life

Strike Out Bad Behavior at Ballgames

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 15th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: I enjoyed your etiquette column on how to behave at the theater. Please follow up your etiquette at public events with a Pirates home game guide to behaving like decent humans in public and not drunken fools! Thanks! -- LETSGOBUCS 

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: It's as though you can read my mind! I was at the recent opener, and while it was a great time, I was verbally harassed while trying to enter the ballgame, and one guy even tried to grope me. I've also been to games where I was followed to my car by drunken guys who were tailgating and was "cat-called." It doesn't exactly make me want to go out to the ballgame. So here are a few tips for how to handle your beer, your hands and yourself in public. 1. Drink beer in between bottles of water. This way you won't be slurring your words by 11 a.m. 2. Your hands belong either alongside your body, inside a foam finger or in your pockets. They do not belong on any part of me or anyone else walking by. Ever. 3. Getting inside someone's personal space can be scary, especially when you are drunk and spitting on the person you are feebly attempting to flirt with. No one is interested in what you have to say at that moment. Stop it. 4. Screaming and making animal noises as women pass by is gross and demoralizing. Stop it. 5. I saw a fight break out before the game even began. There are children and families attending, and we all need to respect each other. Whatever he said to you that caused your chest to puff up, take a deep breath, count to 10, drink some water and let ... it ... go. 6. Do not follow anyone in the parking lot as she tries to leave. This is scary stuff, and it is not OK. I don't think men realize how awful it can be for a woman to walk to her vehicle as drunk guys make really vulgar comments. Follow these simple (and incredibly easy instructions), and we will all have a great time at the ball game! 

DEAR NATALIE: There is a woman my sister went to high school with named Lucy (not her real name). She's about four years younger than I am (I'm in my late 40s). I believe Lucy is divorced. She has two children. Her one child is on the autism spectrum. Lucy and I have been talking for several years, off and on, via Facebook mostly. We get very personal. She likes that I'm a sweet, gentle guy. Maybe it's because her ex is an abusive jerk? I go on and off Facebook, but whenever I get on with a new account, we chat for a few weeks, but then she blocks me. Then I get back on with a new account, and we talk again, as if nothing happened. She's said she loves me numerous times. I truly could love this woman. But I don't know why she runs and abandons me. The last time she blocked me, she texted me to say that she is miserable in life and that I deserve better. She suffers from depression. We have yet to actually meet and have a real date. I don't understand why not. I have asked her several times in text if she has a man in her life, but she never replies. My sister says just forget her. But I think she's beautiful. What should I do? -- NICE (BUT ALONE) GUY 

DEAR NICE (BUT ALONE) GUY: Sounds to me like the classic "chase me but don't catch me" scenario. This woman is in need of some male attention but from a distance. Perhaps it is because taking care of a child with special needs is exhausting and leaves very little time for romance. Perhaps she is still reeling from her abusive past and is afraid that (even though you seem nice) you may turn on her. Or perhaps she has no interest in ever pursuing you for real -- she just likes the chase. Whatever the reason, I don't like that she is leading you on by telling you that she loves you. I don't like it when people throw that word around. To me, love is an action word. Talk is cheap, after all, so show your love ... don't just say the words. This reminds me a lot of that MTV show "Catfish," where people fall in love online with people who turn out to be frauds. Don't waste anymore time on her. Make room for real love by letting go of what isn't. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Show up a tad early to networking events. It won't be as crowded (which calms the nerves), and you can actually chat with people before everyone forms little groups and it becomes more challenging to get to know one another. Plus, you can hear better, too!

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Wedding Gave Her Clue About Beau

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 12th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: Many years ago, my old boyfriend John (not his real name) was invited to a wedding by our dear friend Steve and his fiancee Julie. Julie didn't want John to attend the wedding with me, even though we had been together for a few years. She wanted him to go with one of her single friends. Why? I am not sure. 

The invite came addressed only to John (with no mention of me). John and I got into an argument about this because he refused to ask Steve if I could come (even though we were all friends). John ended up attending the wedding alone, and I dumped him over this. Fast-forward, Steve and Julie are divorced, and I asked Steve if he knew about what had happened. He said he had no idea Julie did that and would have insisted that I come to the wedding had he known. All these years later it still bothers me. Was I right to have dumped John over this? -- NEEDS TO KNOW 

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: This is one of those situations in life that seems clear after the fact, but in the moment appears muddy and confusing. Your boyfriend should have taken you to the wedding. It's also weird that Julie was trying to come between you and John (for whatever reason), but apparently it worked. In a way, Julie did you a favor. If a guy you're with isn't willing to stand with you over something this small, there is no way he would take your side when the waves get really rough. In fact, you should send Julie a bouquet of flowers thanking her for sparing you years of agony. The card could read something like: "The best revenge is a happy life." 

