DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a woman in my early-mid 30s dating a man just into his late 30s. I’ve always been a bookish dork who was better at alphabetising her video games and colour-coding her anime plushies than being social (big time introvert), so when I found a cute ambivert who orders his graphic novel collection chronologically and loves SFF almost as much as I do (though admittedly, he has way more replicas of the Enterprise), well, I was delighted.

He and I first met about five years ago via an online dating site. We hit it off instantly and after about 10 days agreed to meet in person. Our first date was amazing, and just like that, we were regularly going on 1-3 dates a week. However, about two months in – when I was really starting to fall for him – he broke things off with “I don’t really think this is working, sorry”. I was gutted – we had great chemistry, and from my perspective, everything had seemed to be going well. But I’m not one to chase attention from people who don’t want to give me any, so I didn’t try to change his mind – I took it on the chin, wished him the best and did my best to forget about him (can’t lie though, I cried a LOT – for weeks). One year after he dumped me (almost exactly to the day, even), after we’d been hanging out as friends following a chance meeting in town some weeks earlier, he kissed me as he dropped me home and asked if we could give things another try. If I’m completely honest, the feelings I’d started having for him had never really gone away, so I said yes.

We’ve now been dating exclusively for almost four years. He is wonderful, the best man I have ever met: he’s kind, thoughtful, supportive, generous, a tender and talented lover, handsome, patient, accomplished in his career (in our shared, stereotypically nerdy industry), sweet & understanding to my mother (a widow & still grieving the loss of all my siblings to congenital disease). I’ve met his parents, siblings, nieces & nephews, we’ve been on multiple holidays together (including one with his best friend & his best friend’s wife), he’s been nothing short of great as I’ve pursued a second degree part-time, we had the “kids chat” and agreed neither of us wants to be a parent (phew – I’ve known for a long time I didn’t want to have children, but he was a “maybe” until his siblings had kids, now he says he’s very happy being an uncle and doesn’t want to be a dad).

All sounds idyllic, right? And it is, I’m very happy and fulfilled except for the fact that we still live separately (I rent in the urban area where we both work, he has a mortgage on a small house in the suburbs). He first brought up the idea of us living together late last summer/early last autumn. I was very happy about this, as I know that he is the person I want to build a future and get old with – but now, given that we haven’t made any progress towards actually making it happen five or six months later, I’m getting a bit worried that maybe we aren’t on the same page about it after all, or that he isn’t actually that sure he wants to live with me. [We live in a country where COVID precautions/restrictions could potentially make certain aspects of moving more difficult, but wouldn’t be enough to make the process impossible.]

I love him deeply, and more than anything, I want him to be happy. Obviously, I really want him to find that happiness with me. He’s a truly beautiful soul and deserves all the joy and success and love in the world. But I know I deserve those things too, and I’m at a point where part of feeling like I have that is sharing a home with someone as committed to a loving future as I am. That doesn’t mean I need him to marry me tomorrow, or even in the next year or two… but it would be nice to know he actively wants us to live together and at least sees marriage in our future, or if the worst case scenario is true and he’s decided he doesn’t want either of those things, that he can admit to me that he just doesn’t want to live together (or get married). I love him enough to let him go (and be happy without me) if that’s what it takes.

I suppose what it comes down to is that in terms of progression, it feels to me like we’ve hit a hump and there’s an imbalance in how eager each of us is to get over said hump. He obliquely referenced the idea of living together again (at some point in the undetermined future) last weekend, so I asked him if he had any thoughts on what that timeline looked like for him, and it was ‘summer-ish, I guess’. I then asked for clarification whether summer meant more like May or more like August/September to him, and he said ‘July-ish?’. Which I’m fine with – if it actually happens. But given that since he first brought it up, we’ve only discussed living together when I initiate the conversation, I’m a little wary of being breadcrumbed. (I wouldn’t really describe him as commitment-phobic, though I am his first long-term girlfriend, and we were each other’s first intimate/sexual partner.)

