DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am good friends with my daughter’s best friend’s mother. We raised our girls together right up until they headed off to college. We sometimes joked about how we were each other’s daughters’ second moms. But it has long been true. I know my daughter has told things to her friend’s mother that she never told me, and recently my “second” daughter told me some huge news that she doesn’t want her mother to know. She hasn’t even told my daughter about it, which I don’t entirely understand. She made me promise not to tell either my daughter or her mother, because she wants to share her news with them herself when she feels the time is right.
I feel horrible about not being able to say something to my old friend and my daughter, both of whom I am very close with. I haven’t told anyone, including my husband, who I trust completely, but I was asked to swear to secrecy, and I have kept my word. But for how long should I keep it? This is a situation a mother should know about, and in this case I mean my friend, not just me.
I’ve tried to counsel my daughter’s friend as much as I’m able, but this truly is one for her mom to be in on too.
Do I break my promise, or just continue to sit on this uncomfortable situation? --- WANT MY FRIEND TO KNOW
DEAR WANT MY FRIEND TO KNOW: A promise is a promise, and I firmly believe you’re bound to honor it. If there’s anything about the situation that you fear could be putting your young friend at risk, then I suggest you serve as as much of a parental stand-in for her as you’re able, in case she needs help.
I also don’t think you would be at all out of line to urge her to share her “big news” with her mother sooner rather than later. But if that just isn’t going to happen, at least not yet, then by all means be the friend and confidant you’re being asked to be.