DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a late 20s university dropout in the UK, and I’ve f--ked up my life. See what happens is, when a relationship goes well, I get scared and run.

As well as that, I don’t even realise I’m attracted to someone until about a month after I met them, at which point they’ve met someone.

I’m a fantastic friend but a rubbish relationship or f--kbuddy/FWB option as I don’t pick up when people are interested!

I’m in good shape but my friends are all nerds in varying states of lumpiness so that’s kind of a low bar. Lovely people though.

Before you say anything, I know about f--king charity work and volunteering.

That is for the dregs of society, the lowest forms of life. The losers who can’t do anything else but blindly give their time and money serving those who were unlucky or unwise enough to be in a position where you need charity.

I mean, to even be near a homeless person sickens me. I understand how they got there, but they’re a danger to themselves and everyone around them. 

So how the f--k do I find people when I’m out of uni, no skills, bad self-esteem, crappy job working from home, and I still live with my parents?

Maybe I should start doing drugs as junkies can find people. (That was a joke, I don’t want to do that)

I refuse to help people, that’s the path of being taken for everything you have. The only thing that matters in this world is survival, being good or evil is an illusion.

If I wanted to or tried to help people, they’d drag me down.

I’m active in the nerd scenes and con scenes but to be honest life kind of sucks in general. Life stalled years ago and I’ve been going through the motions. Maybe it’s a self-esteem or paranoia problem.

I used to be a Christian but God has been very quiet recently.

Maybe I should just join a cult or force myself to join another group to get me out of the house.

I am NOT helping people in any capacity, though, therein lies the path to ruin.

Thanks doc, just wanted to know your advice.

Totally Scrooged

DEAR TOTALLY SCROOGED: You know, I was tempted to just answer this with “I’m not getting paid to engage with your humiliation fetish”, but you’ve caught me in a generous mood, TS, so I’ll treat this with considerably more seriousness than it honestly deserves. Which means that it’s time to introduce you to my friend, the Chair Leg of Truth.

I can tell you precisely what the problem is, TS: you are coming across like a deeply unpleasant individual and you either don’t realize it or you think that the way you’re acting is some weird badge of honor. Which, all things considered, wouldn’t be too surprising; a lot of people seem to think “I’m the only person who matters” and “got mine, f--k you” makes them iconoclastic and “the only people who really understand”. Of course, then they wonder why they’re chronically single and nobody wants to spend time with them.

Quite frankly, your tone and your words make me question a lot of the other statements in your letter – like claiming to be a great friend in one breath and s--t-talking your friends as “nerds in varying shapes of lumpiness” in the next, followed by “lovely people though” as though that either made things better or you’re surprised that fat people can be good people. I’m sure you think you’re a fantastic friend, but I’m kinda wondering if your friends would agree.

And then there’s the rant you go into completely unprompted that throws pretty much everything out the window. I mean, I’m not entirely sure why you decided to bring up how much you think charity and volunteering is for suckers and fools when nobody had said anything about it. You apparently felt so strongly about this that you decided that this needed to be the subject in your email, which, again, is an odd choice. Congratulations on having read Atlas Shrugged, I guess, but you probably would’ve gotten further with your issues if you had read Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends and Influence People” instead.

Can’t imagine why God won’t talk to you anymore.

All of this does, however, add some much needed – if unintentional – comedy to follow up s--tting on both people who volunteer their time, money and effort helping others and unhoused people by complaining that you have no skills, no self-esteem and a s--tty job while living with your parents. So maybe that little rant from out of the blue is more about how you feel about yourself. Which, if true, would sound like you were having the beginnings of self-awareness that you then had to snuff out before you realized that taking a massive steaming s--t on both people with kindness and generosity of spirit and the people they helped was just so you could feel slightly better about being a worse person any of them.

But yes, by all means, continue to insist that people who devote their energy to caring for others; that’s absolutely going to be something that will attract women to you like mice to cheese. It absolutely won’t come across like someone who tries to troll artists by telling them that LLM plagiarism machines will put them out of work because you’re jealous of having neither artistic skill nor vision, nor will it make you sound any less like someday your s--tcoin investment will eventually pay off and then won’t people be sorry.

Continue to hell about the unhoused too, that’s something that’s absolute catnip to the ladies. There’s nothing sexier than a guy talking about how just the mere existence of people who’re down on their luck makes him violently ill and profoundly uncomfortable. Would you like to throw in some comments about queer people while you’re at it? Maybe something about undeserving minorities?

Honestly, I can’t for the life of me understand why you’re not so deep in ass that you have either the free time or free hands to write this letter.

