DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My sister lives with her new husband about five hours away. She thinks she is doing me a favor when she buzzes into town to “help” with our mother, who has some major health problems. What happens is, I am here taking care of Mom every day, and then my sister decides, since she is the older sister, that she knows best, sometimes even better than the doctors, and she starts messing around with things, just to blow back out of town for three or four months.

I can tell my mother doesn’t always understand what’s happening, but she believes if it’s being done by my sister, it’s got to be right ─ even when it isn’t.

I get that my sister thinks she is helping, but how do I get her to understand when she is back with her family, I am the one who has to get things back to normal here? --- THE ONE WHO IS ALWAYS HERE

DEAR THE ONE WHO IS ALWAYS HERE: This is a common situation in caregiving, and, unfortunately, one that often leads to hard feelings between siblings.

If you haven’t already done so, try speaking to your sister privately, letting her know you appreciate her help, but remind her that there is an overall plan of care that you’re responsible for sticking to. Make it clear that you’ll be glad to relay her concerns to the doctors, but that it could be harmful to your mother to start altering what’s already in place.

It may not work, but at least it might help her think a little differently about what’s best for your mom.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I hate it when I see my mom nag my dad to get something done, but for the first time in my life I’m beginning to understand. I can never get my boyfriend to take care of any of the things around the house that need his attention. What do I do to not turn into my mother? --- NOT WANTING TO NAG

DEAR NOT WANTING TO NAG: Your perception of what needs to be done may not be the same as your boyfriend’s. Finding common ground on that issue’s the first step.

Next, make a list of those priorities you can agree on, and let him know that you two might need to hire someone to tackle the jobs he can’t or won’t take on. Hitting him in the pocketbook may provide needed motivation if that’s all that’s lacking. It might also give him the chance to be honest about his handyman interests and abilities.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My mom asked me to check on the house while she was away on a business trip. When I went into the kitchen, I saw the landline’s message light blinking. My mom is old school about the house phone. I texted her to see if she wanted me to check the messages and she said she did, since my grandma will call the landline if she can’t get my mother on the cell.

The message was from my mom’s ex. The caller ID showed he had been trying her number a bunch of times over the past couple of days. The message said her cell voicemail box was full, and asked her to call him as soon as she had the chance.

I thought my mom had gotten rid of this guy weeks ago. He was a real jerk to her, and I was glad when she dumped him. Now I see he’s still in the picture. I didn’t say anything to her beyond relaying the message, and she didn’t say anything at all other than thanking me for taking care of things.

The more I think about it, the more worried I get. I don’t want to be a nosy daughter, but I am not happy this guy’s still in the picture. Do I have a right to ask her about it? --- MORE WORRIED THAN CURIOUS

DEAR MORE WORRIED THAN CURIOUS: As a daughter, you have a right to be worried. The bottom line, though, is your mom’s an adult and entitled to run her life as she sees fit.

It’s possible your mother and her ex are no longer a couple, but have chosen to stay in touch. If the situation’s making you uneasy, discuss it with her. But unless there’s cause for concern about her personal safety, accept it’s none of your business.