DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years.  We have been so happy and I have not felt any issues in my relationship. If anything, I felt he was more affectionate in our relationship. Sex has been great and regular.

2 weeks ago, we went on a snowboarding holiday. It wasn’t the best holiday (due to weather and place) but we just got on with it. On the last day, I noticed a girl had messaged him asking if he is having a good ski holiday. Obviously I thought it was weird and asked him why a girl is messaging him that. Maybe asked in a angry way, but I felt it was very odd and had never seen her message before.

He replied with she’s a girl from work, trying to make friends with everyone. After a 2 hour cab journey in silence. I got over it and left it. I apologised if I seemed angry and just explained how I saw it was weird. But I don’t think he has gotten over it.

When we come back, out of the blue he now thinks we have nothing in common and he has no feelings for me and can’t be bothered with the relationship anymore?! Unfortunately this happened the day the UK went into lockdown, and we are living together. We sat down and chatted about it, I explained that it is possibly to do with everything going on around the world at the moment. He is insisting that it’s not and it’s the way he feels. He hasn’t kissed me and doesn’t cuddle me in bed anymore. I am giving him as much space as I can, during this time.

How can I get him to see that it just a pissed off stage and that we are actually ok?

Stuck In Limbo

DEAR STUCK IN LIMBO: I think that you’re looking at a false dichotomy here, SiL. It doesn’t have to be an either/or situation — that either it’s the COVID-19 pandemic that’s got your boyfriend down OR he genuinely feels like he’s checked out of this relationship. It’s entirely possible for both things to be true: he’s been having doubts about this relationship and the circumstances of life under quarantine are exacerbating negative feelings.

And if I’m perfectly honest, I’m not sure things are ok.

Let’s look at what brought you to this place. There are times when it seems like a person’s reaction vastly outweighs the circumstances that triggered that reaction. Take, for example, that one tiff seems to have caused your boyfriend to feel that he’s not that into you right now. That seems like it would be a bit of an overreaction to a fairly petty squabble. If all it took for him to suddenly decide that your relationship is over and he actually doesn’t like you all that much because you had one fight… well, honestly, I’d wonder how the hell you got through four years together. That would be a pretty big indicator that this was not the strongest of relationships to start with.

And while it’s not impossible that you two have managed to thread that particular needle consistently for four years — hey, in an infinite universe, weird s

t can happen — it’s pretty unlikely.

The odds are better that this is something that’s been bubbling for a while now, and that the fight you had at the end of your holiday was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

But at the same time, I’ve got a suspicion that this fight wasn’t a first for you two either. Maybe I’m wrong, but getting on his case for someone asking him an incredibly benign, even banal question seems like something that would be kinda weird coming out of the clear blue sky. Getting your nose out of joint over someone you don’t know saying “hey, had a good time on your trip?” is as much of an overreaction as one fight being all it took to end the relationship. And if this were literally the first time this ever happened… well, that’d be another marker in the “it seems like you two stayed together through sheer luck” scoreboard.

So I think you may need to take a long hard look at how you both have been acting and feeling over the last few months, even the last year. If this isn’t the first time you’ve gotten suspicious or jealous about people he knows, then it could well be that this has been a grievance he’s been sitting with for a while.

The question here is whether it’s even possible to pull things back from the brink, especially since the world is on lockdown and the two of you are stuck with one another. Normally in these circumstances, I’d advocate for having an Awkward Conversation, where you explain how you’re feeling, what you would need or want and how that would make the relationship better, before giving him a chance to share his side of things.

That ain’t gonna work here. You’re going to need to actually do the inverse. You’ve done a lot of explaining to him how he feels or should feel and that’s not helping. Trying to fix things between the two of you is going to involve a lot less talking and a lot more listening. If he’s having doubts and believes his feelings have changed, then you’re going to need to give him room to share how he feels. And that means just listening, without trying to correct him, object to his interpretation of things or otherwise steer the conversation. It sounds to me like he’s got a lot of things on his mind and things he hasn’t said. And honestly, it’ll probably hurt like hell to hear them. But like lancing a boil, you’re going to have to put up with the unpleasantness in order to get to the healing.

And that’s assuming he wants to make things work.

Look, I’m not gonna lie: this is a Hail Mary pass at best. He may not be interested in trying to fix things. But if you are going to make the attempt — or at least be able to live together temporarily until you can find another option — then you’re going to have to have a moment to let him unburden himself and then see where you two stand.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Why have I been having girls that give me their numbers but never return my phone calls/texts when I call/text?

This has been happening to me several times already where I talk to a girl and we really hit it off right (e.g. I don’t walk on eggshells talking to her, there are no inconsistent “silent gaps” throughout our conversations, I am open with myself without any reservations, etc.). Throughout our conversation, it seems like we are getting along with one another and really getting to know each other and then when the night ends, I ask for her number and she gives it to me and we exchange numbers and even exchange hugs too.

