DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 24 and male, mostly interested in women, and I feel like I’m in a weird place because I’m having trouble finding a committed partner. I feel like I’m a bit behind, and I’m not sure where to go from here.

I have a degree, I’m working towards my dream career, in my dream city, I have many friends, skills, and hobbies, and on the whole, the only thing that seems missing is a loving, committed partner.

I seek it out, and I do find connection, good connection even, and yet after a few dates, it always seems to end. They’re too busy, or they aren’t feeling it, or I’m not feeling it, and I’m back to square one in a month or less.

I feel almost “behind” in this respect, as I have old friends from college with years-long relationships, and others who are more committed and stable in this area of life than I am, and it feels like I’m doing something wrong. I do research connection-building quite a bit, but it hasn’t quite gotten me where I want to be yet.

Some would say I’ve not yet found the “right person,” but it really feels like I have, but it’s been the wrong time, or it’s my fault for not presenting myself “right.” I was also kind of an awkward nerd as a kid and into college. I didn’t have my first girlfriend until I was 22, and that lasted only two months, my longest relationship to date, and I was a virgin until 23, and I’ve never had sex with a partner, only a few casual encounters here and there. This makes me feel worse, because I feel like I’m not getting anywhere in building romantic relationships with others, and that frustrates me.

I guess my questions here are along the lines of “how do I do better?” How do I get myself in a place where I find partners trying to build something like I am? I try to date when I can, and seek out people I can talk to, and enjoy getting to know, but it seems like I’m still not quite getting it right…

-Too Old for this S--t

DEAR TOO OLD FOR THIS S--t : One of the most perversely fascinating aspects of my job is how arbitrary some things can be. One of the most obvious examples is the idea that there’s an age where you “should” have had a partner or a relationship already… and past that point, you’re simply going to be locked out. Because women — and, let’s be real here, I mostly see this from straight dudes — can tell that a guy missed the window. Somehow. What’s fascinating is that tripwire is always, always that person’s age minus one to five years. I have seen people who’ve convinced themselves that the fact that they didn’t have a girlfriend by fifteen meant that they’d missed their window.

The thing is: there’s no such thing as “too late”. The vast majority of women out there aren’t demanding your dating resume; they’re not gonna ask you to explain this large gap in relationships or why you’ve had so few. What women care about is finding a guy they like, who they connect with and who makes them happy; the number of partners he may or may not have had before her is ultimately meaningless.

By that same token, I see plenty of people who worry that they’re “falling behind” somehow… such as in your case, TOFTS. They look at other people — friends, family members, total strangers — and think that those people are somehow a marker of where they should be. Which is, honestly, the dumbest possible yardstick I can imagine. It’s one thing to say that you would prefer to have had X experience by now or that you wish you’d done Y already; that’s understandable. Those are feelings, desires, things that are personal but not definitional. However, when you start using words like “should”, or comparing yourself to other people, all you’re doing is introducing unnecessary misery into your life.

Here is a truth: using other people as your measurement of where you “should” be or what you’re “supposed” to be is a recipe for heartache. The problem with looking at anyone else and assuming that they are the exact model you should be following is that, frankly, you’re not them. They have an entirely different life than you; they’ve had different experiences, grew up with different parents, had different friends and had completely different challenges and opportunities than you did. The only way that you could legitimately say that you were “falling behind” would be if you were living their exact same life, at the same time and getting different results. But you you didn’t. You’re living your own life, separate, independant and unique from everyone else. You can’t measure your life by anyone else’s, only your own.

Here is another truth: the fact that other people have had long-term relationships — for suitably variable definitions of “long term” — doesn’t make them better or more advanced than you. It just means they have a relationship. Having a relationship isn’t a marker of maturity or progress or what-have-you; all you have to do is look at some of the drama bombs that are high-school relationships for proof.

