DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am not sure how to address this problem and I am hoping that you can offer guidance.

I am a single retired male in my 60s. I live alone and have never been married. I would like to date and I would like to be in a relationship. However, sexually ….. I am not able. No, not even with blue pills.

So my question is at what point in a relationship should I bring up this topic? Certainly not when I am introduced, certainly not after we are married.

I want very much to be in a committed long term romantic relationship. I would feel very uncomfortable getting deep enough into a relationship that sex is about to happen, and then stop and explain and apologize and leave her unsatisfied and confused and probable angry at me.

I don’t know how or when to bring this up. It is stopping me from even trying to find someone and I am here by myself unhappily alone.

Your advice would be appreciated.

Thank you very much.

Lacking Important Marital Possibility

DEAR LACKING IMPORTANT MARITAL POSSIBILITY: Erectile dysfunction can be a motherf

ker, LIMP, not going to lie. One of the toxic tropes about manhood and masculinity is that men are satyrs, ready to bang at the drop of a hat. We’re supposed to be so continually hornt that a strong breeze is enough to get us harder than Chinese trigonometry, ready to go with absolutely no warning. So when you don’t, or can’t, rise to the occasion, it can feel like a direct assault on your identity as a man. It can screw with your sense of self-esteem, your belief in your value as a man and even make you feel as though love, dating and relationships are simply not in the cards.

What we rarely talk about is not just how common erectile dysfunction can be, but how easily it can be triggered. Dicks are like Pavarotti: if things aren’t perfect, they often don’t want to perform as expected, and the things that can affect a person’s erections are vast and varied. Alcohol is the most obvious — damn near everyone has either heard of or experienced the dreaded “whiskey dick” phenomenon before. Stress is another potential boner-killer. So too are issues with blood pressure, weight gain, cigarette smoking, hormone imbalances, prostate issues and a large number of commonly prescribed medications.

In your case, LIMP, if medication like Viagra or Cialis can’t resolve the issue, then it’s likely that you have structural problem. It might be a case of damage to the spongy tissues around the penis, an inability to get sufficient blood flow to cause and maintain an erection, even prostate surgery. This doesn’t necessarily mean that erections are permanently off the table, ranging from using a cock-ring to keep the blood flow from leaving the tissue in your penis to surgical implants — all options that you would have to discuss with a urologist, not a loudmouth with an advice column. However, the fact that you can’t get an erection doesn’t mean that sex and relationships are off the table for you. After all, plenty of folks without penises — men and women — have loving, fulfilling and sexually active relationships… and you can too. Yes, even if erections are physically impossible for you.

The first step is to adjust your ideas around sex. You, like a lot of folks, are equating sex with penetrative intercourse — particularly penis-in-vagina penetration. While this is the most commonly accepted definition of sex, it’s also the most limiting. Sex, especially good sex, is far more about “Insert tab-A into slot-b, repeat”. In fact, penetration is often the least effective way to please a female partner; less than a third of women can reach orgasm through vaginal penetration and 45% of women can’t orgasm from vaginal sex at all. This is no small part of why fewer than 2/3rds of hetero or bi women achieve orgasm via penetrative sex, while 98% of straight, cis-gendered men do. Taking the emphasis off penetration on the other hand, changes the equation entirely; 88% of women who sleep with other women reach orgasm regularly. The difference is that in those encounters, there’s an emphasis on foreplay, deep full kissing, manual stimulation and oral sex… all things that you’re perfectly capable of providing, LIMP. If you’ve got a mouth, hands, a can-do attitude and a willingness to follow directions, you’ve got everything that you need to be an incredible lover for any of the women you ever date.

And penetrative sex isn’t necessarily off the table either. You may not be able to achieve penetration with your biological penis, LIMP, but there are plenty of substitutes out there that you can employ instead. Sex toys — starting with simple vibrators and dildos — can provide the penetrative sex that your partner may want. And if you both want that old-school sensation of body-to-body thrusting, there’re harnesses designed for men that let you situate a strap-on toy over your groin; put that sucker on and you don’t just have a cock that’ll never go soft on you, you can custom-fit it to the needs of the evening. Does your partner want something long and girthy for that “incredibly full sensation”? Those are available. Does she want something designed to stimulate her clitoris during penetration? Those are ready and waiting for you. Hell, you can even get crazy, non-human toys from companies like Bad Dragon in case you and your lady friend feel like getting a little freaky.

Nor does your inability to achieve erection mean that YOU can’t have orgasms either. Digital stimulation of the prostate gland — whether with a well-lubed finger or a prostate massager — can help you reach orgasm and ejaculation, even if you can’t physically have an erection. Plus, there are toys like the Pulse Solo or Duo, which are designed to be used with a flaccid penis; they use vibrations to stimulate the frenulum on the underside of the penis. The Duo even comes with a remote control, allowing your partner to be directly involved with your orgasm.

And while we’ve focused on how sex isn’t an impossibility for you, there are people who have romantic relationships without sex. Many people, especially older couples, have companionate marriages; their relationships are about love and companionship and emotional intimacy, but don’t have a sexual connection. These are a perfectly valid and satisfactory relationship model for more people than you’d realize. They might have an open marriage, where one or both parties are allowed to seek outside sex partners, or one or both partners may fall on the asexual spectrum and simply aren’t interested in sex. Asexual women do exist, after all, and many of them despair of finding love, companionship and marriage because they don’t want or like sex.

But regardless of the options that work best for you and your needs, none of this can happen without your using your words first. You’re going to need to be willing to talk with your potential partners about what you do and don’t have to offer, what you need and what you can provide them. The ideal time is going to depend on the relationship and the person involved. This isn’t a conversation that I would roll out on the first date, but it’s not one I would necessarily hesitate on. My rule of thumb would be that you would want to have a couple of dates first before bringing up the subject. This gives you and your date an opportunity to get to know each other, decide if you have sufficient chemistry and interest and, importantly, decide if this is a relationship you even want to pursue in the first place.

If you both decide this is something you’d want to pursue, that’s when you have The Awkward Conversation. Schedule a time for the two of you to get together in person, when you won’t be interrupted, then sit down and explain your situation in a calm and matter-of-fact manner. Tell her exactly what’s going on — you’re not capable of having erections — but also what you can do, the kinds of sex you can have and enjoy having. Then give her a chance to share her side. Let her ask questions, share what her needs, must-haves and boundaries are… then move forward from there.

What you don’t want to do is roll this out as though you were broken or to treat this as something shameful or a deep dark secret. The fact that you can’t have erections isn’t something to be embarrassed about, nor is it the totality of who you are as a person. It’s just a single fact, a datum in the constellation of you as a hollistic man. If any potential partner finds that one thing about you to be a dealbreaker, then all that’s happened is that she’s proven to be someone who simply isn’t right for you. She’s self-selected out of your dating pool and now you’re free to find someone who is a good match for you.

Oh, and one more thing, LIMP: I think it might not be a bad idea for you to seek out an escort or sexual surrogate. Visiting a sex worker or surrogate who are experienced in non-penetrative sex can help you get in touch with the kinds of sexual experiences that you enjoy and would want to have with your future partner. Having a good understanding of what you want or enjoy makes it easier to share your needs with the women you want to date. Being able to walk them through what sex with you would look like from a position of experience can help make that conversation easier. It’s a little less intimidating if your partner can say “here’s exactly how we can do X, Y or Z” instead of worrying that you’re going to have to try to make it up as you go.

I realize it can feel overwhelming or hopeless, but you have far more options and opportunities than you realize. There are some amazing adventures and relationships waiting for you, LIMP; all you have to do is reach out for them.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m looking for advice because although I’m not 40 years old, I will be next year and I’m dealing with a problem I’ve been avoiding most of my life and I’m starting to realize that if I don’t address it now I will be alone forever.

The actual status of being a virgin doesn’t bother me so much as not being able to get started. I’ve somehow gone 39 years on this planet not being able to form a single relationship with another woman. I’ve never been on a date in my life, I’ve faced rejection all my life and sometime in my early 30’s, I just stopped. I wish I could adhere to the “Never give up” philosophy but the truth is that after a lifetime of failures and not a single success to latch onto, I don’t know any other way and I just stopped. I’m tired of being rejected, of being unwanted, dating and relationships became something other people did and I need not concern myself with it.

Now as I’m approaching my 40’s I’m facing the problem of loneliness and not being able to take action when I think I might actually have a shot with someone.

