DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First of all, thank you for your good work! I’m a long time reader of your blog, and I like the content you put up, your sense of humor, and the hope you give to people who struggle at dating.

The problem I want to talk you about is that I have a clearly irrational (but socially crippling) fear of romantic rejection and I want to know what to do about it.

Just to start, here’s some background information about me: I’m a 34 years old man, single. I have dealt with OCD and depression for years and I’m still in therapy. I have a job I really like as an assistant teacher for special education children, and even though I don’t earn a lot my job perspectives are getting better. I have my own car, but for a series of reasons (including the recent pandemic) I still live with my mother. So, overall, I could do better, but I could do worse, too.

I have never had a lot of success in terms of romantic relationships – I’ve had a semi-serious sexual relationship years ago that didn’t last long, and I’ve been on a few dates during the years – although only very rarely and never to the point of things getting beyond early dates.

My biggest dating problem is, indeed, the one I mentioned before: I’m irrationally afraid of being rejected, so I rarely if ever approach women romantically and I actually often prefer not to. I used to have issues making friends as well (again, mostly due to fear of rejection) but that’s getting better in the last years – I’ve made several friends who like me and respect me, and I like and respect them.

I can have light, funny, flirty conversation – and occasionally, if everything seems to go well, that seems to be enough to casually agree to meet each other again, usually without this explicitly being called “a date”. And on one occasion a woman I met pulled basically all the stops: she sat on my lap, we kissed me and she brought me to her room – we ended up dating for a short period of time.

That happens only very rarely, though, and I realize I can’t rely on the women I meet to do all the work – it’s quite a thing to expect!

However whenever I try to psych myself up to ask out a woman I’m having a fun, breezy conversation with my brain always comes up with fears upon fears and worries upon worries, so I end up either a) folding back to a less flirty and more friendly behavior or b) freezing and making things slightly awkward, then moving on.

The worries always center about the rejection itself – especially around the idea that I’ve somehow deluded myself that the person I was talking to was actually interested in me romantically or sexually, and they’re actually not, so I’m putting them in a difficult situation and they don’t know how to react to break it down gently to me. Somehow I find this thought incredibly scary and painful – I’d really hate to end up in a situation like this, so I prefer bailing out, even though rationally I know that it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

The funny thing is that I don’t have a problem with the concept of rejection per se on a rational basis- I realize I can’t appeal to everyone I meet and that people have their own priorities and preferences.

I’ve also been soft-rejected by phone, social media or email several times after a first or second date and it’s always been no big deal – and when I’m ghosted I’m not happy but I can move on. It’s just the possibility of immediate rejection in presence that for some irrational reason I can’t fully understand fills me with dread.

Things use to be worse in the past – I used to pretend to be in a relationship to give myself the chance to interact with people without having to worry about romantic rejection – which I understand is something that doesn’t make a lick of sense, and isn’t healthy, so I’ve stopped doing that.

(It’s also counterproductive – there have been a couple of occasions when I was having a fun conversation with a woman and things seemed to go well but I lied about seeing someone as a way to avoid having to ask out the woman I was talking to even if they seemed interested – talk about being illogical!)

I’m discussing my problem with my therapist and so far I’m not making any sense of it – so I said to myself that I could try to ask out someone who has specific experience and knowledge about dating issues.

Thanks,

Irrationally Afraid of Rejection

DEAR IRRATIONALLY AFRAID OF REJECTION: The answer to your problem is fairly simple, IAR.It’s just the execution that’s difficult.

The problem that you’re having is that you’re tying all of this to your self-worth… or lack thereof. You touch on it yourself: you worry that you’ve deluded yourself into thinking that someone could possibly like you and that your expressing interest in them is some sort of great inconvenience to them. So now you’re dealing with the double whammy of a) being brought back to the “reality” that you’re inherently unloveable and unf--kable and b) because you had the temerity to be into somebody, you’ve caused them hardship and inconvenience, which makes you an even bigger asshole. Somehow. It’s a variation of guys who are terrified of creeping women out because they asked her out on a date or otherwise expressed interest. You can even see echoes of this in the constant “be attractive/don’t be unattractive” schtick people bring up about sexual harassment and #metoo.

