DEAR NATALIE: I am a 36-year-old man in love with an amazing woman. We’ve known each other since high school and have held each other up through the roughest times in our lives — my divorce and depression, her ill father and abusive ex-boyfriend. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, and she’s great with my kids to the point that I could imagine her as the perfect stepmom to them. A few weeks ago, I took a chance and expressed my feelings for her. She rejected me, then acted as if nothing had happened. She continued texting me regularly and tagging me on social media as though she expected nothing to change. I asked her to stop contacting me, but that made her irrationally angry. She says I’m throwing away a 20-year friendship, but she is the one throwing it away. She says she “misses” her “best friend,” but I have plenty of friends. What I need is a romantic partner. I feel as though she is trying to have things both ways, keeping me around as long as it suits her but never too close. How do I get her to get off the fence and make up her mind? To either decide that she wants to be with me properly or to decide that she doesn’t and let me go on my way without her complicating things? -- LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME

DEAR LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME: You know what you need to do. In a way, you already did it and found her answer. When you told her your feelings and she rebuffed you, ignored you and then proceeded to act as though nothing had happened, that really said it all. Move on from her. Cut off communication with her and recognize that perhaps she was a crutch to you when you needed one, but now what you need is someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. 

DEAR NATALIE: I have been trying to deal with my husband’s infidelity for a while now. He had been having an affair a few years back, but when I confronted him, he stopped. Recently, we decided to sell our house and separate to see if living apart would be the solution. I found out that he has a girlfriend who has been staying at his new place. I am livid. It was his idea to get separate spaces saying that “he needed time to think” and instead he’s just with another woman. What should I do? We have two college-aged children and they are sick and tired of seeing us like this. My children think that we should divorce once and for all but I still have my hesitations about that. I don’t like the idea of being divorced. What do you think is the best route forward?  — DIVORCE OR STAY

DEAR DIVORCE OR STAY: Leave him. Think of the example you are setting for your children. What does it say to them to have them see your husband to continually disrespect you in this way? They are watching everything that you do, and if they see this behavior, they could be likely to mimic it in their own relationships down the road. If nothing else, please start seeking counseling to help you deal with some of the deeply rooted issues that are preventing you from moving forward in your life. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Redirect your energy to things that make you feel good about yourself. This drama is for the birds.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: When you are at a networking event, take care not to overindulge in alcohol. Sometimes we reach for a drink when we are nervous, but make sure you keep your wits about you. You only want people to have a good impression of you, not a sloppy one.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: My fiancé wants to “share” with another couple. She’s considerably younger than me, so I understand that we may be in different places in our lives, but the idea of being with another woman does nothing for me. I am in love with her and I’m a one-woman-kind-of-guy. I tried to explain that I wasn’t interested, but she got upset about it. We are supposed to get married next month. I’m 46 and she’s 29. Do you think she’s just having cold feet or do you think she’s been cheating on me? I am not sure what to do. I love her and don’t want to lose her. -- NO SHARING

DEAR NO SHARING: While these conversations can be uncomfortable, I applaud you both for speaking up as to what you need and want from each other, but marriage is a huge commitment and if she is having any doubts, better to pump the breaks now and work this out, then to jump into it and end up divorced by this time next year. I have no idea if she’s cheating, but the fact that she is willing to discuss what she wants is a good sign, because at least it means she does care about your perspective and thoughts on the situation. Part of this is an age thing, too, you are right. She hasn’t had as many life experiences as you have, and maybe she is nervous about the idea of being with the same person for the rest of her life. Whatever is going on needs to be sorted out sooner than later. Is she able to give up the idea of “sharing” in order to marry you? Is she willing to do that? Are you willing to let her have experiences outside of your relationship to appease her? What are your deal breakers and what are hers? I recommend you both write them down and see if there is any intersection or ability to compromise. If there is, great. If there isn’t, you may want to reconsider walking down the aisle and save yourselves both a lot of heartache in the process.

DEAR NATALIE: My wife and I just celebrated our 30 year anniversary, but in 2016, I found out about an affair that my wife was having. I suspected there had been something going on for a couple of years but every time I asked my wife she denied it and said that she and our neighbor were just friends. I found cell phones three different times. The first one was a cell phone from a co-worker in the bottom of her purse. She said it was for work in case he needed to get a hold of her. I didn’t believe it and she got rid of the phone. Then she started going to play racquetball with our neighbor who is single. I was traveling a lot and she was encouraging me to travel. I got suspicious in January 2014 when she began preparing a meal on a Sunday and I was traveling and asked who it was for and she said a homeless family. I left and when I tried to contact her by cell phone she didn’t respond for two hours. I asked her to send me a picture of the people she made the meal for and she sent me a picture of the stove top with the food on it. When I asked her to send me a picture of the people she began yelling at me. I then found another cell phone on Mother’s Day 2014 when she left it in her dresser drawer with messages to our neighbor on it. She again said they were just friends and got rid of the phone. This kind of behavior had been on-going for three years. She joined the club to play racquetball with this guy and pretty soon it was four times a week. The guy moved out of the neighborhood but nearby. We separated for five months (fourth separation in three years). She came back but she is still being very private about a lot of things. I have asked her to go to counseling but she said it didn’t work for us the last time. I told her it didn’t work because she wasn’t ready to quit the affair and be honest. This has caused me to drink more heavily and in September 2017 I got a DWI. I am pretty much through all the court stuff now but will be on probation for 4 years. I have been sober for 13 weeks and go to AA on Monday nights. My wife drank until recently but has told me she can keep it under control. She doesn’t want to stop drinking. Our kids don’t think she can but she refuses to get help. There are still signs I believe she is still having an affair. I recently found $250 hidden behind some clothes and she continues to drink and then apologize about many things. I have found out more from her friends about other affairs she denies. My brothers and friends ask me why I continue to try to keep this going. I honestly don’t have a good answer but I want to find a support group to help me. Any help will be appreciated. — FEELING HOPELESS ABOUT MARRIAGE