Here is a third truth: there’s nothing wrong with having had your first relationship in your 20s, or losing your virginity at 23 — even if it was a casual encounter, rather than a committed relationship. These are just data points, not measurements of your worth or progress. They have no inherent meaning except what you give them. And the problem is that you’ve not only given them meaning, but you use that meaning like a scourge to whip yourself with. That’s going to actually make things harder, because you create a mindset that says “you should’ve been able to do this by now. You’re awful, you’re a loser, and now you have to make up for lost time.”

And that mindset is leading to the problems you’re having.

To start with, it sounds like part of the problem is that you seem to expect that each date you go on is going to lead to a relationship and, honestly, they aren’t. Dating is, to a certain extent, a number’s game. The early days of dating aren’t the start of a relationship, they’re about getting to know someone, seeing whether the two of you are right for one another and if there’s mutual interest and chemistry. A lot of times, there won’t be. Not because you did anything wrong or because you’re “defective”, just because you two didn’t mesh up the way you needed in order to work. As a wise man once said: you can commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s not weakness; that’s life.

But if you’re going into each date expecting this to be the last date you ever go on… well, that’s also going to be setting you up for heartbreak. You’re giving yourself unreasonable expectations, which makes disappointment almost inevitable. And if you’re expecting to go from “going on dates” to “a relationship” within a handful of dates… well, that’s going to throw people off. If that’s the vibe you’re giving, then it comes off as needy and desperate; that’s going to turn people off. And if it doesn’t… well, those are people you should run from so fast that you leave a human-shaped cloud behind you.

Worse, it sounds like you’re coming at this from a position of trying to fill a hole marked “girlfriend”, rather than coming to each person and wanting to get to know them. That too tends to put people off. It tells people that you’re less interested in them so much as what they represent, and that’s not a comfortable feeling.

Here’s what you need to do. First and foremost: you need to forgive yourself. You haven’t actually done anything wrong, but you seem to feel like you’ve f--k ed up somehow. So, ok, fine; forgive yourself for it. Forgive yourself for not living up to some bulls--t ideal. Forgive yourself for not being someone else. Grant yourself absolution for not meeting those arbitrary standards and then let them go. You now have a clean slate; you’re starting fresh and clean, to craft your life as you choose.

Next: stop going into dates looking for a relationship. Let go of the idea of relationships or trying to find one. Instead, you are going to treat each date as an opportunity to get to know somebody. Who are they, what makes them tick? What drives them, what do they live for, what do they value. And — more importantly — what makes them worth your time? What do they have going for them that makes them worth your interest? Why should you want to be with them? The fact that they’re attractive isn’t enough. The fact that they’re there is definitely not enough. You need to come to this from the position that you are the decider, that you are the catch and that they need to be deserving of you. Now this doesn’t mean that you look down on the people you date like a Roman emperor; you want them to be worth your time. You want them to be deserving of you. But your time is valuable and your heart is too precious to give to just anyone. So you will get to know people, go out with them on dates and see where things go.

Maybe they won’t be right for you as a romantic partner, but they could be good friends. Excellent! That’s a wonderful thing to discover. Others may be a great match as a sex-partner, but not compatible for a committed relationship. Again: excellent! Sex is awesome, and if that’s what you both want then hey, have a blast. But someone who’s worth having a relationship with will not be common; you don’t want to give your time or affection carelessly. So you give people a chance, but you keep your head and wait for someone who is right. You may find them quickly; you may not. That’s fine. While it may take you a little longer than you’d prefer, that’s OK because when you meet someone who is right for you, then it’s worth it.

The relationship isn’t the goal. The right person is. So focus on getting to know people and just enjoying yourself. When you meet someone who is right for you, then you’ll be ready. Not because they’re the person who said yes, but because they’re them, specifically.

Adopt this mindset, and you’ll not only have a better time, but you’ll meet a better quality of potential partner.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a little over 4 years now. Our relationship is one of those relationships where everyone considers our relationship the “perfect relationship”. My girlfriend and I fought pretty often about 2 years ago and we stopped, communicated, and decided that neither of us would like to leave our relationship because we were so in love.

