DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: In the midst of quarantine, around May or so, I decided I’d try to get my dating life in order even in the time of corona. I reactivated my Hinge account and had some matches, but everything sorta fell flat (naturally, people are hesitant to meet in-person these days and even video chat; I date women so I can’t really blame them for the latter and the former just makes sense given the pandemic) and I wasn’t really feeling it, so I locked my Hinge account so I wasn’t available to nearby people and decided to find other things I enjoyed doing since a lot of what I loved (gym, social gatherings, live music, bars) was obviously off the table and I needed to be a more well-rounded person. Fast-forward to the middle of August where I reactivated my Hinge account to try and run through it again. I felt like it was worth it to try again because I live on my own (de facto; my roommate is with her boyfriend currently) and I wanted to get out there.

About two or three weeks ago, I matched with a person on Hinge (we’ll call her “S”). She is just… well, wonderful. A dual-degree masters student currently on leave who does work in affordable housing architecture; is outgoing, outdoorsy (which I am not, but enjoy doing), and just an all-around pleasure to be around. On our first date, we decided to brave the unideal air quality in the Bay Area and went on a bike ride to a couple of places, walked around a small isthmus for about an hour, took a ride to a few outdoor places to grab Mexican food and a beer, and just chatted and enjoyed each others company. Afterwards we headed to the local marina to see her boat (she also sails!!!!! Holy s--t!!!) and look at the beautiful bay, despite the smoke. We had a second date recently, where we grabbed Mexican food (again) and beer, and ate dinner and drank in a nearby park for about four hours. I was really nervous but I think the beer helped (I drink very little so a couple of cups is enough to get me buzzed) and about two hours in we started cuddling on a park bench, and then she kissed me. We made out various times for the rest of the night, then I walked her home (after hanging with her for over four hours total) and we’ve been texting every so often the past few days (we would have hung out yesterday and this weekend, but she had to make an emergency trip back home). I am not trying to put the cart before the horse here, but overall I really like S and I think she is just a super wonderful, beautiful, and fun person.

And that’s where my anxiety lies: I know that I really like this woman and that she’s great, but how I feel is sorta at odds with what I know to be true. For example: I know that I like her, but the feeling of euphoria that one gets from meeting and dating someone at the beginning isn’t there, or at least not as intense, as it usually is for me. We also text fairly frequently, but not nearly as often as I usually have with people I usually like or have dated in my late teens and early 20s (which worries me, but also makes me feel better because texting ALL THE TIME is exhausting no matter who it is). I guess my concern is whether or not this is… normal? I don’t want to end up realizing that I don’t like this woman because, for all intents and purposes, I really really do. But I feel like my brain is telling me that this is wrong, because meeting someone you click with after dating is supposed to give you specific feelings. So because of what I’ve heard about how the first few dates are supposed to go, compared to how I currently “feel” (in terms of human affect), I worry that there’s a mismatch between what I think and how I feel. I’m not sure if it’s because of my brain being a jerk (which would NOT be new), the meds that I’m on (Lexapro for anxiety; I didn’t realize that I was feeling emotionally detached until just recently), or something else.

Should I be worried? Should I, as you have mentioned in many of your articles, “chill the hell out?” Again, I don’t want to get ahead of myself here because I’ve only been on two dates with S, but I also worry about potential future dates/relationships where I may feel this way. I’ve had very little dating experience and so this is probably my most “formal” exposure to it, which probably adds to the anxiety a bit, so that may also be a factor as well.

Any advice or feedback is appreciated. Again your suggestions you made in our session all those months ago have been super helpful and I’m so glad that I was able to discuss those with you.

Best,

Missing The Buzz?

DEAR MISSING THE BUZZ: First of all: congratulations on putting yourself out there, MTB, and on meeting somebody new. That’s huge, and you should be proud of all the progress you’ve made!

Now let’s talk about your letter.

This is what’s known as “borrowing trouble from the future,” MTB. You’re getting really, really ahead of yourself right about now, especially considering that you’ve only had two dates with S. Not only are you getting worried about facts not in evidence, you’re getting worried about things that aren’t actually a problems.