There’s nothing that I can tell you that you’re going to take seriously, seeing as what you really need is a personality transplant even more than you would need to get out of the house. I can tell you that pretty much all of your problems stem from your attitude before anything else, and unless and until you start addressing that, any other advice would be like sticking a Hello Kitty bandage on a severed and hemorrhaging limb.

Now I’m going to be generous and assume that there’s some actual pain talking underneath all of this and all of this bulls--t is a malignant form of self-protection that you toss out in order to not confront the depth of self-loathing you feel. But even then, that doesn’t make any of it better; you’re still coming off like a prolapsed anus and in the unlikely event that someone doesn’t find it more repellant than sex advice from Andrew Tate, you should probably run screaming from them in the other direction.

Now, if you want actual advice, then I would strongly suggest getting some intensive therapy and actually listen to the therapist so you can deal with the self-esteem and chronic depression you describe towards the end.

Failing that, the best advice I would have for you is to take some MDMA until you realize that other people actually exist and develop more than a vestigial sense of empathy and compassion for others. Because, I hate to tell you this, but women are actually drawn to personal warmth, kindness and emotional intelligence and you’re showing a profound lack of any of these.

Those are your choices: fix your heart or get used to this being the rest of your life until you do.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Picture the scene – an attractive guy walks into a dance workshop, effortlessly blending in with the class. He flashes a warm smile and laughs with each partner he gets paired up with. As the lights dim and it’s time for social dancing, he’s the first on the floor, confident and full of energy. He dances with a genuine smile, enjoying the experience, and isn’t bothered by little mistakes, laughing them off with ease. He doesn’t take himself too seriously. The women he dances with always rave about what a great lead he is, how comfortable he makes them feel, and how much fun they have dancing with him.

That’s me.

And yet, despite all this, I’ve never once been on a date with a woman.

I’m in my early thirties now, and most of the friendships I’ve had have been with the opposite sex. I’d like to think I strike a healthy balance with my masculinity: I’ve got quiet confidence, natural authority when needed, and firm boundaries. But I also have a good sense of humor, and I’m approachable, kind, and empathetic. I’m not exaggerating when I say I often receive compliments about my dancing, which are usually followed by praise for my personality. People also jokingly mention my “harem of women”, and I can be quite playful and a bit of a flirt. At the last social I attended, I even got compliments on my appearance from a stranger (I’m frequently called handsome). It’s fair to say that women generally think highly of me, and see me as a fun, easygoing guy to be around.

So, why, despite all of these qualities and the fact that I’m often considered attractive, have I never been able to win a woman’s heart, or get her into bed?

I’m aware of one limitation that might be holding me back, but I don’t think it should prevent me entirely. I seem to have bad luck when it comes to meeting women in my age group. Despite trying different things – attending events in other cities, working in various places, and so on – the women I meet are usually older and already in relationships. When I do find someone single, they’re rarely in the mid-twenties to early thirties range I’m looking for, and if they are, they don’t seem particularly interested in getting to know me. At social events, they’re often the ones who don’t ask me to dance or strike up a conversation. When I tried dating apps a few years ago, I never got any matches. Even when I was surrounded by people my own age, like at university, I still found that women weren’t interested. I don’t act any differently around women I’m attracted to or who might be available, but it feels like there’s this invisible barrier that prevents any real connection from happening.

There’s clearly something I’m doing that’s turning women off from seeing me as a romantic or sexual prospect, but I just can’t pinpoint what it is. It’s confusing because the lack of interest I experience seems to be the real reflection of how women perceive me, which directly conflicts with the many positive things that are said. Lately, I’ve been feeling more discouraged about it, to the point where I’m starting to doubt whether I’ll ever actually date anyone in my lifetime.

Dancing On My Own

DEAR DANCING ON MY OWN: Alright DOMO, I want to point something out that comes up a lot in letters like yours. Almost every time I get a letter like this – someone who, in theory, has all the traits and qualities that women would love to see in a partner but who has yet to have so much as a first date – I see a lot about internal qualities, how people enjoy their company, and where they spend their time. What I don’t see is “I asked out X person and Y person and Z person and they all say no.” ��(Frequently, there’ll be mention about how the apps aren’t working for them, but that’s an entirely different beast and one I’ve ranted about repeatedly and at great length.)

It’s very hard for me to gauge what someone’s doing wrong if I don’t know what they’re actually doing. And the way letters like yours are phrased tend to lead me to suspect that they’re not doing any actual asking. In fact, a lot of the time, there’s more talk about people not showing interest than anything that they’re doing to help ping for interest or to build it in the first place.

