DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:

I have a problem in that I have quite a hairy chest. It’s not so much Huge Jackman Wolverine as it is Teen Wolf. Now I can joke about it all I want by saying I put a towel down on my chest before having sex as it saves her on getting carpet burn, but it’s getting to a stage where both my male and female friends are saying that something needs to be done about it, but if I get something done I’d then be a ‘metro-fag’. Apart from their horrible flawed logic is there any thing you can advise as to what a Sasquatch can do?

Or even how a guy can go about shaping his personal appearance to make sure that he doesn’t scare off the girl with a weird-ass neck beard?

Wolf Like Me

DEAR WOLF LIKE ME: Let’s start with the obvious: your friends are a

holes. There’s absolutely nothing useful, helpful or otherwise productive about telling somebody that they have an issue, AND insulting them for trying to figure out a solution.

Quit listening to ’em and learn the fine art of manscaping.

You have a few options that vary in terms of time, commitment, cost and pain tolerance. To start with, you could always take things on as a DIY project and just trim that sucker yourself. Norelco, Braun and Phillips all have lines of body-groomers for men that specifically designed for taming body hair above and below the belt. Find one that works for you, set the clip guard and start trimming your chest hair down to something more maintainable.

Incidentally, you don’t want to just trim it all to one uniform length; that can end up looking a little weird and leave you looking disproportionate.

Trimming your chest hair to one length and the hair on your abdomen to a shorter one will also make your chest look larger and your stomach look smaller and leaner. Plus, trimming down the hair will help show off your definition.

A combination of trimming and a depilatory cream like Nair (who make a line of products for men now) will help get things under control. Just be careful; if you have sensitive skin, Nair can cause rashes and if you try to use it somewhere sensitive, it’s gonna sting like a mother.

If you’re so fuzzy (like, Robin Williams’ yeti-pelt fuzzy) that you can’t actually see skin, you may want to consider waxing. Yes, it’s going to hurt like a son-of-a-bitch… and yet women get full Brazilians on the regular; you can handle getting your chest waxed. This sort of hair removal will leave you completely smooth chested for somewhere between two to six weeks, depending on your usual hair-growth patterns. You’ll need to do some due diligence afterwards with tweezers, toner and astringent; waxing can lead to ingrown hairs and there’s nothing quite like trying to deal with chest acne before a date.

Your other options involve permanent removal. Electrolysis is one method, zapping each individual hair follicle with electricity, killing the follicle dead. You would need multiple sessions to permanently remove the hair growth, especially if your chest-thatch is as thick as you say it is. It’s also currently the only way to permanently remove light-colored hair.

Laser hair removal is another option, but under limited conditions; you need a great deal of contrast between the hair and skin, as well as hair that has a decent level of pigment. Hair with little to no pigment (light blonde or red hair) isn’t going to respond to laster removal. And if you have light hair and light skin, you’re definitely not a good candidate for laser hair removal. On the other hand, if you have dark, coarse hair, especially if you have pale skin, you’re pretty much an ideal candidate. Plus, c’mon. It’s about as freaking sci-fi as it gets! Betting bombarded with lasers! It seems like you should sign a disclaimer claiming that you won’t get upset with them if you don’t develop superpowers.

Both electrolysis and laser hair removal are going to require multiple sessions, depending on the area being depilitated and both of ’em are gonna hurt. Which is going to hurt worse will depend on who you ask. Both methods carry some risk of scarring and both are gonna cost.

If you do go the laser hair removal, I’d recommend consulting with a dermatologist rather than going straight to the place that just opened up in the local strip mall. You want a doctor who’s performed thousands of procedures, not somebody with a degree from ITT tech and two weeks of training. Because, once again: lasers. You don’t want to have an amateur shooting lasers at you.

Or — and I realize this is a little outside the box — you could learn to love your thicket of fur. While I realize the media is still on the “virtually hair-free” kick for male celebrities, there are plenty of women out there who love them some hirsute men. Let’s not forget: Burt Reynolds was almost fuzzier than the bear-skin rug he posed on, and he was considered the epitome of masculine sexiness for quite some time.