Take the texting issue, for example. You and S aren’t texting as much as you had with previous relationships — especially relationships when you were still in your teens. That’s not actually an indicator of anything other than the fact that you and S don’t text as often as you did when you were much younger. One of the things that you should keep in mind is that every relationship is going to be unique. The patterns you had with this ex or that one aren’t going to be universal; you’re going to find that each relationship has its own vibe, its own feel and its own routines. Part of every relationship is discovering those patterns together. It’s part of the adjustment period as you and they get to know each other and find the things that work for you.

The same is true of the buzz or euphoria you worry about. That euphoria — the New Relationship Energy — isn’t an indicator of how strong, viable or good this connection is or will be. It’s simply the high you get from the oxytocin and dopamine rush of being with a new partner. Just as importantly though is the fact that you’re not a teenager. When you’re young, especially when you’re a teenager, everything is more intense. Your body is a chaotic maelstrom of hormones and it turns everything up to 11. The same is true of when you’re relatively inexperienced and you’re hooking up with someone who not only are you crazy about but they’re into you too. It’s an intensifier; you’re thrilled because woah, this is all new and different and holy s--t it feels amazing. But it’s literally the novelty of it that makes things so intense; we’re a novelty-seeking species, and new experiences generate way more oxytocin and dopamine than the ones we’re used to. But we’re also an incredibly adaptable species, and hedonic adaptation always kicks in; what felt insanely intense starts to mellow out because it’s now our normal. The fact that you aren’t completely twitterpated over her doesn’t mean that you don’t actually like her, it just means that you’re a grown-ass adult who doesn’t lose his head over limerence. 

However, all of that is secondary to the most important thing: you have only had two dates with S. They were great dates to be sure, but it was just two dates. This is way the hell too soon to start worrying about what X, Y or Z means about your relationship because… well, it’s not a relationship yet. She’s still a relative stranger to you, and you to her. Getting caught up in “wait, does this mean I’m not that into her??” isn’t just putting the cart before the horse, you don’t have the damn horse in the first place.

So, yes, you need to chill the hell out — both about S and about any future dates or relationships. Every person you date will be unique, and so will the way you feel about them. Some of them will hit you like a goddamn dopamine hammer to the brain. Some of them will be like easing into a warm bath with a good book and two fingers of fine bourbon. Those are all valid, and don’t mean any more or any less than the others.

Relationships aren’t chess matches. You don’t want to be trying to think three moves ahead, and doing so is a great way to never actually be able to enjoy a date ever again. What you need to do — with S and with any other person you date in the future — is to take it one day at a time. You want to spend time getting to know them and seeing what develops. What is calm but pleasant now might turn into a frenzied tornado of sexual excitement as you build up trust with each other. What’s intense and intoxicating may burn out before you can even blink. There’s no way of knowing, and trying to predict it is a fool’s errand at best.

Here’s what’s important: right now, you’ve had a couple awesome dates with S. She seems like an amazing person, with the right measure of brains, ambition and attraction for you and you enjoy the time you spend together. You clearly have emotional chemistry and no small amount of physical chemistry. It’s far, far too soon to be trying to make more of it than what you currently have. Enjoy what you’ve got with them, take a “let’s see where this goes” approach and just relax.

You’ve got a good thing going here. Let it be its own thing and just see where the ride takes you. If it leads somewhere, then hey, yahtzee! If not, then you’ve had a great experience and a reminder of just what’s out there and what you’re capable of when you put your mind to it.

Take the win, already, my dude. You’ve earned it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Near the end of last year I started a new relationship with this incredible girl. Our chemistry was great and it honestly felt like I had found my “life buddy” (a term we called each other). She not only showed interest in the things that I liked but I was also interested in her likes and even when I didn’t understand them I was still able to see what she saw of value in them.

Fast forward to March of this year. Due to the pandemic we were both furloughed from our jobs and although we did our best keeping entertained for a month she felt homesick and moved back to KY with her family. The thought of going long distance was daunting but it was something we agreed we could attempt to do. After spending six months apart it feels like we both reached a breaking point. When talking about when our paths would cross again she didn’t seem very sure of were her life would be headed. Meanwhile, I had just started my graduate degree and returned to work. I had suggested she come down and visit me in FL, but she said she didn’t want to risk traveling. I was fine with this, until she mentioned she was also planning on flying to the Virgin Islands with her family. I brought this up to her on our last conversation, mentioning how it felt a bit of a double standard. She quickly admitted that she wasn’t happy and the long distance was taking a toll on her anxiety. She felt like we needed to call things off now while things were still good between us, than wait for the moment it reaches its boiling point.

