DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got a bit of dilemma
I’ve had a crush on this guy for a while now but a few months ago I found out him and a girl I know from college were sleeping together. At the time it didn’t really bother me too much, but now it’s been months later and my attraction towards him has progressed
They don’t sleep with each other anymore, but I guess my question is, if something was to happen between us, would it be wrong to pursue it? The girl didn’t know I crushed on him, and we aren’t close and don’t speak or anything outside of college, but I get anxious about making people uncomfortable and we’re not on a level where I could ask her if it she would be okay with it.
It’s been weighing on my mind massively and I feel like a bad person for having these feelings but I’m really attracted to him and I can tell he feels the same way but I don’t want any trouble what do I do?
If you could give me some advice that would be really appreciated.
Who’s Turn Is It?
DEAR WHO’S TURN IS IT: Alright, it’s story time, WTIT. I know this is going to sound like a digression, but stick with me for a second. I promise, this is going to make sense for your situation.
Back in the Before Times, the Long Long Ago, I started dating Dr. Mrs. The NerdLove. As was the cringey custom at the time we actually made it “Facebook Official”; that is, did the “relationship status” change that ends up as a post on your timeline. When we did, a mutual friend of ours, who I used to date waaaaay back when, was put out. Apparently she was upset that we didn’t tell her in advance or get clearance from her to start dating.
This made precisely zero sense to either of us, seeing as my ex and I had been broken up for more than a decade but also what business was it of hers what either of us do? So we both shrugged our shoulders, said “whoops” and just moved on.
I mention this because the absurdity of the idea that either of us should get “permission” or check in with my ex before we start dating is pretty self-evident. People can be in their feels about something, but that doesn’t actually obligate other people to do something about it.
Here’s the thing: people aren’t the next turn at the pool table or something being offered on a Buy Nothing group. You don’t get to call “dibs” on a person and if you’re not in a relationship with them, you don’t get a say over who they date or sleep with. People can feel how they want about it, but that’s a them problem, not a you problem.
If you’re friends with someone and you know they have strong feelings about someone you’re about to date or hook up with, then sure, you might want to give them a heads up so that they can at least brace themselves and not get hit out of the blue. It’s considerate, but not mandatory; it’s not as though you’ve committed a horrible sin if you don’t. However, please notice that I said “give them a heads up”, not “ask their permission” The fact that they are having feelings about it doesn’t mean that they get a vote or a veto in your business or the other person’s.
But in your case, you don’t seem to have any relationship with this other person outside of “former classmates”. You’re not obligated to clear things with friends, never mind people who are, at best, nodding acquaintances. It’s not your responsibility to manage other people’s feelings for them, nor is it your duty to forgo a relationship because someone else might have a sad about it.
If they have a problem with it… well, they can have a problem with it. But it’s not your problem. It’s not even her ex’s. It’s hers, and she can put on her big-girl pants and deal with it. If she tries to make it your problem… well that’s what “mute” and “block” functions are for.
You like this guy. He apparently likes you. That’s all that really matters here. You two are the only people in this equation who get a vote in this. So go ask him out and see what happens. You have my blessing… not that you need it.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com