DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This isn’t exactly about dating, but it’s about relationships nonetheless.
So, back in 2016, I met this man, we’ll call him Thomas, on a dating app. We went out on a couple dates before we mutually decided that we’d be better off as friends. I’d say we weren’t so much friends as casual acquaintances. And then, towards the later part of the decade, we lost touch for a few years. Fast forward to spring of 2022, he invites me over to his place to watch a show that him, his boyfriend and I all enjoy. After that, the three of us became virtually inseparable. I would hang out with them upwards of three times a week. I even helped him move into his house that July.
Fast forward (again) to September of last year, I meet this new couple, their names are Chris and Elliott. Over the past 5 months, I’ve grown very close with Chris and Elliott. They make me feel loved and supported in a way that I never have. They’ve given me a key to their apartment. They’ve become my chosen family. They also live in the same town as me, which makes hanging out with them easy and convenient.
In about October, Thomas made a very inappropriate comment about one of Chris’ best friends that I felt was super uncalled for. But, you know, none of us are allowed to be mad at him for it (Thomas has a very fragile ego.) Mind you, he had not yet met either Chris, Elliott or said friend of Chris’. Thomas still has not met them and, after that, mostly likely will not be meeting them as Chris and Elliott have expressed no interest.
After all this, Thomas and I lost touch for a couple months (during which I kept hanging out with Chris and Elliott), and when I saw him a couple weeks ago for the first time since before the holidays, he told me that he feels like he’s being replaced. However, I’m also starting to feel that I might simply be outgrowing him. Plus, I love him but there’s a few things about him that makes it a little exhausting to be around him. For example, he doesn’t let people enjoy things, he complains about EVERYTHING, he’s always gotta be right and overall, he’s kind of a downer of a person. And to top it all off, he’s making me feel as if the fact that we lost contact for those couple months is my fault. Meanwhile, he doesn’t reach out to me to make plans. With the exception of Chris and Elliott, that’s how it is with all my friends; if I don’t reach out, I’ll never hear from them, and that’s exhausting.
I’d love to hear your two cents on all this.
Sincerely,
Don’t Make Me Choose
DEAR DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE: OK, before I get into the dynamic of you and your rotating cast of characters, I want to address the “reach out first” thing because this is something that a lot of people struggle with and you just provided me with an opening.
This is an area where a modified version Hanlon’s Razor is relevant: don’t assume malice (or disinterest) when ignorance would also explain things. When someone is in the position of always being the one to initiate contact, that doesn’t necessarily mean that their friends and acquaintances don’t care as much.
It’s often as likely that this is the dynamic that grew up in the relationship – one person tends to be the initiator, facilitator or organizer of plans. That doesn’t mean they’re necessarily the best or most suited for the role so much as they’re the one who did it first or most often. Many times, the rest of the circle aren’t thinking about this dynamic. It’s just… how things happened. They themselves may be in a similar role in the parts of their social circle that don’t necessarily overlap with the others’.
It’s also entirely possible that people are so head-down in their own various responsibilities, dramas and messes that they don’t have time to stop to think that they’re not the one who reaches out… or they might want to reach out but are afraid to do so because they worry that they’re going to annoy or bother others.
(That sound you hear just now are hundreds of people yelling “OH GOD ITS ME” at once.)
Because the others may not realize that this is the dynamic they’ve fallen into and/or they’re one of the classic “I would, but what if…” types, they may not realize that the person who does all the reaching out, all the planning and all the inviting feels unwanted and would probably have the Forehead Smack of Dawning Realization if it were pointed out to them.
This is why it can be good to say “Hey, sometimes it feels like I’m the one who always reaches out first; I’d love it if you (individual or plural) might reach out to me, too.” After all, if they don’t know that you feel this way, they can’t do anything about it. Hoping that others will read your mind (or assuming that “if they were really your friend, you wouldn’t have to say anything”) ultimately just means that nothing is going to change. So speak up about it – clearly and directly. It may take a time or two before folks change their patterns of behavior; that’s more of a matter of breaking the inertia, not a lack of caring.
But with that out of the way, let’s talk Thomas. Thomas seems like A Lot. Not that he’s necessarily a bad person, but he’s A Lot of person and that can be hard to take in large doses. This can be especially true if he’s the sort of person who doesn’t realize he’s often the source of a lot of his own struggles. For example: you don’t mention why he felt it was appropriate to make a disparaging comment about someone he apparently doesn’t know and never met. It may have been because of his jealousy of your burgeoning relationship with Chris and Elliot. But it was still uncalled for, and his retreating back to being an UWU Smol Bean when called out on it makes it that much harder to address the problem.
While it’s understandable that he might feel jealous of your relationship with Chris and Elliot – a relationship he used to have with you – the fact that he makes it your problem is… well, the problem. The same applies to his not reaching out and with generally being a bum hang; it makes it harder to want to include him. If he can’t take a “dude, what the hell” or a “could you maybe just not?”, then it makes everyone that much less inclined to spend time with him – especially when the other option is hanging out with folks who don’t act like that.
This is why, yes, it’s fair to say that maybe you have outgrown him – or at least this current iteration of your relationship with him.
Not every relationship – romantic or platonic – is meant to be forever. Relationships are made out of individuals who’ve come together and are growing together. But sometimes those individual components separate over time. Sometimes the people who were right for you at one stage of your life aren’t right for you once you’ve grown past it, and you grow apart. That doesn’t mean that anyone necessarily did anything wrong, nor does that mean that the separation is forever. Sometimes you grow apart, then come back together again. Sometimes the cycle repeats: you grow apart, then come back together, then grow apart again.
Now, it may well be that he’s the sort of friend who’s best handled in small doses; you see him every few months (or years) because over time he eventually builds back up to being insufferable or you just naturally drift apart. That may just be the dynamic of your relationship, and when circumstances are right, you’ll be friends again… if that’s something you’re open to.
But if it really is reaching the point that you just can’t stand the idea of putting up with his s--t again, it may be worth telling him “hey, I think we’ve been growing apart,” and calling it. You don’t need to give him a laundry list of why, and if he asks specifically, you can give him the gently edited version. But at the end of the day, anyone can leave any relationship for any reason, without needing to justify it to the other person or people. If you’re feeling like this relationship no longer fits or fulfills your needs or the cost of being in it with him is too much, you’re well within your rights to go your separate ways.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com