DEAR NATALIE: My partner still brings up a night from three years ago when I lied about who I was texting, even though we went to therapy and officially “moved on” from the situation. It was a moment of weakness on my part and I haven’t talked to the person-in-question since. He only brings it up when it’s convenient, like during unrelated fights, usually right when I’m trying to make a different point. When I call it out, they say I’m “controlling the narrative” and refusing accountability. I feel like I’ve apologized every way a human can apologize, but I’m also scared that asking them to stop means I’m minimizing the original hurt. How do you tell when accountability has turned into a permanent power imbalance? –CAN’T MOVE ON DEAR CAN’T MOVE ON: At a certain point, your partner needs to put this to rest. It was a minor infraction and did not materialize into anything significant or physical. It also happened years ago. It appears he is using it to deflect from issues he does not want to address during heated moments, or to make you feel bad so you will back down during an argument. In either case, this is not a healthy way to repair a relationship. The next time he raises it, make clear that it will be the last time you discuss it. He claims to have forgiven you but clearly has not let it go. You cannot move forward this way. He needs to put it to rest, or stop engaging with him whenever he continues to bring it up. Period.

DEAR NATALIE: I got a promotion that changed my schedule, my income, and how I see my future. My partner says they’re proud, but their behavior shifted immediately. They make jokes about me “joining the ruling class,” seem less interested in my day, and occasionally suggest I’m becoming harder to be around. I can’t tell if they’re insecure, grieving the old version of our relationship, or quietly hoping I’ll self-sabotage to restore balance. Do successful relationships survive asymmetrical growth, or do they just pretend not to notice it? –ALLOWED TO BE SUCCESSFUL

DEAR ALLOWED TO BE SUCCESSFUL: Some of this may stem from his own insecurities about his professional life or how he values himself. However, that does not excuse him for treating you as if you have done something “wrong” by achieving a new level of financial and professional success. You are still you — just maybe with a few nicer handbags. Have you talked about this with him? Asymmetrical growth can happen in any relationship, whether romantic or between friends. It is the distance that grows between people when one feels left behind that can create tension or drive a wedge between them. The best approach is to talk with him and clearly express how you feel. You want to grow together. That may not always happen at the same rate. At times, you may move in different directions, but open communication and a willingness to meet each other where you are can help you get back on track. If he cannot or will not do that, then how can you build a future together?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

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DEAR NATALIE: I come from a very strict Christian family, and my fiancé was raised the same way. We met in college and are now planning our wedding together. It’s been great because he’s very involved in the planning, so we’ve had a good time doing it together. While we love to cuddle, we haven’t kissed yet. With the wedding a few months away, we both wanted to save that for our wedding night, thinking it would be more special. But the other night, while we were watching a movie, he confessed that he isn’t sure of his feelings for me. He cares for me, of course, but has been questioning his sexuality. I was completely floored. I love him so much and want to marry him. One of my friends, who is not Christian, told me about the concept of a “lavender marriage.” She said that many gay men used to marry straight women, and that the trend is coming back. Have you ever heard of this, and do you think it could work for us? I want to discuss it with him and see if we can still get married because he’s my best friend, and I want to build a life with him. – LAVENDER LOVE  DEAR LAVENDER LOVE: People have gotten married for many different reasons throughout history, and there’s nothing wrong with marrying your best friend—as long as expectations are set up front. Is your partner out? It sounds as though he is very much in the closet, or not even sure how he feels about his sexuality. This is a very gray area. What if, two years into your marriage, he wants to explore his sexuality with other men and falls in love? Could that lead to a divorce? He isn’t yet established in who he is. While this arrangement may sound appealing right now, if he later decides to move differently in the world, your marriage—and potential  children—could be collateral damage. You need to have a very honest and open conversation with him about what your marriage would look like if you enter it knowing he may not want to engage with you sexually. And are you okay with that? It may seem like a nice idea now, but it sounds as though you haven’t had much chance to explore relationships outside this one. What would that look like, and are you ready to commit if these are the terms? Just putting it out there: you both have a lot to dig into. I would recommend seeking a marriage counselor to get a true outside perspective before walking down the aisle and committing in front of friends and family. There’s nothing wrong with defining what you want from marriage, but make sure you’re both defining it clearly—and in the same way.

