DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 26 years old and am having what you could call a romantic dry spell.

I met my first girlfriend at 21 years old and we dated for about 11 months. After we broke up you could say that I deviated from my authentic personality and in an attempt to appear more manly engaged in some toxic masculine behavior which wasn’t me.

This helped me get a few hookups and some superficial “relationships/flings” which didn’t last more than a few months. I have no interest in getting back with her, but I want to meet someone new so badly. The problem is that since it’s been so long since I’ve had a long-term relationship, the process of getting into one seems so foreign to me now. My main question is how do I go about courting a new girl for a relationship after being out of the game for so long? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Sincerely

Confused and Frustrated

DEAR CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED: I get where you’re coming from, CaF. You did the thing a lot of folks do after a break-up, especially one that really hurt: you went on something of a f

kboy bender. You decided to try on a different role and personality for a bit, let yourself be a bit more self-involved and focused on putting up a “f

k you, you can’t hurt me because I don’t care” front. Honestly, that’s more common than you’d realize, especially among the young. There’s a certain push to say “well, you need to act like this” and chase after things that you were told you were supposed to want. And, like a lot of people, you realized that all those “rewards” you were promised were not only what they were made out to be, but they weren’t going to be delivered the way you were told. 

Now you’re back and you’re ready to get back to your authentic self… and now you’re feeling like you’ve been in that other world for so long, you don’t know how to act in this one.

But the fact of the matter is that you get into committed, long term relationships the same way you get into casual ones. You meet people. You flirt. Maybe you start off going on actual dates. Maybe you start off with a fling — even a one night stand. It doesn’t matter, because how you start the relationship is a detail, not destiny. Starting things with an eye towards marriage, 2.5 kids and 1.88 cars is no more of a guarantee of success than going home with someone you met that night is a guarantee of failure. Plenty of life-long marriages started with a one-night fling that just never ended.

The difference between a relationship that stays casual and one that becomes more committed is simply communication. As you and your partner get to know each other, as you grow to trust each other and spend time together, you’ll start having a better idea as to whether this person is right for you.  If you decide that they are, then you and your partner have the Defining The Relationship Talk where you lay out exactly what it is that you want. If you want something exclusive or long term or with an eye towards marriage, then say so. Set aside time and say “Hey, I really like what we have and I want to know if we’re on the same page about where this relationship is going.” Tell her what you would want in an ideal world, where you’d like to see the two of you going and how you want to get there.

Or, at least, that’s how it would be if we weren’t in the middle of a global pandemic. Unfortunately, COVID-19 means that dating has changed for now, and we have to adapt with it.

But in its own, f

ked up way, this can be a blessing in disguise for you, CaF. Right now we’re in a point in time and history when casual hook-ups and flings really can’t exist. With the pandemic continuing and everyone having to self-isolate and maintain social distancing, we can’t really have casual or superficial relationships. Most of those can only exist at a time when physical chemistry and really good sex allow you to paper over the various cracks and incompatibilities that end up driving people apart. Relationships that shallow simply aren’t going to have the foundation needed to survive when you only have emotional chemistry to rely on. If you don’t have the shared values, the common interests and compatible goals as well as that good f

kin’, the two of you are going to drift apart like ships in different currents.

We’re in an era of mandatory courtship, where we have to go into new relationships deliberately and with intent. If we’re approaching people on dating apps, we’re doing so with an eye towards the long term because hey, we have no idea how long social distancing will last. So for the immediate future, we’re in a period of having to get to know our potential partners well, to have long and involved conversations about life, the universe and everything and actually pay attention to all the little things that we assume will just sort themselves out. We can’t rely on the easy distractions of flashy dates, last minute “hey, let’s go do this thing” plans or the many ways we focus primarily on physical attraction over emotional connection.

(Not that focusing primarily on physical attraction is inherently a bad thing, mind you, or that a relationship that’s mostly — or entirely — physical is somehow lesser… it’s just counterproductive for your goals, CaF.)