I don’t think it’s too unrealistic or unreasonable to be feeling kind of sad he and I aren’t living together yet after almost four years. I know that this is a conversation I need to have with him, however scary – and I’m going to, but I’d really appreciate some advice on how to approach the issues. I’m neurodivergent and sometimes struggle to express myself as clearly/fluently as I would like… the last thing I want to do is come across like I’m trying to break up with him on the spot if he doesn’t want us to move in together immediately or that I’m trying to issue some sort of deadline by which he needs to propose or whatever. Either would be horribly unromantic and counterproductive. But I do need to work out the best way of communicating to him that I’m not going to sit around forever idly hoping he’ll want to ACTUALLY live together one day – I would rather be alone than be uncertain about my relationship/future indefinitely, and I’d also rather be alone than be offered a commitment by someone who felt like they only did it because they felt they had to or were expected to. So any tips you’ve got for navigating this topic with him, I will receive gratefully.

Yours in hope,

Two Houses, Unalike In Dignity

DEAR TWO HOUSES UNALIKE IN DIGNITY: This is one of those times where you and your boyfriend are gonna have to sit down and have an Awkward Conversation, THUID. It’s clear that there’s a disconnect somewhere between the two of you about your long-term goals and that disconnect is making things uncomfortable for you. Carving out time to sit down, explain why moving in together is important to you, why you get anxious about this open-endedness and why you would like some clarity is going to be important. But it’s also going to be important to let him have his say — including being willing to give him space to share any worries or misgivings he may have without judgement. And to make it clear that he can express any worries or anxieties he may have without having to worry that it’s going to blow up the relationship. And that may include being willing to hear that he doesn’t want to live together or that he has worries about it.

Often when you run into a situation like this, where one partner is giving vague or non-committal answers to future plans, the issue is that either they don’t want to do the thing and they’re afraid to say so… or there’s some aspect to it that bothers them, but they worry that bringing it up is going to destroy the relationship. But because they know that it’s important to the other partner, they try to give just enough to satisfy the partner without actually committing to something in a way that doesn’t allow them to kick that proverbial can down the road a little further.

The problem is: you can only kick it down the road so long before you run out of time and then someone calls the question. And when that happens, nobody has dealt with what the actual issues are and so everything gets incredibly messy and instead of an awkward conversation, you end up having a potential relationship extinction-level event instead.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend isn’t keen on the idea of living together. The big question is… why, exactly? You’ve been together for four year and change, so it’s hardly an issue of being commitment averse. In the spirit of honesty, it could be that he’s trying to slow-walk out of the relationship and thus doesn’t want to move in together. But while that may be a nightmare scenario, it’s not the only possibility, nor even the most likely one. It may be that he likes a certain amount of alone time or unstructured freedom and living together makes that more difficult. It could be that he doesn’t like the idea of what living with another person may mean for him and his lifestyle, structure or routine.  He may feel like circumstances are bad for trying to move in together, especially if that means having to give up his place and going through the hell that is apartment or house hunting. Or there may be some emotional association he has with shacking up that gives him pause; maybe he’s seen too many of his friends’ relationships fall apart after everyone moved in together and he’s worried that’ll happen to the two of you.

So when you have the Awkward Conversation, you want to share your side of things — making it clear that this is just how you feel, not blaming him or accusing him. You want to share why you feel like this is important to you, what an ideal solution would be and why this would make things better for the both of you. But then, give him his space to share his side openly, honestly and without interruption until he’s done, just as he did for you.

And when you’ve heard each others’ sides and are sure you understand where the other is coming from… it’ll be time to try to see if there’s a way to resolve the issue. And to be clear: resolving the issue doesn’t automatically mean “finding a compromise that allows the two of you to finally move in together”. Just as he should give consideration to moving in with you, you should be asking yourself whether not living under the same roof is an absolute dealbreaker for you. While living together is something most couples move towards, that doesn’t mean that it’s necessary for the relationship. There are couples who don’t share a bedroom and instead have their own space. There’re couples — including married couples — who don’t live together. They live close to one another — sometimes in the same apartment building or condo, sometimes even in adjoining duplexes — but they both have their own separate homes and they’re all the happier for it. Not living under the same roof doesn’t make their relationship any less valid or any less committed; it’s just how they’ve decided to structure their relationship.

That’s the great thing about relationships; you and your partner get to set your own rules and figure out what works for you.

So make that appointment to have The Awkward Conversation. Be willing to be open and honest and non-judgemental with each other, even if it’s scary. And then be willing to ask yourself how much you’re both willing to bend on this particular subject. It may be that there’s some way to assuage whatever worries he has. Or there may be a way of making things work even if you don’t live together in the traditional sense.