I’ve been crushing hard on a female friend and I don’t know how to handle it. She confides in me, she inspires me and I’m fairly certain she wants me to make a move on her but I just can’t. I’m quiet and mostly keep to myself but she approaches me and even offers to drive me home sometimes and isn’t repulsed if I ask for a hug. I’m confident at least that she likes me as a friend but I’m paralyzed with doubt and fear. I’ve told myself for 2 years this is just some infatuation, I’m crushing on a woman because someone finally started giving me attention and is being friendly and I’m being ridiculous. I tried to wait it out and let the feelings die like these intense feelings usually do, but this isn’t going away and she opens up more and more about her struggles to connect with people and start a relationship due to only being in 1 LTR in her life, if only she knew……

The more I think about it, the more I convince myself to just say something and ask her out or tell her how I feel, the more I realize that I’m just scared. I’m scared of rejection, I’m scared of her getting a boyfriend and yet would feel relief if that happened. But mostly, I think I’m scared she will say yes. Then I will have to spend time with someone and it’s all uncharted territory. I’ve never dated before at all. I went to some bars and clubs in my early 20s with friends and it was among the worst experiences in my life. I’m not social and she is among the few friends I have. I don’t know where to go, what to say, what to wear, what to do, and most of all, just being vulnerable and opening up to someone is terrifying. The anxiety is overwhelming and I find the best recourse is just to avoid her until I’ve cooled down and I’m almost certain if she has feelings for me she must feel awful if I’m never acting on them.

So yeah, whatever advice you can give, I’d love to hear it. All I know is that I have to do something soon because if I don’t, nothing will ever change.

Untouched at 40

DEAR UNTOUCHED AT 40: I suspect the biggest issue you have is one of deservedness, Ua40. A lot of folks, especially late bloomers like yourself, tend to have a hard time in believing that they’re someone who deserves a relationship. The logic — such as it is — tends to be an assumption that if they were worthy of a woman’s time, attention and affection, it would’ve happened by now. Since it hasn’t… well, it must be a sign that there’s something wrong with them.

In reality though, it’s nothing of the sort. More often than not, the thing that holds people back is fear. Not just fear of rejection — which feels obvious — but also fear of success. It sounds absurd; why would someone be afraid of getting what they want? But the thing is: as long as something is only a fantasy or only potential, then you can’t screw it up. A fantasy can be as perfect as you want it to be. Potential means that it could be EVERYTHING and ANYTHING; making it real means that you might make mistakes and have it all fall apart on you.

This is in no small part why some guys end up with crushes on people that either they never ask out on a date or who they know to be unavailable; it’s easier to stick with the known, even when it’s painful, than to try to live up to your fantasies or ambitions.

At the same time, that lack of deservedness can cause you to end up with crushes on people for the wrong reasons. When you feel like nobody could possibly like you or that you’re not “worthy” of love, sex or relationships, it’s incredibly easy to latch onto anyone who shows you a little affection or interest. It becomes almost a recipe for heartbreak because you crave something so badly that the hint of it makes you overlook issues like basic compatibility or mistake platonic affection for romantic affection.

And y’know, I get it, especially the sense of knowing nothing but rejection. That can be incredibly disheartening. And while my general philosophy of rejection is that many — if not most — of the time, rejection has nothing to do with you as a person, sometimes that rejection is a sign that it’s time to do things differently. If you’ve been approaching meeting women and dating the same way and getting the same results… well, sometimes that means you have to take a look at your approach, at all the commonalities and decide to make changes.

Now for you, part of what I would suggest would be to find a counselor or therapist. The fear and anxiety you have is the sort of thing that’s best handled by talking things out with a trained professional, not just a loudmouth with an advice column. But another part of what I would suggest is being willing to go back to first principles and work on not just yourself but your perception of yourself. Who you are as a person doesn’t necessarily need to change, but how you see yourself does. Many times, the reason why guys struggle with dating isn’t because they lack the skill or the courage to date but because they don’t let themselves do what they’re truly capable of.

Part of what people think works about things like pick-up artists or The Red Pill or other systems that teach you how to date and meet women isn’t inherent to the system. It’s not that, for example, Mystery’s advice to dress weird was making people more attractive or that using pre-scripted material made you a more interesting person. What it was almost always doing was forcing you out of your comfort zone and into doing things that you might never otherwise do. Peacocking didn’t make you more attractive, it forced you to think differently about how you dress and to try things that would otherwise be “out of character” for you. Canned material didn’t substitute for a personality, it just gave you the feeling that you could talk to women. Even bulls

t ideas like negging or attitudes about “being alpha” were functionally about getting you to behave differently than you would otherwise.

