DEAR NATALIE: I just broke up with my boyfriend. We had been together almost three years, but he just couldn’t get his life together. It was so frustrating to always have to be the “grown-up” in every situation. I ended up being more like a parent than a girlfriend, and I just couldn’t live like that anymore.I started dating his good friend, and now they’ve had a falling out over it. On top of it, my ex is trying to win me back, and I feel really torn. I loved my ex, but my new relationship is going well. Do you think I should give my ex a second chance? .-- TORN BETWEEN TWO

DEAR TORN BETWEEN TWO:The first thing I thought of when I read this letter was that your ex wants what he can’t have. It’s like a contest now, a way to placate his ego and make him feel like the big dog if he can steal you back from his once-upon-a-time friend. The question you have to ask yourself is: Do you really want him back? Or is the idea of him fighting for you a turn-on? Is there part of you that started dating his friend so that he would fight for you? Do you really like this new guy, or do you really like that it gets under the skin of your ex that you are dating his friend? The only way to rid yourself of your ex may be to remove yourself entirely from his circle and move on. It sounds as though you had good reasons to dump him. Don’t let your ego get in the way of your good judgment.

DEAR NATALIE: I recently broke things off with my fiancé. I caught him cheating on me with several other women and realized how blind I had been. He is demanding my (very large!) ring back, and I feel as though I am entitled to keep it since he was the one cheating and ruining our relationship. What do you think I should do? He doesn’t deserve it, in my opinion! -- RINGLESS

DEAR RINGLESS: As much as I think you should run fast to the jeweler and cash that big rock in, it doesn’t really work that way. An engagement ring is a contractual piece of jewelry. If you aren’t getting married, you shouldn’t keep the ring. Plus, it will feel really satisfying to throw it at his head while you scream dramatically about the cheating scandal that he created. All kidding aside, I know it can be tempting to keep the ring as a form of retaliation, but in the end, it may feel even better to rid yourself of any energy attached to him and the relationship. Return the ring, move on with your life and be glad you dodged this bullet. Give yourself some space and time to heal from what happened, and when you’re ready, turn the page, and write your future with characters who love and cherish you.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Please don’t ask for a job. When you are networking, the idea is to gather information that could lead to the right connections to help you in your job search. But directly asking people at a networking event to help you land a position is going to be a turn-off. Down the road, once you have established a network, then you can discuss if they can support you in your job search. Slow and steady wins the race.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: I am a 40-something whose first marriage ended in divorce. I have three children with my ex-wife. After the divorce, I just about left everything to my ex — house and everything in it — so that my children’s lives would remain as normal as possible. Since then, my ex packed up and moved out of state. It has taken me close to eight years to rebuild my life, especially since I pay a healthy child support. I finally own a house again and have been able to put a little money back on my 401K. I’m finally not living paycheck to paycheck. I also met a wonderful woman over two years ago who I adore, and we are engaged. I have never been someone to care for someone else’s stuff and have worked hard for what I have, but I have a dilemma. My fiancée doesn't have much, but she has saved up some money for buying a new house. We live in my current home, but she still wants to move to a different town and buy a house together. We don't plan to have any children together. Having gone through a divorce and losing a lot, I admit that I am afraid of losing everything again. Am I out of line to ask for a prenuptial agreement? 

We briefly talked about it once before we got engaged, but the conversation needs to happen again soon and I am not sure how to bring it up. I also want her to know that I am not interested in what she has and would like for her to feel that whatever she brings into the marriage, she keeps in case of a split. I adore and love her. I know that the fear comes from my past and that I am not getting any younger. If I have any chance to ever retire, I can't take any step backward financially. We are a great couple together and I don't want to give her the wrong impression.-- MR. TORN

DEAR MR. TORN: You shouldn’t feel guilty or bad about wanting to protect your financial future. You have been through it and it is understandable that you’re nervous. Approach the topic gently — it seems as though she is already aware of your past financial struggles, and communication is key.  Yes, love is the most powerful force in the world, I believe that to be true. Yes, it can overcome anything. But, that doesn’t mean you have to lose your head when you are in love. Be honest and say to her what you wrote to me. This isn’t about your relationship uncertainty; this is about learning from the past. Sit down together with a mediator and hash out what you could both live with should the marriage not work out as planned. Think about your prenup as relationship insurance and nothing more. Hopefully, you will never need it, but if you do, at least you put something in place while you were both in love and kind to one another.

DEAR NATALIE:  I had a bad falling out with a good friend a few years ago. We haven’t spoken since. It was over money, but looking back, it was really petty. She owed me a few hundred dollars and it turned into a passive aggressive situation. We stopped talking and I never got the money. She wasn’t on social media for a long time, but I recently noticed she was back on Instagram. Part of me wants to reach out, but the other part feels like she was the one in the wrong and she should apologize to me. What do you think? I miss her and I would like to reconnect. I don’t expect to be paid back but I’m willing to let it go if she acknowledges it. -- MONEY PROBLEMS

