DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 26-year-old woman with limited relationship experience. My only relationship occurred when I was 16 years old. Since then, I’ve been on dates and experienced one-sided infatuations. Typically, when things go well or conversations click, I find myself envisioning a future with the person after just a couple of dates. However, I don’t struggle with being without romantic relationships day-to-day, and I don’t obsess over dating. While I appreciate romantic connections, I find it challenging to develop attachments to men randomly. My past relationships stemmed from friendships and long-term acquaintances. I’ve also harbored many crushes on friends but was too shy to confess my feelings to them.
Eight years ago, I added someone on Facebook whom I didn’t really know, but we became Facebook friends. Since then, a lot has changed for him—he pursued acting and is now a full-time actor, living nearby. Last year, out of the blue, he wished me on my birthday, despite us never really interacting.
Suddenly, a year later just out of the blue, I found myself imagining marrying him. I began envisioning our encounters, the parties we’d attend, our arguments, conversations, his proposal, and how he’d become an integral part of my life. These fantasies offer me a glimpse of being captivating, desired, and pursued by someone intriguing. The mental connections I forge with them reflect the kind of relationships I aspire to have. However, these infatuations typically fade over time.
Since entertaining the idea of marrying him, I’ve started noticing him more frequently — on the streets, on Instagram, everywhere. While I acknowledge that celebrities and individuals live separate lives from their public personas, I can’t help feeling jealous when I see paparazzi photos of them dating someone or when he posts pictures with others. It’s not just celebrities; I tend to construct narratives for crushes too, visualizing an idealized movie-like scenario where everything works out perfectly for us.
I guess my question is – well, is it weird? Do you think this is a bad habit (if it is how do I overcome this), something that’s worth getting rid of? Is this something that I should worry about? I feel it does give me some sort of comfort but the question is – should I feel guilty about this?
Daydream Believer
DEAR DAYDREAM BELIEVER: Is this weird? Yeah, kinda. But honestly, weird doesn’t mean bad, and normal’s overrated.
Is it a problem that you need to fix and should you feel guilty about it? Not really… but also why should you feel guilty? Fantasies are just that: fantasies. They’re products of pure imagination. Unless you actually take steps to try to manifest them in real life, they’re just little stories your brain is telling itself; they may be distracting, but they’re ultimately harmless.
Now, if it’s the case that you’re finding yourself avoiding relationships or passing on opportunities to date other people that you also find attractive or alluring, then yeah, that can be a problem. But from the sounds of it, this infatuation isn’t actually interfering in your life or causing you distress, nor do you see it as being anything more than a simple infatuation that hit you out of the clear blue sky. If you were seeing this as being a prelude to your fated love affair to last the ages… ok yeah, that’d be a problem. As it is, it sounds like it’s just a series of fantasies you’re indulging in.
I understand that it feels like maybe you’re falling too deeply into it, especially with the whole “Now I see him everywhere” aspect. But honestly, this is equal parts confirmation bias and social media algorithms at work. With the former, it’s like how after you buy a particular purse, you suddenly see that purse everywhere; it’s not that suddenly everybody was buying them, so much as you never had a reason to notice them before. Now you’re more aware of them, so you perceive them more often. With the latter… well, you interact with his posts and his pictures, so Instagram is going to throw more of them in your feed. Facebook pixels and website cookies track your movements online, so you see more ads with his smiling face or topics that’re related to him because the algorithms see that he’s a topic and content you react to. And if he’s a successful working actor with a modicum of fame? Yeah, it may seem like he’s all over the place.
But, again: that’s the Internet these days. If you were into Dimension 20, you’d probably be seeing Brandon Lee Mulligan and Erika Ishii all over instead.
(And you should, they’re awesome. But I digress.)
With all that having been said, there were a few things in your letter that jumped out at me – nothing distressing or alarming, but telling, I think.
Part of it is the way you describe your attraction patterns, how you usually end up attracted to friends and people you’ve known for a while. It sounds to me like you might be demisexual – someone who really only starts to feel attraction (especially sexual attraction) to a person after you’ve gotten to know them and feel an emotional connection to them. That might be useful information to keep in your back pocket, because of how it may inform how you might want to pursue real-life relationships instead of fantasy ones. It’s clear that you want to feel desired and pursued. That’s far less likely to happen if some of the guys you’ve been crushing on don’t know that you might like to touch their butts or do some deep-breathing exercises around that soft part of their neck, right where it meets their clavicle.
You also mention how you’re usually too shy to act on your crushes. That, combined with the fantasies you describe, suggests to me that maybe part of the appeal of these is that they’re safe. An imaginary relationship – one that can’t happen – is by definition, perfect. It means that everything will go perfectly, that you never have to worry about making mistakes, screwing things up or dealing with the messiness that comes from human connections. It also means you never have to question how the other person feels about you or whether you’re “worthy” of them. It goes exactly as you want it to and everything works out because you’re ultimately the author of the whole experience.
In real life though, things don’t follow the Happily Ever After formula of romance novels. People argue and fight, people snipe at each other, cheat and break up. A relationship in the real world means deliberately making yourself vulnerable, opening yourself up to be hurt by someone you care about. That can be incredibly scary, especially if you feel to some degree that someone wouldn’t choose you. So, rather than pursue relationships where you might actually have a chance of getting together in the real world, with its accompanying risks and responsibilities, you subconsciously choose impossible ones because you know they can’t happen. They’re inherently safe, because they pose no real risk.
If you’re happy with this, then hey, more power to you. It doesn’t sound like these are causing you actual problems outside of the “is this normal/ should I feel bad” issue and pinging your jealousy meter on occasion. But it may be worth working on your shyness and building up the courage to ask an actually attainable crush out to coffee and start making some in-roads in your physical life, too. Fantasies can be fun, but the real world has them beat hands down. Even with all the risk and the mess. Or perhaps, especially because of those.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com