DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My brother is very anti-feminist and I (a feminist woman) hate it. Any attempts that I give to explain feminist issues to him results in him pouting and resolving that men have more disadvantages than women and that feminism is unfairly targeting men.

For example, just today he went on a rant about how extreme feminists were going to put all men in concentration camps if they ever came into power, that everything bad that’s ever happened in the world is men’s fault, that feminism does nothing but reduce all men to nothing more than violent sex-drived beasts who can’t control themselves, and on and on he went.

When I recommended he read about feminism from actual feminists he threw a fit about how he wasn’t going to understand it because men and women can’t possibly relate to each other. When I tried to read some pieces from your website about toxic masculinity to him he got angry and went on a rant about how men are basically useless and they’re easily replaced and his rants are just nasty in general.

I tried to stress to him that while I firmly believe that there are men’s issues that deserve sufficient attention and work (such as the high suicide rate for men) that there are many more female issues that deserve just as much attention and validity (like the high rate of sexual assault and murder, wage gap, lack of representation in politics and science fields, etc). He didn’t want to hear it.

He’s slowly driving me insane and I don’t know how to convey to him the relevance of feminism without having him shut down on me. Can you help me out?

Signed,

Fed up Feminist

DEAR FED UP FEMINIST: I have a couple questions for you, FuF, and I think my first is “how old is your brother?” His behavior sounds somewhere between somebody throwing a tantrum and being an a

hole for attention rather than somebody who legitimately thinks that feminism is all that’s evil in the world. I’d be curious as to how much of this are things that he honestly believes and how much is somebody trying to be a habitual line-stepper.

I’m also kinda wishing you’d used slightly less loaded language, because if he’s a grown-ass man and throwing literal fits, then I think the problem rises beyond “he’s got s

tty opinions” and more to “are we sure he’s actually in control of his actions or that he’s not a danger to himself or others?”

But let’s assume for the moment that this is more “heated discussion” and not the manosphere equivalent of somebody getting triggered by hearing the words “Niagra Falls”. Let’s further assume that these are genuine beliefs and worries, not his trying to be a troll in real life or that he’s arguing in bad faith. How do you reach somebody who seems to be that unhinged, that irrational about women, about men, about feminism and so forth?

A lot of people will want to debate them or demolish their arguments on a point by point basis. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t actually change people’s minds. In fact, challenging somebody’s beliefs — especially if they’re beliefs that are central to their identity, their concept of who they are as a person — is more likely to invoke what’s known as the Backfire Effect and make them double-down on what they already believe. When you’re arguing about something that’s central to who they are, what you’re functionally telling them is that you think they’re a bad person. Needless to say, the almost instinctive response to this isn’t to say “you know what, you’re right!”, it’s to get defensive and stop listening. They’re much more likely to get even more vehement about what they believe, if only out of pure stubbornness, than they are to listen to what you have to say.

And even if you did prove the illogic of their beliefs and point out over and over again how wrong they were so skillfully and so carefully that they couldn’t help but be convinced of the correctness of their arguments… then they aren’t going to thank you for it. You haven’t motivated them to be a different and better person, you’ve destroyed a part of who they thought they were. That’s going to leave them bitter and resentful about it.

Just as importantly however, is that you can’t logic someone out of something that they didn’t come to by logic in the first place. It’s pretty clear that your brother’s beliefs have little to do with logic and much more about emotion. The things he says aren’t logical, they’re emotional and they’re reinforced by people who play to his emotions, making arguments that feel convincing because they reinforce what he already believes. You’re not going to argue someone into not feeling things.

If you want to change his mind, if that’s even possible — and that’s a mighty big if — then you can’t argue him out of it. You have to persuade him, coax him and lead him to that conclusion… and let him feel like it was his idea in the first place. But to do that, first he has to be willing to listen.

The easiest way to do that is to ask him to explain things to you first… preferably in his own words. This part is actually surprisingly sneaky, an act of verbal jiu-jitsu. He’s expecting you to get your dander up and to yell and argue. But if you ask him to explain it to you, then you’re yanking the rug out from under him. Where he was expecting resistance, he gets… nothing. This throws him off balance. More importantly though, it forces him out of his usual patterns; now he has to actually think things through instead of throwing up the usual verbal flack, the traditional derailments and distractions. The odds are good that he’s never actually had to think about it in this way; he’s much more used to arguing in soundbites that he got from somebody else.

So the next time he starts one of these rants, ask “ok… so could you explain to me how that works?” “Why would feminists do this?” “What would be the point of it?” “How would this benefit them?” “Why would Mom/I/girl-he-knows-from-school want to go along with this?” Approach this from a position of benign confusion and wanting to have things clarified for you. The more he has to explain the reasoning behind it, the more he’s going to have to confront the fact that much of what he’s saying doesn’t make sense. This helps plant the seed of just how absurd it is without your having to say so.

Just as importantly though, by appearing to take him seriously enough to listen and ask him to explain, you’re setting a framework where you’re validating his humanity and intelligence. This makes it much easier to start establishing a sort of mutual agreement: “I think we can both agree that as a plan, rounding up men into camps would just be more trouble than it’s worth,” That phrase “we can both agree that…” is crucial; by framing things as “we are two reasonable, intelligent people,” you’re establishing this as a dialogue between equals — more partnership than antagonists. This makes him more open to listening and gives him the space to decide to change his mind instead of being told to.

As you listen, ask leading questions. Why would he assume that men and women can’t understand each other? You two seem to understand each other quite well. Why would he say that men are useless or disposable? Yeah, it’s awful that, say, men are more prone to suicide than women are. Why does he think that is? Wouldn’t it feel better if he didn’t have to pretend he was never hurt or scared or upset?

The more he’s willing to answer your questions, the more you’re able to lead him down the directions you want. What does he think the answer would be that would make things better? Why does it seem like the people who’re telling him all of this are more invested in his being angry instead of actually solving the problems? Why does it seem like they believe the worst stereotypes about men?

As the conversation goes on and his positions start to soften, then you can say “you know, I read something about this, you might find this interesting…” and then give him resources to check out as he chooses.

Here’s why this works better than arguing with him: by leading him down these paths, you’re validating a big part of his worldview: being a man can absolutely suck. The traditional ideas of what being a man is supposed to be are restrictive, toxic and have lead to pain, misery and suffering all around and it leads to men being used and exploited by other men. To paraphrase Laurie Penny: patriarchy doesn’t mean rule by men, it means rule by ‘Fathers’… and most men will never be allowed to be Fathers. Validating his world view makes the rest of the conversation less threatening to his identity. That makes it easier for him to decide to change his mind… he’s not changing his identity, just the facts that he believes in. By asking leading questions, you are giving him the space to come to conclusions on his own. It feels like he decided to do these things, instead of being browbeaten into agreement. That makes the new facts more compelling to him and more likely to stick.

Now I need to stress: this isn’t guaranteed to work. Nothing you say is going to make a difference if he’s just saying things to be a s

tty edgelord and provoke a reaction out of people. Nor is it going to lead him to change his mind if he’s having some sort of breakdown or he’s literally throwing fits. If he’s coming to this from a place of genuine pain or anger, you have a chance to help him.

But if he’s just being s

tty for the sake of being s

tty, then the only thing to do is refuse to engage at all. In that case, all you need is “I don’t want to hear about it and I don’t care,” and just shut the entire conversation down.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a big fan of yours for some time and your advice has helped me through some of my dating misadventures of the last few years.

My current issue is probably not too unfamiliar for your readers. I have a big crush on someone. We were casual acquaintances in college, and about 1.25 years ago I asked her to meet up, knowing that I had some interest in her. We’ve been meeting irregularly and getting to know each other. Recently she has been saying how much she enjoys meeting with me and we’ve picked up our text conversations since the lockdown. I know I want to see those as signs she is interested in me in a romantic fashion, but I also know my mind can make any evidence favorable when properly motivated.

Adding to this is my realization thanks to your advice what one of my biggest stumbling blocks is: I’m boring. I have a very hard time being flirtatious or playful with people I like. I get very anxious about crossing boundaries. I’m not very expressive in my speech in the everyday unless I feel comfortable with someone, and being around my crush is the opposite of comfortable, even though I really like her.

Just trying to find a way to show how I feel and express my attraction and hopefully wring a relationship out of this mess.

Thanks

Tongue Tied

DEAR TONGUE TIED: At the risk of pointing out the obvious TT: you don’t really have a problem here. It sounds to me like your biggest issue is that you’re too caught up in your own head and overthinking things.

