.
Other times when I ask her to help, she suddenly seems to have some special work project come up.
I really don’t mind helping her out, but shouldn’t it work both ways? --- A FRIEND IN NEED
DEAR A FRIEND IN NEED: Your friend is fortunate to have you in her life. I wonder, though, if you’re too nice when you’re the one asking a favor. Do you make it clear to her that the favor you’re asking is important to you, that you wouldn’t ask if you didn’t need the help, and you are counting on her to offer you that help? Perhaps if she were made to realize these favors are not casual asks, she might be more open to do some of them.
However, it may also be that she’s simply not someone who’s inclined to be a favor granter, and for all her better and best qualities, she’s not who you should ever consider counting on in certain areas. Different people define friendship in different ways, and you two are likely at odds in what to expect in a friendship.