It all hit me the next day. The apartment felt even more empty than it did before, probably because it was permanent now and she wasn’t coming back at all. I reached out to a friend of mine and we met up for drinks to which she showed me a message she received from my ex saying: “hey can you please check up on him this week”. I feel like I had no control over what happened and COVID just threw a very unexpected wrench into my relationship.

What happened? And what can I do about this?

Pandemic Paranoia

DEAR PANDEMIC PARANOIA: The short version PP is yes: COVID-19 blew up your relationship.

Sort of.

The problem is that life threw the both of you a curveball because of the pandemic. You both went through a number of fairly significant life-events, which have a tendency to stress-test relationships, especially relatively new ones. First is, well, the fact that we’re living through the worst pandemic in a hundred years. That alone is causing people an incredible amount of stress and mental anguish. Even though it may not feel like it, the constant awareness that we’re living through a global crisis that’s killed more than 210,000 people in America alone has become the background radiation of our lives; it’s like a constant, low-grade hum that you can’t completely block out. Then there’s the fact that you both got furloughed from work. Getting let go, even when it’s theoretically temporary is a huge stressor. Not only does it mean that you have to deal the uncertainty of your financial situation, but for a lot of folks, it can be like a loss of identity. Men, in particular, tend to have adverse reactions to losing their job; it hits them square in the “man is supposed to be the provider” trope, leaving them feeling emasculated and helpless.

Then there’s the fact that you and your girlfriend transitioned to being in a long-distance relationship. Twice, even. The first time was when the quarantine came down and everyone who wasn’t living with their partner found themselves in a de facto long-distance relationship. The second time was when your girlfriend decided she needed to be with family and moved back to Kentucky. Long distance relationships can be incredibly hard on relationships under the best of circumstances. They’re even harder when the things that make LDRs tolerable — regular visits, knowing that there’s an end-point — are impossible. Your girlfriend moved away and, frankly, there wasn’t really any way for the two of you to reunite until either the pandemic eased up or you were both willing to run the risk of COVID exposure while traveling.

Neither of you were. That was the point where your relationship was functionally on a countdown timer until a break up that was, honestly, somewhat inevitable.

I mean, I hate to say this but… you all weren’t together for that long before COVID hit. Three-ish months is not a long time for a relationship; you’re still very much in the “getting to know you” stages, when you’re both on your best behavior and likely aren’t so much as farting in front of each other. That’s plenty of time for some serious sexual attraction and the rush of New Relationship Energy, but rarely enough time to forge the kind of emotional bonds that help a relationship last through so much upheaval. So — and I don’t mean to be cruel — I’m not entirely surprised that you were a lower priority; you simply weren’t together for long enough to really make that kind of connection.

That having been said: I do think it was s--tty of her to say “I just don’t feel safe traveling to see you” and then telling you that she was taking a family vacation to the Virgin Islands. That was unnecessarily mean on her part, and frankly it would’ve been kinder for her to end things without telling you that you were less important than a (frankly, in my opinion, irresponsible) family vacation. There was no need to tell you about that; she could’ve told you that she wasn’t able to do the long-distance thing and left it there without the implied insult.

At the end of the day, you’re right: this was out of your control. Unfortunately, life is like that; sometimes s--t happens, and the only thing you can do is roll with it. Many times the things that cause our relationships to end are out of everybody’s hands. There’s no good guy, there’s no bad guy, there’s just the vagaries of life. And while that sucks, there really isn’t anything to be done, nor was there anything you could have done to prevent this.

However, I do want to point out that she clearly does care about you. People who don’t care don’t, as a general rule, ask their friends to check in on their exes. That’s something I think you should hold onto. Your relationship didn’t end because of anything that you or she did wrong, nor did it end because one of you didn’t care enough. It’s simply that you were both reasonable people in an unreasonable situation.

Right now, I suggest you give yourself time to heal and recover from this. Take this time to practice some self-care and work on finding the things that will help you feel better. One of the things I strongly suggest is that you find ways to keep busy, especially with friends. One of the reasons why we feel so awful after a break up is because we’re in withdrawal; we’ve just lost our single biggest source of oxytocin and now we’re having to deal with the aftermath. Finding the things that help generate oxytocin — laughter, conversation, physical touch, even emotional satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment — goes a long, long way to helping ease that sense of loss.

