Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes discussion about rape, sexual assault and false rape allegations

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really appreciate everything you’ve written and I have a question about a situation that’s a bit of a twist on the old scenario, Mostly because the predatory party is a female. Forgive the upcoming wall of text but this is a long and complicated story.

For a little background I’ve known this person, let’s call her Alpha, for years and actually met most of my current friend group through her. It has never been a secret that she’s not the most stable person, nor is the fact that she has feelings for me, another woman who happens to be a lesbian. But I have no interest in her for a myriad of reasons and have made that crystal clear. The first time it came up I politely turned her down by pointing out the fact that she was married, even though it was an open relationship and I have no problem with that in principle. That reason happened to have her the least personally insulting one I could come up with for turning her down, but it’s obvious to everyone who knows her that she, and I’m quoting here, “covets” me to this day. Now knowing this about her and other things including the fact that she is bipolar and very hypersexual I have always kept her at an arm’s length, because something just seemed off. Unfortunately I have since found out I was properly paranoid to be cautious.

I drifted away from her over the years for various reasons including realizing that she’s in general just kind of a s

tty friend. While her mom was dying of cancer a few years ago I tried to be there for her as much as I could but when my own mom got cancer it was radio silence on her end. During that period I also realized that she’s incredibly jealous of a friend of mine, Phi, who actually was there for me when all this was happening. At one point she attempted to reconnect with me but by then that ship had sailed because I realized she was only interested in being a friend when it was beneficial to her and she was still hoping to get in my pants someday. After that point contact between us generally ceased.

Enter Delta. He is another mutual friend of ours who I know has had feelings for her in the past. And at some point last year I became aware that something had happened between them that made them not want to be around each other. To say that what he told me in private made me furious is an understatement. Essentially she arranged for a situation where she stayed over at his house overnight without actually needing to, lured him into the guest room and attempted to have sex with him, with her as the clear aggressor. It got as far as her throwing a condom at him before he made an excuse to leave the room and then locked himself in his own room for the remainder of the night. The next day she acted normal and didn’t acknowledge anything had happened, but a few days later she came after him insisting he had assaulted her. She then dragged his name through the mud to other people we know and effectively got him blacklisted from our community.

I was furious to find out she had sexually assaulted my friend and then tried to blame him for it. And I fully believe Delta, in part because his story is almost identical to one Phi told me years ago about going to Alpha’s house when she was there alone to pick something up and she blatantly came on to him. He was more puzzled than anything and wasn’t receptive and he has never done anything physical with her, and I know Phi well enough that there is no reason he would lie about it because it’s just not in his character. Then the story gets stickier since at the time Alpha told other people, including Delta, that she was in a casual relationship with Phi, and worse, claims he was abusive to her. I only found out about this after Delta confided in me about what she did to him, and at this point we both realized the depth of her lies and the likelihood she has done this to others. It’s clear that he method is to falsely claim someone had abused her in response to rejection.

I have encouraged Delta to come forward to some of the people with influence in our community but he is reluctant to do so and thinks he will not be believed because he’s a man. I have offered to go with him since I have some training in this area and I believe his account is credible. But I know I can’t make him. He did eventually talk to Phi and they compared accounts so now they both know, but things are at a stalemate. Alpha has since become increasingly erratic and has separated from her husband to live with a boyfriend and is purposely going unmedicated for her bipolar disorder. I’m certain she will do this again to someone else if given the chance, and it pisses me off to know we have a predator in our community hiding being a lie of victimhood. But I also can’t do anything without the victims being willing to come forward.

On a personal note this infuriates me because I had my own experience with a guy in our community who harassed me for not being receptive to his advances (because lesbian) and Alpha went on a virtual crusade against him that ended with him getting banned, but now I find out she’s just as bad if not worse because her actions have progressed to the physical. I have avoided her as much as possible so my temper can’t get the better of me, since my reaction would probably be to cuss her out and reveal that I know her true colors.

So what do I do? Or have I done all I can for now? I just can’t stand the thought of this woman still being out there doing this to others.