DEAR MONEY PROBLEMS: Money and friends don’t mix well. It’s always a good idea to keep this in mind when loaning money to a friend: 1) Can I afford to lose this money? 2) I’ll treat this as a gift to them. If they pay me back, wonderful. If they don’t, I won’t set myself up to become angry and resentful. 3) If you can’t commit to one and two, don’t loan anyone money. Period. I’m sure it did become awkward over time, expecting her to repay you and then never getting any money back. Maybe she forgot, maybe she couldn’t pay it back and felt embarrassed, maybe she misunderstood the situation. Whatever the case, I’m sorry it led to the demise of your friendship. Now that you are in a different place, can you move forward and put this in the past? How important to you is that apology? I wouldn’t reach out unless you are certain you can move on from this, because it’s clear you’re still not over it. I don’t blame you. From your perspective, it’s hard to have respect for someone that you see as perhaps ungrateful or unaware of how she treated you. Maybe she will apologize and you can both move forward. There’s only one way to find out. Go for it and see where the chips fall.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Follow through with your words. If you commit to an event, go. If you promise to call and set up a meeting, do it. People will judge you by your actions and will reciprocate based on their own experience firsthand.

DEAR NATALIE: My brother and I were totally traumatized by our abusive mother growing up. It really impacted us both differently. I have sought therapy and moved away from the city where we grew up. I don’t really talk to my mother often because when I do, it becomes heated really quickly, with both of us saying hurtful things. My brother, on the other hand, has stayed close to my mother and resents me for leaving. He even took her side on more than one occasion. It is astounding to me that after all the abuse we experienced as kids that he can be around her. It has really put a strain on our relationship, too. I love my brother so much and want to have him in my life, especially now that my husband and I are expecting our first child this spring. But how can I move forward if he won’t acknowledge what she did to us? -- WANTS HER BROTHER BACK

DEAR WANTS HER BROTHER BACK: A teacher of mine in graduate school said something interesting about abuse in families: Even with an abusive parent, children may have different memories of their experiences. You may remember the abuse, but he may not have perceived it or internalized her behaviors in the same way. You’re different people with different experiences, even when exposed to the same person. This could partly be why your brother doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you. You dealt with your trauma head-on, seeking therapy and taking the necessary steps to mitigate the toxic relationship you had with your mother. Your brother, on the other hand, has run toward her, not away. There’s a wedge now between you and your brother because of how you both choose to relate to her as adults. The best thing you can do is to recognize these differences and try to move beyond them so you can spend meaningful time with your brother. You may want to have a heart-to-heart with him and say, “Look, I know we remember our childhoods differently. You know how I feel about mom, but I would love to have you back in my life more. With the baby on the way, I want you around your niece or nephew and be part of our lives. Can we make a pact not to let mom come between us?” See what he says. You aren’t being defensive — you are approaching him with love. He may be caught off guard and share some of the emotional baggage that he may be carrying around. If he does, listen with an open heart and mind, validate his feelings and remind him that you are always there for him. It could be just the thing to open the floodgates and create a more meaningful connection.

DEAR NATALIE:  My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and I recently moved in with him. He is a good person, overall, but there is one major issue that concerns me: He sometimes doesn’t come home when he says he is going to and has stumbled into our place at 5 or 6 a.m. I can always smell beer on him, like he’s been out drinking all night. I’ve even had to wake him up so he wouldn’t miss work, which really stresses me out. I am not much of a drinker, and when we go out, I usually drive or we take an Uber. But I am also not a babysitter. I really love him and don’t want us to fall apart because of this, but whenever I bring it up, he calls me names and tells me to stop “harassing” him. He becomes so defensive I don’t know how to talk to him about it. Any suggestions? -- NOT HIS DRINKING BUDDY

DEAR NOT HIS DRINKING BUDDY: He’s becoming defensive and deflecting his behavior because deep-down, whether he is conscious of it or not, he knows his behavior is hurting your relationship. This drinking is clearly becoming a problem. The fact that he is coming home late, that you have had to wake him up so he wouldn’t miss work, and that he lies to you about when he is coming home is all problematic. If he has a dependency on alcohol, and it sounds as though he might, this issue isn’t just going away. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and set boundaries. I also want you to view the word “love” as a verb. His actions are not loving when he berates you. You don’t have to accept that behavior. The next time you challenge him on how much he is drinking and he verbally accosts you, I would say this: “It’s hurts me and our relationship when you belittle me every time I try to address something out of concern and love. If you don’t work on yourself, I don’t know how we can move forward in our relationship. I love you, but I won’t allow anyone to verbally abuse me. I am here to support you, but I also deserve respect.” Relationships can survive substance abuse if everyone involved is willing to do their part. But if he isn’t yet willing to acknowledge that his drinking hurts your relationship, you may have to reevaluate. Remember, if he is indeed dealing with substance abuse issues, that addiction is a disease and everyone experiencing addiction need compassion. But you’re right — you aren’t his babysitter. Things most likely won’t get better on their own unless he gets help. At the very least, I would seek counseling for yourself so you can deal with the situation constructively. Don’t stay with anyone just because you love them. Love isn’t enough. You need mutual trust and respect, too.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Know your crowd. Different networking or philanthropic events draw different audiences, so keep that in mind as you navigate the scene and chat with people. You want to meet people where they are, share your story and, most importantly, ask open-ended questions so they will share theirs.

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)