One of the mistakes people make is that they tend to assume that there’s only one way to flirt. They see flirting as a specific process, one that looks exactly like, say, George Clooney seducing Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight or the witty banter of Nick and Nora Charles or the joking style of Will Smith or Ryan Reynolds. In reality, there are as many ways of flirting as there are people. At its core, flirting is simply communicating to somebody that you are attracted to them and like them as more than just a platonic friend. For some people, that means banter and jokes. For others, that means physical touch and connection. For still others, it’s a declaration of interest, telling someone why you like them or how enchanted you are by them.

The way you flirt is going to be as individual as you are, and finding your flirting style simply means finding the way of expressing interest that is most congruent with who you are as a person.

The problem you seem to have is that you don’t believe that your friend could actually like you… all evidence to the contrary. The fact that you met up frequently before the lockdown, that your text conversations have continued since and she’s telling you how much she enjoys seeing you? I mean… I guess she could hire a plane to fly a banner saying “ASK ME OUT, YOU FOOL” over your house if she wanted to be a little more obvious about it, but that might seem a little gauche.

The easiest way to find out if she’s interested is simply ask her out on a date. Now, considering that we’re in the era of social distancing and self-isolation, traditional dates are going to be off the table for a while. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t tell her that you like her, that you’d like to go on a date and see where things go. I recently released a workshop on dating during the COVID-19 pandemic, which you can find over on my YouTube channel. I suggest you check it out; I give a number of ideas for potential dates that you can have via Skype or FaceTime. One date idea that can be fun is to cook a meal together. Set up your laptop or your tablet in the kitchen, open a video chat and the two of you try cooking the same meal… just in your own houses. It’s a way of capturing the feel of preparing a romantic, candlelit dinner together, even if you can’t be there physically. It’s fun, it’s unique and even the potential for mistakes adds to the enjoyment as long as the two of you can laugh it off.

But none of this can happen unless you use your words. They don’t have to be flowery or silly or witty; you just have to make it clear that you like her as more than a friend and want to possibly pursue a relationship. And honestly… I think she’d be very interested in that.

Meanwhile, as a word of advice: part of how you make sure that you don’t cross someone’s boundaries without wracking yourself in anxiety: pay attention to her comfort. If she starts getting uncomfortable, apologize and dial it back. A simple apology and not making the same mistake again will keep you from being a creeper. And if you’re worried that you don’t know whether something is too far — making a flirty or slightly sexual joke, for example — then give her room to decide where the line is. If you metaphorically lean forward 40%, you give her the opportunity to either take it the rest of the way, or to leave things where they are.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Big fan of your work. Really interesting social insights on modern courtship that goes beyond fallacy-riddled generalizations the average internet user is prone to believe and spread around. 

I’m writing this hoping to get some advice from you about this person at work who I’m having a “unique” case of Oneitis on. I say “unique” because all I’m really after is a physical relationship, and not even an exclusive one at that.

Short history; I met her a few years back in a language class I was taking before I entered this new company. She didn’t really stand out then, as she was always tired from work and wasn’t really participating in that class anyway and I was pursuing someone else at the time. That didn’t work out, by the way, and I’m still single up to this day. After that I was surprised to find out we were going into the same company. 

Fast forward a few months later and I was working with her almost everyday. Tried flirting, even spent some after-work time with her and with another friend. After that she was cool enough to clarify that she wasn’t looking for a relationship. That was my first time being active compared to the old style of just hoping fate would hand me a relationship, so I had to deal with the rejection, which in retrospect was not the worst way anyone can reject someone. I got over it, did some introspection, pursued some other interests while still continuing work with her.

That’s when I realized there was little chemistry to make it work as a standard relationship in the first place anyway and I was just intensely curious on what a physical relationship with her would be like because she hits all my major ‘characteristics I’m physically attracted to’. To sum things up bluntly: she makes me really horny. I totally own my desires, even if it all just looks like fodder for the ‘the power of boners are strong’ stereotype. Of course I’m aware this could be something to consult with mental health professionals with but beside wanking off occasionally it’s not getting in the way of work or social interactions. I did stop the flirting after she told me she wasn’t interested and backed off trying to act normal work. Of course, I can’t dismiss the notion I’m only seeing her not as a person, but as someone to be sexual object and that’s just sad for everyone.