Sincerely,

Conflicted and Enraged

DEAR CONFLICTED AND ENRAGED: This is a tough question to answer, C&E, in no small part because this scenario is precisely the sort of thing certain groups like to toss around as “proof” that women make up allegations of sexual assault for clout and/or power and that the #MeToo movement is nothing more than women trying to take down men because F

K YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY. Similarly, plenty of folks will dismiss the story of a guy assaulting people — see also: Mignogna, Vic — but accuse the victims of inventing the entire thing because reasons.

In reality, not only are false accusations so rare as to be statistically non-existent, but the vast majority of false — not “unverified”, not “not proven in court” but actually made up — almost never involve a named perpetrator. It’s “I was assaulted” not “Joe Blow assaulted me”. In practice, women who come forward with stories about rape or sexual assault tend to get put through the wringer, by the authorities, by the public, even by family, while the perpetrators are rarely punished, or the punishments are laughably lenient — see also: Turner, Brock. This is why people say “believe women” or “believe victims”; not because women never lie or mislead or because people haven’t lied about being a victim of a crime, but because our societal default tends to question victims’ versions of events at best or to call them liars at worst.

And the story of a vindictive, possibly mentally ill woman tossing around sexual assault accusations… well, that fits in rather well with the narrative that MRAs, Red-Pillers and assorted f

kheads make up in order to discredit victims. So needless to say: I’m a little skeptical.

But with that in mind: being a s

thead knows no gender, and some folks will do s

tty things to other people because they feel justified in doing so. So I’m going to proceed with caution here.

The issue here is that we end up with a conflict between two mutually exclusive desires: the desire to believe our friends when they tell us their story, and the desire to believe victims. On the one hand, we want to believe the folks in our lives, especially our close friends, would never do such a thing. On the other hand, history is rife with people who believed that their friend was innocent and incapable of doing such horrific things, only to discover that no, they were VERY capable of doing so. It becomes a difficult needle to thread because we’re pulled in two different directions, both of which seem equally valid.

In your case, you have reason to believe Delta and Phi, because you know them, they have similar stories and Alpha’s behavior when you met her set your Spidey-sense tingling. That, understandably, puts you more firmly on the side of believing them. Their reticence to come forward also adds to their credibility in this case. While it’s by no means proof, lots of people who want to (literally) blame the victim will shout their version of the story from the mountain tops, not quietly try to just move forward with their lives.

So let’s say that this is 100% legit. They’ve told you God’s honest truth, Alpha is prone to tossing around stories like this to cover for her embarrassment or anger at being rejected and the only thing they’re guilty of is being briefly interested in someone who is not in good working order (to say the least.)

Here’s the problem, C&E: there isn’t that much that you can do. The problem with cases like this — whether taken to the authorities, or simply being reported in the court of public opinion — is that there’s no evidence. It’s the literal definition of “he said, she said”, which then comes down to “so who are you going to believe?” Without any concrete reason to cast doubt on Alpha’s credibility (and HOO BOY does that get problematic), there’s simply no good or clean way of handling this that doesn’t open up a veritable typhoon of problems. If Delta and Phi were willing to come with you to talk to people in your community… well, that might help, it might not. But that’s more or less the limit of what you can do to address these issues.

The other issue is that she’s a less visible missing stair than others. The term — coined by Cliff Pervocracy — is a metaphor for somebody in the community who is a known problem. The malefactor is akin to an issue with a house — a missing stair in the stair case to the basement. People who know about the missing stair know to simply step over it and often get used to the fact that it’s not there. People who don’t know that the stair is missing, however, are prone to falling and getting hurt. The folks who live in the house are used to the stair, they’ll warn people to watch out for the missing stair… but some people don’t get the warning and end up hurt.

The obvious answer is “stop stepping over the damn thing and fix the f

king stair,” or, rather: dropkick the person out of your community so hard they achieve geostationary orbit. But in this case… well, it seems like your community doesn’t realize there’s a stair that’s missing.

Yet.

If other people don’t know that Alpha is a problem, then it’s very hard to do anything concrete about it. You could start a whisper network and warn people on the down-low to avoid her and fill them in on her proclivities. This is, needless to say, problematic as f

k; you are, for all intents and purposes, creating the missing stair issue. But without compelling evidence or a pattern of behavior that you can point to, it’s going to be hard to convince people that this is a problem. So the least-bad option would seem to be to limit her access to people and minimize the potential harm she can do.

As much as it sucks and as awful as it is, it may well be that your only option is to wait. If this is a pattern of behavior for Alpha, then the odds are… one hesitates to say “good”… that she’ll do this again. And if she is choosing to not treat her bipolar disorder, it’s entirely possible that she’ll reach a point where her behavior will be obvious to everyone. The problem is, not only does this not help Delta and Phi, but it also risks harming future victims and Alpha herself.

Similarly, I don’t think publicly accusing her or going off at her will help. At best, it’s just spectacle. At worst, you risk coming off as someone who supports a couple of rapists and accusing a victim of making false rape accusations. And, in the process, putting a very large target on your back. After all, you’re the one palling around with rapists so what does that say about you, etc. etc.

So, yeah. It’s a case of “suck or suckier”, where there really are no good options and the only choice you have is the one that’s the least bad. Supporting your friends, warning others and possibly talking to folks within the community about Alpha and Phi seems to be the least bad choice. At least in this case, it potentially limits the damage that Alpha can do, with as minimal exposure for yourself as possible. Otherwise, the only thing that’s left is waiting for Alpha to self-destruct (metaphorically, one hopes) or reach a point where her malfeasance is obvious and she can be removed from the community.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a long time reader of your blog and I would like to thank you for all your good advice. I have pretty much all the general nerd problems when trying to find a girlfriend, and you seem to tackle all of them in your articles.

However I have an additional problem that is added to the usual problems. And that problem is, I have a chronic illness. It is not really noticeable now, but it will get worse over time, since it is progressive. It is slowly attacking my nerves, and I might even end up in a wheelchair.

I really want a long term relationship, so this is something my hypothetical future girlfriend will have to deal with. And therein lies the problem.

First of all: How and when do I tell her about my disease? Too early, and she would probably run away. Too late and she would think I am dishonest. All the advice I could find on relationships and chronic illnesses is about dealing with it when you already have a partner.

Secondly, a guy who also has the disease told me that he failed to take into account when he got the disease, his girlfriend also ‘got it’. It cost him his relationship. I am not convinced girls see me as good boyfriend material anyway, and adding this illness to it only makes it worse. I feel like I would be complicating a persons life,and I hate that.

I hope you can give me some sound advice,

Uncertain Future

DEAR UNCERTAIN FUTURE: This is a tough one, UF, because there aren’t really any easy answers. I’m not going to lie: you’re going to have a harder time than most when it comes to long-term relationships. A chronic illness, especially one that may necessitate a partner becoming a caregiver, can be a deal-breaker for a lot of people. It can be a pretty damned high price of admission for most people. Many people can handle the IDEA of a chronic condition, especially a potentially debilitating one, when it’s off in the theoretical future. When it becomes a part of their day-to-day reality… some people realize too late that they just can’t handle it.

However, difficult doesn’t mean impossible. There are people out there, men and women who have the strength to love someone even knowing that one day that their partner may face serious health issues. One of my friends was dating a woman with multiple sclerosis. When she explained to him about her disease and what it could potentially mean for her, he thought about it and said “Guess we’re going to have to make sure any house we live in is handicapped accessible.” They’ve been married for several years now and are expecting a second child in the next few months.

In general, I’m a fan of early disclosure with most issues, whether it’s kinks or health issues or relationship preferences. However, dropping the progressive-illness bomb on someone early on will probably scare people away… even people who might have the strength and the courage to face it once they’ve become more invested in you and your relationship together. At the same time, you don’t want to spring it long after the two of you have gotten serious; she’s going to feel as though she had been lied to.

So here’s what I suggest: bring it up sooner rather than later, but before the two of you become serious. Personally, I’d disclose before sex enters the equation, but you definitely need to have it before someone drops the “L-word”. If you’re reaching the point that you’re starting to consider exclusivity and you haven’t brought this up, then it’s time to have The Talk. You want to give her the low-down on what you have and what it could potentially mean.

