life

Focus On Your Guy and Skip His Pals

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 14th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I took our time to get to know each other before jumping into titles and formalities. When I did meet his female friend, she was less than polite. He explained that's just her nature, and she hadn't gotten the memo yet either. It's been months since then, and there has been no action on her behalf to at least be cool with me. 

Yes, I get that we all have our separate lives and friends. No, I don't expect to become her new BFF. All I'm looking for is a little respect, that's all! If I were good friends with a guy who obtained a girlfriend, I would go out of my way to make her feel comfortable. 

Should I try to reach out to her, or is that overstepping my boundaries? I've asked him to invite her and her boyfriend out with us.

Perhaps I'll just let it go. He's very good to me, and I like him a lot. What do you think I should do? -- Girl Fail

DEAR Girl Fail: The chilly reception you are receiving from your boyfriend's girlfriend probably is because she has unresolved feelings for him. If she had a thing for him, she should have acted on it while he was single. Now, it's too late, and she's most likely jealous of your relationship. This sounds like "My Best Friend's Wedding." (And you are Cameron Diaz!) In all seriousness, don't bother with her. It isn't your problem and don't make it yours. Instead, be cordial but distant with her. Focus on your relationship with him, because it sounds like you are enjoying his company. Water what you want to grow and let the rest fade away. She'll get the hint. Maybe this will teach her to go after what she wants in life instead of waiting in the wings for things to happen. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

It’s All About Your Dog’s Personal Space

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 11th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: What is the appropriate way to address someone else's dog in public? Is it appropriate to pet without asking? How about picking the dog up? How about some stranger kissing my dog on the mouth?!?! -- French Kissing My Frenchie

DEAR FRENCH KISSING MY FRENCHIE: May I start by saying, "Ew." Once again, why anyone would think it is OK to pet your dog, pick up your dog or make out with your dog without your consent (and no one is going to consent to French kissing, anyway) is beyond me. Your dog (or any pet) is a family member. I completely understand your disgust and frustration. Once again, people forget themselves when around too much cuteness. Any time I see an adorable dog in public, I often will say, "Your dog is so cute! May I pet him or her?" Sometimes people say "Yes." Sometimes they say "No." But the important thing to note here is that I ask for permission. What if your dog would have freaked out at this overzealous stranger and nipped a nose or a lip when he or she went to kiss them? Somehow you would have been to blame for this. So, if for no other reason than trying to prevent a future lawsuit, the next time someone wants to pet your pooch, just simply say, "Frenchie is uncomfortable around new people, so I would prefer you just look and do not touch." You also may want to keep your dog on a short leash when you are walking in public so it is easy to quickly scoop it up if need be. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: It's all about the follow-up. After you have made a contact and invited that person to meet for coffee or tea, make sure to send him or her a friendly follow-up email or handwritten note after you meet. Thank him or her for spending time with you and plan your next meeting (if applicable). If the meeting wasn't as fruitful as you hoped it to be, still be polite but vague as to when you will see each other again. Never burn bridges. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

New hire at work flirting with all the senior men? Friend blowing off old friends for new?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | May 9th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I just hired this new woman to help in our office. She is like an assistant to me but also does other things around the space, as well. I have noticed that she is very flirtatious with the senior partners (most of which are men) and likes to use this “Kardashian-like” baby voice when asking a question. She also giggles. A lot. Even when it doesn’t make any sense. A few of my female colleagues have talked to me about her. When I interviewed her, she didn’t act like this or I never would have hired her. It’s only been about a month, but she is really rubbing people the wrong way. How do I discuss this with her? As a woman who has worked hard to get where I am, I feel like she is really setting us back. Any thoughts?

-- BAN THE BABY VOICE

DEAR BAN THE BABY VOICE: You need to set the tone now before this gets out of hand. I would pull her aside first thing tomorrow morning and ask her if she even is aware that she is behaving this way. Let her know that there are other ways to be effective at her job besides trying to flirt or giggle with the men in the office. Explain to her that other people have complained because it creates an uncomfortable and unprofessional workplace. I wouldn’t be hostile towards her, but I would definitely make it clear that she didn’t act like this when she was hired, and that the way she was in her interview is the way you anticipated her acting at the job. Make it clear that you are trying to be helpful and that this behavior of hers is only going to hold her back, as well. If she is defensive, bring up specific examples of her behavior so that she understands exactly what you are talking about. And if she still doesn’t get it? Minimize her role with others until you can figure out what your next step looks like, including the option of letting her go. (Insert Kim Kardashian’s emoji cry face here).

DEAR NATALIE: I have a close friend who has been blowing everyone off lately. We always make the same plans to meet up every Thursday for a friends’ night after work, but the last three or four months, she has been blowing us off at the last minute. It’s hurtful because we all went to college together and find ourselves in the same city so we want to try and be together whenever we can, but she seems to be distancing herself and hanging out with her new work friends. How do I talk to her about this? It’s hurtful and we are all sick of it. -- TOO MUCH DISTANCE

DEAR TOO MUCH DISTANCE: It can be hard as we get older to recognize that bonds between friends can sometimes shift and stretch to the point that they break and it really isn’t anyone’s fault. When you are in college, you have so much in common by default. You are taking the same classes, you are dealing with the same pressures and you are experiencing life in the same way. But, when you get out into the real world, priorities shift and that may mean losing the bond that you once had. I would continue to invite your friend to your weekly date nights, and see what happens. If she continues to blow you off, you may want to talk to her about it. Just ask her if the night of the week isn’t working for her, or maybe it’s too often of a commitment for her. Even seeing a friend once a month can help. But, if she just doesn’t seem interested, don’t take it personally. Relationships ebb and flow and sometimes you are closer than others. She may be going through something privately, as well, and not want to discuss it with the group. Just tread lightly and see what happens. In the meantime, continue to cultivate and deepen your other friendships and enjoy the time you have with them.

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don’t overpromise, especially to new contacts. Sure, it’s easy to get ahead of yourself or to name drop when you are trying to impress someone, but be careful not to overextend yourself if you are unsure you can deliver. “I’ll see what I can do,” is a much safer bet than a guarantee!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to her email, nbencivenga@post-gazette.com; or through postal mail to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15212.

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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