Suddenly, we have began to argue again and honestly I didn’t even notice with my busy schedule and hectic life. Two nights ago, I noticed that she was acting very weird so I asked her what’s wrong and she told me that she noticed that we’re fighting again. I love her very deeply and I do not want to lose her. She told me that she loves me so much but she promised herself all of her life that she will not stay in a relationship that she is too comfortable with, and she wants to be genuinely happy. I feel that I have not been showing her the proper attention that she deserves and this is because I have been almost depressed lately because I lost my job and college overwhelms me.

When we were talking two nights ago she said that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay in this relationship because she was afraid that we would be wasting our time and only hurt ourselves more if we ever broke up because we tried once before to fix our relationship and here we are arguing again. We ended up agreeing to working on our relationship once more - mainly because I convinced her to try again.

What should we do?

Confused College Lesbian

DEAR CONFUSED COLLEGE LESBIAN: I hate to say it, CCL, but I suspect that you’re going to be having this conversation again in the near future.

A fact of the matter is: no matter how good your relationship is, you’re going to fight. Put two or more people together in a relationship and conflict will inevitably arise. It’s part and parcel of being individuals with their own wants, needs and concerns. Those will inevitably bump up against the other’s wants and needs and concerns and then boom: conflict. Never fighting doesn’t mean that your relationship is healthy; it’s entirely possible for a couple in a toxic relationship to never fight because one person rides roughshod over the other or someone has just learned to swallow their problems because their partner will just never address it.

It’s in how you fight that defines whether or not a relationship is in trouble. If your fights end with good-faith attempts to resolve the problem? That’s generally a good sign… as long as things actually get fixed, anyway. But if it just becomes a question of who is Less To Blame? That ain’t good.

Now, it’s possible that your relationship has come to its natural end. If you’re having the same fights over and over again, no matter how many times you’ve tried to resolve things then it may be that you’ve hit the point where you just aren’t right for each other any more. Which sucks, but it does happen; couples do sometimes outgrow their relationships and nobody is truly at fault. It sucks, but it does happen. It doesn’t mean that your relationship failed; it just means that your relationship has come to its organic conclusion.

But it’s the little things you bring up that make me suspect that the real problem is that your girlfriend wants out. Bringing up how she doesn’t want to stay in a relationship where she’s too comfortable, worrying that if you don’t break up now, it’ll hurt worse in the future… those are usually hallmarks of someone trying to find causus beli to justify a break-up. Some people feel like they need a “good enough” reason to end things and go looking for something that they can point to that says “this is why I had to end it.” And as much as I hate to say it, it kind of sounds like something your girlfriend is doing.

As painful as it may be, if and when she brings up the topic again, it may be time to call the question. You may just need to say “Do you want to break up?” and see where things go from there.

I hope I’m wrong, CCL. Hopefully things’ll smooth out as you get past the turbulence in your personal life and feel less overwhelmed by college.

But it may be something to bring up if your girlfriend brings this up again.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am trying to find inner confidence that breaking up with my near 3 year relationship with my demisexual girlfriend. We have no sex life what so ever; maybe a bit of touching here and there but nothing major. I feel no commitment from her towards my family, and she has a view that we are going to be married in 4 years or less because that is when we finish college. I have lost many friends over her and lost my family’s trust more than once. I have committed to her and her family time and care and it feels like I can’t move forward with her. I have to call her all the time I can and if I do something wrong she will indirectly make me say sorry or feel bad. Any advice for me?

Time To Pull The Trigger?

DEAR TIME TO PULL THE TRIGGER: Occasionally I’ll get letters from folks who aren’t looking for advice; what they’re ACTUALLY looking for is permission to do what they’ve already decided. Sometimes it’s easier to ask a stranger to validate the choices you’ve already made than to just rip off that band-aid yourself.

Sounds to me like you know what needs to be done, TTPTT. All that’s left is just to do it. You sound pretty miserable and your relationship itself sounds like it’s gone toxic.

