life

Is COVID-19 worsening your anxiety? Is it possible to find love in the time of social distancing?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | April 1st, 2020

DEAR NATALIE:My anxiety has kicked into high gear over the coronavirus. I live alone and am a very social person. I am not doing well with being inside all day long, although I know how lucky I am to be able to work from home. Is there anything you can recommend to help combat my anxiety? I watch Netflix, read books and call my friends, but nothing is really helping. I just feel incredibly stressed and depressed. — ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

DEAR ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER: You are not alone in feeling this way. There are many people who have anxiety and it is only heightened when experiencing prolonged isolation. It can be scary to be lost in your thoughts, especially if they become obsessive. Here are some ideas for combating anxiety other than the ways you have already tried:

• Mindful movement. Whether this means streaming a yoga class, trying a meditation app or simply taking a walk in solitude in nature, moving your body can help alleviate stress and release endorphins.

• Journaling. It can really help to reduce tensions once you get your thoughts on paper and out of your head.

• Reduce your caffeine intake. If you are a coffee lover, you may not even realize caffeine could be raising your anxiety levels. Try cutting it down or out and see how you feel after a few days.

• Make a list of local businesses or charities to support. If you can spare $5 or $10 donations, send them what you can. Doing something for someone else can often help get us out of our own heads and feel productive.

• Try a new recipe using food already in your pantry or fridge. Not a cook? This is a perfect time to learn. YouTube is full of how-to recipes and there are a ton of food channels that can provide inspiration. Love to cook? Let your creativity be sparked and come up with a yummy dish that you can enjoy while watching something that makes you laugh. Share the recipe online with your friends and family.

The most important thing: Keep reaching out to friends or family. FaceTime or Skype if you have the capability, or at least pick up the phone to connect. Humans are social creatures and to self-isolate is unnatural for many of us. But you are doing the right thing in helping prevent the spread of COVID-19. The sooner we all get on board, the sooner we can put this behind us and give our friends and families real-life hugs again.

DEAR NATALIE:  What are your thoughts about online dating right now during the coronavirus? My friends think I am absolutely crazy for wanting to date, but I feel like this could be a great time to meet someone, as everyone is being pushed online. — FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE

DEAR FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE:This question made me laugh because it got me to thinking about the new “Love is Blind” reality dating show on Netflix — single people were put in a situation where they went on dates but couldn’t see each other until one of them proposed marriage. Makes for great reality television, but I’m not so sure about real-life relationships. Online dating could be a fun way to pass the time. You can’t meet in person until things calm down, so long phone conversations or social media chats may force you to get to know them without actually seeing them. Who knows? Maybe you will find the love of your life and regale your grandkids with how you found love during a great time of social isolation. Sounds pretty romantic to me!

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Networking moves online right now, so stay in tune with what is happening with friends and colleagues through media apps and video chats. It’s a great time to update your resume and make a list of people you want to connect with once it is safe to be social in the real world!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

COVID-19Mental HealthLove & Dating
life

My friend likes to kiss my husband on the lips… My husband loves to compliment other women except for me.

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | March 25th, 2020

DEAR NATALIE: One of my “social” friends has this really annoying habit. Whenever she is around my husband, she makes it a point to greet him with a kiss on the lips. My other friends said they think it is weird. My poor husband looked incredibly uncomfortable the last time she did this. And it isn’t just to him — she kisses all the wives’ husbands on the lips. Am I crazy or is this not a normal way to greet someone else’s man? How do I get her to stop? And especially now with the coronavirus running rampant, this seems really gross and irresponsible. 

— TIGHT-LIPPED

DEAR TIGHT-LIPPED: Why anyone would think it was appropriate to kiss any acquaintance on the mouth is beyond me, especially when the whole world is on edge over COVID-19. Explain to your husband that this makes you feel uncomfortable. See how he reacts. If he doesn’t seem bothered by it, maybe mention that it’s just unsanitary.

If he also feels uncomfortable, come up with a solution together the next time she attempts to plant one on him. Maybe he should take a step back and extend his hand. In general, people should be more aware of their personal space. You don’t know who has a compromised immune system or who might be susceptible to the coronavirus. Get a game plan together not just for her, but in general. What are your boundaries? What are his? How can you find a middle ground where you both feel validated and respected?

DEAR NATALIE: I was recently out with my husband and a very attractive woman approached us at a networking event for his job. She was flirty with him and he was very complimentary of her and told her “how great she looked” at least three times. It was eye-rolling to say the least. I’m not concerned about him cheating, but he did annoy me in that he never compliments how I look. So, I brought that up to him and we ended up in a huge fight with him calling me “insecure.” Is it so wrong to want my husband to tell me that I’m attractive, too? He has no problem telling other women, apparently. Any advice? —AREN’T I ATTRACTIVE?