However.

As I always say, it’s about presentation. You don’t want to treat this as something shameful or something horrific. This is part of what makes you, you after all, and presumably it’s that you she’s fallen in love with. So you re-frame the situation. It’s part of who you are, something that’s shaped your world view and made you the person you are today. It’s made you appreciate the little things and take the long view. You’ve learned to savor life all the more and how to live to the fullest.

Will some people still balk? Yes, probably. But at the same time: these are not people you want to be in a long-term relationship with. It’s going to suck at times, but you’re going to be better off in the long-run. When you find someone who not only loves you but has the inner strength to stand by you when things progress… well, that’s when you know you’ve found someone amazing, and that sort of person is well worth the time and energy it takes to find.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This question came up when I ended my first relationship a few weeks ago. He was the one to initiate the breakup, and although he apologized quickly about his end before we broke up, I was feeling pretty raw on the inside and I was unable to talk to him about what had happened between us at all. We spoke to each other a few times before college ended in mid-June, but never about the relationship. Now I’m in another country and he’s working in a different city so I don’t think I will be able to see him in person until school starts in late September… if it even does. Today, I sent him an apology of around 200 words through e-mail and I wanted to know what I did in the apology that was okay and what I did that wasn’t okay.

1) I first told him that the reason this sorry came late was because for a while, I wasn’t ready to talk to him about anything that had happened between us.

2) I was sorry about the way I acted in the relationship and the emotional burden I placed on him.

3) I admitted that I was going through a lot of unrelated stress and I didn’t know how much I was hurting him, but that didn’t excuse the fact that I hurt him or made him feel uncomfortable.

4) I am taking full responsibility for my actions and accepting whatever comes next.

I have lots of questions. If we were on polite speaking terms, should I still have apologized? Is it wrong or too late to apologize a month and a half after the relationship ended? 

Did I do it wrong? If I did, what’s the right way to apologize? Is the reason to apologize because you know you hurt that person or because you feel guilty or both? I feel like I was doing this because I wanted to take responsibility for what happened as well. I’m okay with however he replies: if he severs contact with me, that’s fine as well. I just know that I want to be honest and I don’t want to be the person who blames what went wrong on other people. The only reason I didn’t apologize earlier was because I was in a state of emotional shock. I had various feelings including wanting to beg him to take me back, some anger, and definite regret, but I was pretty calm with him whenever I spoke to him. So this is one of those situations where the uncertainty is killing me and I have no idea what to do or how to feel. Help me Doctor! How can I make apologies worth it?

Sincerely,

Awkward Apologizing A

DEAR AWKWARD APOLOGIZING A: Let’s see: you took your time to collect your thoughts and examine your feelings before you contacted him so you could be as calm and objective as you could. You explained your side of things, how you felt and took responsibility for the things you said and did. You kept it brief and you did it in a way that gives him a chance to think on things and doesn’t put him on the spot to reply right away.

Really, as far as apologies go, that’s pretty much textbook perfect.

I don’t necessarily believe in the need for apologies after a break-up; they can be nice to have, but they’re hardly a requirement. Sometimes they can be well-meaning but end up making things worse – I’ve seen plenty of “coming clean” apologies that would’ve been better off remaining unsaid, but the apologizer decided that unloading his or her guilt was more important than sparing their ex pain. This is part of why I advocate the nuclear option in break-ups; sometimes the best thing is to just cut ties and wait for time and perspective to work their magic.

In the end it depends ultimately on what your intentions are. Were you hoping to mend some open wounds in the hopes of staying on good terms with your ex and salvaging a friendship in the future? Were you hoping to get the emotional upper hand in the breakup? Were you hoping to get back together? Sort that out in your head and you’ll understand more about how you feel.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am super unsure as to what I really, truly, want in my relationship. I have been dating my current girlfriend for 10 months, and I’ve been very happy for the most part.