But regardless of what direction you choose to go in… consider ditching your friends. You need a better class of confederates, and preferably ones who don’t casually drop slurs about gay men when you’re giving even the slightest consideration to your appearance.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I met a young lady through a dating app. We have a lot in common and after a bit of talking and flirting we met up to have a responsible social distance date. It went well and we had a couple more and have hung out a couple of times.

I like her (obviously), but after spending time with her in person I find myself not romantically attracted to her, while she is seems interested in me that way. We haven't been physical, just good times enjoying each other's company.

My question is this: how do I let her down easy without killing our friendship?

Sincerely,

Trying Not to be Shawn Michaels

DEAR TRYING NOT TO BE SHAWN MICHAELS: Serious question, my dude: has she actually said or done anything to make you think that she's interested in being more than friends? Has she, for example, talked about the possibility of you two getting physical, or floated the idea of ways that maybe you could have a slightly less distanced get-together? Or is this more of a (completely understandable) free-floating anxiety, a fear of hurting someone who you are coming to like as a friend?

I'm a big fan of not borrowing trouble from the future, especially if there's no reason to believe that there will be trouble in the future. If the two of you are just having a good time hanging out and nobody has started making comments about being more than friends, then I think having a "So just so you know, I don't want to date you" sort of conversation is going to feel like it came out of left field.

Now, if she has given indications that she wants more than friendship... well, that's where things get tricky. There really isn't a way to say "I like you, just not the way you want me to" that doesn't sting. But at the same time, letting someone believe there's a chance for more when there isn't is unnecessarily cruel, even if it's in the name of trying to avoid causing pain with an awkward conversation.

If you're legitimately interested in hanging out as friends, I don't know if there's a need for a preemptive "let's just be friends" speech. But if she does decide to call the question, then the answer is to be gentle and be honest. You really like her, you enjoy hanging out with her, you're glad you two have met and become friends, but you simply don't feel the same way. I would also suggest that you let her know: you sincerely want to stay friends, but if that doesn't work for her, you understand. Giving someone permission (as it were) to take care of themselves can sound weird and presumptive, but telling her you want her to prioritize her own emotional well-being is a kindness. Sometimes people — guys, gals and non-binary pals — need to be reminded that it's ok to take a little time to feel your feels when you've been turned down, instead of trying to immediately shift to a platonic friendship without pausing to acknowledge that it kinda sucks.

That is, of course, assuming that the issue ever comes up. It's entirely possible that she's on the same page as you and thinks that you are hoping for something more. And while I'm a big fan of using your words... a lot of times, if nobody actually makes a move to take things romantic, things tend to settle into the friendship it was always meant to be. And who knows; maybe down the line, you two will talk about how you all met and laugh about the fact that you were both convinced that the other had a huge crush.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’m a tiny girl. And by tiny I mean, pretty flat, front and back. Weird saying this, I don’t even know you (but I value your words and love your blog– great job!). Anyway, so, I’m pretty bold when I like a guy. I will usually tell him, upfront and in-person. Unfortunately, I’ve only had the chance about three times to be this bold.

Other times, I’m held back by a… thing. Being a nerd, I hang out with nerd guys. And they all seem to be really into curvy girls. And that’s great! Girls of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, and I mean that. Despite self-esteem issues, I really try to stay fine with my own body type (I am twig-thin and am often accused of being “too thin”– I’m not, doctor says I’m healthy as a healthy horse, I promise), and am only shaken when confronted with the poisonous question of “Is what I have enough to please?” I guess I feel like there are fantasies I will never be able to fulfill for my guy (when he happens).

So recently, despite my previous forwardness, my confidence has dropped considerably because of eavesdropping on (I wasn’t really, I was actually RIGHT there) conversations in recent past workplaces (restaurant talk, what should I have expected?). Guys talking about how they at least need a “handful” … ok, well, guys tend to have bigger hands than ladies. Just sayin’. When I was younger, I used to Google search what guys thought of small girls, and the majority (though not all!) of my findings yielded glorious statements like, “I’m not a pedophile” or “Real men want real women with curves”, I was a wee bit crushed. I don’t feel like less of a woman because of it, just… less desirable. I was young and foolish, and while I know not to go looking for that stuff now, I was impressionable. 