DEAR NATALIE: My parents are extremely progressive and have always been open-minded about the people I date—until now. I met a man a few months ago at work. He is handsome and clearly very into me. But he has one red flag: he’s a Trump supporter. I brought him home to meet my parents without mentioning his political views—but apparently I didn’t have to. I still live at home, and after he left, my mother said she didn’t like a few of the things he said at the table. He is very “alpha,” and that rubbed her the wrong way. She said he was “controlling” and got defensive when my father asked him certain questions. I finally admitted that he is MAGA. My parents are very concerned because they feel that “Republicans from yesteryear are not these people.” My mother asked why I was aligning myself with what she called fascism. We got into a fight, and now I’m not sure what to do. I really like him, and it is hard to date in my small town. Shouldn’t I have the right to be with whoever I want, regardless of political ideology? He already knows how much of a feminist I am, and he told me he doesn’t care what I believe. So why is it a problem? I love my parents and do not want to fight with them, but why are they being so closed-minded? It feels hypocritical, since my whole life they have told me to be kind, lead with compassion, and keep an open heart. What should I do?

– FEELING BLUE ABOUT RED

DEAR FEELING BLUE ABOUT RED: There comes a time when we all have to make hard decisions that no one else can make for us. Is he worth risking your relationship with your family? If your mother noticed red flags before even knowing his political affiliation, take that seriously. Mothers often see things we don’t. You may need to find out for yourself what is worth sacrificing for love or a relationship. But if he starts to act controlling, demeans you, diminishes you, or belittles you, promise yourself that you will leave. Any man—regardless of political affiliation—can turn out to be abusive. If you’re seeing warning signs before your relationship has even really begun, trust those instincts. You wouldn’t be reaching out to a stranger on the internet for validation if you weren’t already questioning your choice.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear

DEAR NATALIE: My partner and I have been together for almost a decade. The love we have for each other is real, but our desire feels, well, optional at times. We are still affectionate. We cuddle, we function as a team, but I feel like the sex has dissipated over the last several months. My partner doesn’t see anything wrong and says we have a great life together. While I don’t disagree overall, our last child is about to move out of the house, and it’s starting to feel quiet. While I don’t want to blow up my marriage chasing some idealized version of what a passionate relationship is supposed to be, I am also too young to be in a sexless one. I take care of myself, and so does my partner. I think we both still are fairly attractive people, and so I’m not sure what the problem is. Can intimacy be rebuilt once it has faded or is fading, or is this just a story we tell ourselves to avoid the hard truths? – INTIMACY MATTERS

DEAR INTIMACY MATTERS: There appears to be a great deal of love here and a relationship worth fighting for. The fact that you still show physical affection is a positive sign that the relationship could be repaired before it is too late. While your partner may not seem as concerned about your sex life diminishing, it’s important to share the same vision for the future to continue moving forward together. Have you told your partner that a sexless marriage could be a deal-breaker? Have you clearly expressed how you feel, or do you minimize it to avoid hurting their feelings or rocking the boat? Sometimes, full transparency is necessary to prompt an honest response from the person you need to hear from. If your partner responds to that and recognizes the need for a more complete connection, take small steps. They may have reasons for avoiding intimacy that they have not shared. Stress, feeling overwhelmed or hormonal changes could be affecting their desire or how they view their body, so be willing to listen to understand and not to simply respond. Maybe the youngest child leaving the nest is hitting them harder than you realize. Be gentle with expectations and move slowly toward rebuilding intimacy. If you are both willing to work on the relationship and still nothing changes, consider seeking a sex therapist who can help you reconnect. As long as the desire to work on the marriage remains, it is worth the effort.

DEAR NATALIE: I’m definitely a monogamous person and have always been that way in my relationships. I’ve been married for seven years, and I’ve never been the kind of person to have a wandering eye. But my marriage has been challenging over the last year, with complications due to health issues my partner has experienced. I feel like it has led to a dry spell in our sex life, and whenever I bring it up, they don’t want to talk about it. Couple this with the fact that a new person at work has started paying attention to me in a way my spouse hasn’t in years. We have long conversations, and they give me little compliments that I should be getting from my partner but I’m not. Nothing physical has happened, but I fantasize about it. At home, my marriage is stable but I feel like we’re friendly roommates who share a loving history but not a present. Then I feel guilty for wanting more when nothing is technically wrong. Is this how affairs begin, or is this a warning sign that my marriage is starving for something I’ve been pretending not to need? – NEEDING MORE

DEAR NEEDING MORE: Whatever these health issues are that your partner is going through, it sounds as though they need you to be present with them right now, even if they are pushing you away. Perhaps their situation has led them to feel uninterested, undesirable or physically unable to engage in sex right now. Have you talked to them in any detail about what they are going through? You shared that you feel like “friendly roommates.” Why is that? Why has the emotional intimacy dipped along with your sexual relationship? Attraction often starts in the mind, and if your partner is feeling unseen, unheard or unloved, you can’t expect them to want to engage in sex with you. As for your crush at work — that’s what it sounds like to me: a crush. Water the plant you have at home if you want it to bloom. If you continue to neglect it, don’t be surprised if it withers on the vine.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear