DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I can’t seem to land on an answer to the question of what’s important, compatibility or chemistry? Logically I know that compatibility is more important to long-term relationship success but is ‘chemistry’ as an idea better left to movies and novels?

I think the reason I’m having so much trouble with this idea is that I grew up as an only child in a household where neither of my parents were particularly affectionate to each other, arguments between them were fairly common and I can’t say I ever really saw any chemistry there. Sometimes they didn’t seem compatible either. I guess I’m happy that they’re still together, even if I can’t shake the feeling that they might be happier apart, but it’s not really for me to say. I just wish I had a better example of what a relationship should look like, so that I could navigate my own easier.

I’m 29 now, and my 20s have been a rollercoaster for relationships. I had one “long term” relationship in my life at 19 that lasted 9 months, was pretty dysfunctional and ended really badly for us both. Afterwards I became really cynical, and my behaviour leaned towards PUA and misogyny, eventually I realised what was happening and that I needed to work heavily on myself and get to therapy.

Now I’ve been single for about 10 years, and honestly I feel pretty good about myself. I’ve grown a self-confidence and self-assuredness that in my early 20s I was really compensating for a lack of. I know what I want for myself as an individual and actively work towards that daily. In the past 5 years, I tried dating again, but the last 4 women I’ve dated (Each for a couple of months) just did not reciprocate in full the intense feelings I had for them and ended things. I also blitzed past some red flags that in hindsight, really should have spelled things out for me.

These intense feelings are what I’ve been categorising as ‘chemistry’ for my entire life, but I cannot name one time where these feelings actually did me any favours in developing a healthy long-term relationship. It always feels more like a drug trip that causes me to act clumsily and out of character and come across as clingy and ultimately cause the breakdown of a relationship rather than give it growth.

I recently met someone on a dating app, we’ve seen each other on average twice a week for over a month. I’m physically attracted to her, the sex is really good for us both and whilst its still quite early to tell, on paper we have shared values and our interests align. But I’m not feeling the usual chemistry that I’ve used to navigate relationships for my entire life, and I just can’t work out whats feeling slightly ‘off’.

She’s demonstrated some clinginess, which I think is partly to do with being off-work during lockdown and having too much free time. The clinginess isn’t a dealbreaker, especially in current times and given my own past, but I’m feeling a bit suffocated whilst I can’t work out what, if anything, I should be feeling towards her. In the past, the teenage-like excitement and euphoria is what motivated me to go the extra mile for someone. Is part of a mature relationship doing that without those feelings at all?

Am I misinterpreting what ‘chemistry’ actually is? Does each individual need to decide for themselves whether to prioritise a relationship of compatibility, or one of chemistry? My gut tells me to keep looking for that spark again, but my past demonstrates that it only ends in unhappiness for me. This could be a really great relationship that blossoms over time, do I just need to ignore the nagging feeling telling me something is missing and commit one hundred percent?

Thanks

Chemical Reaction

DEAR CHEMICAL REACTION: This is an example of the question that you’re asking isn’t what you need to be asking in the first place. But let’s start with your initial question: is compatibility or chemistry more important? And the simple answer is “Both. Both is good.” But even that question is more nuanced than I think you realize. It all depends on exactly what it is you’re looking for. If all you’re looking for is a short-term relationship, and likely one where your connection is primarily physical or you don’t have any expectation of monogamy or commitment, then prioritizing chemistry is understandable. While you’re certainly going to need at least some compatibility — especially sexual compatibility — for things to progress at all, it’s understandable that you would prioritize sexual attraction and passion.

Similarly, there are plenty of folks out there for whom attraction and sex just isn’t a priority, but who still want loving, romantic relationships. These kinds of relationships  run the gamut; one person may fall on the asexual spectrum. Another may be physically incapable of having sex, or they may be in a long term relationship where the sexual connection has faded, but their relationship is still strong otherwise. These are all examples of relationships where compatibility and connection are vital, but sexual chemistry is less important; they may not be someone’s idea of a “traditional” romantic relationship, but they’re still just as real, valid and important.

But if you’re looking for a relationship where sex is going to be an important part of your connection and you want it to work in the long term… you’re going to want to get you a woman who can do both. While these two aspects may not be in perfect balance — you may have differences in values or backgrounds that come into conflict but the passion is electric and undeniable, or you may not be as hot and heavy as Gomez and Morticia Addams but you are an unbeatable team together — finding the right blend of compatibility and chemistry is going to be crucial for long-term success.