In a very real way, a lot of pick-up et. al. was the sociological equivalent of Dumbo’s magic feather; it didn’t actually work, it just gave you permission to do things differently and finally discover your true capabilities.

Now here’s the thing: feeling like you have that permission and those capabilities will actually ease your anxiety. Feeling capable, feeling like you have the capacity and ability to succeed gives you a sense of control and agency, which in turn, helps give you a sense of certainty. Part of why you’re so anxious around your crush is because of the ambiguity of the situation; she’s both potential love and potential rejection. Being unable to resolve that sense of “what if” is what’s preying on your mind and on your calm. Getting an answer one way or another — even if it’s a “no” — would end the ambiguity and chaos and give you certainty. A “no, thank you” wouldn’t be the result you would hope for… but it would mean that you would have an answer and you’d be able to move forward.

And honestly, the longer you let situations like this go on, the more anxiety-producing they become. The more time goes by, the more you are invested in the outcome, which means that you’re also making yourself more afraid of a potential “no”.  And now you’re stuck between the fear of success, the fear of rejection and the anxiety of the uncertainty between the two.

So while I strongly suggest that you find a counselor to talk out some of your issues, I think it’s also time to start resolving to act out of character and force yourself out of your comfort zone, so you can finally unlock your true potential.

Part of that would be to take inventory and ask yourself: in an ideal world, what would you be like? How would you act, how would you dress, how would you feel about yourself? Then, as you list these qualities, start to brainstorm ways that you can incorporate them into your life now, instead of waiting for the day when you’re “allowed” to feel, dress or act that way. The more you work to manifest your ideal self now, the more you begin the transformation that will help you change your life for the better.

Another, and possibly more crucial part of making that change will be to internalize one of the lessons that Carrie Fisher left us with: “be afraid… but do it anyway”. It’s ok to be scared or to be afraid of rejection. But the truth of the matter is that the fear of rejection is more painful and more debilitating than the rejection itself. Risking rejection right away lessens the impact it has on you because you haven’t given it time to build and build until it becomes a giant monolithic entity that always lurks in the back of your mind.

And when it has already become this monster in your life? Then the key is to finally face it and get your resolution, so that the ambiguity doesn’t prey upon you the way that it does now. Even being told “no” is better than letting the fear build. While being rejected may hurt, getting that no and facing that pain will do two things.

First: you’ll realize that rejection may suck, but it won’t kill you. You WILL survive it.

Second: by getting rejected, you’ll finally be able to start to heal and move forward.

Resolving that ambiguity will mean that you won’t feel as anxious around your friend because you will finally have an answer. And if that answer is “no”, then you’ll finally be able to heal and move forward with your head held high because you had the guts to do the thing that terrified you. There is honor in that, and you will know more of what you’re truly capable of accomplishing.

That’s why asking your friend out on a date would be a start to transforming yourself into the man you can be. Tell her this:  “Hey, I really enjoy hanging out with you and talking with you and I love our friendship. But I’d also like to take you out on an actual date and see if there’s something more there. If you’re not interested, it’s totally cool to say so; I’m just as happy being your friend.”

You will stammer. You’ll feel your heart pound. But just by asking her, you will have started the process that will transform you. Simply asking the question — a seemingly tiny gesture — is your first step towards a better life. You will have proven that you can do things differently and challenged your limitations. Whether the answer is yes or no, you will have forced yourself outside of your self-imposed limits and put yourself on the path to make your life better. Because you’re right: you need to do things differently, or nothing will ever change.

And even if you crash and burn… well, the phoenix has to burn before it can soar as its true self.

You are untapped potential, Ua40. You are braver than you give yourself credit for, you’re stronger than you know and you’re capable of far more than you’ve ever believed. You just have to reach for it.

It’s time to let go of your earthly tethers and fly.

You can win if you dare.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wanted to know what you thought and would advise regarding how to recover from a break up during this COVID-19 pandemic (or other scenarios where you’re not able to go out and meet new people). A few day ago I had to cut things with a girl I was seeing since November. I didn’t want to, but there was a lack of effort to communicate and I was putting in all the effort. After having it met with the equivalent of banging one’s head against the wall, I was left with no choice but to do what’s best for me. As productive as that sounds it’s still hard because as of now we’re in a curfew state with business and activity areas to meet new people are shutdown so now I’m stuck missing what I lost but don’t have a way to get past it. Yes I’m working on myself with studying more, picking up guitar again, and practicing new art skills but being solo doesn’t take my head off it.