I feel as though I should provide some context for the rest of my message, though. Increasingly, a past interest who I’ll name ‘M’ has been on my mind. As much as I do not like this, I have flirted with her regularly for the past several weeks. My current girlfriend (for convenience ‘J’) has been nothing but wonderful and supportive of me. I’m super happy with ‘J’ but I have been feeling unfulfilled despite how much I care for her.

‘J’ helped me to become comfortable with my sexuality while dating the opposite gender (I’m a bi guy), and I know that she is still incredibly into me. I, however, am not sure I feel the same. Honestly, I’m just confused as to whether or not I am responding to attention, or to an actual, true feeling of mine. I’d appreciate any advice you have on confusion during relationships!

Sincerely,

What Do I Want?

DEAR WHAT DO I WANT: The first thing I feel that I have to point out is that being into other people doesn’t mean that you’re not into your partner, WDIW. If you’ve read me for long enough, then you already can sing along with the chorus: monogamy isn’t our default state. The fact that you’re attracted to people — including your ex — doesn’t automatically mean that something is wrong with your relationship. It just means that you’re a human with a sex-drive. A monogamous commitment just means that you promise not to date or sleep with other people; it doesn’t mean that you won’t want to.

Now that being said: I think you aren’t doing yourself any favors by flirting with your ex. While your attraction to her doesn’t have anything to do with your relationship to J, it can create problems where they may not necessarily exist already. The thrill of the new or different can clash with the comfort of the relationship you already have and make any discontentment seem larger and more meaningful by comparison. But those problems are just as likely to exist with other partners; you just haven’t been with them for long enough to encounter them. Or, in the case of exes and past crushes, you’ve been away for so long that nostalgia has filed away all the rough patches. It’s easy to feel like maybe this relationship isn’t right for you when this other one feels so much more exciting and perfect than the one you’ve been in for longer.

By that same token, however, this doesn’t mean that maybe your current relationship is right for you any more. You and your partner never stop growing as people. Hopefully you both grow and change together… but sometimes you grow apart too. That doesn’t mean that anyone has done anything wrong; it just means that you and your partner are going in different directions and this relationship doesn’t fit who you are now. Not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some are just meant to be a short story, and that’s fine. Hell, some are just meant to be a dirty limerick.

How do you tell dissatisfaction brought on by a new infatuation vs. an actual problem within your relationship? Well, some of this only comes with time and experience; the more relationship experience you have under your belt, the better you’re able to sort out infatuation and limerence from a deeper and more meaningful attraction. Similarly, the more you’ve dealt with the slings and arrows that come with dating another person — and the more you’re aware of your own needs in a relationship — the more you can tell when there’s an actual problem or whether you’re being distracted by the shiny new toy.

The first thing I would suggest is to knock off the flirting with M. I get that her interest and attention can be intoxicating, but for now you’re inviting trouble that you don’t need. If your dissatisfaction with J starts to fade within a couple of weeks of cutting things with M, then you’ve got your answer: you were getting off on the fact that someone else finds you hot. That doesn’t make you a bad person; that just makes you human, like the rest of us. However, if you find that you’re still bothered by your relationship with J, even without a potential new partner lurking in the background… well, then you know that your feeling unfulfilled was actually the check-engine light of your relationship, rather than something brought on by the allure of getting some strange.

Regardless, I think it would be a good idea that you do some hard thinking and interrogating your feelings about J. “Unfulfilled” covers a lot of territory. What, precisely, are you feeling like you’re missing? Is it simply the case that you’re not as attracted to her as you were in the beginning? Is it that things aren’t as exciting as they were in the early months? Are you finding that you have needs that aren’t being met, or is it just that this relationship hasn’t been as easy or effortless as it was at the start? The more you can dial in on the precise shape and texture of this unfulfilled feeling, the more you can tell whether it’s something to discuss with J or not. After all, the fact that you’re not necessarily feeling fulfilled doesn’t mean that this is a permanent situation. This could well be something that could be resolved with some conversations — awkward or otherwise.

Being into someone else doesn’t mean that the relationship is over. Being a little dissatisfied doesn’t mean that the relationship is flawed beyond repair. It’s an indication that you should pay attention. A little more mindfulness right now can mean the difference between a relationship that can be fixed, or one that’s reached its natural end.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com