However, the problem you seem to be facing is that you’re confusing “chemistry” with “infatuation” or “new relationship energy”. Chemistry, at its core, is the interplay between physical attraction and emotional connection. If we were to break it down to strict biology, then chemistry is strictly that: chemical interactions in your brain. Love isn’t just an emotion, it’s also hormonal and chemical, the reuptake of oxytocin and dopamine that’s generated through things like orgasm, but also physical touch and laughter. Finding and connecting with someone you find physically attractive and emotionally engaging helps generate the hormones that hit the pleasure centers of your brain, encouraging emotional bonding as well as physical intimacy.

The feeling of not being able to get enough of somebody, of wanting to spend all your time with them and — in a lot of cases — being twitterpated to the state where you lose a couple IQ points in their presence? That is infatuation. Infatuation is the high that you get from that rush of dopamine and oxytocin. Your brain is tripping out on being around them, in no small part because we’re a novelty-seeking species and they’re new. It is, admittedly, a heady rush, one that people chase constantly. It’s also one that people confuse for love, causing them to panic when that rush subsides, as it pretty much always does.

But feeling that rush also isn’t necessarily an indicator of whether this relationship is a strong one or one worth pursuing. You can get head over heels for someone in those initial days and not realize that they’re actually horrible for you. You can also have a relationship that’s a slow burn, where the sense of connection and chemistry grows over time. In fact, in many cases, the latter relationships can end up being stronger in the long term. When you aren’t relying on the rush of oxytocin as the measure of your relationship’s viability, you realize that relationships require trust, communication and effort. To go back to the Gomez and Morticia example, while they very clearly have a passionate connection, part of what makes their relationship work is that they put in the work. Not in the sense of “we have to struggle to make this relationship function”, but that in the sense that they maintain their relationship with intention. They make a point to compliment each other, to flirt and to reaffirm their connection with each other. They make a point of being attractive for one another; they treat each other as though they were still in the initial courting phase, with affection and effort. They talk through their issues together and work as a team in times of crisis. They are supportive of one another’s interests, even if they don’t share them. That keeps their relationship strong, vital and happy.

You don’t necessarily have the butterflies-in-the-stomach-I-go-stupid-in-your-presence feelings for your current partner. But how do you feel about them? Do you look forward to seeing them when you can? When something happens in your life, do you find that they’re the person you want to share the news with? When things go badly, are they the one you want by your side? Do you feel more at peace with them around? Do you look forward to spending time with her, or is it something you like but could live without?

What about that clinginess? Are you able to talk with her about it, without turning it into a huge crisis? If you were able to magically excise that while everything else remained exactly the same, would you have fewer doubts? Or is that just the issue that’s easiest to point to?

I understand that “I have this gut feeling that something’s off”… but part of listening to your gut requires knowing when your gut is trustworthy or not. You don’t have a lot of relationship experience, nor does it seem that you have a lot of great relationship role-models in your life. Sometimes that “gut feeling” isn’t your Spidey-sense going off, it’s just “this is different, and I’m uncomfortable with different”. I’ve known plenty of folks whose gut reaction told them that their relationship was off… but the issue wasn’t that there was a problem with their current relationship, it’s that their current partner didn’t treat them as badly as their past partner did.

Or it could be that while the sex is great… you’re just not that into her. That’s valid too. But again: that infatuation feeling isn’t the indicator of being into them or not; that’s just the feeling of your brain getting high off someone else.

What I would suggest is to have a discussion about the clinginess and see if you can resolve that now, rather than down the line when it goes from “annoying but acceptable” to “testing the structural limits of your last nerve”. But as you do that, I would suggest taking some time to sit with your feelings about having her in your life. If you find that you look forward to seeing her, that she’s increasingly a highlight of your day… that’s a good sign that this relationship has potential. If you find that it’s increasingly a case of “I like the sex, but I could take or leave the person I’m having sex with,” then it may be time to draw the curtain on this relationship and start working towards your next one.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a woman who recently met an awesome guy, but things aren’t going the way I’d hoped.

I do have to admit that it was difficult at first because I was not used to flirting in a REALLY obvious way, nor was I able to join in the conversations he had with his friends as easily I had with others. He tends to like to talk about video games, while I like to talk about social issues and justices; but when the timing is right, we both like and have talked about science and technology! After some time I was able to joke around with them. Both luckily and unluckily for me, this man of interest is a very close and long time friend of my brother.