I’m also surrounded by curve-love (which is great, curves should be loved!)  at conventions and other gatherings of geekdom (I tend to avoid comic book stores — some good experiences, but also some uncomfortable ones, as you’ve mentioned on your blog). While I appreciate curves, I always feel … ahaha, “under-dressed”? I’m terrified to cosplay most anyone (except Death from Gaiman’s “Sandman” – I love her). 

I think to assume that NO guy likes small women is pretty low of me, but what are the odds that, in finding a guy who does (and him being a geek who is NOT into loli), he doesn’t end up disappointed? Or want something more? Am I worrying too much? 

Thanks for reading,

Tempest in an A-Cup

DEAR TEMPEST IN AN A-CUP: You’re worrying yourself over nothing, ACoC.

Just as I’m always saying that women aren’t one monolithic hive-mind, neither are men. Guys are incredibly diverse in the body-types they go for. For every guy who goes nuts for Christina Hendricks’ hour-glass figure, there will be another who wouldn’t sleep with her with a rented penis and Kat Dennings cheering things on. 

By the same token, dudes who like petite women aren’t just into the loli/jailbait look. Kirsten Bell – to pick a celebrity – is quite petite, but folks find her incredibly attractive. So too are Ariana Grande and Krysten Ritter. There are plenty of men who go nuts for petite women, just as there are plenty of guys who go for big beautiful women. The big problem – other than people body-shaming naturally thin women – is that younger guys often have a hard time owning up to their own preferences. There’s a lot of pressure for guys to conform to the “Gimme BOOBS” stereotype and someone who diverges from that image may not feel as though he can own his preferences.

Sadly, the only thing that helps in this case is for him to mature enough and become self-assured enough to not give a shit about what other people think and just embrace that he likes, whether it’s big ladies or wee ones.

Be careful relying on the Internet as a barometer for opinions; not only is it an echo-chamber, but it gives a distorted view of how people really feel. The loud folks can seem far more numerous than they actually are. On the one hand, you have guys saying that “you need a handful”. On the other, the French have a saying: “a smaller-breasted girl holds you closer to her heart”.

Sexiness is about attitude as much as it is anything else. One of my friends is insanely petite – to the point of having to shop in the juniors’ section as often as not. She’s had her share of boyfriends and admirers over the years and is now incredibly happily married. Part of what made her popular wasn’t her measurements but her personality. She has an appealing mix of punk-rock-don’t-give-a-f

k and Zoe-Deschanel-perkiness that won people over. With the right attitude, a 32 A-cup can be even more alluring than someone with Jayne Mansfield’s measurements. It’s all in how you present yourself as a holistic person.

And just a side note about cosplay: cosplaying as Death is going to get you plenty of admirers. You might also try Ninjette from Adam Warren’s series Empowered. There’s also a wide variety of anime characters that you might find appealing. But more than just matching their fictional measurements, cosplay is about how you feel about the character. Pick a character you love and rock it, bra size be damned.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My friends and I need your help. 

Our friend is in a super toxic relationship and Tuesday night he finally escaped the relationship. She then sent him around 80 calls, found his mom’s number, home number, and sister’s number and sent him text saying that she was going to kill him. Then on Thursday, she showed up outside of his door at 9 in the morning. (She goes to a college that’s 3 hours away, meaning she took a 6 am bus ride all the way here). She then proceeded to cry for six hours straight and threaten to kill herself.

Apparently, she has attempted this before. Eventually she guilted him into taking her back through emotionally manipulating him and threatening her safety. 

My friends and I have no idea what to do, it feels like we’re helpless to save him from this mess and we’re pushing against a brick wall. He even met a new girl a few days ago that is super into him and is not a manipulative psycho who actually treats him with respect. 

Any advice would be great. I feel like slapping him at this point. 

Stuck In The Middle

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: Your friend doesn’t have a relationship. He has a hostage situation… and his girlfriend is both the hostage taker AND the hostage. The problem here – besides the fact that he’s backed himself into a corner by his  ex – is that there’s nothing you can do to save him.

This, unfortunately, is a universal truth for anyone who’s friends with someone stuck in an abusive relationship, regardless of gender: as much as it may drive you nuts to watch your friend suffer, you can’t force him to leave her. It’s going to drive you bats

t watching him waste away with his toxic girlfriend, especially when there are other, awesome, non-manipulative, non-abusive women out there practically throwing themselves at him and feeling completely powerless to do anything.