I’m sorry you’re going through this PP, but just remember: this wasn’t your fault. This wasn’t something that you could’ve avoided if you’d done things differently. The simple truth is that you got dealt a s--tty hand this time around. It sucks now, but it won’t suck forever. Take care of yourself, and you’ll start to feel better faster than you realize.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thanks for all the work you do! I have a question I’ve been pondering for a while now, and it is how on earth I figure out what I want. Because I can’t. And I have been trying very, very hard.

Professionally I’m all set (in my very early 30s, got all the opportunities anyone could ever ask for), my family is amazing and supportive and drama free (mostly very far away, but that’s about the only complaint I have) and my friends are beyond awesome. My life is already as close to perfect as it gets in this world, and sometimes I wonder how on earth I could possibly get even more lucky and find the perfect relationship to top it all off. Because that would seem like having my cake and eating it. And I can’t help but suspect that nobody really gets to do that.

Thing is, I don’t even know if I want a relationship. I’m content and I have a lot of challenging things to work towards. I have all the emotional support I want, mostly thanks to your awesome writing on developing emotional intimacy with people that I have no interest in seeing romantically. Seriously, it’s like someone gave you a cheat code for life. So I see very little benefit in relationships.

Whenever I am seeing someone romantically, it takes about a month before I crave being on my own again because I get to do whatever I like, whenever it pleases me. This was a bit more pertinent before that thing everybody is talking about because I would travel a lot, privately and professionally. That’s off the cards for now, but the feeling is the same even when there are no real opportunities I am missing out on. Somehow, whenever I am dating someone, time to myself becomes incredibly valuable and time spent with them bores me. So I end things. And I hurt people doing that, which I hate. But staying with them would be terribly unfair to them because I’d be faking it.

Then I am relieved and single again and content. And then I start to wonder if maybe I am missing out on something and start dating again and so the cycle goes. But I never have the connections with people I date that I have with my friends, and so I leave. Again. And then I start to wonder. Again.

Hell, I even went to see a psychologist about this (among other things) and they said some stuff about avoidant attachment that sounded sort of true but also a bit generic, kind of like a horoscope.

Any advice?

Is What You Want What You Need?

DEAR IS WHAT YOU WANT WHAT YOU NEED?: What you have, IWYWWYN, is a classic case of “asking the wrong question”. What you have isn’t exactly a problem so much as that you’re coming at this from the wrong angle. So let’s adjust things a little bit and see if that doesn’t help.

Now to start with, you’re actually in a great position all around. One of the things I regularly people is that you don’t want a relationship that “completes” you. I see this all the time: someone who thinks that they need a relationship in order to be “complete” or to be fulfilled. They essentially see themselves as having this hole in their life marked “girlfriend” or “partner” and want to find someone — anyone — to fill it. But the problem with this approach is that they’re relying on someone else to fulfill their lives. Not only is this a huge amount of pressure to put on another person that can risk damaging the relationship, but it also ultimately outsources your happiness and well-being to another person. You’re no longer in control of your own life; you’re dependent on someone else to make you happy, and that’s an inherently unstable situation. Relationships end, partners leave or pass away, and suddenly you’ve got that massive hole in your life again.

You, on the other hand, are in the place that I tell people is ideal: live a great life full of things that satisfy you and bring you joy. Have strong and emotionally fulfilling relationships with friends and family, have things that feed your soul and give you reason to get up in the morning. When you look around and think “hey, this is pretty good! Having someone to share it with would be great too!”, then you’re in an excellent position to find a partner; you aren’t relying on them for your happiness or emotional needs AND you have a great life to share with someone. That means you’re coming to any relationship from a position of collaboration — “here’s what I bring to the table, here’s what you bring to the table, let’s put them together and see what happens”. And as an added bonus, it helps bolster an abundance mentality when it comes to dating. Because you aren’t coming to a date or potential relationship from a position of neediness or desperation, you’re better able to weigh issues like compatibility and interest. If someone’s not right for you… well, it’s a damn shame, but hey, that just means that this single person isn’t right for you, and now you’re free to find someone who is. And there’re millions of folks out there who are your potential match.