So the best thing you can do is do it quickly and cleanly. Just be firm: you’re breaking up with her, this relationship isn’t right for you and you don’t want to be in it any more. You don’t need to justify things or give any “reason” that’s “good enough” for a break-up. Wanting it to be over is the only reason you need. Phrasing it as anything other that “it’s over, I’m out” just means that it’s no longer a break-up, it’s the starting point of a negotiation. One that, unfortunately, won’t work out great for you.

So remember: It’s over, you’re not happy and you want out, goodbye, I wish you the best.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hi,

I’m gonna keep my name private but I truly hope that you are having a great day and I hope your writing has brought fulfilment to your life as well as in the lives of your readers. With that said I wanted to ask you a question, I essentially want to know if you’re serious or if your take on women is just for clicks because it runs so contrary to everything I’ve seen.

To me it seems pretty obvious that the “toxic masculinity” you think is evil is 100% (and yes I do mean 100%) perpetuated women who you seem to love bending the knee for. I found the red pill about a year ago and I wasn’t shocked at all that guys are getting together and confirming these things about women because I already knew all of it was true. I get a decent amount of attention from women, I have the 6 6’s women want minus that sweet 6 figure income as I’m still young, I’m no PUG as it were but I do pretty well.

I’ve pretty much decided from what I’ve seen that modern women are not fit for relationships. They don’t know how to even handle the fact that men are not made of stone yet they constantly neg men to open up only to lose attraction, they’ve become walking contradictions, they have little to no temperance and they sure as f--k can’t pairbond or display loyalty. As much as it disappoints me to say it, they are pretty much only good for sex because all they do in relationships is try to jam you into a box to fit their delusions. As much as I want to, I can’t override my biological need for sex and female companionship. I think if toxic masculinity exists, it exists because women punish men who don’t fit into that box and men are such simps they bend themselves over backwards to be what women want. I can’t keep doing this. I used to have self esteem, I used to think hey I’m outgoing, I’m charming, I’m tall, good looking, personable, got my degree, I can get women when I need to. But dealing with women in relationships, being charming or socially confident means nothing because there are guys who are better, being 6’1 means nothing because there are guys who are taller, being a former competitive soccer player who has abs and is in shape means nothing because there’s some a--hole who’s more ripped or has harder abs. Having a 7 inch dick doesn’t mean anything because there’s a bigger one their somewhere, having a decent job prospects doesn’t mean anything because there’s a guy somewhere who makes more.

Bottom line it’s never good enough and I’m sick of it, god knows how shorter, balding, introverted guys feel about women. I want to go back to liking myself, I want my self esteem and my masculinity back. Usually as soon as I start thinking this way I meet some girl who will convince me she’s different only to realize she’s not because all women are like that. Do you have any advice on how to override this biological weakness? I feel like I can accomplish so much with my life but I can’t continue to let women get in the way. The Manosphere doesn’t seem to have any real advice on this issue as far I can find. It mostly seems like losers who can’t get laid with a few men who have extensive experience with women and won’t give it up sprinkled in. So I figured I’d ask a beta, male feminist, however you wanna brand yourself idk, instead.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Looking In The Mirror

P.S Fight Club is the greatest movie of all time (110% serious) but the matrix trilogy is kind of overrated and Joker was ruined by joaquin phoenix’s complete lack of personality or charisma.

DEAR LOOKING IN THE MIRROR: Well, I’ll give you this much LITM: you introduced me to a new concept I hadn’t heard yet. I actually had to look up “The 6 6’s” on Google. To spare everyone else the trouble, yes, it’s exactly as obvious as you think:

Six feet tall

Six inch penis (or more)

Six figure salary

Six hundred horsepower car

Six pack abs

Six months out of a previous relationship

Now, there’s a whole lot to unpack here — starting with the fact that 6′ tall dudes are around than 10% of the world’s population and if you needed that to get laid, the human race would’ve died out a long, long time ago — but let’s just throw the whole suitcase away.