DEAR FEELING HOPELESS ABOUT MARRIAGE: You need to separate. Even if you aren’t ready to divorce her, living in the same house with her is hurting you. The drinking, the lying, the cheating, no wonder you feel defeated and hopeless. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Separate and continue therapy alone and work on yourself. When you have been with someone who has treated you so poorly for so long, it can be hard to imagine what a life without that person feels like. There’s a freedom in that, but also fear of the unknown, too. There are so many trust issues here, so many layers to unpack, and nothing can be built on a foundation of sand. If she isn't able to be monogamous and that is the expectation you have, you can't continue to live like this. Divorce, move forward, find some peace. She clearly has her own demons to contend with and being in this marriage together is toxic. I know it can be hard to let go, but the longer you continue down this path, I worry for what your future may bring. Take some time apart, focus on yourself and when you get the courage to file for divorce, do it. Your health and happiness are worth more than this toxic woman. Set yourself free by setting both of you free.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Instead of asking someone the dreaded “What do you do?” question, try this instead: “Working on anything interesting?” That opens the door to learn more about them professionally, but avoids the trap of getting a resume-like answer.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: Several years ago my husband and I moved our family to this area. We are both on our second marriage and have children from those previous marriages as well as two children together. We chose to move here in part because my children’s father lives here and it made joint custody easier. In order to keep my husband’s teenage son in his life, his ex-wife agreed to move to the area as well and has been living in a small carriage house in our backyard since then. Our agreement was that she would move out when the son turned 18 but that did not happen. He refuses to ask her to leave. Our two young children visit her often and he thinks it’s wonderful that she has become “like a grandmother” to them. He says it takes a village to raise children and I’m being petty and jealous. Is he crazy or am I? -- NOT A SISTER WIFE

DEAR NOT A SISTER WIFE: He's gaslighting you. You are not crazy. While I can understand why your husband would think this is a good arrangement for the children, they could still visit her regardless of where she resides and she doesn't need to live in your backyard for them to have a relationship with her. It sounds as though it is more about where she’s living than the fact that the kids are with her that is bothering you. I would be bothered, too. Here’s the thing: This is your home, right? Your name is on the deed? Assuming that it is (and that her name is not on any legal paperwork) you don’t owe her anything. It is great that you were able to compromise to this point, but now it is his turn to do the compromising. You are not petty or jealous, you are a person with boundaries that are being disrespected and overlooked by a husband who seems to think that only his point of view is important. Give him an ultimatum. Either she moves out in three months (which is a reasonable amount of time for her to find a place) or you do. (This is assuming that you have the financial means to do so). Call his bluff but be prepared to move if necessary. At the end of the day, you are his wife, not this woman. If he chooses her over you, it would be time to divorce him and find someone who values you enough to put you above his ex. Either she goes, or you do. Period.

DEAR NATALIE: My friend and I hooked up/had a fling this year only to have him go back to his ex and get her pregnant. We kind of had closure but not really. I am still friends with his family and friends (as we were introduced through my bestie). However we have since blocked each other. My question is: Do you think we will ever be able to reconcile? — TELENOVELA LIFE

DEAR TELENOVELA LIFE:I guess the question is: Are you over the situation? It’s a lot to take in. You had a fling only to have him go back to his ex and start a new chapter with her. Has he been honest with her about his relationship with you? Does he need to be for you to make amends? Most likely he hasn’t told her what happened. If she knew, would that be a deal-breaker for her? So many questions, never enough tea. The best thing you can do is to move on from him and the friendship. I find this whole thing kind of sad because clearly he has some things to figure out, but that takes time, and only he knows what he really feels deep down. You can still be friends with his friends and family, but for right now, it’s best to go your separate ways and give yourself space. Leave the drama to the soap operas.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Nervous about networking? Whatever you do, don’t bury your nose in your phone when you get to the event or stand in the corner checking emails. Keep your head up, smile and keep an open mind. You may make a great connection!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212. Follow her on Twitter at @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)