That’s why you have this dread of in-person rejection in the moment: to you, it feels like a judgement of you as a person. It’s the confirmation of all the worst things you believe about yourself, telling you that yes, you are as bad as you’re afraid you are. That’s a hard outlook to shake, because it’s very easy to find confirmation when you look for it. You’ll see dude after dude insisting that the reason they’re “creepy” is because they’re unattractive, that women are looking for reasons to reject men and that if you don’t have the six sixes (that is: six feet tall, six figure salary, six pack, six inch (or bigger) penis and 600 horsepower car) women will just call you a creep. You’ll read horror stories about dudes who don’t take no for an answer or who bug women constantly and how awful that all is. And you’ll take it all in because it feels real. It feels like truth. But it isn’t. It’s just your brain f--king with you. We all have an inherent negativity bias that means that negative thoughts and experiences affect us five times more than positive ones. That bias means that you’re going to give more credence to the horror stories and internalize them more. And since they will often align with what you already believe and already fear, then they just serve to confirm those beliefs.

Here’s the thing: part of the reason why you’ll see those stories is because… well, they’re stories. They get attention because there’s a distinct narrative, a good guy (or girl or enbie), a bad guy (or girl or enbie) and the inherent voyeuristic appeal of them all. It’s not that they’re all that happens, it’s that those are the only ones that people tell. After all, there’s nothing terribly notable about a guy who politely asks a woman out on a date, she says no and he says “no problem, have a great night.” Nobody is going to tell stories about the guy who was courteous, made a socially acceptable overture and took rejection with good grace because… well, there’s no drama to it. It’s the same reason why nobody tells the story about how they went to the coffeeshop, got their order and had a pleasant experience, but will tell the story of the asshole in line or the barista who royally screwed up their order.

I mean, there’s a reason why the movie wasn’t called “Blackhawk Up!” after all.

But while those stories of things going horribly get the attention, they’re not representative of anything. They’re outliers, events that are notable enough to be a story. A guy who’s polite and friendly, who makes a reasonable move (“I’m really enjoying talking to you; would you like to get coffee next week?” vs. “Hey, how about you and me cut to the chase and just f--k, dollface?”) isn’t putting somebody in an awkward position. They’re showing that they have good social and emotional intelligence; doubly so if they take rejection well. And look: I’ve been rejected more times than you’ve had hot meals, and I can tell you from experience: it’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be. It’s not dramatic, it doesn’t get you kicked out of the club or the city, it’s just being told “thanks, but I’m not interested” and moving on. It kinda sucks — nobody likes getting turned down — but it’s a minor annoyance. It’s a speed-bump over the course of the night.

The key is threefold.

First: you have to work on your sense of self-worth. Since you’re already talking to a therapist, you’re already in position to work with them on helping resolve that. The more you can value yourself and not see your interest in others as being an imposition, the easier it becomes.

Second: you have to take your ego out of it. Most of the time, when you’re getting turned down, it has nothing to do with you as a person. It’s usually a case of the two of you just not being compatible, which is value neutral. It’s not bad, it’s not good, you just don’t mesh correctly. No harm, no foul. Other times, you’re getting turned down for reasons that are entirely about them. They’re just out of a relationship, they’ve had a s--tty day at work, they just saw their ex and they can’t deal with things right now or they just plain aren’t in a place where they are interested in going on a date. That’s all them, not you.

Third: you have to get used to getting rejected. Sorry. There isn’t really any way of avoiding that. Asking people out on dates means opening yourself up to being turned down; it’s part and parcel of the whole “dating” thing. It’s impossible to play the game so well that you won’t get rejected. In fact, as a wise man once said: it’s possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s not weakness. That’s life. But part of getting used to rejection means realizing that it’s not that bad. It sucks, yeah, but it’s not going to destroy you. You say “ok, not a problem” and either go back to talking about something else or wish them a nice night and move on, and the whole thing will just wash away as the non-event it actually is.

Now, one of the things that can help when it comes to learning to overcome your fear of rejection is to be outcome independent. I realize this seems like an impossibility; how can you be outcome independent when you’re looking for a relationship? A relationship is, after all, an outcome you’re specifically interested in. But here’s the trick: you take the end goal out of it. You don’t focus on anything other than “this is an interesting or awesome person, and you would like to see if they are, in fact, that awesome.” So you ask them out on a date — a date where you’re ultimately trying to see whether they are worth your time. If you two click… brilliant! Maybe there’ll be a second date. If you don’t… well, they may not be a future romantic partner, but they may be a cool new friend. Or it may be a nice night with pleasant conversation and company and nothing more.