And one last thing: while you don’t want to use The Awkward Conversation as a way of kicking the can even further down the road, you don’t need to have an answer immediately. You and your boyfriend may need to give yourselves a little time to really chew on things, process what you’ve had to say and then start working towards a solution. That’s a lot easier to do if you don’t feel like you have to have that solution by the end of of business that day. Giving yourselves a some space to process, a little room to see how you feel and then come back to the topic. That extra time may make all the difference.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time lurker, first time writer. I met this girl back in April, before all this madness, and we really hit off. She gave me her number and over the next months we chatted almost daily.

We had a lot of things in common and we talked about many issues, some serious, some just chitchat, sharing memes and the music, movies and series we liked. Many times we spent all night long talking and having fun, even when be both had to get up early to work.

We had four dates before the outbreak of coronavirus and we didn’t see each other again because we both resolved to stay at home until this pandemic died off. So for the last months we only texted each other and nothing changed, we still talked a lot and things were cool. However, I began to notice she became less and less engaged in our conversations, taking a lot of time to text back or even leaving me on seen many times. Suddenly we didn’t talk for days, but then we would talk for three days in a row and then radio silence for a week. One day, I sent her a text and she left me on seen. I thought it was the new normal and she would reply a few hours later. But nothing. She was online almost all the time but she didn’t reply.

I asked a couple of days later if she was ok or if something happened (she told me before some health issues within her family and I got worried) and she left me on seen again. I didn’t bother her anymore, because maybe she was really busy or had something going on in her life or just didn’t want to talk to me anymore. A few days later I checked and her profile picture is gone, meaning she deleted me from her contacts. So, after solid three weeks, now it’s certain that what we had is over.

The thing is, we didn’t have a relationship and we weren’t really friends. Maybe we could have been. I’m highly inexperienced with girls and this was my first time getting to know someone. It was my first time sharing time and feelings with a girl and also the first time someone was interested in me. I guess I became too attached and more emotionally involved that her. Maybe I scared her away because of that. I liked/like her and this was the first time I had a crush or feelings for someone and I actually could get to know that person and like her for how she was.

I’ve had experienced infatuation, Oneitis, crushes and all that, but it was always based on speculation or idealizations, never by discovering the personality of a girl, with her positive and not-so positive traits. This was the first time it was ‘real’. As I said, I know it wasn’t a relationship, but it feels like a breakup. Or what I imagine a breakup is like. It hurts so much. I’ve been crying a lot since things ended and I can’t even work. I only want to lie in bed all day and cry myself to sleep. Or just be there staring at the ceiling.

I feel also so ashamed for allowing this to affect me this much. She moved on easily, while I’m still mourning something that never existed. And to tbh, as the song says, I’m still crying, waiting and hoping she would text me back and things we’ll be normal again and each time I get a notification, my heart beats faster hoping is a text for her.

Is this normal for someone absolutely inexperienced in dating and relationships or I’m showing how immature, childish and overly emotional am I and that’s the reason why someone would leave me? It will take more time to get over her?

Heartbroken for No Reason

DEAR HEARTBROKEN FOR NO REASON: Alright, HNR, there really isn’t anything that anyone can say that’s going to make what you’re feeling hurt less. This is one of those times when, unfortunately, the only way out is through. While there are some best practices that help speed up the healing after a heartbreak, unfortunately, the pandemic means most of them are off-limits or too risky to pursue until after you’ve gotten the vaccine and the antibodies.

But while nobody can stop the pain for you, I can, at least, explain a few things for you that will help you get some perspective.

First and foremost: you’re feeling this way because it’s your first serious brush with heartbreak. You invested a lot in the idea of this woman and the idea of a relationship with her and then had it yanked away with no warning. When you haven’t had much experience with relationships, it’s all too easy to over-invest in someone; you’re so caught up in the rush of this new and novel experience that you don’t realize that you’re giving too much to somebody you barely know. And to forestall what I can already hear you saying: no, you don’t know her nearly as well as you think you do. Much of what has to do with that eagerness and excitement; you’re rushing to fill in the blanks without realizing it because it’s so new and exciting and you’re getting high as balls off oxytocin and dopamine. But after only a few weeks… you two are still virtual strangers to each other. You’re seeing the very polished version of them and vice versa. This doesn’t mean that you’re not that person or that they aren’t who they seem to be. It’s more that this is the version that you and she are hoping to live up to.