The bigger issue here is that, honestly, you’re really close to getting to the root of your problem, but you keep swerving at the last minute. Like, so close:

“The Manosphere doesn’t seem to have any real advice on this issue as far I can find. It mostly seems like losers who can’t get laid with a few men who have extensive experience with women and won’t give it up sprinkled in.”

As the saying goes: before you diagnose yourself with depression, make sure you aren’t surrounded by a--holes. The reason why you’re miserable isn’t because women aren’t punishing men who don’t fit into a box, it’s because you’re taking advice from dudes who:

a) have no idea what women actually want 

b) have convinced themselves that manipulation, head games and outright emotional abuse are the ways of keeping a relationship

c) tell other men to live up to literally impossible standards in order to get what they want and that they’ll never be enough.

d) also tell other men that things like “emotional openness”, “vulnerability”, or “compassion” are weaknesses that make them beta p--sy cucks.

Your story is one I can recite by heart, man. You struggled meeting women, you had a hard time connecting with folks and probably got your heart broken a couple of times. You — like Mr. Oblivious above — took someone breaking up with you as a personal insult; something that was  done to you maliciously because f--k you, penis, THAT’S WHY. And, like so many other folks, you went to dodgy corners of the Internet and found other people complaining about similar experiences. You found it compelling because they were — in your own words — “confirming these things about women because I already knew all of it was true.”

This is, quite literally, the definition of confirmation bias: “the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one’s prior beliefs or values.” You didn’t find a group of free-thinkers trading in forbidden knowledge, who woke you up to how the world “really is”, you found a bunch of angry dudes who were ready to blame women for the fact they weren’t getting the rewards they were promised for being “real men”. It’s an echo chamber full of folks who were ready to feed you what you already believed and you never stopped to examine it for longer than a half second because hey, you already believed it.

And since then, you’ve been desperately trying to fit the world into this worldview and the pain you’re experiencing is that it won’t conform to what you believe. 

But look, you’re here, you’re asking for help and I’m going to help you. And I am going to be 100% sincere here. I’m not going to dunk on you or mock you; I want help you stop hurting. I am, however, going to be blunt, and if you want the pain you’re feeling to stop, then you’re gonna have to let go of your defensiveness and — in the words of Morpheus — free your mind.

Now if you want to get better, let’s start with an obvious question. Leave aside the whole “6 6’s” thing for a moment and ask yourself this: why should any woman want to date someone who very clearly doesn’t like them? I mean, even if we allow for all of it being true (it’s not) and you’re this swaggering six pack with a muscle car and a porn-star wang… why would a woman want to date someone who holds her entire gender in contempt? What is going to entice a woman to want to spend any amount of time with someone who says “[women] are pretty much only good for sex”? What incentive would they have to date someone who insists “they have little to no temperance and they sure as f--k can’t pairbond or display loyalty”?

If you want to understand why women don’t want to date you… that’s a pretty good place to start. No woman out there is interested in spending time with someone who doesn’t like them, doesn’t respect them and can’t be bothered to actually treat them like people. And before you respond with “well they don’t deserve my respect”, you may want to start with the fact that you’re starting from a place of contempt. You’re setting the entire tone by coming to this from a place where you believe that they should “earn” respect from you without giving them a single reason for wanting your respect in the first place. You say that they don’t display loyalty, but why should they be loyal to you? What have you done to earn it? You say they can’t pairbond, but the issue isn’t can’t, it’s won’t because why in pluperfect f--kery should they want to bond with someone who feels this way.

(And let’s be real man: you ain’t hiding this attitude from anyone.)

Our second question is just as simple and just as obvious: If you have those 6’s, why should women want to date you? I mean, ignoring the whole question of “so, exactly how are you trying to tell women about the salary and your penis”, why should women want to date you, specifically, instead of some other dude who’s got the same stats? What is it about you that makes you special and desirable if there’s other dudes out there who’re just as tall and just as ripped and just as wealthy? Because, I hate to break it to you, man, but none of that is that special or interesting. As the saying goes: “c--k is abundant and of low value”. What do you bring to the table that would make women want to date you over someone else? Because if it’s just about the numbers, then you’re s--t out of luck man; there’s no reason why any woman shouldn’t just hold out for something better.

