DEAR NATALIE: Is it a red flag if my partner puts zero effort into romance, or is romance just something we’ve been taught to overvalue? I don’t need grand gestures or movie-level theatrics, but sometimes it feels like desire has just left the room. He doesn’t flirt with me. It’s all  just routine and “you know I love you.” Am I being unrealistic for wanting to feel pursued, or is romance actually how intimacy stays alive? And if romance matters to me but not to them, is that a mismatch — or something that can be rebuilt without begging for it? I think because Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, I’m feeling extra sensitive and needy. But also, don’t I deserve to feel loved? - UNDERVALUED

DEAR UNDERVALUED: Let’s define romance. Romance is “the intentional expression of love, desire and emotional connection through attention, effort and imagination. It’s about making someone feel chosen, valued and wanted — not just loved in theory, but desired in practice.” Viewed through this lens, it’s easy to see why romance is necessary in a long-term relationship. It triggers chemical reactions in the brain when something “new” or joyfully unexpected happens. That’s why it feels good when your partner surprises you or flirts with you because it keeps you engaged. Not receiving those little “love hits” can feel depressing, for sure. But it’s also understandable why you wouldn’t want to “beg” for attention or kindness. The best way to overcome this obstacle is to go through it; you can’t avoid your way out. Be vulnerable. Write down your feelings if that makes it easier. Express your expectations and needs to your partner. If they cannot or will not meet you there, then you have to ask yourself: is this truly the right relationship for you?

DEAR NATALIE: I’m in a relationship that looks good on paper, but I’m actively engaging in a love triangle because it makes me feel alive. I haven’t slept with the other person, but we have kissed. I enjoy the secrecy more than I probably should. Part of me likes having two versions of myself: the responsible partner and the one who still sparks curiosity and desire in someone else. The person I’m “cheating” with is also a woman and I’ve been married to a man for almost 10 years. Am I chasing validation, or am I testing whether I’ve outgrown the relationship I’m in? The woman understands that I’m not trying to leave my marriage, but I also worry that if she gets bored she might tell my husband. And that turns me on even more. What is wrong with me? – TRIANGLE OF GUILT 

DEAR TRIANGLE OF GUILT: I don’t see how this ends well if you continue down this road. It’s not the kissing that concerns me so much as the lying. Do you really think your husband will be OK with the fact that you’ve been lying and sneaking around? How would you feel if the situation were reversed? You need to end this affair, even if you think it’s harmless, because someone will get hurt. The fact that you like the idea of her telling your husband what’s going on is also an indicator that you may be on relational thin ice. If you don’t want to be married anymore, or if you’re having second thoughts about your relationship, talk to your husband. Being in this triangle may seem like a fun escape, but you’re potentially making things far more painful down the road. Figure out what you want and what’s best for your future. The lies will only amplify the pain.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My partner still brings up a night from three years ago when I lied about who I was texting, even though we went to therapy and officially “moved on” from the situation. It was a moment of weakness on my part and I haven’t talked to the person-in-question since. He only brings it up when it’s convenient, like during unrelated fights, usually right when I’m trying to make a different point. When I call it out, they say I’m “controlling the narrative” and refusing accountability. I feel like I’ve apologized every way a human can apologize, but I’m also scared that asking them to stop means I’m minimizing the original hurt. How do you tell when accountability has turned into a permanent power imbalance? –CAN’T MOVE ON DEAR CAN’T MOVE ON: At a certain point, your partner needs to put this to rest. It was a minor infraction and did not materialize into anything significant or physical. It also happened years ago. It appears he is using it to deflect from issues he does not want to address during heated moments, or to make you feel bad so you will back down during an argument. In either case, this is not a healthy way to repair a relationship. The next time he raises it, make clear that it will be the last time you discuss it. He claims to have forgiven you but clearly has not let it go. You cannot move forward this way. He needs to put it to rest, or stop engaging with him whenever he continues to bring it up. Period.