I say this because I look at your description and I’m not seeing you taking an active role in terms of trying to actually get somewhere with folks. I’m not seeing anything about asking people out, nor am I seeing anything about expressing interest or trying to see how interested they are. Being “a bit of a flirt” is not the same thing as actually flirting with people you’re interested in. That sounds like you make flirty comments with folks you aren’t interested in, or in ways that lead folks not think you’re not serious. That’s all fine if you’re flirting because it’s fun and people enjoy it. But it suggests that there’s a lack of actual intent behind it, and that makes a significant difference. There’s flirting for funsies and then there’s flirting because you’re actually interested and willing to follow through when they flirt back. If there isn’t at least some sign of genuine attraction and interest behind it, then folks are going to assume that you don’t mean it.

Here’s the thing: being attractive is an active quality, not passive. It isn’t something that just happens. It’s not just the presence of certain traits or qualities; it’s how those qualities interplay with one another and – importantly – how they’re put to use.

Being good looking, for example, is not the same as being attractive. A statue can be beautiful, but unless you’re Pygmalion, you’re not going to want to f--k it. Good bone structure and symmetrical features are great, but they don’t do the job by themselves, especially without other qualities to back them up. Every straight woman alive can tell you about a guy who was gorgeous but rendered themselves absolutely unf--kable because of something they said or did. 

The same holds true with other qualities – being fun, being a good dancer, being safe, and so on. These are all good qualities to have. But in and of themselves, they don’t spark attraction. You can be someone people love to dance with, but don’t necessarily want to date, because dancing is fun. But you can have fun without building attraction. You presumably have fun hanging out with your friends, and the fun you have with them makes you want to hang out with them more often. But that doesn’t mean that you’re attracted to your friends or they’re becoming attracted to you. That additional element just isn’t there unless you choose to add it.

Dating and wining hearts requires connection. It requires effort. It requires a spark. Yes, sometimes sparks happen without any effort on anyone’s part. Sometimes people get hit by lightning, too. If you want things to happen, you have to put in effort to make them happen, and that requires being proactive, not passive. Even if the odds are long, you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. You can’t win the pot at Texas Hold-Em if you don’t at least ante up in the first place.

I mean, if you want to play “spot the problem”, we can leap straight here: “At social events, they’re often the ones who don’t ask me to dance or strike up a conversation” and here: “I don’t act any differently around women I’m attracted to or who might be available”. 

This, right here, is the issue. With both of these, it sounds to me like you’re waiting for them to be making the move, and that’s a mistake. As a general rule, women tend not to make overt first moves, simply because there’s a lot more at risk for them than there is for men. Even in the far-flung future of 2025, there’s still intense amounts of social pressure for women to be covert in showing interest rather than doing so overtly or even taking the lead. And in most social dancing, there’s still more of an expectation of men asking women to dance rather than vice versa… especially if the women don’t know the man in question yet.

The same holds for not acting differently around the women who you find attractive or who you think may be single. If you’re not showing that you’re interested in them, they’re not going to necessarily assume it for you. It’s not that you need to start hooting and hollering and beating yourself with a mallet like a cartoon wolf when you see someone you’re attracted to, but you do need to show that you’re attracted to them and would be interested in more than platonic friendship. If you’re behaving like a friend and holding back on any signs of romantic or sexual attraction, they’re going to assume that you’re just looking for friendship. And as I have said many times: nobody can go on a date that you didn’t invite them on.

I would also want to know what, precisely, is happening that you assume they’re not interested in getting to know you. Are you having to go to the orthopedist to get your back fixed because you’re carrying the entire conversation yourself? Are they only giving you brief, non-committal answers when you ask questions and never ask questions back? Are they not matching your energy and coming off as sullen or bored? If that’s the case… yeah, they’re not into you, and it may be that you need to be looking elsewhere. You may be dealing with a demographic who you don’t vibe with, or it may be that this isn’t a place where people are going in order to meet folks that they might want to hook up with.

A lot of women aren’t necessarily going to want to date folks they’ve just met when they’re not in social mode. This is especially true if you’re going to classes with an eye towards hooking up rather than learning, and they’re going because they’re looking to improve their moves on the dance floor. If someone’s going to a dance class because they want to learn how to foxtrot and merengue, they may not be in the mood to flirt or find a date, especially if you’re an unknown quality.

A lot of guys try to treat dance classes and yoga classes like a sex ATM, so it’s understandable that many women would have their guard up. Even someone who’s single and actively looking doesn’t like feeling like they’re chum in the water as horny sharks swim around. But that’s where being a regular comes in; you’re showing that you’re there for the dancing, not to get laid. Once they understand that you’re not yet another f--kboy, people are more likely to let their guard relax and be willing to get to know you. That, in turn, makes it easier for you to decide if you are interested in them and whether you want them to know it.

