DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My wife and I are retired, and we watch our daughters’ twin three-year-olds four days a week while she’s at work. She is a PA in a hospital and works long hours, plus has a pretty long commute, so we usually end up with the kids overnight, depending on the shift she’s working.

We love our grandkids and being able to help our daughter, who is a single mom right now. The dad’s pretty much out of the picture, which we’re not at all fussed about. What we’re struggling with is that we set up a routine and rules of behavior that fly out the window on the three days a week our daughter is home with them. Come the first day we have them back, it’s up to us to get these little girls back on track, and it gets frustrating.

My wife thinks our daughter feels guilty about being away from them so much, so she spoils them. To me that’s just a bigger argument behind keeping things more regular for the kids. I’ve spoken to our daughter about how much she undoes what we’re doing, and she just tells me she’ll raise her kids the way she wants to. Am I wrong here, or is she? --- FRUSTRATED GRANDPA

DEAR FRUSTRATED GRANDPA: It sounds like you and your wife are partners with you daughter in raising your grandchildren, and I agree with your wife that your daughter may feel the need to compensate for time away from her girls. Ultimately though, she’s their mother and entitled to make her own rules ─ or not ─ as frustrating as it is for you and your wife.

To hopefully make the caregiving transitions go a bit smoother, you can try working more closely with your daughter to keep her fully in the loop about how you and your wife manage things while she’s at work, and ask her to let you know what her parenting plan is on her watch.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Last Halloween, a group of kids spray-painted cuss words on the street and several trees in our neighborhood. We had only moved in a few weeks before, and we didn’t really know any of the neighbors. Since then, we’ve made friends with several, and although our kids are still very young, it’s mostly teenagers who live in the houses closest to ours.

One of the teenagers who sometimes babysits for us told me that there are plans to take the graffiti a step further this year and hit the library down the street, and the elementary school where our daughter goes to kindergarten. She told me who came up with this idea, and it’s the twin sons of the people who live two doors down.

Do I say something to their parents? I don’t like the idea of curse words being sprayed all over our neighborhood, much less on the library and elementary school. --- DO I TELL?

DEAR DO I TELL: Old-school Halloween pranks like doorbell ringing and toilet-papering someone’s shrubs are generally harmless. What you’re talking about is vandalism, and that’s criminal.

Since you’re working on hearsay, even if it’s from what you consider a reliable source, rather than confronting the parents of the potential spray-painters, you might want to notify your HOA or neighborhood watch, if you have one. Also contacting the local police that there are rumors of upcoming destructive activities might result in a heightened police presence that could serve as a deterrent to the would-be vandals.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I know my wife is super close to her parents, and I like spending time with them. But it seems since we got married, we spend more time with her family than mine. My mom hasn’t said anything about it, but I can tell she feels like we don’t come around too much.

I have mentioned that I’d like to put in more time with my family, and my wife says okay, and then it never happens, or at least it takes a few weeks for her to make time to get to my mom’s house. Both sets of parents live pretty close to us, so it isn’t like we have to do a lot of travelling.

It’s beginning to bug me, and I don’t know what to do to make the situation better. --- LOOKING FOR EQUAL TIME

DEAR LOOKING FOR EQUAL TIME: It’s probably worth it to remind your wife about your desire to spread out your parent time more evenly between the two families. Having “mentioned it to her” sounds as if it’s something that came up casually, and she may not yet understand this is becoming an issue for you, and perhaps your mom.

Since both your families live nearby, maybe you could invite all the in-laws over to your place more often. That way you’d have at least a chance to keep things on a more equitable footing. This is not a substitute for having separate time with each family, but it might help prevent hard feelings down the road by letting both sides know you’re at least making an effort.