DEAR NATALIE: I got a promotion that changed my schedule, my income, and how I see my future. My partner says they’re proud, but their behavior shifted immediately. They make jokes about me “joining the ruling class,” seem less interested in my day, and occasionally suggest I’m becoming harder to be around. I can’t tell if they’re insecure, grieving the old version of our relationship, or quietly hoping I’ll self-sabotage to restore balance. Do successful relationships survive asymmetrical growth, or do they just pretend not to notice it? –ALLOWED TO BE SUCCESSFUL

DEAR ALLOWED TO BE SUCCESSFUL: Some of this may stem from his own insecurities about his professional life or how he values himself. However, that does not excuse him for treating you as if you have done something “wrong” by achieving a new level of financial and professional success. You are still you — just maybe with a few nicer handbags. Have you talked about this with him? Asymmetrical growth can happen in any relationship, whether romantic or between friends. It is the distance that grows between people when one feels left behind that can create tension or drive a wedge between them. The best approach is to talk with him and clearly express how you feel. You want to grow together. That may not always happen at the same rate. At times, you may move in different directions, but open communication and a willingness to meet each other where you are can help you get back on track. If he cannot or will not do that, then how can you build a future together?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I come from a very strict Christian family, and my fiancé was raised the same way. We met in college and are now planning our wedding together. It’s been great because he’s very involved in the planning, so we’ve had a good time doing it together. While we love to cuddle, we haven’t kissed yet. With the wedding a few months away, we both wanted to save that for our wedding night, thinking it would be more special. But the other night, while we were watching a movie, he confessed that he isn’t sure of his feelings for me. He cares for me, of course, but has been questioning his sexuality. I was completely floored. I love him so much and want to marry him. One of my friends, who is not Christian, told me about the concept of a “lavender marriage.” She said that many gay men used to marry straight women, and that the trend is coming back. Have you ever heard of this, and do you think it could work for us? I want to discuss it with him and see if we can still get married because he’s my best friend, and I want to build a life with him. – LAVENDER LOVE  DEAR LAVENDER LOVE: People have gotten married for many different reasons throughout history, and there’s nothing wrong with marrying your best friend—as long as expectations are set up front. Is your partner out? It sounds as though he is very much in the closet, or not even sure how he feels about his sexuality. This is a very gray area. What if, two years into your marriage, he wants to explore his sexuality with other men and falls in love? Could that lead to a divorce? He isn’t yet established in who he is. While this arrangement may sound appealing right now, if he later decides to move differently in the world, your marriage—and potential  children—could be collateral damage. You need to have a very honest and open conversation with him about what your marriage would look like if you enter it knowing he may not want to engage with you sexually. And are you okay with that? It may seem like a nice idea now, but it sounds as though you haven’t had much chance to explore relationships outside this one. What would that look like, and are you ready to commit if these are the terms? Just putting it out there: you both have a lot to dig into. I would recommend seeking a marriage counselor to get a true outside perspective before walking down the aisle and committing in front of friends and family. There’s nothing wrong with defining what you want from marriage, but make sure you’re both defining it clearly—and in the same way.

DEAR NATALIE: My parents are extremely progressive and have always been open-minded about the people I date—until now. I met a man a few months ago at work. He is handsome and clearly very into me. But he has one red flag: he’s a Trump supporter. I brought him home to meet my parents without mentioning his political views—but apparently I didn’t have to. I still live at home, and after he left, my mother said she didn’t like a few of the things he said at the table. He is very “alpha,” and that rubbed her the wrong way. She said he was “controlling” and got defensive when my father asked him certain questions. I finally admitted that he is MAGA. My parents are very concerned because they feel that “Republicans from yesteryear are not these people.” My mother asked why I was aligning myself with what she called fascism. We got into a fight, and now I’m not sure what to do. I really like him, and it is hard to date in my small town. Shouldn’t I have the right to be with whoever I want, regardless of political ideology? He already knows how much of a feminist I am, and he told me he doesn’t care what I believe. So why is it a problem? I love my parents and do not want to fight with them, but why are they being so closed-minded? It feels hypocritical, since my whole life they have told me to be kind, lead with compassion, and keep an open heart. What should I do?

– FEELING BLUE ABOUT RED

DEAR FEELING BLUE ABOUT RED: There comes a time when we all have to make hard decisions that no one else can make for us. Is he worth risking your relationship with your family? If your mother noticed red flags before even knowing his political affiliation, take that seriously. Mothers often see things we don’t. You may need to find out for yourself what is worth sacrificing for love or a relationship. But if he starts to act controlling, demeans you, diminishes you, or belittles you, promise yourself that you will leave. Any man—regardless of political affiliation—can turn out to be abusive. If you’re seeing warning signs before your relationship has even really begun, trust those instincts. You wouldn’t be reaching out to a stranger on the internet for validation if you weren’t already questioning your choice.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

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Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear