DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need some help on this subject, as its been tormenting me for years upon years and I cant get out of it. Why does desperation turn away women from men? It doesn’t make sense, especially evolutionary speaking. We are biologically programmed to want sex, so if someone doesn’t get it for a long time, that means they want it more right?
It frustrates me to no end hearing people I know complain they haven’t had sex for a week and say “OMG I’m so horny and desperate,” yada yada yet they go and get laid easily. I’ve been in a f
king rut for over 5 years and i don’t get what the hell is wrong. I have lots of friends, a good job, I have interesting hobbies, and people tell me I’m well socially calibrated, so theres no reason I shouldn’t be having so much trouble getting laid. What I am desperate for now is relief in just having this issue understood, so I can get over it and get on with my life.
I don’t even need a relationship or to be dependent on someone.
I don’t want to objectify women, I don’t want to go down the PUA route, I certainly don’t want to identify with the Incel label because that will get me into deeper s
t and, I really don’t want to end up bitter and hating for women. It doesn’t make sense.
Please help, Doc. Thanks,
DEAR DRY SPELL: Here’s the problem, my dude: desperation is an ugly and unpleasant emotion and it broadcasts negative things about you. It affects your behavior, the way you talk to people, the way you interact with them, even things as minor as the way you sit and stand. I mean, just in this letter, I can see the anger and bitterness you’re feeling right now and even that is going to affect how people interpret your behavior.
Now don’t get me wrong: it’s totally understandable that you’re feeling frustrated, even angry. But it’s holding onto that anger and the resentment that you’re displaying towards people who don’t have your dilemma that’s the problem… not the lack of sex.
Like I’ve said many a time before: if the problem is just getting laid, then there’s any number of ways to solve that issue. There are sex-workers out there who’ll be happy to help resolve the tension. It’s a little more complicated because hey, we’re in a global pandemic and sex tends to involve a LOT of the behaviors that increase the risk of spreading COVID — face-to-face contact, heavy breathing, etc. — but there ARE folks out there who are facilitating sex and sexual contact while following the safe-sex guidelines put out by the New York City Department of Health and the British Columbia Centre For Disease Control. In fact, the blog The Beautiful Kind has an excellent post about safe-sex during COVID that’s well-worth reading at https://nrdlv.co/3h4j7oP
Alternately If you don’t want to pay, period, then you could always go hitting up Tinder and OKCupid and Hinge and find a woman who may well decide that getting to know someone and risking a little socially less-distanced activity would be exactly what she needs.
But, as with many other people who complain about their dry spell or the lack of sexual activity, I suspect that the problem is less the physical act and more the things that surround getting laid – the feeling of being desired by another person, the intimacy of it, even the validation of of sleeping with a beautiful woman. These tend to be the real issues around a lengthy dry-spell. And that gives us the places where you need to start.
In your case, you need to find ways to let go of your anger and frustration. Yes, I realize it’s easy for me to say that but trust me when I say I’ve been where you are and it ain’t pretty. That frustration is going to be your number one issue that’s going to get in the way of getting laid. Even if you think you’re able to mask it long enough to message someone on OKCupid or Tinder, it’s going to lead to your tripping over your own dick. You’ll push to go too far, too fast or just give of that nebulous “something’s not right here” vibe and end up in a self-reinforcing spiral.
So what do you do? Well to start with, you need to change your attitude. It feels like woo-woo feel good bulls
t, but science backs it up: people with more positive attitudes are more popular, more well liked and do better in general. They’re more emotionally resilient, which means that their failures don’t destroy them. They’re on the look out for opportunities, so they’re in a better position to take advantage of them and maximize their chances. It’s not easy; positivity is a habit and you have to consciously work to change your outlook. One of the first ways you can start making that change is to start practicing gratefulness for the things you do have instead of lamenting what you don’t have. It helps change the context of “I’m awful because I don’t have X” to “I’m glad that I have all these wonderful things,”
Trust me: even that little shift can make a major difference.
Once you start getting a handle on your outlook, read this article about isolating and dealing with your sticking points: https://nrdlv.co/2PWakt8. That will help you zero in on the other areas where you’re having problems.
And while you’re at it, get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga or other similar sex-toy. I’m being utterly serious here. It’s a completely different experience than just old-fashioned dates with Rosie Palms. It’s not a substitute for sex with another person, but it’ll definitely help dial back that nagging “MUST GET LAID AT ALL COSTS” you’re feeling as you work at your self-improvement. And it may also teach you a little about what you actually need, sexually, from a partner and how you can communicate those needs once you find someone who’s equally down to clown as you.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org