(And that’s without getting into the question of all of those shorter, balder dudes who don’t make six figures who, oddly enough, still date, have sex, get married and have kids. And for all that you can claim that their wives and girlfriends are cheating on the side, you’re gonna have to give some actual evidence. And fair warning, that’s going to be a pretty high bare to clear. It’s gonna require more than forum posts or a link to a study where you couldn’t be bothered to even read the entire abstract, never mind the actual procedures and conclusions.)

The next question: you say men aren’t made of stone, but women lose attraction when they open up. OK, cool. So, let’s have a hypothetical here: what would happen if you admitted to being scared and lost and terrified to your Red Pill bros? Not frustrated or angry or resentful but terrified, knowing that you can’t last another day. If you were to break down crying in front of your Red Pill bros, what, precisely, do you think would happen? And I don’t mean a single man tear, but straight up sobbing because it’s all been too much. Would they hug you, let you know that you’re not alone and that it’s all going to be ok? Would they comfort you and then, when the tears dried, help you get access to the resources you needed? Or would they call you a pussy, tell you to man up, find your balls and quit being such a little bitch?  If the woman of your dreams broke your heart, would they commiserate with you, support you as you felt the f--k out of your feelings and helped you put the pieces of your life back together? Or would they tell you to forget that bitch and go f--k ten other girls to get over her? Or, for that matter, would they tell you that this happened because some other dude, with better abs and more money was probably giving her the champion f--king you never could?

For that matter, when, precisely, is the last time you’ve been that genuinely open and vulnerable with any of them? Or are women the only people you ever let yourself open up to?

I ask because one of the biggest reasons why men buy into the idea that women lose attraction when they open up isn’t because they don’t like emotional men. It’s because men are taught to be so distanced from their feelings, to force everything down, that they have no healthy emotional outlets. The problem isn’t that women don’t like emotional men, it’s that men tend to repress everything until they vomit all their feelings all at once… and usually on someone they’re dating. The problem isn’t the emotions or opening up, it’s the fact that they dump it all out at once and expect the women in their lives to act as both mother and therapist. And while some women may do the “I can heal this broken bird” thing, they will almost always do it once, because women have their own lives to live. They don’t have the time, inclination or energy to nurse someone else into emotional maturity. Especially someone who made it clear that he doesn’t like or trust them.

Speaking of trust though, that leads to our next question: could you trust your Red Pill bros? Not with your life but, say, with your deepest, darkest secrets? Could you could you tell them something deeply personal — maybe humiliating, maybe something you regret or something you’re afraid of — and expect them to not only keep it secret but not to use it against you in some way? For that matter, could you trust any woman you date with your Red Pill bros? Could you, in good conscience, let her hang out with any of the guys you’ve learned from? Would you trust them not to make a move on your girlfriend… or worse? And if one of them did do something, could you trust any of them to have your back? Or would it be a case that you should’ve known better and if someone else could pull her, then clearly you weren’t enough for her?

I mean, just between you, me and everyone who reads this column: we all know the answer is “no”. Because the truth is that the system you’ve bought into tells you that you can’t relax. You can’t ever let your guard down, because someone else is going to take advantage. After all, one of the surest ways to prove your masculine credentials is to dominate someone else and take theirs.

Since there’s always a bigger fish — or I guess, a bigger dick or bigger abs or someone with more money — you can’t ever be secure in your relationship. You have to constantly be on the look out for potential threats — other guys who’re waiting for you to show weakness or an opportunity to slide into your girl’s pants.

There’s actually a term for this: hyper-vigilance. And, as it turns out, putting yourself in situations where you believe that you’re constantly stressed, unable to relax and you can’t trust anyone and you can’t measure up for long periods of time can f--k your head. Like, say, if you can’t trust women because they’re always going to leave you but you can’t trust men because they’re always looking for an opportunity to cuck you.