And then after I call/text her, the next day or 2 I don’t hear back from her. Normally I just think to myself “hmm, she must be busy or might have not gotten the text or voicemail. And then I call her back again and leave a message and play the waiting game 2 more times just to not ever hear from her again.

I know that I should not be taking this personally but what bugs me is that this situation has happened to me 3 – 4 times already. I have tried to change my conversation topics (no talking about sex, about dating history, about who she’s currently seeing, about family, about anything that is deemed personal, not talking about my interests in dancing and letting her talk the whole time). I have even ruled out meeting women at bars and clubs and other places where women are likely to be defensive when being approached (coffee places, malls, bookstores, etc.) and only going to bars and clubs to practice my dancing for upcoming battles and competitions.

Why has this been happening to me and what can I do to turn numbers into dates?

Call Waiting

DEAR CALL WAITING: It’s a little hard to answer questions like this without actively following you around, like a dating version of David Attenborough.

That being said, there could be a number of issues going on here.

First and foremost: if you’ve ruled out meeting women at bars, clubs, coffee shops, bookstores and other places where you fear that women may not be open to being approached and meeting people… where exactly are you meeting people that you’re having these long conversations? Location and timing can mean everything. If you’re meeting women at parties, say, you were likely not the only person who she’d been talking to. Hell, depending on the people involved, you may well not be the only person she’s given her number to that evening. If she’s been drinking, it’s possible she may not remember you all that well; now she’s getting texts from somebody who she met that she doesn’t remember and just ignores ’em.

Similarly, even if booze wasn’t involved, you may not have made that much of an impression to stand out in her memory. This is one of the reasons why I advocate using a little callback humor and teasing nicknames when you text them for the first time. “Hey Red, it’s CW from last night. I’ve decided I forgive you for insulting my shoes, but only if you admit you were wrong about Donna being the worst companion,” is more memorable – and less wishy-washy than “Hey, it’s CW from that party last night? We talked for hours about Doctor Who by the snack table and you spilled your drink on my shoes, so hey call me some time?”

You also don’t say how long you wait before calling or texting. If you wait too long (like the completely asinine “three day rule” that arose from Swingers and it’s ilk) then in all likelihood she will assume you’re not interested and have moved on. Worse, by the time you do get around to calling or texting, you’ve lost the emotional momentum and interest you’ve had and now you have to work your way back up from zero. 

Personally, I like texting (which is less intimate and lower investment, thus more likely to get a response) the same day I get a woman’s number just to keep the conversation going and her interest engaged. I don’t necessarily recommend trying to keep the conversation going well past it’s natural lifespan – that only gets awkward – but establishing contact early helps maintain the level of interest that she had initially.

Now here’s a big mistake you’re making: you’re calling more than once. Let’s be real here: yes, things can go wonky and texts and voice mails can get delayed or even lost in the ether… but it doesn’t happen regularly. Odds are that if you texted or called her, she got it. She just isn’t that interested in calling you back right then and there. Calling or texting again really isn’t going to help; if anything, it’s going to make you look needy and desperate. The best thing you can do if you’re leaving a message is to leave a hook. My favorite: “Hey $NICKNAME, it’s CW. You wouldn’t believe what happened after you left last night. Call me later.” It’s an obvious hook, but it’s going to pique her curiosity… and if she’s going to call you out on it, at least that means she’s going to call you back to do so. The only time to play phone tag is if she’s playing too. Otherwise you basically shoot yourself in the foot.

Dr. NerdLove’s rule: only one contact attempt per response. If you text her and she doesn’t text back… well, more or less time to move on. If she texts you back, then you get to volley it back to her. Again: if she doesn’t text back… ok, probably over with. OCCASIONALLY you can reinvigorate a dead or dying contact with what I call a dust-buster – something short and intriguing to shake the dust off the line and see what response you get; personally I like “Hey, I just saw your evil twin!”

All that being said: if she’s digging you when she met you, she’s going to want to call you back. If she doesn’t… well, odds are good that you didn’t do a good enough job flirting and vibing with her before you got her number.

I can’t judge how things were going by what you’ve given in this email, so I can’t tell you whether your problem is what you’re saying or how you’re saying it, but it’s entirely possible that you’re not doing as well as you’d think. In the era of caller ID and voicemail, phone numbers really don’t mean anything. Women (and guys – I’ve known plenty of dudes who’ve done this) will give out their numbers with absolutely no intention of ever picking up. This is why you should always, always make plans before you get the number. If the two of you are vibing as well as you think, then there’s no reason not to propose a date right then and there – not “hey we should hang out some time” but “You know what, I’m really enjoying talking to you. There’s this art exhibition at the McNay this weekend that I’m planning on going to and I think you would really like it. You should totally come with me.” If she’s interested, then you get the number; having definite plans means she is much more likely to pick up when you call than if you have vague, nebulous intentions of doing something maybe. You can then call to just talk, under the pretense of making arrangements.