So the first thing I would suggest is that you check out my free workshop on love, sex and dating during quarantine (available here:https://nrdlv.co/2RLw8ch); I lay out what dating looks like in the era of the coronavirus, how to plan killer virtual dates and even how to keep the sexual side of things hot. Then I would suggest sprucing up your dating app profiles, and start some conversations. Find the people who, like you, are looking for something serious and long-term and start some conversations now. Get to know them, have those long, intimate and enthralling conversations over Skype or FaceTime or other video chats. Send silly Tik Tok videos back and forth, watch some movies together or play some board games. And as you get to know them and find the people who you feel are most in alignment with what you’re looking for, start laying the foundations for a long-term relationship. Talk about the future, make some short-term plans for after the quarantine is lifted and see how things play out.

You already have all the skills it takes to get into a long term relationship. You just need to apply them correctly.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. I am 40 and he is 50. When we first met, I was attracted to him but I thought he was not available. We worked together for a few months. The nature of the work is that we spent nearly the whole day together in the field each day, and we got to know each other well.

When we met, I had been divorced for about six months. During that time, I had a few casual hookups and short relationships. One of these casual relationships happened while we were friends. At the time, I confided in him about it. Time passed, my boyfriend and I started dating, and I haven’t thought about being with anyone else since.

The issue is that he frequently brings up the fact that I had sex with this other person. Sometimes it is in the context of me giving him a criticism or a complaint, and his response is “Well, you did this thing.” Sometimes, this connection seems, to me, to be illogical and unfair. For example, the most recent time was a few days ago when I said something to him about being careful because of the virus (his job requires him to be go out in public every day). He was moody for a few days and then told me that it was hypocritical of me to tell him to be careful of getting sick when I apparently think nothing of sleeping with random guys who could have diseases. In fact, I probably have all kinds of diseases I don’t even know about, according to him. Sometimes, when he starts thinking about this past incident, he will say (text) pretty nasty, slut shaming-type things to me.

The other piece to this is that I believe he has some kind of undiagnosed psychological condition such as depression or bipolar disorder. I’ve suggested that he go to a psychologist, or that we go to therapy, but he has never wanted to do that.

The end result of all this is twofold:

1) I feel like I hesitate bring up many issues for discussion because I’m afraid it will become about how I slept with someone six years ago before we were dating.

2) I get confused by the way he does this, because I think, Why is he with me if he thinks I’m so trashy? But also, I think that sometimes he gets into his head and maybe it’s more about how he’s feeling than it is about anything I have done, and I can just ignore these episodes.

So should I treat this as something that he does that is irrational and maybe an expression of his mental health? Just let him vent and then forget about it? (I have sometimes just temporarily blocked him for the night and by the next morning everything is fine). On one hand, I have a pretty forgiving temperament and I can easily overlook it. On the other hand, I feel something like despair when I think that in five years, ten years, etc., he’s still going to be saying “In 2013 you did x” every few months. I just want a better way to communicate with each other, especially when we are in disagreement.

Past Is Prologue

DEAR PAST IS PROLOGUE: This one is easy, PiP: your boyfriend is an a

hole. It’s possible he has an undiagnosed mental disorder but — keeping in mind that Dr. NerdLove is not a REAL doctor — I know of no mental illness that makes someone cling to a six year old grievance like a dog with a bone. And even if he has, say, obsessive-compulsive disorder, which can manifest as intrusive, unwelcome thoughts… that doesn’t excuse him from being an a

hole.

Before we get into what the hell is going on in his head, let’s start with the obvious: you didn’t do anything wrong here. You were single, newly divorced and dating around, as many do. You, as a grown-ass woman, decided you wanted to sleep with somebody you had a casual relationship with. That’s your call and nobody’s business but your own. That is where your responsibility for this situation starts and ends.

The problem exists entirely in your boyfriend’s head.

I strongly suspect that, were someone to ask, they would find out that your boyfriend was interested in you that time when you were single and assumed he wasn’t. Maybe he wasn’t available and couldn’t act on that attraction. Maybe he hesitated and couldn’t bring himself to make his move.  Maybe poor timing meant that whenever he did muscle up and was ready to ask you out, you were dating someone else. I don’t know and ultimately, it doesn’t matter. What’s key here is that he has been nursing this resentment for six years.