But, sadly, that’s the way it has to be. He knows he’s in a toxic relationship… but he’s the only one who can get himself out of it. You can’t force him out. You can’t go all relationship vigilante and try to drive her away, nor can you kidnap him and give him the Clockwork Orange treatment until you’ve deprogramed him from ever going back to her. He’s a grown-ass man, and the only way he’s going to get out of this mess is when he decides he’s had enough.

Now having had experience with this sort of thing before, I do have some advice for you and your friend.

Don’t talk s

t about her; he knows what she is. Don’t pressure him to dump her; he already knows this is what he needs to do. He’ll do it when he’s good and ready, and pushing him is only going to make him push back. The best thing you can do right now is be the friend he needs. You need to be as non-judgmental as possible; he knows he did a stupid thing and giving him s

t for a decision he made when he felt like his back was against the wall will only make things worse for him. The more he feels shame or embarrassment, especially if it’s coming from his support squad, the less likely he will be to come to you when he needs you. This includes comments like “FINALLY!” or “OH THANK GOD” if he talks about leaving her. The last thing you want to do is punish him for finally having the strength to do what needs to be done.

Give him your unconditional support – he’s going to need it. Be someone he can lean on and provide him strength when he needs it. If he asks for your opinion, then tell him how you feel. Phrase it in your concern for him: you’re worried about him, you don’t like how he’s been so drained lately or the way he’s been so depressed.

Also: keep him busy. Since she’s not actually on campus with him, it’ll be easier to keep him occupied and distracted. She may be using the electronic leash to try to keep tabs on him, but the more you and your friends can spend time with him, the less of an influence she’ll be able to exert. Having a life outside of her one-woman campaign of misery will also help build back his self-esteem and help remind him that he needs to establish strong boundaries

Here’s the other thing need you need to tell your buddy: she is not his responsibility. He’s not her doctor, her father, her legal guardian, or her guardian angel. Yeah, she’s threatened to kill herself if he leaves her, and that can be distressing; he’s a good guy and he doesn’t want her to be hurt, no matter how badly she’s hurt HIM. But here’s the thing: she’s not going to do it. This is an incredibly common manipulation technique that abusive s

tbags  – men and women alike – use to keep their partners in line. She’s relying on the fact that he’s a good guy and doesn’t want anyone to hurt themselves over him. It’s a way of making him feel as though he’s somehow responsible for her and playing on his sense of guilt. She only has as much power over him as he allows her to have… and right now, he’s allowing her to have a lot.

But even in the (incredibly unlikely) event she does hurt herself… that’s not his fault. Unless he actually has secret mutant powers, he didn’t cause her to do anything. She’s a grown-ass woman, fully capable of making her own decisions. If she’s in a place so dark that she actually would carry out her threat to commit suicide, then she’s such a danger to herself, then she needs immediate psychiatric help, rather than continuing to go to class.

Eventually he’s going to get around to dumping her again. When he does, you all need to go nuclear IMMEDIATELY. This means cutting off every avenue she has of getting in contact with him. All of you need to block her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, WhatsApp, Spotify, GoodReads… everything. All of you also need to make sure that your privacy settings are air tight, especially on Facebook; it’s absurdly easy to stalk people via friends-of-friends. Be sure to tell his family as well, and remind them to not give her information, no matter how seemingly inconsequential. She’s already dragged them into her drama once already, she’ll likely try again.

In addition: go to campus security. She’s shown up unannounced before, and odds are, she’ll do it again. Bring copies of the threats she’s made against your buddy, as well as bringing up all the other people she’s dragged into this drama. Do not let them brush you aside just because she’s a woman. She’s threatened to kill him and she’s shown up on his doorstep without warning; it’s their job to keep HIM safe and HER off campus.

If she does show up again – do not engage her. Don’t talk to her, don’t answer the door. Tell her to leave. If she won’t leave, call campus security. If she’s not on campus, the call the police. Your buddy has no obligation to talk to her, listen to her or otherwise enable her bulls

t. Opening the metaphorical door even an inch just gives her even more leverage to wedge herself back into his life. Cut her out.

Your friend is lucky to have friends like you. Help him stay strong, give him your support and be the shield he needs to keep the toxicity out of his life.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com