You probably can predict what already happened here: he friend-zoned me right off the bat. According to his logic (as well as my brother, who is also a self proclaimed nerd), he said that when he met me, he automatically saw me as a mutual friend because he had been friends with my brother for a long time. He also further commented that he likes to take things slow and that he didn’t know much about me to form an opinion. This is where I differ from his opinion, because in my perspective, this is what I thought was dates are for: two people getting to know the other party in a more private and intimate setting.

His response came as shock to me because I didn’t encounter such a reason before. Don’t get me wrong here, I have been rejected in the past but only after having some dates. The shock mainly came from my inability to understand why he chose to make such a difficult decision so quickly without hearing my side. I also do understand that not everyone thinks alike nor is able to handle certain situations as well as others do, which is why I take their reasons into consideration to make a decision. As for my case, I knew what the risks were for dating a close friend of my brother’s and I knew that it was worth it to try to take that risk with him. I know that I am not one to be uncivilized when things don’t go too well. All my past relationships have ended nicely where we communicated our troubles and still ended up being friends. Albeit we are not as in much contact as before, but we are still able to see and act normal around each other without any bitter or awkward feelings. However, my brother’s friend could have known all of that if he could given me that chance to show/explain that side of me.

Sorry if it took a long round-about way of asking my question but here they are: Knowing that he does not want to take a risk with his buddy’s sister (me), would he ever want to do so in the future?(my brother invites me to hang out with his friends every other week)

Or should I see this as a dead-end forever? I am always able to move on once I know that there is no option. I guess for this particular situation, I can’t quite understand the rejection because it felt that both of us were not able to see each other’s side outside of the friend circle to truly discover whether we are truly attracted to that person or not.

One last thing, he does know that I am not a bad looking person because his parents and friends told him that I am cute after seeing my photos. He also smiled and thought it was a compliment. Knowing this also further confused me as to why he didn’t want to try for a date.

Thank you for reading all of that and all of your help!

– Bro-Zoned

DEAR BRO-ZONED: Here’s the thing I think you’re missing BZ: the issue isn’t whether he’s heard your side or not when it comes to dating you. The issue is that he’s given you what’s known as a “soft” no — turning you down with a socially plausible, yet indirect, reason why he doesn’t want to date you.

Now this may not be a FALSE reason. He could well be what’s known as demisexual; that is, he’s someone who doesn’t feel romantic or sexual attraction to somebody until after having gotten to know them and having formed a fairly intimate platonic relationship with them first.

But I don’t think that’s necessarily the case here. Just between you, me and everyone reading this: I don’t think the issue here is that he takes a while to develop an opinion.

Now to be sure, people tend to progress at their own speeds when it comes to attraction; some folks feel that spark immediately, and others take time to warm up to people. There are plenty of relationships where the attraction builds over time before it turns from mutual platonic affection to romantic or sexual interest. You’ve got your speed when it comes to relationships – act on the attraction, check for compatibility along the way – while he has his. His happens to be a little more phlegmatic than yours, and that’s fine… different strokes for different folks and all that.

But to be perfectly honest, it sounds like he’s not attracted to you, and really, that’s all there is to it. Whether or not he knows about your dating style or being able to be cool with your exes is really beside the point. Hearing your side of things isn’t going to change his mind if he’s just not into you in the first place and frankly, nobody is really obligated to hear the other person’s case if they just aren’t interested in dating them. You can’t debate somebody into liking you, after all.

He may well change his mind over time and realize that maybe there is something about you that gets his motor running, but sticking around with the hope of changing his mind is a bad idea. It’s a Nice Guy move and tends to lead to Oneitis, making things awkward all around. If you’re genuinely interested in being friends with this guy – regardless of whether or not he decides he wants to date you – then I’d say go ahead and hang out with him and your brother on occasion… but on the whole, you’ll be better off to write him off as a crush that didn’t work out and move on.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m sailing some weird waters, making a connection with someone I met through a dating website. She’s trans. That’s not really the problem, but it complicates the problem.

I live with my parents. I dated a disaster a couple years ago, lost my virginity and a good deal of my sanity to what I now understand was a manipulative, abusive person. I met him online.