No, I’m not getting over that part any time soon. He has been angry about this for six years. Think about that. Roll it around in your mouth a little. He has been angry about something you did, that didn’t affect him, before you were together for six. Goddamn. YEARS. And more than just angry about it: it’s his go-to move whenever you have any sort of conflict. He didn’t take out the trash: “yeah, but six years ago you f

ked some dude.” You ask if you could maybe pick the movie next time: “Yes but you’re a goddamn slut”.

That ain’t normal. That ain’t healthy. That’s not how healthy adults who love each other resolve conflicts. That’s one guy — someone who’s emphatically old enough to know better — acting like a passive-aggressive squirrel who’s been hoarding hate-nuts for winter. It’s certainly possible to hold both love and resentment at the same time. Healthy adults however, understand that the first rule of making a relationship work is “Handle Thine S

t,” and he won’t. The fact that he can turn “hey be careful out there, try to not get sick” to “yes well YOU’RE A GODDAMN DISEASED WHORE” is not someone who’s healthy or in good emotional working order.

I’m not surprised that you’re afraid to bring things up, if this is what happens every time. Dude has a chip on his shoulder about this that’s grown so large and dense that it’s collapsed into a singularity and sucked his brain out his ear.

Now, we can debate and theorize why he keeps going back to this particular well at any sign of conflict. We can argue about whether he’s intentionally abusive or just lashing out at any instance of conflict because his resentment is just that close to the surface. Here’s the thing though: why he does this doesn’t matter. Intent may give you an idea about why, but intent isn’t magic. Even if it’s completely unintentional, it still hurts you. Even if he has an undiagnosed case of OCD that makes these thoughts bubble to the surface every time you all argue, that doesn’t make it ok. It’s still something he’s doing that manifestly damages you and your relationship. And that needs to stop.

This has been a boil on his soul for so long that it’s festered, and unfortunately, the only treatment is to lance it… preferably with the Chair Leg of Truth. Repeatedly. He’s been holding you responsible for his hang up for six years now and that’s not healthy for you or the relationship. Frankly I think you should be angry about this, not cowed. Hell, I’m in favor of your telling him, straight up: “I am not responsible for your fantasy about me when we weren’t dating. I am not responsible for your feelings from before we got together. I did nothing wrong, I’m not going to accept blame for your problems and if you want to stay in this relationship, then you need to build a bridge and get the f

k over it.”

If you want this relationship to work — and that’s a mighty damn big “if” — then I think you need to make his talking to a counselor a condition of staying together. You can start with seeing a relationship counselor, but I think he needs to see someone on his own too — especially if there some emotional disorder underlying all of this. The way he’s behaving is utterly unacceptable and it has gone on for far too long. You don’t deserve this and you shouldn’t put up with it and until he actually grows the hell up, every disagreement you have will look exactly like this.

And if he won’t let go of his weird hang up or put in the work to get over it… well, I hate to say it, but it’s time to love yourself enough to demand better and kick him to the curb so hard that his great grandparents feel it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a college senior at a large midwestern university. A while back, I was invited to a party on a Saturday by a friend of mine. I got there and drank a little bit and hung out when this guy came over and said “my friend thinks you’re cute. I wanna introduce you to her.” Next thing I know he’s calling over this girl and we start talking. We talked for close to 2 hours and we seemed to hit it off pretty well, we exchanged numbers and I offered to take her for an airplane ride (I have my pilot’s license) to which she enthusiastically agreed.

After I left the party she started texting me gushing about how she thought I was so nice and cute and that she couldn’t wait to see me again. We texted back and forth a little bit and she suggested we grab lunch that upcoming week. We set up a date and then didn’t text each other until the day of the date confirming that it was still on. Anyway, we had lunch and talked, only she seemed a little less outgoing, which I totally expected, since I have a good suspicion that a lot her bubbly personality that night was the alcohol talking. She wasn’t “Pam Beesley at the Dundies” drunk, just more outgoing, touching my arm and standing really close to me and such. I also definitely felt much more awkward talking to her at lunch than I did at the party. I felt like I missed a lot of opportunities to find out more about her. She also seemed to not remember a few things about the party, which was awkward for me since I assumed she would have known what I was talking about at certain points in the conversation.