And if you’re still unsure how to turn numbers into dates… well, then it might not be a bad idea to check out my book, “I Got Her Number… Now What?”, available in print or on Kindle via Amazon.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes discussion of familial sexual abuse.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a situation that I’m not quite sure how to handle. TL;DR: There’s a pretty heavy subject I am contemplating raising with my partner but I’m not sure how to go about it.

To explain, I (he/him) have been seeing my girlfriend since last fall. We’re both in our early 40s. Overall things have been great and we have been very good at communicating with each other. We’ve both been open about the fact that we think our relationship has long-term potential and we made the joint decision, fairly early on, to be exclusive.

About a month into things, she opened up about the fact that she was coping with some pretty significant past trauma issues. She wasn’t specific, and, to be honest, she still hasn’t really directly told me what this past trauma consists of. She’s mentioned a strained relationship with her parents, specifically her mother (I’ve met them both several times, and I get along with them really well); the way she tells it, the strain comes from them 1.) being extremely emotionally distant during her childhood (her words) and 2.) having to bail her out of some past mental health crises and losing patience with her (again, her words).

She also has an older brother (they’re a year apart in age) who lives several hours away (she and her parents live in the same town), and apparently they go through long periods of not speaking (when we started dating, she hadn’t spoken to him in almost 5 years and hadn’t seen him in 8). This is where my question/concern comes in. She’s made a lot of statements about her brother that make me wonder if this trauma is centered around him. For example, we were planning to join her parents on a trip to spend the holidays with him and his family, but at the last second she canceled the whole trip because she couldn’t find an acceptable place to stay in the area. This seemed kind of weird to me, because I’d found several possibilities, but she nixed them all for one reason or another. I could tell the trip was causing a ton of anxiety for her so I just let the whole thing drop and went with what she wanted without making a big deal out of it.

She’s also told me on more than one occasion that she has always been afraid of her brother, that growing up he had a really bad temper, and once she even commented, “When we were kids my brother would lie in wait so he could attack me.” Which… just struck me as a really strange (i.e., concerning) way to talk about their childhood conflicts. Finally, she’s also told me she’s had a recurring nightmare for several years in which her brother is sexually assaulting her.

I suppose you can guess where I’m going with this. I strongly suspect her brother has sexually assaulted her but I’m not sure how to go about asking her about this.

I’m feeling this trauma tension within our sex life. Sometimes after particularly great sex, when I’ve really felt us connect during the act, she becomes really anxious and withdrawn afterwards. This feels so much worse than if the sex was just not good, you know? I have asked her if there is anything I might be doing that makes her feel uncomfortable, or triggered, but she has always denied that, saying she feels very comfortable with me, and that she ”love[s] our sex,” but that past experiences come up sometimes that have nothing to do with me. (She put it as, “I have some issues around sex that I am still processing”).

 This has happened a few times, and I’ll be honest, it’s heartbreaking, to see her face go from pleasure to pain like that, and to know that I might be (unintentionally) the cause. I try to take her at her word, but … I still wonder if I actually am a trigger and that she doesn’t know how (or doesn’t want) to tell me.

Doc, I’m not sure how to talk to her about this because I don’t want to trigger a trauma reaction if it’s true (or even if it’s not). I should add that she does have a therapist, as do I. I guess I am just asking for your perspective on how to approach this topic with her. Is this a conversation that should maybe be had in couples counseling, rather than me try to do it on my own? And, though I’m afraid to ask, do you think this situation, if the things I suspect are true, might end up being one of those deal-breaking situations where the relationship has to end because there’s an insurmountable issue that is no one’s fault? (God, I hope not.)

Thanks for any thoughts you might have.

Untold Stories

DEAR UNTOLD STORIES: This is going to sound like a weird digression, but stick with me for a second.

I’m a fan of mysteries. TV shows, movies, novels; I love a good whodunnit, a good whydunnit and especially a howdunnit. And despite being almost dangerously genre savvy, I get the who or how wrong at least 50% of the time. The problem is… well, I’m a bit too genre savvy and I keep thinking “Nah, that can’t be where things are going, it’s gotta be more clever than that.” Except, more often than not, the author, director or showrunner isn’t creating the story for someone like me, who’s read and seen so many stories, they’re writing for a mass audience. I keep trying to be more clever than the source actually is calling for and as a result, I usually get wrapped around the axle of my pet crazy theory that ends up being completely wrong.