Now that’s going to make that first serious rejection hurt like a motherf--ker in and of itself. But this is also happening during the COVID-19 pandemic, which means that everyone’s working with seriously reduced emotional bandwidth. All of those feelings are much closer to the surface and much louder than they would be otherwise, so it makes everything much more intense… especially those negative feelings of heartbreak, despair and loss. So yeah, this sort of thing is gonna hurt a lot more than it would otherwise. While knowing this doesn’t make it hurt less, it’s important to keep in mind that these aren’t normal circumstances. You’re basically dealing with having been dumped during a once-in-a-lifetime event, a perfect storm of suck that’s the emotional equivalent of pouring lemon juice on a paper cut.

The next thing to understand is that this sort of thing happens. You and your crush had a relatively intense but ultimately shallow connection. I get that this sounds judgmental, but this isn’t about the quality of your connection, it’s about time. You and she simply didn’t have enough time to really explore things together, get to know each other and see if there was enough there for the two of you to build something together. This is part of why it’s important to not over-invest in someone when you’re still very much in the “getting to know you” stage of dating; you’re setting yourself up to be hurt because these kinds of connections are like shooting stars: intense, bright and brief.

This was exacerbated by the fact that, well, COVID happened. And while there’s literally no way to plan for an event like this, major events have a tendency to kill relationships, especially fairly new ones. Sometimes a major life event — such as losing a loved one — cause the person dealing with the event to reexamine their priorities and decide they need to make changes to their life. Other times, it’s a major disruption to their lives and they find that they simply don’t have the time, patience or emotional bandwidth for a lot of things they did before. In this case, the fact that you went from being able to see each other in person — even if you didn’t get together often — to a de-facto long distance relationship blew up the emotional momentum you had. It sucks… but honestly, that’s life. Sometimes life throws bulls--t in your path and the only thing you can do is try to avoid as much of it as you can.

Would this have happened if the pandemic and lockdown didn’t spring up? It’s impossible to say. It very well could be that you and she would’ve fizzled out anyway. But to be perfectly frank, there’s no point in speculating because in the end not only is there no way to know, but it’s a pointless exercise.

Here is the third thing you need to know: a lot of what you’re feeling is coming from your hurting your own feelings. You don’t know what she’s thinking or what she’s doing. You’re making assumptions about her motivations and actions because it hurts you and fits into a narrative you’ve created for yourself. It’s much easier to assume that this is all because you’re “unworthy” because you have full and continual access to the inside of your own head and no access to hers. So you create rationales and stories that fit what you are feeling right now; you’re feeling ashamed and pathetic and so you end up building up this idea that this must be why she cut ties. But the fact is that feels aren’t reals, my dude. Your feelings are intense, but they’re not the same as facts and they do alter your memories and interpretation of events. The real truth is: you don’t know and you will likely never know and that’s ok. Sometimes s--t happens and there’s nothing to do. There’s no lesson to be learned, just moments to be lived through, endured and put behind you.

Because the truth is that relationships end — sometimes because you got dumped, sometimes because you did the dumping and sometimes because it just fades like the fog in the morning. The fact that a relationship ended doesn’t mean that you did something wrong or that you were unworthy; many end simply because they reached their natural conclusion. Not every relationship is meant to be forever and that is fine. Not every love story is an epic poem. Some are meant to be short stories. Some are just dirty limericks. Some never get off the ground in the first place, and often because you and they weren’t right for each other in some way. There’s no good guy or bad guy or way you could’ve avoided it; it was just the story of two people who didn’t click the way they would need to in order to work as a couple. Even if one of them wanted to, very badly.

So for now, take your time to mourn and feel the f--k out of your feels. But you want to avoid wallowing; the more you beat yourself up about how you f--ked this up and how pathetic you are, the worse you make it on yourself. Instead, just accept that this sucks and it feels bad… but it’s only for now. I realize it is cold comfort in this moment, but this will pass. And it’ll pass all the faster if you don’t treat it as a referendum on you as a person — it isn’t. There’re things you could do better — not over-investing, as I said — but that’s the sort of thing that can only be learned through experience.