And if they turn you down? Well, then you got your answer: you two weren’t right for each other, and now you’re free to go meeting other people who are right for you.

By taking the importance out of the answer and focusing only on the immediate future — a date or not — then you help defang the fear. It’s not a judgement on you and your entire future, it’s just a change of plans for the weekend.

But that means you have to be willing to put yourself out there. Which is scary at first. I totally get that, especially when you’re not used to it. But whether it’s taking your car onto the freeway or asking somebody out for a date: you may be nervous the first couple times, but do it enough times and it becomes second nature to you. You just have to be willing to power through the fear the first few times.

You’ve got this, IAR.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Lately, I’ve had these recurring thoughts, that maybe the only reasons I want to seek romantic relationships with women is a combination of curiosity, fear of missing out and a sort of jealousy towards happy couples I’ve known.

Some background: I’m in my late 30s, and have basically zero experience when it comes to relationships. Never kissed, been on an actual date or had sex. The reasons as I’ve seen them are ones you’ve probably heard a bunch of times: Low confidence, social anxiety, difficulty expressing myself, a general lack of assertivity, the works.

Over the years, I’ve become aware of these shortcomings. As you might imagine, they’ve had an impact on my life beyond my (lack of) dating life. Up until relatively recently, I couldn’t hold a job beyond a few months. I got into this awful cycle of starting out optimistically, but my lack of communication and reluctance to ask for help were seen as apathy and incompetence, and I’d inevitably reach a point where I just didn’t make the cut and lost my job. This happened at least 3 or 4 times, before I resolved to look for help on my issues.

Now, with a combination of some rounds of therapy, reading self-help books and blogs, and support from close friends and family, I’ve managed to regain a bit of control over my life. I’m in a pretty good position in my current job, and I’ve had some victories in dealing with my anxiety (Phone calls no longer terrify me the way they used to). Obviously, I’ve still faced some situations that make me freeze in panic and indecision, but progress has been visible at least.

However, one aspect where I have not been able to see progress is in interpersonal relationships. I have some small groups of friends, some pretty close, but pretty much all of them revolving around my hobbies. Most of the time I have to interact one on one with someone (and specially with women), I’ll either blank out on what to talk about or do the nerd-ranting thing when a familiar topic pops up. Not to say that all I’ve had is bad experiences, but here’s the thing: Even in the occasions where I’ve had positive social experiences, I can’t seem to enjoy myself, and that brings me to the original premise.

I’m not sure if it’s the more avoidant parts of my personality that cause a lack of trying in regards to dating because it’s “not worth the hassle”, but I can’t help but think it might be something else. I mean, I do feel attracted to women and as far as I can tell I’m not asexual. However, I just can’t see myself in a relationship and find it hard to find motivation to pursue one.

Any thoughts?

Owner of An Indecisive Heart

DEAR OWNER OF AN INDECISIVE HEART: Hey man, I think you’re doing yourself a disservice here. You’ve made a lot of progress, in what seems like a relatively short amount of time. I mean, look at what you’ve accomplished. You’ve gotten help, you’ve been proactive in making your life better, building your social skills, working on your communication and building up your confidence and emotional resilience. That’s pretty damn huge. You should be proud of what you’ve achieved! You’ve come a long, long damn way, and that’s incredible. I’m really proud of you for that.

I think part of the problem that you’re running into is that you’re pushing yourself pretty hard and it’s making you stall out a little. One of the things that people often don’t think about as they’re working on themselves is that self-improvement, especially when it comes to things like overcoming social anxiety, takes time and energy. The problem is that sometimes you can get caught up in the excitement of your progress and push yourself a little too hard. Much like when you’re starting an exercise program or beginning to train for a sport, you can overtrain and overexert yourself and end up hitting a wall. It’s not that you aren’t ready or that you haven’t progressed to this point, but that you’ve basically exhausted yourself and drained your reserves. As a result, you actually end up running the risk of injuring yourself or losing a little ground because you have nothing left in the tank.

… ok, this metaphor may have gotten away from me a little.

The point is that you’ve made a lot of progress, and that’s taken time and energy. And while I totally get the desire to keep pushing forward and get to that next level in your development, I think you may need to take a moment to breath and recoup your energy. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when it feels like you have to give everything you’ve got to being present and social AND focus on all the other things you’ve learned.