This, incidentally, is where the “a bit of a flirt” can actually work for you in the way you’d prefer. If you’re safe to flirt with – or not flirt with, for that matter – then it’s easier to get them to open up; they’ll know that you’re flirting for the fun of it, rather than trying to get into their pants. It also means that you take ‘not interested’ with good grace, meaning that you’re safe to say no to. That earns a lot of points and also means that they’re more likely to actually connect with you – even if it’s platonic at first.

As you get to know them and they get to know you, you can start to ping for reciprocal interest. Once you start seeing that maybe they’d be interested in talking a bit after the song ends or getting a drink at the bar, you can signal that you’re interested in them, specifically.

But again: this requires actually signaling interest and making moves. If you aren’t putting it out there, folks aren’t going to divine it by magic, regardless of where you are. You may need to adjust your expectations to play a slightly longer game, but it still requires active participation.

Good luck. 

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So, let’s cut to the chase. I don’t have a job, and have not had constant work for over a year now, just one temporary job between. I am working on that; I’m applying to jobs and studying for industry certifications to make my resume more attractive. But the thing that’s really hard on me is that being unemployed can be really lonely, most days being just sitting at home.

I’m getting paid unemployment benefits, which is thankfully enough for me to live on, but still limits how much money I can spend. I can’t really go out much, except for a select few activities. My swing dancing group thankfully has a program where I can get in for free if I volunteer, so I do that every week, but I do feel like I need better friendships there. I also want to at least meet up with people on the days where I don’t do that. But a lot of places to go cost money. I have thought about asking others to practice dance with me, but I have a really hard time asking, just in general.

I know it shouldn’t be a priority now, but I also think a lot about not having much physical touch as well, which includes things like cuddles and sex, and that’s been weighing on me. I know I shouldn’t really think about it too much, and should probably deprioritize it this time, but it does weigh on me. Especially because I’m probably not at the point in which I could have a long-term relationship, and I don’t really know if I could ask for anything more casual without the person I’m asking still not minding being around me if the answer is no.

All these problems have existed prior to this, but they’ve been really weighing on me a bit more with unemployment going on, to the point that it sometimes distracts me from getting the work done that I need to do to get myself out of this.

So how should I get better at being social, having any kind of social life, while unemployed?

Broke Like A Joke

DEAR BROKE LIKE A JOKE: This is another verse in everyone’s favorite song: “The Problem You’re Asking About Is Not The Problem You Have”. Everyone sing with me, you know the hook!

OK so. The money issue is definitely a hindrance, I’m not going to lie. For all the times people say that money can’t buy happiness, the fact of the matter is that what money does buy is security, convenience and, in many cases, more options. While that may not be the same thing as happiness, it sure as hell forms the foundations. It’s a lot easier to be happier when you’re not living from paycheck to paycheck or trying to figure out which bill you can get away with not fully paying.

But despite what the hustle-grindset bros and manfluencers will tell you, dating and friendships aren’t luxury goods. Poor people, underemployed and unemployed people all date and have friends and manage to live social lives. It will require more effort on your part, because effort and planning are frequently money-soluble issues. If you don’t have to stretch a paycheck or an unemployment benefit, it’s a lot easier to make spur of the moment plans. But you can have a social life, even a thriving one, when money is tight.

It just requires both doing some research – something that is possible for you, since you still have Internet access – and a willingness to focus on low-cost or free options for going on dates or hanging out. You can, for example, plan dates or get togethers that don’t cost much money. Museums often have a “suggested donation” option or days where entry is either free or discounted. Many cities and towns have regular events like concerts or movies in the park or local festivals. You can plan a romantic picnic on the cheap – literally just a baguette, some cheese and a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck and you’re good to go.

The same goes with hanging out with friends. When it comes to strengthening your friendships, time together is more important than the actual activity. Not to be an old man shaking his cane at the youngsters on his lawn, but I am old enough to remember the days when the “we just get in our car and drive around” was actually a thing people did on a Friday or Saturday night because there was sweet f--k-all else. ��(Yes, those scenes in movies of teens and twenty-somethings cruising up and down the main drag in various towns was a thing, especially before the rise of the multiplex and the mall.)