In the meantime: find the things that occupy your mind and keep your attention elsewhere. Find activities that are manifestly good for you — whether it’s putting that energy towards a couch-to-5k program, picking up a new hobby or taking time to read some really awesome books. Do things that feed your soul and help you feel like you’re becoming the version of yourself you want to be in the future, and the pain you’re feeling will fade before you realize it. This sucks, no question. But all of this is just a speed-bump. It’s a learning experience we all have to go through. You’ll survive this, you’ll come through on the other side and be a little wiser, a little more cautious and ready to try again. You’re not a loser, HNR; you’re just someone who loved not too wisely but too well.

You’ll get past this. You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been a fan of yours for awhile. The topic that you cover about dealing with rejection and how to enjoy being single (even when you don’t want to be), has helped me a great deal these past few weeks.

Let me give you some background information before I ask my question. I am a 27 year old cis-gendered male, who recently asked out a girl and got rejected. She gave the “let’s be friends” speech. She also used to be my co-worker before she started to pursue a masters. I will say the one silver-lining is I believe she was 100% genuine about being friends, because she has said on a few occasions that she wants to keep in touch with me after leaving the company.

I have developed pretty strong unrequited feelings for her, because I was able to connect with her so deeply emotionally. I felt that not only did we have a lot in common, but we were also compatible, had similar values and were very supportive of one another at work. Plus COVID-19 gave her and I a lot of time to spend together getting to know each other for the past few months. I will mention that, twice she brought up that she had a lot on her plate with life, and wasn’t looking to pursue a relationship right now, so I probably should have saw the rejection coming a mile away when I asked her out on a date.

Cut to now. I legitimately want to remain friends with her, so I invited her to virtual trivia with my friend group. She accepted the invitation and is happy to still hangout with me. I still harbor feelings for her and would be lying if I wasn’t hoping she may change her mind down the road. However, I am not going to wait for that to be the case, so I am trying to set up an online dating profile for the first time in my life. I’m hoping that connecting with other women, even when I still can’t be with them physically because of the pandemic, will help me feel attractive again to women I’m attracted to. Also, it would be nice to have someone I could date and develop a close relationship with that I can see after COVID-19 is less of an issue.

So my question is: how do you set up a successful dating profile when you don’t have really any current selfies, or photos of you hanging out with friends or doing activities you enjoy?

I literally joined Facebook and Instagram 2 weeks ago at 27(never had any social media before then), and never was in the habit of taking photos of my life and adventures. Also, with the pandemic I’m kind of limited in things I can do in my city, and cool selfies I could take outside my apartment to fix this issue.

Any online dating photo hacks or advice are greatly appreciated.

All Hail The Instagram Filter

DEAR ALL HAIL THE INSTAGRAM FILTER: So I’m not going to get too deep into the fact that being “friends” with someone in the hopes that you’ll change their mind is a bad idea, AHIF; if you’ve been reading this column for a while, you already know that.

Instead, let’s focus on getting you up and running on some dating apps, so that you don’t put all your hopes on watering a (potentially) dead plant.

Here’s the thing about photos on dating apps, AHIF: people — mostly men, but women too — misunderstand the point of them. A lot of men tend to assume that the photos on dating apps are about showing off their so-called “sexual market value”; that is, trying to hit as many potential attraction switches as possible. That may mean showing off your physique, your fancy car, the “cool” things you’ve done… basically, trying to stack as many bonuses and display them like the tail of a peacock. This is how you inevitably end up with dudes with Tinder profiles where you could swap pictures of them out for pictures of an absurdly jacked kangaroo and never notice the difference.

(That’s also, incidentally, why I get letters from dudes ranting about how superficial and shallow women are on dating apps and how “even 5s think they’re 10s”.)

In reality, photos on dating apps are there to do two things.

First: to capture your potential match’s attention.

Second: to give them an idea of who you are and what dating you would be like. 

Your goal isn’t to impress women; your goal is to make it easier for the women who want what you have to offer to find you in the first place. Online dating isn’t about finding as many matches as possible, it’s about matching with the right people, the people who are looking for a guy just like you. If you focus on trying to be the hottest thing out there, you may or may not get more matches… but those are going to be weak matches at best, with people you aren’t compatible with. As the saying goes: you don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea, you want to be a select group’s shot of whiskey. That’s why your photos are a visual shorthand to who you are as a person and what life with you would be like. You want to show yourself off to best effect and show who you are at a glance.