The reason I bring this up is because I think you’re doing the same thing; you’re taking what she’s saying and trying to make leaps based on your personal theories and not about what she’s actually told you. The problem is that because you’ve got these theories in your mind, they’re starting to affect your relationship… and to a certain extent, you’re starting to make it about you more than about her.

Let’s break down what we actually know, and then I’ll point out precisely where things are going wrong.

We know — because she told you — that your girlfriend has dealt with some pretty significant trauma. We know that she has a complicated relationship with her parents that makes it hard for her to trust them. We know that they weren’t necessarily the most affectionate or attentive, and that they treated her mental health as an inconvenience to them.

We also know that she has a strained, at best, relationship with her brother. We know her brother as aggressive towards her and possibly physically violent — not just in the way that siblings can be, but causing actual harm. We also know that she has recurring nightmares about her brother assaulting her sexually.

The part where things go wrong is where you leap from the known to speculation. And in fairness, some of what you bring up fits an all-to-familiar pattern. A survivor of familial sexual abuse, whose family either tried to ignore or deny that the abuse was happening and/or treats the victim’s trauma as an inconvenience is, unfortunately, distressingly common. But while it can feel like this is the right answer, you don’t know. You don’t know what her mental health crises were. You don’t know why she suddenly had an anxiety attack about the trip, you don’t know what her issues around sex are.

Could they be responses to sexual trauma? Sure, it’s plausible. But it’s also plausible that this could be anything from having been raped by a boyfriend, a miscarriage, or a profoundly sex-negative upbringing that left her feeling conflicted about sex and her own sexuality. Or it could even be as mundane as a relationship that went bad and she’s not entirely over it.

The problem is that you’re not just leaping to conclusions, but you’re starting to bend all the evidence towards the conclusion you’ve decided on. And, just as importantly, you’re also starting to make this more about you than about her. Because now it’s becoming about how you are triggering this and what your responsibility is in all of this and what do you need to do about it?

And here’s why that’s a problem: the way you’re going about this is effectively saying that you don’t trust your girlfriend. You aren’t trusting her girlfriend to know herself and her trauma, you apparently aren’t trusting her to tell you the truth about how she feels, and you apparently aren’t trusting her to not do something that hurts her. Because you’re more than half-convinced that she’s been molested by her brother — which, again, you don’t know — you’re actively looking for signs that things are wrong. So when she tells you that no, she thinks the sex is great, you’ve got it in the back of your mind that she’s lying to you. Because… reasons. And you’re taking on unnecessary guilt and responsibility because, well, you’ve built a narrative in your head. While it may be about her, it’s focusing on you and taking away her agency.

I mean, I’m sure you’re a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but I’m kind of doubting that you’re SO amazing that she’s going to be ok with re-traumatizing herself over and over just to keep dating you. It’s very clear that she’s put a lot of effort into dealing with her trauma and her history. You have to trust that, as a grown-ass woman, she knows what she’s doing. Especially as a grown-ass woman who is aware of her trauma, is working with a therapist and has been putting in the work to heal herself.

And not to put too fine a point on it: if we assume that she was raped by her brother, you’re falling into the trope that survivors of sexual violence are effectively made of spun glass and that the slightest thing will destroy them again. That isn’t the case in general and — again, assuming that’s what happened — it certainly isn’t the case with your girlfriend. She’s clearly stronger than you’re giving her credit for.

Plus, while it’s admirable that you worry that you may be causing her unintentional harm, asking her “hey, did your brother molest you?” isn’t the way to go about it. Even if you’re 100% correct, it’s pretty clear that she’s not ready to tell you what happened. Pushing her to tell you before she’s ready is incredibly inconsiderate at best, and potentially harmful at worst. Especially if you’re wrong.

Here’s what you do:

First: DO NOT ASK HER IF SHE WAS ABUSED BY HER BROTHER. Do not hint at it, do not ask around it or ask about her trauma. If she feels the time is right for you to know — or if she even wants to discuss it with you at all — then she’ll decide when, where and how.

Second: Trust your girlfriend to know herself well enough to take care of herself. She doesn’t need you treating her like she’s damaged or broken or fragile. She needs you to act like her partner.

Third: Be patient. If you want her to trust you and open up to you about what happened, then you’re going to need to let her do this in her own time and at her own pace. Earn her trust by proving worthy of it… and by trusting her.

Fourth: If you want to help her, then be the help she needs. Tell her “hey, if there’s anything you need from me or there’s anything I can do or you need me to do differently, then all you have to do is ask.” And keep in mind that what she is more likely to need from you is for you to just listen, without judgment, without comment or without offering solutions or ideas. Sometimes the best way you can help someone is to simply listen and believe.

Your girlfriend’s history is hers. It’s her story to tell as she chooses, or chooses not to. Trying to force the issue, even in the name of concern for her and your relationship is only going to go badly for everybody.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com