You can plan hangouts at places that are either cheap to go to or free to get into. There are art walks, lectures and seminars at the local library, volunteer opportunities… applying a little creativity and ingenuity opens up a world of options if you expand your horizons a little beyond going places with a cover charge, require a ticket to get in or otherwise cost money. Hell, I’ve got a friend who decided to get together with his friends at the local sculpture and botanical garden – which is free to enter – and just take photos of one another for their social media and dating apps. Didn’t cost a thing, gave everyone a novel activity to try and everyone had a great time.��But also there’s no reason that some of those hangouts can’t be at your place or your buds’ place with some cheap beers, couch co-op games or abusing someone’s Netflix password. Or you can find a place with cheap drinks or specials you can afford and a live local band. Or, if you live in a college down, there’re often a ton of options that were set up specifically with broke college students in mind. 

Most people, unless they’re snobs or assholes, are going to understand that sometimes s--t happens and you’ve got to stretch your paycheck until it begs for mercy. If they’re actually your friend, the odds that they’re going to drop you like a bad habit because you can’t afford to go to the high-end craft cocktail bar or overpriced wing shack or whatever is very, very low. ��The point is: you can make it work if you’re suitably motivated and willing to do the legwork. But as I said: that’s not the real issue here.

The real issue is that you’re afraid to ask for what you want. Literally none of this is going to be possible if you’re not willing to tell folks “hey, let’s do $CHEAP_THING this weekend!” or otherwise invite them to stuff that you can actually afford. Nor, for that matter, are you going to actually find someone who’s up for a relationship, casual or otherwise, if you’re not willing to risk getting rejected.

Now part of the problem is that I don’t know if you’ve actually thought some of these things through. If, for example, you’re going to propose a casual, no-strings relationship to someone, it’s more than a little absurd to be proposing it to someone who you wouldn’t hang out with otherwise. As a general rule, you really shouldn’t be dating someone you couldn’t be friends with if sex and/or romance weren’t on the table. And unless you’re being an absolute asshole about how you’re going about flirting or asking them if they’re interested in a date, then you really shouldn’t worry that they’re going to not just say “no, thank you” but “ewww, get away from me you horrible goblin, how could you even think that?” Most of the time, the worst you could reasonably expect is some momentary awkwardness that you both agree to power through.

At the same time, however, if what you’re worried about is that by proposing a casual or FWB relationship to someone is going to mean they’re going to start avoiding you or not wanting to hang out with you, then odds are good that you already know what the answer is going to be. This isn’t a “don’t ask questions if you don’t know the answer already” kind of situation, but rather a “you should have a good idea if they’re interested, especially if you’re going to skip straight from ‘let’s go on a date’ to ‘so, you, me, no strings, eh? Eh?’”.

Most casual relationships don’t start as a “Hey, I’m single, you’re single, wanna f--k until we find someone else?” proposition. Most of the time, there’s been some form of expressed interest from both sides – if not a date, then at expression of interest or sexual tension. If you’re thinking of asking them cold, then that’s probably a sign that you don’t have the underlying mutual attraction that’s a pre-requisite for hooking up in the first place. If there already isn’t some mutual chemistry – back-and-forth flirting, moments where the two of you would’ve kissed if something hadn’t interrupted you, casual physical contact that starts getting way less casual and lingering more than a platonic connection would warrant – then this is likely going to seem like it’s coming out of the clear blue sky. And it’s a hell of a lot harder to say “yes” to “want to start a sexual relationship with me” when you didn’t even realize that the other person was interested or you’ve never even thought about it.

And, as I said: that’s not a money problem. Money’s not going to solve it; expensive dates aren’t Love Potion No. 9, expect for people who are attracted to money. Quite the opposite, in fact. Part of what makes Pete Davidson such a popular guy isn’t because he’s putting on the Ritz, is that he’s known for taking his celebrity girlfriends on fun but low-key, normal people dates – getting ice cream and going for a walk, for example. He makes it fun because he’s fun to hang out with, not because he spent every dime for a wonderful time.

These are things you could do, too. But it’s going to be a lot easier to invite someone on a date than to propose hooking up. You can say “hey, I’m not in a position to offer anything long term, but I like you and I’d like to take you out some time. Would you like to grab a couple iced coffees and go see the kite festival?” That’s a much easier lift than trying to go straight to a f--kbuddy connection, especially if neither the “f--k” nor the “buddy” parts were already in play.

I understand the hesitation and I understand how being unemployed makes it that much worse. But it’s not the unemployment that makes any of it untenable. You can’t rely on either friendships or sex partners to fall out of the sky. If you aren’t asking for what you want, you aren’t likely to get it. And if you are going to ask, it’s a lot easier to ask for something far easier to say “yes” to at the start and see if there’s anything there to begin with before you move to “we’ll bang, ok?”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com