What do you think, doc? Is it worth clarifying the relationship I’m interested in or should I let this one go? How do you usually deal with these kinds of desires

Yours truly,

Jalapeño Horndog

DEAR JALAPEÑO HORNDOG: Here’s the thing, JH: if there’s not enough chemistry to make a romantic relationship work, then there’s almost certainly not enough to make a sexual one work. While asexuals and demisexuals certainly exist, it’s a safe assumption that the former is going to come bundled with the latter.

But in this case, there just wasn’t any interest there, period.

If her objection was at having a romantic relationship but she was interested in having a purely physical one with you, she would’ve given you the heads up. “I’m just not looking for a relationship” almost always comes with an unspoken “with you” appended to the end. It’s a softer way of saying that she’s not romantically or sexually attracted to you without being rude or confrontational about it.

Your being attracted to her is perfectly normal. But as I’m often saying: attraction isn’t a commandment. You can be turned on by someone and not do anything about it. You can fantasize about someone all you want, but otherwise you need to let this one go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am not sure how to address this problem and I am hoping that you can offer guidance.

I am a single retired male in my 60s. I live alone and have never been married. I would like to date and I would like to be in a relationship. However, sexually ….. I am not able. No, not even with blue pills.

So my question is at what point in a relationship should I bring up this topic? Certainly not when I am introduced, certainly not after we are married.

I want very much to be in a committed long term romantic relationship. I would feel very uncomfortable getting deep enough into a relationship that sex is about to happen, and then stop and explain and apologize and leave her unsatisfied and confused and probable angry at me.

I don’t know how or when to bring this up. It is stopping me from even trying to find someone and I am here by myself unhappily alone.

Your advice would be appreciated.

Thank you very much.

Lacking Important Marital Possibility

DEAR LACKING IMPORTANT MARITAL POSSIBILITY: Erectile dysfunction can be a motherf

ker, LIMP, not going to lie. One of the toxic tropes about manhood and masculinity is that men are satyrs, ready to bang at the drop of a hat. We’re supposed to be so continually hornt that a strong breeze is enough to get us harder than Chinese trigonometry, ready to go with absolutely no warning. So when you don’t, or can’t, rise to the occasion, it can feel like a direct assault on your identity as a man. It can screw with your sense of self-esteem, your belief in your value as a man and even make you feel as though love, dating and relationships are simply not in the cards.

What we rarely talk about is not just how common erectile dysfunction can be, but how easily it can be triggered. Dicks are like Pavarotti: if things aren’t perfect, they often don’t want to perform as expected, and the things that can affect a person’s erections are vast and varied. Alcohol is the most obvious — damn near everyone has either heard of or experienced the dreaded “whiskey dick” phenomenon before. Stress is another potential boner-killer. So too are issues with blood pressure, weight gain, cigarette smoking, hormone imbalances, prostate issues and a large number of commonly prescribed medications.

In your case, LIMP, if medication like Viagra or Cialis can’t resolve the issue, then it’s likely that you have structural problem. It might be a case of damage to the spongy tissues around the penis, an inability to get sufficient blood flow to cause and maintain an erection, even prostate surgery. This doesn’t necessarily mean that erections are permanently off the table, ranging from using a cock-ring to keep the blood flow from leaving the tissue in your penis to surgical implants — all options that you would have to discuss with a urologist, not a loudmouth with an advice column. However, the fact that you can’t get an erection doesn’t mean that sex and relationships are off the table for you. After all, plenty of folks without penises — men and women — have loving, fulfilling and sexually active relationships… and you can too. Yes, even if erections are physically impossible for you.

The first step is to adjust your ideas around sex. You, like a lot of folks, are equating sex with penetrative intercourse — particularly penis-in-vagina penetration. While this is the most commonly accepted definition of sex, it’s also the most limiting. Sex, especially good sex, is far more about “Insert tab-A into slot-b, repeat”. In fact, penetration is often the least effective way to please a female partner; less than a third of women can reach orgasm through vaginal penetration and 45% of women can’t orgasm from vaginal sex at all. This is no small part of why fewer than 2/3rds of hetero or bi women achieve orgasm via penetrative sex, while 98% of straight, cis-gendered men do. Taking the emphasis off penetration on the other hand, changes the equation entirely; 88% of women who sleep with other women reach orgasm regularly. The difference is that in those encounters, there’s an emphasis on foreplay, deep full kissing, manual stimulation and oral sex… all things that you’re perfectly capable of providing, LIMP. If you’ve got a mouth, hands, a can-do attitude and a willingness to follow directions, you’ve got everything that you need to be an incredible lover for any of the women you ever date.