I think the problem you’re having is that you’re dating people who aren’t necessarily right for you. One of the things people often get wrong about relationships is that they think that being in a relationship with someone means that you need to be joined at the hip. That you need to spend as much time with them as you possibly can. That’s simply not true. While that style of relationship and connection works for some people, that doesn’t work for everyone, nor should it. Some people are dogs, who need their pack. Some folks are cats; they want their clowder, but they don’t necessarily need them all the time. They like getting together when it suits them and doing their own thing when it suits them.

(Yes, I realize that there are very clingy, cuddly and sociable cats. I have one. Roll with the metaphor here)

You seem like somebody who values their alone time. That’s valid. It just means you want to date someone who understands that and — preferably — likes their alone time too. And trust me: those folks exist. In fact, they tend to have the same struggles you do: finding someone who doesn’t want to be up on them 24/7/52.

The issue is that is sounds like either you’re not dating those people, or you’re not establishing that you like having your solo time as well as being in a relationship. Now you don’t mention this in your letter, so I can’t tell if it’s that you’re dating people who aren’t compatible with you or if you feel that you’re supposed to spend more time with them than you would prefer. But either way, it comes down to that you’ve had relationships that don’t work because you aren’t making that a priority for you — something that should ideally come up when you and your partner have the Defining The Relationship talk.

The other issue you bring up is about how you don’t have the connections with the people you date that equal what you have with your friends. This, I suspect, is a matter of time, rather than anything inherent to romantic relationships. From the sounds of it, you’re only seeing people for about a month or so at a time before you get twitchy and decide you need your space. That’s not really enough time to build a strong and lasting emotional connection, especially compared to the one you have with friends you’ve known for years. And considering that you seem to be dating people you’re not a good match with, I can see why you might not be motivated to work on building that connection.

Now it’s certainly possible that you fall somewhere on the asexual/aromantic spectrum and so the idea of a relationship is more interesting to you than the reality. But honestly, it sounds a little more like “wrong person, wrong relationship” to me.

So my first suggestion is that you prioritize finding a person whose relationship style matches yours — someone who like the companionship and romance of a relationship, but also likes their own space and own time. If you’re using dating apps, then I’d suggest making that clear in your profile. It’s much easier to start off with someone who’s on the same page than it is to pivot to this when you have the DTR conversation… especially if they went into this expecting something different.

One thing that might help — assuming that monogamy isn’t something you absolutely need in the long term — is to look for people who want a  casual relationship, rather than something serious or a friends-with-benefits arrangement. One of the things that can often trip people up is the label, rather than the relationship itself. Many couples have found that they have a great relationship… as long as they don’t call each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”.  “Relationship”, “boyfriend”  and “girlfriend” all come with cultural baggage and assumptions built into them that can trip people up. However, when you remove the label — and attendant expectations — then suddenly the issues people have often clear up. If you and a potential partner have a casual relationship or an FWB relationship, it may make it easier to have that time apart you need without feeling like you’re being tied down.

In these cases, just remember that it took time to build the sort of emotional intimacy you have with your friends; you’re going to need time and effort to build that with the people you date.

Another possibility — if you want to explore it, that is — is to simply embrace the short-term relationship. Relationships don’t need to end with somebody dying in the saddle in order to be successful. Relationships that only last a few months are just as real and valid as ones that span decades. While this means that you’re less likely to build the kind of emotional connection you have with your platonic friends, it’s a relationship style that may be more fitting for your needs. Just make sure that, if you go this route, that the people you date know this is what to expect; letting people believe that this relationship has long-term potential when it doesn’t is not cool.

Or it could well be that you’re just not that into dating and romance. And hey, if that’s the case, then more power to you. If it ain’t broke, then there’s nothing that needs “fixing”. If you think that’s you, then it might be worth checking out some of the FAQs and forums at asexuality.org; they can help give you the vocabulary and resources that might help clarify things for you in the future. Plus, if you decide that maybe you would like to give this “dating” thing another shot, there’s nothing saying that you can’t. Just keep those guidelines I mentioned in mind.

Like I said, IWYWWYN, you’re in a good place over all and especially when it comes to dating. All you really need is a perspective shift, and I think things will shake out for you, one way or another.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com