DEAR NATALIE: I date a guy whom I know really well. Our relationship is not very conventional as we both have a lot of relationship baggage. I was in a very long-term marriage that was miserable and so was he. We have been taking the relationship very slow. We spend a lot of time together, go to dinner, date, go out with friends and travel for extended periods of time together. We spend all holidays together. However, neither of us seems to want to make a full commitment to each other and we are happy as we are. The problem for everyone is the fact that I have never been to his house. I don't care, but it seems everyone else has a problem with it. He spends most of the time at my house or we are out of town. We have been together more than a year and I have never really thought about it being right or wrong, I just never ask to go. I never had control in my marriage and I feel that this is giving me control. If I go to his house, I feel that I will be giving up something. The bottom line is that I am happy with how we are. I don't want to get married and I am not even sure I am looking for a long-term relationship. I just want to have fun and enjoy myself for the first time in 20 years. My family thinks he is married or hiding something. What do you think? -- CURIOUS

DEAR CURIOUS: Call me nebby, but I would want to know everything I could about the person I am spending my time with, regardless of the level of commitment. It sounds to me like you used to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. In this new relationship, you are trying to assert your power, and in your mind that means having fun in the moment. While it's fine not to label relationships or worry about where things are going, you should be concerned that you have never been invited into his home. I am not sure what you would be giving up if you did go to his place, but you have convinced yourself that there is a power struggle and that his home is a part of that. This could be a defense mechanism because deep down you may fear you'll come to the same conclusion as others who care about you - that it is a curious thing to never be in his space, especially after knowing him for a year. 

You don't need to jump to conclusions about him leading a double life, but after this long together a level of trust needs to be built in order for the relationship to be sustained (at whatever level that may be). In fact, you may be afraid deep down to know what is going on because you have been having so much fun. And I totally get that. 

Ask him if you can have dinner at his place the next time you are together (even if you don't have any intention of going over). Gauge his response. If he says something along the lines of, "Sure anytime!" then you probably don't have much to worry about. But, if he starts to come up with reasons why it isn't a good idea, be wary of that and definitely look at it as a big red flag. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am bipolar and seeking full-time disability because the illness [makes] me unable to hold a job. I am in treatment, but my problem is how do I respond when people ask me where I am working now or what I do for a living? I hate to just say, "I'm disabled," because they ask why; there is such a stigma surrounding mental disorders that I'm reluctant to tell them. What is a good way to answer? -- Wondering What to Say

DEAR WONDERING: Having worked as a social worker and therapist with a multitude of populations around the city, I have seen firsthand how these stigmas really can affect people's personal lives. I completely empathize with you and your situation. If anyone asks you about your state of employment, tell them you are taking time off for personal health reasons. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. You can also follow up by changing the subject and talking about your hobbies or things you would like to pursue while you take some time off - like painting, writing, exercise or volunteer work. Or shift the question back onto them and ask what they like to do in their leisure time to move the conversation away from employment. No one is living your life except you, and you don't have to answer to anyone or gain anyone's approval. Just be polite, vague and change the topic. Take care of yourself, and do what is best for you. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Cocktail parties are great places to network, and while a drink may help you loosen up, be careful not to overindulge. You want people to remember you for the right reasons and not for slurring your words. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: Four years ago, I found out my husband was interacting with women online from a dating website. He swore to me none of the women meant anything to him, and it was all merely physical. We went to couples counseling and began to rebuild my trust in him and our marriage, or so I thought. Recently, I was given copies of messages between a woman from that site and the pseudonym my husband used at the site. The messages were physically and emotionally intimate in nature. From what I can tell, his affair lasted for two to three years. That means my husband lied to me for all those years I thought we were rebuilding. He also lied during counseling and to the counselor, and to this day he will not admit he knows her or that he sent the messages. He claims he has no idea how his name got on the messages. My trust in him is gone. We have a young child. If not for my child, I would be gone already. My questions are: Do I believe the papers in front of me or his adamant denials of not knowing this woman? Do I stay in the marriage for my child, so she will not come from a broken home, or do I give her the best life I can as a single mom? I'm trying to make a decision that is best for my child. I'm not sure if that is sacrificing my happiness so she can have a two-parent home, or if it is better for her to see her mom not take this like a doormat. It is hard to imagine more than 10 years wiped away. -- BETRAYED ONLINE 

DEAR BETRAYED ONLINE: It is never easy to accept someone's infidelity and then work to rebuild trust, so I applaud you for trying to move forward in the spirit of forgiveness. If people want to change, they can and they will, but in this case, believe what is in front of you. It isn't so much the physical betrayal that is so hurtful and damaging, but much more so the emotional. He lied, cheated, was emotionally intimate with another woman and is denying what you have put right in front of him. 

Two questions: 1. Do you have a job or your own source of income independent from the relationship? 2. Do you have a support system - close friends or family? 

If you have one of those two, get a lawyer and talk to him or her about your options. You are still in a deep state of mourning for the relationship, which is completely understandable. However, since your child is so young, it may be best to separate for a while and see how that feels. Your child will fare better with two parents that are happy -- and apart -- than together and miserable. While parents may feel a lot of guilt for separating, it is better to have a calm environment at home than to have resentment, anger and fighting around your child. If you don't have either an income of your own or a support system, you should still meet with a lawyer to talk about how you can work toward goals to create independence from him to make it easier to have the option to leave. 

This is not an easy decision, and I certainly am not telling you what to do, but it is clear he doesn't respect you or the relationship. When there is no respect, there is no trust. And without trust, there cannot be a solid foundation for growth and healing. You have options and you don't have to stay if you aren't happy. You are stronger than you realize. I can tell that just from your ability to try to work through your pain together as a couple. But you can't take the journey alone. 