Small wonder that you don’t have much motivation to try to pursue a relationship; you’re still working on not exhausting yourself while you practice your newfound social skills.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you should want a relationship. It may well be that it’s just not your thing. There’s such a thing as being aromantic; you can be attracted to people and interested in sex, but not interested in romantic relationships. But I think it’s just as likely that you don’t have the bandwidth for pursuing one yet. What I think you should do right now is focus on what you’ve already accomplished. There’re four stages to developing a skill set:

1) Unconscious incompetence (you don’t know anything about it at all, including how unskilled you are)

2) Conscious incompetence (you’re aware of what you don’t know)

3) Conscious competence (you can do it, but you have to think about it as you do it)

4) Unconscious competence (you can do it without thinking)

Right now, you’re at stage 3; you’re aware of what you’re doing, you know how to do it, but it requires that you pay attention. That takes up a fair amount of mental RAM, so it’s not surprising there’re other areas where you still go blank or feel like you’re struggling. Taking a little time to develop those skills you’ve already learned into metaphorical muscle memory so that you reach stage 4 will go a long way towards freeing up that RAM so that you’re ready to start applying it to talking to people and enjoying social situations. When you don’t feel like you’re struggling, you’ll be in a better position to enjoy things. When you get to that point, it’ll be a lot easier for you to gauge just what it is you want when it comes to companionship and relationships.

And hey, you may well realize that while you like sex and friendship… you just aren’t looking for romance. And that’s fine. That’s a perfectly valid option if that’s where you decide you fall on that spectrum.

But for now: take a victory lap and a victory nap, my dude. You’ve earned both. Take some time practicing your newfound skills and then move on to the next stage. Despite what you may be feeling, there really is no rush. You aren’t on anyone’s schedule but your own and there is no deadline that you have to meet. Love and relationships — if that’s what you want — will be waiting for you when you’re ready.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: am a big fan of yours. You have helped me get through my feelings of inadequacy of being a virgin in my late 20s (By the way, where are all my virgins at? *laughs*), and my feelings of being morally bankrupt for watching porn and masturbating. For that you will alway have my gratitude.

My question is probably a little different from what is usually sent in for Ask Dr. NerdLove, because it is based on creating a social media account. Let me give you some context before I give you my question. I am a 27M who has never really had social media (I do have a YouTube account, but from everyone I have talked to about social media they don’t really consider it to be, especially because I “don’t upload my own videos”). I mean, I didn’t even have a MySpace when that was cool.

To be completely honest this didn’t start as a “f--k you” to Mark Zuckerberg, because I was trying to transcend the need for social media, or thinking I’m better than people who use social media to communicate. I just wasn’t that interested when I was younger.

As I got older, however, I did start to catch backlash for not having social media, whether it was from girls that I would ask out feeling really uncomfortable that I don’t have it (when they would try to give me their Facebook or Instagram instead of their number or asked for my social media), or the really weird question I would inevitably get asked from someone who finds out I don’t have any: “Do you believe in social media?” Like it’s a religion or something.

Only after talking to my close guy friends (a lot), and getting rejected by a girl that is in my bubble and a new friend, did I come to realize it was because I decided to make my life harder and my dating pool smaller on purpose. I realized for some reason I decided that I wanted to prove to myself and (I guess) others, that I could have a successful love life and social life without it, because of my feelings of being worthy of sex and love. I know it is still possible, but as each year goes by and I get older, I become more serious about getting a relationship (whether sexual or romantic), and more miserable I don’t have one.

So my question is: What is the most well rounded social media application to stay in contact with people I’m close with, and meet the largest amount of girls out of Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter (I’m only really planning to get one)? And, while we’re at it, what are their distinctive differences and audiences they attract? As I said before, I literally have no f--king idea, I know they exist, but I have really never even seen my friends use them.

I know starting social media is not a cure all for, admittedly, unwanted celibacy, and I have a steep learning curve. But, and this is a big but, I really don’t want to limit myself anymore. Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Last Night A TikTok Saved My Life

DEAR LAST NIGHT A TIKTOK SAVED MY LIFE: So there’re a couple things here, dude. First of all: yes, you can date and meet people without social media. I mean, I realize as a Gen X-er I’m officially one of the Olds but hey, we successfully got by without Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok or what-have-you. Having an Instagram account isn’t going to be the thing that tilts “do I want to bang him (y/n)?” to the “y” side of things, in and of itself. Plenty of folks get by without it.