Since then, my mom has insisted I reach out through my microscopic circle of friends, or even various groups I belong to, to find someone to date. I have reached, and dredged, and come up with nothing but dashed hopes and some now awkward friendships. So, about a week and a half ago, I decided I’d mess with my profile again, sparked by a picture I took of myself that looked half decent, and the fact that two of my friends are getting married, so what the hell, who wants to be lonely forever.

The strangest, most suspicious thing happened. The first person I got a message from was not only decent, but pretty awesome (hot to boot), and we hit it off. I think the big red flag, though, is that the relationship has seemed to progress at ludicrous speed – akin to my last one. I honestly don’t know if that’s normal. I’ve dated two friends in my life, had sex with someone I met online on our third date, and don’t know what the heck normal is. I have no experience to work with, and if I keep waiting for someone to come into my life, I will continue to have no experience.

I’m wondering if I’m naive enough at 26 that my parents should be making my decisions for me, or if it’s okay to dive whole body into a relationship less than a week old. I’m sure the very fact that I’m wondering that really helps my case for me being mature.

I want to tell my parents I met someone, but I don’t know how to assert my maturity, or if I even should considering my behavior. To complicate things further, I don’t know how to come out as a lesbian who’s dating a trans girl.

So, I guess there’s a lot of talking that needs to happen somewhere. And probably some self-examination. But I don’t know where to start, and there’s only so long I can keep a part of this on pause before it blows up in my face.

Sincerely,

Pandora

DEAR PANDORA: Here’s a truth: there is no “normal”.

There isn’t any “one” way for relationships to go; you may date someone casually for a long time before getting serious and moving in together. You may find someone with whom you connect so quickly your head will spin. You may wait the cliche three dates to sleep with someone only to have them pull The Fade on you immediately afterwards. You may have a one-night stand that turns into a life-long, loving relationship that you usually only find in Nora Ephron films. Every relationship is going to be different and that’s ok. This has nothing to do with maturity.

That having been said, you don’t want to make the mistake of making a serious commitment early on. No matter how twitter-pated you may feel over your new girlfriend, you barely know a person at six months, never mind six days. You’re not even in the honeymoon period; you’re still in the “So, do you like Siracha on your pad-thai?” stage. It’s good that you’re deliriously happy – from the sounds of it, you definitely deserve some happiness in your life – but relationships take more than just that initial rush of chemistry and euphoria at the beginning. The red flag isn’t how quickly you connect, it’s how much you our your potential partner pushes for a commitment; pushing for an immediate commitment – especially exclusivity – is a danger sign. It frequently means that the person pushing for commitment is trying to lock you down before you realize that there’s something not right.

It doesn’t sound like that’s what your new crush is doing — or at least, you don’t say that she is in your letter — so that’s a good sign. But it’s still possible to get so caught up in the thrill of this new relationship, even a very good one, that you overinvest emotionally and put yourself at risk of getting hurt.

That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t enjoy the hell out of these happy feelings. By all means, embrace ‘em, enjoy that euphoria and how amazing your partner makes you feel. But don’t let yourself mistake the new relationship energy for the relationship. Trying to keep your head can be difficult at times like this, but you don’t want to end up committing to more than you’re actually ready for because you got caught up in the excitement of it all.

Now, as for telling your parents: there’s going to be a lot to drop on them at once, and honestly, there’s a certain amount they simply don’t need to know. The priority should be – assuming that you’re in a position where you can do so safely – coming out to your parents and letting them get adjust to the idea of who you really are. All they need to know right now is that you’re dating a woman and you’re head over heels for her. That’s really all you need to tell them for now. You’ve known her for a week and change – that’s not exactly “meet the parents” time. Hell, speaking strictly for myself and my relationship with my family, at a week in they were usually lucky to get the fact that I’d gone on a date with someone at all. If and when she’s a more established part of your life, then it may or may not be something they should be aware of, but for now: you’re seeing somebody and she’s awesome.

So here’s my advice: embrace the euphoria. Enjoy it! Acknowledge it, say “Isn’t it crazy how much we seem to click?” But don’t make any major decisions over it. You can feel the crazy compatibility without having to lock yourself to this person either in a lease or an exclusive relationship. If she’s as awesome as you think, she’ll be fine taking things slowly and just enjoying the newness of it all. If she pushes for commitment, then you’ll need to consider taking a step back and examining her other behavior for potential red flags.

But for now it sounds like you’ve got a good thing going — and one that’s much deserved. Take it slow, enjoy what you have and I think you’ll find that things will sort themselves out as you go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com