Continue to see a therapist to help build confidence and self-esteem, but please consider what is going to give you peace in your life. 

DEAR NATALIE: Almost everyone I know is so late all of the time! I write this as I am sitting in a bar waiting for someone who said they'd be here 20 minutes ago. This happens to me all the time, with many different friends, from many different parts of my life. I've tried showing up late myself, and I still sit there for 20 minutes alone. I don't want to pick up and leave after 15 minutes because I do actually want to hang out with these people. What can I say or do to get my friends to be prompt? -- SICK OF WAITING 

DEAR SICK OF WAITING: As someone who is 10 minutes early for everything, I can relate to this! It is so rude when people show up late without letting you know. If I am going to be late, I always text or call so that my friend/colleague/family has a heads-up. It's common courtesy. The best thing to do is to try this (it seems to work well when I do it): Text or call whomever you are meeting an hour before the meet up and see if they are still coming to meet you, and if they are going to be on time. Then about 20 minutes before you are meeting, say that you are "on your way" and see how they respond. This usually helps people stay on track for being on time, or at least gives them a chance to tell you that they are going to be late. Then, you can plan accordingly. I know, it's kind of like baby-sitting, but it usually works. You can always voice your frustrations, as well, but people just don't seem to care. It's frustrating because clearly you seem to value other people's time and should get the same in return. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Going to a networking event with a friend? Divide and conquer. It is easy to stick by your pal all night, oftentimes sequestering yourselves from potential contacts. So, make a plan that you separate for an hour at the event, and then introduce each other to at least one new contact that you each met, thereby increasing both of your social networks easily. 

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

DEAR NATALIE: Over the past 10 years my husband's kids have only seen each other on two occasions. One time at his 75th birthday (for a long weekend) at our vacation home and this year for his 85th birthday. He has four kids so for his 75th birthday, each of the kids scheduled a night to treat the family at a restaurant. But this year one of his sons, Sean, didn't want to do this because he thought it was unfair that since he has less children than his siblings, he was paying more to host. Very petty stuff.

So, Sean caused a problem at the 85th birthday party that I paid for. After the party, he and his wife did not show up at our home for dessert. He explained that they have been mad at his brother Ryan for the past decade because he didn't pay enough attention to them at the 75th birthday party. Then he told me that they have also been mad at my husband (his father) and I for the past several years because of an air conditioning issue at our vacation home that they used a few years ago. When they got into the house, they called us to tell us that the A/C wasn't working. We asked if they called the A/C company on the island, they hadn’t, and we suggested that they make the call based on their availability. The outcome was that the fuse just had to be switched off/on—at no cost—--but they remained mad at us for not making the call. This was the source of their anger for several years. Go figure.

The reason that this caused a problem at the 85th birthday party was that Ryan had no idea, nor did we, that Sean and his wife were holding a grudge. As he was angrily discussing their grievances, I cut him off by saying that I did not understand his problem and was not going to discuss such silly issues with him and that it was a shame that they were causing problems at his dad's party. When we got back home, I wanted my husband to talk to Sean about this, but he wouldn't do it. I told him that he enables bad behavior when he chooses not to acknowledge it. He tip toes around his grown kids, afraid to ever say anything to them, and the problems never end. What should I do? -- FED UP STEPMOM

DEAR FED UP STEPMOM: Unfortunately, these patterns of behavior were sown many moons ago and I doubt the dynamic between your husband and his children are ever going to change at this point. In this situation, while it appears that your stepson is really childish, petty and frankly, a total brat, I would stay out of this mess. Whatever his resentment is towards your husband is between them, and it may be that there is a lot under the surface that hasn’t been healed over the years. While you may have to interact with them on some occasions, the best thing you can do it keep your emotional distance. At your husband’s age I don’t think a tiger can change their stripes, and while you may be annoyed with their dynamic, he seems resigned to it. I know you care and love for him and it must hurt to see his son mistreat him in this way, but getting in the middle of it will only stir up more problems and most likely cause tension between you and your husband as well as his kids. You may just have to suck it up and accept that this is what it is. The good part is, it doesn’t seem like they come around a lot, anyway. (Yikes, that’s sad when that’s the “good” part).

DEAR NATALIE: My wife and I have been married for almost ten years, and we have a pretty good relationship. But recently, one of my old friends, a woman I used to know several years before I got married, got in touch with me via Facebook. She is moving back to the city we live in and wants to get together for drinks to catch up. I told my wife and she was livid. She claimed that this woman just wants to get with me and is insisting that I delete her contact information and de-friend her on Facebook. I think this is ridiculous. I have no intention of cheating on my wife, but I would like to catch up with this person. What do you suggest I do? -- UNEXPECTED ISSUES

DEAR UNEXPECTED ISSUES: If you don’t want issues, don’t make issues. If your wife is this upset over the idea of you catching up with an “old friend”—and I’m putting that in quotes because I have a hard time believing your wife is this livid over a “friend”—why would you rock the boat? Would you like it if she started going out with some of her “old friends” for drinks? Drinks are sexy. Putting yourself in a situation with this woman and alcohol sounds like a bad idea. While I’m sure your intentions are above board—because, why wouldn’t they be?—the fact that you are questioning whether or not to do this knowing how hurt your wife is confuses me. At the end of the day, your marriage should come first. If you can’t walk away from potential trouble, what makes you think putting yourself in a situation will make things any easier? End this now before it gets blown out of proportion and things go from “pretty good” to a “pretty big mess.”

Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: Seek out a mentor in your industry to help guide you to the next phase of your career. Use your network to leverage those contacts that could be helpful to you and take every opportunity presented to create a bond with someone who is where you want

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)