Now you, like a lot of guys, may not have many photos of yourself. That’s not unusual; culturally, guys are often taught that “selfies” are for girls, and shallow, self-involved girls at that. But not only is that bulls--t, it also puts men at a disadvantage. Part of the reason why women tend to take better pictures in general and better dating app photos in particular is because they take a lot of selfies. Having lots of photos of yourself, especially when you’re the one in control of the camera, means that you not only get more comfortable with having photos taken, it means you get better at looking good in photos. And yes, that’s very much a skill that you develop with practice. A lot of looking good in photos is about understanding your angles. Bodies and faces tend to be asymmetric to one degree or another; knowing how to pose yourself in front of a camera makes it easier to present yourself in a way that minimizes those asymmetries. This is why, for example, Shannen Doherty was famous for her “head tilt” pose, or for keeping her hair over one eye. It’s also why “getting your good side” is a very real thing, not just something shallow and vapid people say.

Similarly, taking lots of photos teaches you the value of lighting very quickly. Overhead lighting, for example, is your enemy; it deepens lines and shadows, makes your eyes look sunken and serves to make everything look warped. Fluorescent lighting will make your skin look sallow and cause every single flaw, blemish, zit and oversized pore stand out like a crow in a snow bank. Backlighting makes it impossible to see you at all. The best lighting is indirect sunlight; this tends to give a softer effect that makes everyone look good.

When you understand your angles and lighting, half the job is done for you. The rest is just staging and framing.

In non-COVID times, one of the things I would suggest is talking to a professional photographer; there are many, many photographers who specialize in taking photos for social media and dating apps in particular, especially with photos that look like candids. But that’s a little difficult to do at a time when masking and social distancing is vital.

Fortunately, there are workarounds. If you have a smartphone, you can take some very good photos that will work perfectly for dating apps. In fact, with a tripod or stand and a bluetooth trigger, you can take selfies that don’t look like selfies. And the portrait mode on your smartphone will let you take photos with a low depth of field, keeping you in focus while blurring the background, making your pictures pop and give that professional look that makes photos stand out.

As a general rule, you want about four or five photos for your profile.

Your main profile photo should be your very best picture of your head and face, using the portrait mode on your camera. You want the camera to be slightly above your eye-line, not below; shooting from a low angle distorts you in unattractive ways. I can’t count the number of “selfie from waist height” I’ve seen in dudes’ dating profiles; nobody looks good like that. Be sure that you aren’t wearing a hat or sunglasses, or anything else that obscures your face. Women want to see what you look like, and those not only get in the way, but they make you look like every reactionary asshat profile photo on Twitter.

Your second photo should show more of you — say, from the waist up. Again: use the portrait mode to get that great soft-focus that makes you pop off the background.

The others should demonstrate who you are and what you enjoy and give a hint of your personality. If there are things that are important enough to you that you mention them in your profile, try to make a point of having a photo that includes them; it’s a sort of dating-app show-don’t-tell. Right now you may not be able to have photos of you and friends, but you can still have photos of being out and about, especially if you use a tripod or stand. Tell stories in miniature with those photos. If you look at some celebrities’ photos on IG, notice how the framing, location and pose all convey a particular mood and message. The more you can grasp that, the easier it is to show people who you are through photos.

Also: smile. Yes, I know there was that one post on OKCupid’s blog about how women don’t respond to pictures of dudes smiling. It’s bulls--t and it’s stupid; women respond better to warmth and friendliness than your best “I am the Night” blue steel. If you don’t look like you’re having fun, in at least a couple photos, you’re going to end up turning folks off.

Don’t worry too much about having tons of photos with friends right now. It’s the middle of the COVID pandemic; everyone understands that we’re all staying home and staying safe (and the ones who aren’t are demonstrating that they make s--tty choices). Putting your best face forward is more important than a dozen action shots. Plus: you can always take more pictures down the line. In fact, that’s a smart thing to do. Changing up your pictures not only means that your photos are fresh and demonstrative of who you are, but it keeps you active on the site. That, in turn, helps goose you in the algorithm and puts your pictures in front of more people.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com