After lunch we walked together to class, since my class was in the building next to hers (she’s a really fast walker). As we said goodbye I suggested we find out when we could fly later to which she kind of had a blank look on her face and then responded “okay” before heading inside.

I texted her later that evening asking when she’d be available to fly if she still wanted to, to which she responded a while later saying that she couldn’t at all next week since she had this big organic chemistry exam she had to study for all week (she’s a sophomore neuroscience major). I responded that that was fine and said we could set it up some other time. I did tell her I wanted to hang out with her again sometime though. She said she’d like that, but it’d have to be after that week of her exam.

So finally I get to my question. We haven’t texted in 2 days (my fault I know), and I’m getting a little nervous. I don’t want her to forget about me and lose momentum, but I also don’t want to be a distraction for her. How do I keep things rolling until I can see her again in 7 days? Any advice you can give would be appreciated.

Thank you.

-Nervous Ned

DEAR NERVOUS NED: So there’re a couple of things to focus on here.

The first is the change in her attitude between the party and afterwards. One of the things people tend to get wrong about booze is that it’s not the Jekyll and Hyde formula, it’s truth serum. When you’re drunk, you’re disinhibited and more likely to act in ways you might refrain from later. It’s quite possible that your friend is a little shy and reserved normally and the booze turned down the volume on her shyness and so she was a little more outgoing and flirty than she might have been otherwise. That doesn’t mean that she wasn’t genuinely interested in flirting with you… it just means that she might not have done so in as open or blatant a manner. It might also mean that she wouldn’t normally because she had reasons for not doing so, reasons that may have seemed less important after a couple beers.

In the cold light of sobriety, she could be feeling more than a little awkward and embarrassed. God knows I’ve had plenty of times the morning after a party where I felt the chill of anxiety slithering up my spine and whispering “So… how big of an a

hole were you last night?” Even when you didn’t actually act the fool, there’s always that vague feeling that maybe you did something stupid and just don’t remember it clearly. If her memory was a little fuzzy afterwards, that could very easily contribute to her feeling a little stiff and awkward afterwards; she’s uncomfortable because she can’t be 100% sure what she said, did or agreed to.

However, there’s another possibility: that she’s changed her mind about wanting to go flying with you. What may have seemed like a great idea at the time may have soured after she had a little time to think about it. I mean, while flying could be an amazing experience, it can also be kind of intense for a first date, especially with someone you only just met. It could very well be that she’s having second thoughts but doesn’t necessarily want to have the awkwardness of telling you so directly. It’s often easier to have an insurmountable obstacle that makes it impossible to go on that date than it is to say “yeaaaah, about that…”

And honestly that throwaway line about her being a fast walker makes me think that maybe she’s not entirely comfortable with the entire situation.

As a guess, I’d say that this is an interaction that’s not going to go anywhere and you should chalk it up to a learning experience. But if you want to try to see if this can be salvaged, here’s your plan:

In general, if someone is interested in you, it shouldn’t feel difficult to make plans with them; they’ll generally go out of their way to try to make things work. If their schedule is jammed — especially, say, towards the end of the semester and they’re taking a heavy course load — then they’ll usually try to find the time in their schedule when they can see you… even if it’s weeks down the line. They’ll also usually go for actual days, not just “some time after X”.

Now none of this means that she’s not interested or that she’s going to flake on you. These are just things to be aware of, so that you don’t spend a lot of effort watering a dead plant with your time and attention.

With all that being said, here’s my suggestion. One of the ways I recommend people keep the emotional momentum going via text is through humor. A sending a meme, for example, with a quick “hey, know you’re busy, saw this and thought of you” can help keep the lines of communication open and get her thinking about you. I would recommend doing that once and seeing how she responds. If she engages with you — as opposed to giving the bare minimum of a response, you can follow that up with “I know you’re busy with your exams, so how about we do something low-key afterwards?” Then invite her to ice cream or board games at a local coffee shop. It’s a lower-investment for a date and it’ll give you a chance to talk more at a time when she’s less stressed. Then, if things go well, you can see whether she’d be interested in going flying with you as a second date.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com