And penetrative sex isn’t necessarily off the table either. You may not be able to achieve penetration with your biological penis, LIMP, but there are plenty of substitutes out there that you can employ instead. Sex toys — starting with simple vibrators and dildos — can provide the penetrative sex that your partner may want. And if you both want that old-school sensation of body-to-body thrusting, there’re harnesses designed for men that let you situate a strap-on toy over your groin; put that sucker on and you don’t just have a cock that’ll never go soft on you, you can custom-fit it to the needs of the evening. Does your partner want something long and girthy for that “incredibly full sensation”? Those are available. Does she want something designed to stimulate her clitoris during penetration? Those are ready and waiting for you. Hell, you can even get crazy, non-human toys from companies like Bad Dragon in case you and your lady friend feel like getting a little freaky.

Nor does your inability to achieve erection mean that YOU can’t have orgasms either. Digital stimulation of the prostate gland — whether with a well-lubed finger or a prostate massager — can help you reach orgasm and ejaculation, even if you can’t physically have an erection. Plus, there are toys like the Pulse Solo or Duo, which are designed to be used with a flaccid penis; they use vibrations to stimulate the frenulum on the underside of the penis. The Duo even comes with a remote control, allowing your partner to be directly involved with your orgasm.

And while we’ve focused on how sex isn’t an impossibility for you, there are people who have romantic relationships without sex. Many people, especially older couples, have companionate marriages; their relationships are about love and companionship and emotional intimacy, but don’t have a sexual connection. These are a perfectly valid and satisfactory relationship model for more people than you’d realize. They might have an open marriage, where one or both parties are allowed to seek outside sex partners, or one or both partners may fall on the asexual spectrum and simply aren’t interested in sex. Asexual women do exist, after all, and many of them despair of finding love, companionship and marriage because they don’t want or like sex.

But regardless of the options that work best for you and your needs, none of this can happen without your using your words first. You’re going to need to be willing to talk with your potential partners about what you do and don’t have to offer, what you need and what you can provide them. The ideal time is going to depend on the relationship and the person involved. This isn’t a conversation that I would roll out on the first date, but it’s not one I would necessarily hesitate on. My rule of thumb would be that you would want to have a couple of dates first before bringing up the subject. This gives you and your date an opportunity to get to know each other, decide if you have sufficient chemistry and interest and, importantly, decide if this is a relationship you even want to pursue in the first place.

If you both decide this is something you’d want to pursue, that’s when you have The Awkward Conversation. Schedule a time for the two of you to get together in person, when you won’t be interrupted, then sit down and explain your situation in a calm and matter-of-fact manner. Tell her exactly what’s going on — you’re not capable of having erections — but also what you can do, the kinds of sex you can have and enjoy having. Then give her a chance to share her side. Let her ask questions, share what her needs, must-haves and boundaries are… then move forward from there.

What you don’t want to do is roll this out as though you were broken or to treat this as something shameful or a deep dark secret. The fact that you can’t have erections isn’t something to be embarrassed about, nor is it the totality of who you are as a person. It’s just a single fact, a datum in the constellation of you as a hollistic man. If any potential partner finds that one thing about you to be a dealbreaker, then all that’s happened is that she’s proven to be someone who simply isn’t right for you. She’s self-selected out of your dating pool and now you’re free to find someone who is a good match for you.

Oh, and one more thing, LIMP: I think it might not be a bad idea for you to seek out an escort or sexual surrogate. Visiting a sex worker or surrogate who are experienced in non-penetrative sex can help you get in touch with the kinds of sexual experiences that you enjoy and would want to have with your future partner. Having a good understanding of what you want or enjoy makes it easier to share your needs with the women you want to date. Being able to walk them through what sex with you would look like from a position of experience can help make that conversation easier. It’s a little less intimidating if your partner can say “here’s exactly how we can do X, Y or Z” instead of worrying that you’re going to have to try to make it up as you go.

I realize it can feel overwhelming or hopeless, but you have far more options and opportunities than you realize. There are some amazing adventures and relationships waiting for you, LIMP; all you have to do is reach out for them.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com