Last question: who’s told you that you’re not enough? Who’s actually told you that you don’t measure up? And I don’t mean “by implication”, I mean actually said this to you, in those words. Because I can guarantee you: it wasn’t the women you were dating. Free hint: it was your Red Pill bros, man. The calls are calling from inside the house.

But hey, let’s put this into something you might understand a little more. I’m entirely unsurprised you’re a Fight Club fan. I mean, no shade, so I’m I; you can’t swing a stick without hitting a Fight Club reference around here.

But like a lot of folks, you missed… pretty much the whole point of Fight Club. The most obvious is the fact that Tyler Durden doesn’t actually exist and nobody actually sees him. We see Tyler, because movie, but nobody else can. When Marla is all hot and bothered and turned on and getting f--ked like a champion, she’s not getting it from Brad Pitt in all his carved-from-abs glory, she’s getting it from Ed Norton, as schlubby as you can imagine. Just as importantly, there’s the fact that Tyler is explicitly what the Narrator thinks he’s supposed to be. This ain’t subtext; it’s text. “All the ways you wish you could be, that’s me. I look like you wanna look, I f--k like you wanna f--k, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” Except Tyler doesn’t actually make things better for the Narrator; trying to be Tyler is what makes everything worse — to the point that the Narrator tries to blow his head off instead.

You know the first — and last — time that the Narrator is actually happy? When he’s in group therapy. When he cries. It may be under false pretenses, and it’s an incredibly unhealthy way of getting his needs met, but when he’s able to open up, be emotional and just let everything out? It’s the best he’s ever felt. Again, this is literally the text of the movie: “even babies don’t sleep this well.” But once Tyler is an active force in the Narrator’s life, he doesn’t sleep well ever again; he spends the rest of the story in a state of constant sleep deprivation, suffering from the same insomnia he’d been dealing with at the start. It’s why he starts having black-outs and why Tyler is able to implement so much of his plans without the Narrator’s knowledge.

Tyler — and Fight Club — are manifestly making his life worse.

And just as importantly is the fact that Tyler’s message is “ok, you haven’t been given the rewards you were promised for being men. The answer is to step away from society’s demands to be men by… doing all the things society says men are supposed to do and be all the things that men are supposed to be.” Literally everything that Fight Club — and Project Chaos — embodies is what Tyler says is the problem. It’s all about giving up your identity to what someone else say you should be in order to get nebulous rewards that aren’t coming anyway.

So, dude. You’re hurting. I get that. You’re miserable. I empathize. You want to feel like you’re enough, to have your self-esteem back and feel good for once.  I totally get that.

It’s incredibly simple. You even stumbled across it yourself: “The Manosphere doesn’t seem to have any real advice on this issue as far I can find. It mostly seems like losers who can’t get laid with a few men who have extensive experience with women and won’t give it up sprinkled in.”

You’ve surrounded by people who’ve been telling you, over and over again, that you’re not enough. That you can’t trust anyone, that women will never love you and that you can’t trust men. You will never measure up because there will always be someone “better”. That is the entire problem.

Step away from the Red Pill community. Delete the bookmarks, close your accounts, forget your logins. Spend… let’s say, six weeks doing a digital detox. You don’t need to read bell hooks or Susie Bright or anything, just spend six weeks away from any and all Red-Pill and adjacent communities. Reconnect with friends outside the community, spend some time taking walks out in nature, even just read a book or two for pleasure. Don’t worry about dating, women or any of the rest.

You will be astounded at how much better you feel.

And from there… well, the next step would probably talking to a counselor, because you’re in a lot of pain and that’s not gonna go away on its own.

But before you can stop hurting, you’re gonna have to spit out the Red Pill. Because, I hate to tell you this: that pain you feel isn’t premature enlightenment. It’s just poison. And it’s been eating you up from the inside.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com