DEAR AREN’T I ATTRACTIVE: Not cool. Not only was it unnecessary to compliment this other woman, but to do it in front of you and then offer you nothing is one of two things: 1) Passive-aggressive. 2) Ignorant. Which one is he? In any case, you told him exactly how you felt and then he deflected, turned it around on you and then called you a name. Not sure how he thinks this is going to make you feel better about the situation. I would broach the subject one more time, now that tempers have hopefully cooled off.

Start with an “I” statement. Don’t make it at all about the other woman or he may just call you names again. Say something like, “I was thinking more about our disagreement the other night and I think what is really upsetting me is that sometimes I don’t feel valued. It really hurt my feelings that I was called insecure simply by expressing myself and we didn’t actually discuss why I may have been feeling that way. I don’t want to fight. I love you. I would like to understand why it is hard for you to say nice things to me, especially when you know it would make me feel good about myself.” Most likely, he just wasn’t thinking and then became defensive because he was embarrassed by his behavior. This isn’t an excuse, but possibly an insight into his reaction. Hopefully, in the future, he will think before he speaks and recognize that we all need our lover to support us and, yes, tell us we look pretty from time to time.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Consider keeping a healthy distance in the current climate. Instead of shaking hands, give a little wave. People will understand. If you feel even a little under the weather, don’t push yourself to be in a large group of people. Protect yourself and others by laying low until you feel better again. Networking is a great way to connect, and in this time, you just have to get a little more creative with your greetings!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

Friends & NeighborsMarriage & Divorce
life

Invited to a party but don’t want to go if kids are invited, too? Sick of sister-in-law always “one-upping” you?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | March 18th, 2020

DEAR NATALIE: This is a corollary to your recent article on adult parties. I agree. I love kids too. However, we were invited to a party after 6 p.m. with cocktails. Another couple who does have young children replied by saying that their kids were allergic to peanuts. How do I gracefully ask if this is an adult party when we are not the hosts and we’ve already accepted the invitation? We just assumed no kids. My husband is now saying he won’t go if there are little kids there, nd it’s hard to find activities we can do together. We are not close to either couple. Your thoughts or suggestions would be most appreciated. — STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: You can play this two ways. 1) You can just ask the host if this is a child-free event. Tell them you and your husband have limited time together and want to make your “date night” stress-free. You can admit that you assumed it was a child-free party, but that you want to be sure. Explain that you have nothing against kids being at events. 2) If you don’t want to be that direct, swing by for a quick hello and a cocktail and say that you have another commitment later in the evening. That way you don’t have to make in any more awkward than it needs to be. I don’t blame you one bit for wanting a child-free evening. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to spend time with adults. In fact, it’s pretty presumptuous of the other couple to assume their children were even invited. In any case, it’s your time and you decide how to spend it.

DEAR NATALIE: For years my sister-in-law and I have not gotten along. She always has to one-up me, so to speak. It’s exhausting. I get a new car, she gets one. I get a new piece of jewelry, she gets one — and, of course, it has to be bigger. You get the idea. The holidays are always a disaster, where her children have to open their gifts first. Of course this big display is made about how many gifts and what they received compared with my children. It really upset my oldest daughter this year. She knows all too well what I am dealing with. My husband thinks I’m being petty, but I really want to tell my brother that his wife is making me crazy. Any ideas for how I can convince my brother to tell his wife to chill out? — ONE-UP NO FUN

DEAR ONE-UP NO FUN: This is the most first-world problem I have gotten in my inbox in a long time. I’m not trying to downplay what you are going through, but let’s look at this from another perspective. You have so much to be thankful for! New cars, new jewelry, family, an abundance of gifts at the holidays. Acknowledge the great people and things in your life. The fact that you are so hung up on your sister-in-law’s material possessions makes me think that you have played into her game. Do you think you’re being a little competitive, as well, but you’re not willing to admit it? I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way, but take your husband’s advice on this one and drop the pettiness. Your daughter is watching and you don’t want her to get caught up in this drama. Kids pay much more attention to things than we think they do. Limit your interactions with your sister-in-law. If you know the holidays will be challenging, meet up after opening gifts to see a holiday movie or eat together. Interact in ways that don’t necessarily focus on possessions.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Try not to immediately gravitate toward the people you already know at networking events. Say hello, but ask them instead to introduce you to someone new so that you can maximize your experience.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

Friends & NeighborsFamily & Parenting

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