DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I are expecting our second baby this spring. I had a pretty traumatic birthing experience with the first one and I’ve been very apprehensive about being pregnant. On more than one occasion, he has told me I need to “get over it” and “stop complaining about it.” I almost died during childbirth. It was the scariest thing ever. On top of that, it took me almost two years to get back to my “pre-baby” weight. He asked me yesterday if it was “going to take that long” this second time around. I am so overwhelmed by my emotions, weight gain is the last thing on my mind. I also just wish he was more supportive and caring. My friends’ partners all seemed to embrace parenthood, but my husband hasn’t been as helpful. I’m not trying to complain, but I’m worried that with two babies and a full-time job as a teacher, my plate is going to be overloaded. He is a very busy lawyer, and keeps encouraging me to hire a nanny. The idea of someone watching my children really bothers me, though. Any thoughts? – NOT SUPPORTED
DEAR NOT SUPPORTED: I would feel completely overwhelmed and anxious in your situation, too. I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t. The fact that he can’t feel empathy for you in this space – especially after bearing witness to your birthing experience – has me questioning his moral character. I hope you have been able to seek support from a therapist who specializes in birth trauma. You deserve to heal from the physical, psychological and emotional torment you went through. If your husband can’t see that, then I feel sorry for him. He’s missing out on the intimacy you could be sharing through this lived experience and how it impacted you both and your family. In fact, he may be internalizing his own fears around what happened to you and lashing out at you as a result. A lack of constructive coping skills are preventing him from being a full partner at this moment. I know you don’t want to hire a nanny – and that’s understandable – but what about a part-time housekeeper? What about having a weekly meal-prep service? There are other ways that you could be supported in your home to alleviate some of the other domestic stressors so that you can focus on your children and your own healing. I would lead with that to show that you are being proactive and also let him know that you would like to go to couples counseling to unpack some of the things he said following your birthing experience. The way he talks to you is unacceptable. It’s unhelpful. It’s demeaning and disrespectful. If he wants to build a future with you, then he needs to actually acknowledge the past and work on a roadmap to recovery – not just for you but for your marriage, too.
DEAR NATALIE: My wife is a fairly heavy drinker. When we go out to dinner or to events, she has three or four drinks within a few hours most times. Often, it doesn’t impact her much, but other times I’m basically scooping her off the floor. I’m not much of a drinker, so I asked her if she wanted to do a “dry” January with me. She was really offended. She asked me if I thought she had a drinking problem and it turned into this big argument. Needless to say, I’m doing dry January alone. Now that I’m not drinking, she’s even more annoyed with me and makes little comments about me being “self-righteous.” I am not sure how to navigate this. I just worry about her. Any thoughts on how to get her off the defense and just talk to me? – SOBER AND ALONE
DEAR SOBER AND ALONE: Sometimes when you are feeling bad about something and someone brings it to your attention – it may cause you to lash out and be defensive because deep down you know there could be some truth to what they are saying. In your wife’s case, maybe she has examined her drinking on the surface but doesn’t see how she could cut back or what that would say about her habits around alcohol. She could be a little embarrassed that you pointed it out – even if you did so gently – and therefore doubled-down on it “not being a problem.” And maybe it isn’t a problem. But if someone has a hard time not drinking for a day or a week – or if the idea of a “dry” month feels overwhelming – it may be time to look at those habits more closely. Alcohol has a lot of negative health consequences and our society is obsessed with drinking. Present to her that you just wanted to try something like a dry January together as an experiment to see how you would both feel. You don’t judge her. You love her and just want her to live a long and happy life. Validate why she felt upset by you and then gently express that you love her so much. She may soften and be open to a real conversation. Just make sure you leave your judgments at the door. Ask her if she wants you to “listen to understand” or “listen to find solutions.” This will set the boundaries so that you can engage with her in a safe space that acts as a starting point to more meaningful conversations down the road if nothing else.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
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