The thing is:  the younger you are, the more you’re going to stand out for not having a social media presence. This isn’t inherently good or bad, it’s just unusual, because social media use is pretty ubiquitous, especially when you start getting to the digital natives in the Millennial and Zoomer generations. Social media has, in many ways, become the place where folks interact with their social circles. It’s how folks stay in contact with each other, it’s where we share our lives and it’s become part of the overall fabric of society. This is especially true during the pandemic; since we can’t be with our friends in person, social media has been a critical part of how people have stayed connected with friends, colleagues and loved ones, especially those who may be spread all over the country or planet. Social media sites and apps have become central to the lives of millions.

(Now whether this is a good thing is a hotly debated subject… especially after the spread of QAnon, anti-vaxx communities, the radicalization effects of Facebook and YouTube and the events of January 6th. Not to mention basic issues of privacy.)

So the fact that you don’t have a social media presence will, in fact, make you stand out as being unusual. How people respond to that is going to vary from individual to individual. To some, it’s going to seem like you’re trying to position yourself as a type of snob, hipster or holier-than-thou type; the 2021 version of “I don’t even have a TV”. To others it’s going to seem suspect. After all, when more and more people live their lives online, not having an online presence can seem to some as though you have something to hide. And on a practical level, it can be inconvenient; plenty of folks plan events and get togethers via social media, and that makes it easier to keep everyone in the loop and updated in the event of any changes. When someone isn’t on social media, that makes it harder to keep them connected and involved. Past a point, that difficulty can lead to the outliner not being included — not out of malice or dislike, but simply because it’s easy to forget that you need to take those extra steps.

Now all of that doesn’t mean that you need to develop a social media presence. Those are inconveniences, yes, but not necessarily deal-breakers. If that’s something you’re ok with putting up with, then hey, there you go. But it sounds like you’re looking to actually break this particular seal and get on… somewhere.

So if you were to choose just one… I’d say choose the one that most of your friends use. That will give you an immediate network of people to follow and interact with and who can help you get a quicker grasp of various customs, memes and the unspoken rules that so often crop up like mushrooms after a rain. That being said, you should familiarize yourself with the options that are out there. Facebook is ubiquitous and has the much larger overall user base, but it also tends to trend older. Instagram is a little more unidirectional; you’re broadcasting more than conversing. There’re plenty of conversations that happen in the comments, but it wasn’t designed with an eye towards communities the way that Facebook was. Twitter is closer to being somewhere between the town square or a large restaurant; some folks are speaking to the crowd, others are having conversations with their friends that you’re just able to overhear. And of course there’re always apps like Snapchat, Tumblr, TikTok… all of them are going to be different, and all of them are going to have their different user bases. Figuring out which is best for you will be a matter of trial and error, ultimately.

Now that being said: while you can meet and date folks from Facebook, Instagram and so on, it’s important to remember that for most folks on there, those aren’t dating apps.  That doesn’t mean that dates, hook-ups and relationships don’t start there — hell, I can’t count the number of real-life relationships that started on Final Fantasy XIV or World of Warcraft — that’s not what they’re intended for and that’s not what most folks are looking for or expecting.

(Well… kinda. Facebook did add Facebook Dating, but that’s another discussion entirely.)

When you start off, think of your social media presence as being an insight into who you are as a person. You’re sharing part of your life — what you’re into, what you do, etc. The key to meeting people on social media is that you treat it like meeting people through your social circles. You don’t want to cruise through Facebook pages like a horny shark, hitting on everyone who catches your eye; you simply get to know people. Sometimes you and another person will catch a vibe; you can take the conversation to DMs and see where things go. But if you go through Facebook or Insta or what-have-you like it’s a singles bar, you’re gonna be seen as just another free-floating offer of dick, like so many others. You don’t want that. And frankly, neither do the folks you’re going to be talking to.

To be sure: the pandemic means that social media and dating apps are how we’re connecting with folks right now, simply because it’s not safe to do so otherwise. But overall, my recommendation is that you see social media as an accessory to how you meet folks you want to date. It’s a way of staying in contact, expanding your network and giving folks some insight into who you are as a person. The more you focus on your in-person social skills, the easier it is to meet people on social media… and turn those connections into in-person dates.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com