I know there’s probably a video you have on the breakup and there’s a video on what you can do during the pandemic but I wondered if there was a new type of thought process for when it’s both out together.

Thanks for listening and having an awesome channel and podcast,

Life Under Quarantine

DEAR LIFE UNDER QUARANTINE: I do, in fact, have a video about getting over your break up over on my YouTube channel, LUQ and I think it would be helpful for you to watch it. It’ll explain a little about what’s going on and why you’re having a difficult time getting your mind off of your ex.

Part of the reason why people — guys, especially — have a hard time getting over break ups is because love isn’t just emotional; it’s also chemical. When we’re with our partner, our brains are generating large amounts of dopamine and oxytocin — the “cuddle” chemical that encourages things like social bonding, sexual arousal and romantic connections. Those chemicals hit the pleasure centers of your brain just so and make you crave more. This is part of why, for example, we want to spend all of our time with a new partner; we are, literally, addicted to them because we’re getting huge doses of feel-good brain drugs.

When we break up with someone, we’re suddenly cut off from that source, and our brains want it back… badly. This is why it can often be so hard to stop thinking about our exes or wanting them back, even if we know that the relationship was toxic or that there were very good reasons why the relationship had to end.

This is why part of the key to getting over someone is to find a new source or sources of oxytocin. This is part of why we have the old saw of “get over someone by getting under someone else”; since oxytocin is most readily generated through sex and physical touch, sex with someone new is a quick and easy way to find new sources of oxytocin, as well as validation that yes other people desire you and that there are other people out there.

Of course, sex isn’t the only way of finding new sources of oxytocin, it’s simply the most socially acceptable for guys. Part of the reason why women often have an easier time getting over an ex then men do is because men as a gender are incredibly touch-deprived. It’s socially acceptable for women to seek reassurance — including physical contact, like hugging — from their friends in times of need. Men are cut off from that source of reassurance because we equate physical contact with sexual contact, just as we associate emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy. It’s a classic case of toxic masculinity ruining the party once again.

But there are ways around this and getting the need for physical touch met, even without sexual contact. Massage, for example, is a great way to soothe the body, ease the cortisol that comes from emotional stress and gain a source of oxytocin by having one’s touch needs met. So too are various forms of social dancing, particularly Latin and ballroom dancing.

However, we’re all also under quarantine thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic… which has made it difficult to access those forms of physical contact and the associated generation of oxytocin.

But “difficult” isn’t the same as “impossible”.

The key is that you need to start getting creative and working with the tools that you have available to you.

Start by connecting with your friends. While physical touch and sex are the most obvious sources for oxytocin, we also generate oxytocin through laughter and conversation. Reaching out to your friends, having virtual hang-outs and happy-hours not only helps you feel less alone, but also encourages sharing, socializing and laughter — all of which help generate oxytocin in the brain. Get your buddies together and use an extension like NetflixParty, TwoSeven or apps like Zoom to watch movies — especially dumb action flicks or your favorite comedies.

And while you may not be able to touch another person right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t find other sources of touch and comfort. If you have the space, the finances and your lease allows it, now is a great time to foster a cat or dog. The shelters in your area need to find foster homes during the shut-down, especially if your state or city has a shelter-in-place order. Having a new furry friend in your life not only gives you company and cuddles, it also gives you purpose, direction and allows you to do some much-needed good for others. Not only will this help distract you from missing your ex, it’ll give you something concrete that you can point to and say “by doing this, I’m doing something to make the world a little better.”

And you should also date.

Yes, I know. We’re all under lockdown. But you may have noticed that the dating apps aren’t shut down. People are still talking, swiping and matching. Since you can’t be with each other physically right now, talking, Skype and texting — all opportunities for laughter and good conversation — are going to be of much higher importance. And if things go well, sex is still on the table. Phone sex, sexting, cam sessions via Skype or FaceTime… these are all ways that you can connect with others sexually, even if you can’t be there in the flesh. It’s not quite the same as an old-fashioned in-person hook-up, but it will have much the same effect. That validation of your desirability as a partner, the sexual connection with others and the reminder that your ex wasn’t the only woman in the world are all still available to you. You may have to be creative about it… but what’s a quarantine good for if not learning how to try new and different things?

I’m not gonna lie; it’s a rough time right now. But that doesn’t mean that the world has come to a halt. We’re still living, we’re still loving and still moving forward. Take the time to heal and connect with others — platonically as well as romantically.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com