DEAR NATALIE: I have been invited to a wedding by very close family friends. However, they are also close to a relative I no longer associate with for very strong personal reasons. I don't want to be rude and ask the host whether this other family member is invited, or whether they have RSVPed. However, I want to attend and am discontented by the fact that to avoid confrontation and awkwardness, I can't. It is especially troubling because the couple getting married are also related to the family member I have issues with. So each party is equally close in relation but I do not know whether the couple have had the same issues as I have with this person. Plus, unless things are as bad as they are on my end with this family member, most couples will invite relatives to weddings out of formality. Is it rude to ask whether or not they are invited? I'm not sure how to handle this. -- LEFT OUT 

DEAR LEFT OUT: It sounds as though you are close enough to the couple getting married that you could call them (not text or email -- this warrants a phone call), and tell them exactly how you are feeling. You are in a tricky position, and until you explain to them your situation, you cannot hope for any remedy.

Obviously, you can't expect them to choose a side or disinvite this other person on your behalf, but you can provide information as to why you may not be in attendance. If they say that this person is coming, you have two options: 

1. You can send a gift and a card and miss this happy occasion because of someone else. 

2. You can choose to attend and just avoid the person you don't want to see, or just be cordial and distant with him or her. Think twice before letting someone else dictate how you live your life. If you want to go to this wedding, do it. Don't give this person so much power over you. Bring your partner or a friend or someone who makes you laugh and dance, drink something bubbly and eat cake (at least have one piece for me) and celebrate love! 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: This week's tip comes from reader Jeff Pollock. "I always try to get to an event early to take a peek at the welcome table usually with prepared name tags laid out alphabetically. That way, when I later see someone whom I have previously met and perhaps should remember, I can flatter them by actually recalling their name when I see them."

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

life

Engagement Bling Not Big Enough? Competitive Vibes From Frenemy?

Ask Natalie by by Natalie Bencivenga
by Natalie Bencivenga
Ask Natalie | January 10th, 2018

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I want to get engaged. We’ve been talking about it a lot, but there is one snafu. I make a lot more money than he does, and I want to help buy my ring so that I can get something bigger. We got into a huge fight about this, and he said that I was superficial. He wants to plan the engagement and pick out the ring and surprise me, but I am not comfortable with that. Don’t you agree that I should get what I want, especially because I will be wearing this piece of jewelry for (hopefully) the rest of my life? -- NOT ENOUGH BLING

DEAR NOT ENOUGH BLING: I guess the questions you need to ask yourself are why you are (hopefully) getting engaged in the first place and what an engagement means to you. You can always buy yourself a shiny bauble, but an engagement ring is so much more than that. It is a symbol of a commitment being made, and that should count for something more than just the dollar sign. If you are worried that your ring won’t be “big” enough, think about how he must feel hearing that. It must be really emasculating for a man who wants to marry you and gift you with something of significant value (and no, I’m not talking about the carat size) and all you can say is, “I want more.” If you aren’t satisfied in the relationship, you need to ask yourself why you are marrying him. If it’s just to show off a shiny rock to your girlfriends, you’ve got some other issues that need addressed. Feel free to send me other questions. It’s one thing to have input, walking by a few stores and pointing out things you like to guide him in the right direction, but it’s another thing to take over. This ring is important, yes, but shouldn’t the relationship take precedence?

DEAR NATALIE: My friend and I are in similar industries, and I can’t help but feel the competitive vibes from her. When I talk about something at work, she mimics it. When I put something on social media, she doesn’t like it or comment on it. She always tries to upstage me, and I’m sick of it. I want to be supportive of her, but I’m starting to feel as if we are becoming more like frenemies than friends. I guess the question to you is what would you do if you were in my shoes? Retaliate? Ignore her? Confront her? I’m at a loss but feeling more agitated as the days go by. -- FRIENDS TO FRENEMIES

DEAR FRIENDS TO FRENEMIES: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery -- and also the most annoying. It would be easy to say “you do you,” “ignore the haters” or other catchy phrases found on Instagram, but when it’s actually happening to you, it feels pretty lousy. In any case, it won’t help you in any way by breathing life into this situation — whether it’s real or imagined. If you confront her about this, she will deny any wrongdoing and probably turn it around to make you look petty. If you retaliate (and I’m not even sure what you mean by that), then you become the thing you are annoyed by, and that’s not a good look. Just try to just ignore it. So what if she doesn’t like your posts on Facebook? Are we all that insecure that we need constant validation? (Don’t answer that). Instead, just keep focused on what you need to do to move forward, be kind and recognize that those competitive vibes you are feeling may be coming from you as well. Harness that energy to propel yourself, but don’t let it get tripped up on her.

Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: Thinking about finding a new job? Use that network that you have been cultivating to put out feelers. Give some contacts your updated resume, ask them for their thoughts on how to make it stronger, and then ask them to pass it around. They may feel flattered that you wanted their opinion and more willing to help you.

Please send your relationship and lifestyle questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com or tweet them to @NBSeen. You can also send postal letters to Natalie Bencivenga, 358 North Shore Drive, Pittsburgh, PA 15212

(This column was originally published by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.)

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