DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been a long-time reader of your articles, and after so many years, I now find myself in need of your advice. It’s a bit of a long story. For context, I am a single 27-year-old man, and the woman in question is my ex, and is about to turn 26. We both work in the same profession. I’ll start with the background first. 

In the fall of 2018, my ex and I first met when we were working together at a new internship. We clicked instantly, and the attraction was mutual. We began dating almost immediately. I have no doubt about the sincerity and genuineness of the relationship at the time; I have never been happier, and she loved me and appreciated who I was and what I could provide. Having said that, I need to say that at the time, she was married — to a man who I later found out was emotionally abusing her, before and during our own relationship.

Unfortunately for me, this was also my first ever relationship, which means I made some mistakes of my own, and those mistakes — combined with her renewed desire to try to make her marriage work — resulted in her ending our relationship in December of 2018. I was absolutely heartbroken.

This was not just some work affair or side thing for me — she was my girlfriend, and I was devastated. So much so that I ended up making the mistake of playing the “We can still be friends” card on the table, and ended up locking myself into that emotional prison for a further four months, until in April of 2019, she finally made me promise not to contact her anymore, because she was committed her decision and wanted to focus on that relationship. And I agreed, because I wanted her to be happy, and because I could understand where she was coming from.

And so it was for nearly eleven months. As I’m sure you know, going no contact cold turkey from a person you WANT to be with is one of the most horrible experiences a person could have. In my case, I developed depression, felt lonely and miserable, and I even sought help in a support group for failed relationships to find solace. Not one day went by that I didn’t think about her, and — surprise surprise — I was, and am, still in love with her. After so long without hearing from her, I eventually wrote an acceptance letter to her which I did not send, and I’m quoting myself here, “because I had to let her go.” That’s where I was.

Imagine my shock, then, when she did reach out to me! Almost eleven months later! It felt like a miracle. She wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear from her (she couldn’t have been more wrong), but she said that she was finally leaving him for good, due to the continued emotional abuse, and that she thought of me. We have been texting daily since (as of this letter, almost a week), and have even had a short phone call. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I missed having my friend in my life. But I also miss having her as my girlfriend. And that, finally, is where my question begins.

Dr. NerdLove: I am still in love with my ex, who is now formally separating from her husband. I want her and I to try again. I want us back together. Should I tell her? How should I tell her? When? And is there any hope for us, in such a complex situation?

I have been happy talking to her as normal, and discussing our work and so forth, but when she left, I told her that I loved her and would always welcome her back; surely she’s at least considered the possibility of trying again, otherwise, why reach out to me at all? I can tell she’s a bit different now: she seems a little distant and sad, and a tad overworked, perhaps as a coping mechanism. I want to support her, but I’m not sure how.

To make matters even more complicated, right now, my ex is still located near me, but when she graduates from school, she will be moving back home to Texas, and then after that, when she acquires her license, she will be moving one state over from me (I’m in Virginia) to begin her dream job. Which means even assuming that she wants to actually rekindle our relationship– which is still a huge unknown and may not even be a possibility — it’s going to be forced to take on a long-distance component very soon. But I can deal with that. After having once gone fourteen months without seeing her, there’s very little now I wouldn’t do to be able to be with her.

Doctor, is there any hope for us? And is there anything I can do to let her know that I don’t care about the past, but that I do want to be there for her in her future? I love her so much, but I feel like a compass that doesn’t know where true north is anymore.

Thank you for reading, I know it was long, but if this is or can be a second chance, I want to do it right this time, and any advice or insight is appreciated.

Still Waiting

DEAR STILL WAITING: Hoo boy.

So… this was a bad scene, SW. Dating someone who was married, not in an open relationship and whose marriage was apparently an abusive s

tshow is usually not a recipe for happily ever after, especially since it was your first relationship. While there are couples who start out that way, it’s an uphill climb at best, and this being your first serious relationship turns that particular learning curve into more of a learning precipice. Doubly so with the fact you were having a really hard time sticking the landing with the “let’s just be friends” part afterwards. Trying to be friends after a relationship almost always requires time away, if only so that you can actually start to get over the break-up and move on.

You… didn’t do that. I mean, things were bad enough that she basically had to initiate the Nuclear Option on you, because you couldn’t let things go. And it doesn’t sound like you did any better afterwards; it sounds like you were soaking in a lot of misery and angst about her and weren’t really able to move forward. In fact, it sounds a lot like you were (and are) still neck deep in it when she reached out to you.

That doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence about your state of mind regarding all of this.

Here’s the thing about getting back together with your ex: the only way it works is if things have actually changed. If the circumstances that broke you up are still in play, if you (or they) haven’t changed or grown past them or resolved those issues, then all you’re doing is setting yourself up for the 12″ dance remix of your first break up. And if I’m being honest with you: it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. To start with, there was the marriage issue. Her marriage wasn’t the problem that you two had… not in the way that you think, anyway. While you were seeing this as an amazing relationship and one that could last the ages, I suspect that… well, you were more of her attempt at ejecting out of the flaming mess that was her marriage. One of the reasons people will cheat is because they’re slamming their hand down on the “relationship self-destruct” button. In cases where a partner is being abused or mistreated, finding a piece on the side is often a way people will try to motivate themselves to get out; it’s both incentive to leave and a reminder that you have options. While I don’t doubt that she genuinely cares for you, I strongly suspect that you and she had very different ideas about what this relationship was — even if she wasn’t aware of what her idea of it was, yet.

I also suspect that’s part of why she’s reaching out to you after all this time; you’re a connection to a normal life without her now ex, a reminder that happier times can and do exist. What I don’t think she’s looking for is to rekindle your relationship.

And honestly, that’s a good thing, for the both of you. Like I said: trying to make a post-break-up relationship work involves time and distance so that you can heal and move on. You haven’t done that. Hell, you were barely entering the acceptance stage when she called you out of the blue. Now that she’s back, all those hopes and dreams that you’d been clinging to, the ones that were starting to burn down to embers have flared back up again. But while you’re a little bit older, and a little more aware of the mistakes that you’ve made, I’m not entirely sure that you’ve actually internalized those lessons. You can’t really do that while you’re still holding out hope that you’re going to be able to pick things back up and they’ll be like they were before.

But all that is before we tack on the complication of her future and yours. She’s already got plans to up stakes and head back to Texas once she’s gotten her degree and her future is going to be keeping her at a distance from you. While, again, relationships can and have survived long-distance — even intercontinental distances — that’s still playing at a level that, frankly, I don’t think you’re ready for.

I think what you need, more than anything else, is to let this one go so that you can heal. I get that you want your friend back in your life, but in the state that you’re in, I don’t think you’re going to be able to separate “having her as a friend” and “holding onto the hope of getting her back”. Which means that you’re not even going to have a replay of your first break-up… you’re going to have a replay of the second time, when she told you that she couldn’t be in contact with you anymore.

I get it. Believe me. I fully empathize with you because I’ve been there, done that — repeatedly — and got my heart stamped on — again, repeatedly. Telling her you want her back is just going to be inviting more misery into your life. The only question is how quickly.

I think your best decision here is to keep your distance. You can be friends, but it’s going to require space because you still aren’t over her. You need to heal, which you can’t do while you’re trying to win her back.

If you two have that connection that makes you good, close friends, then you’ll still be good, close friends when you pick things back up down the line. But if you try to rekindle things instead? I think all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to end up hurting yourself worse and shutting that potential friendship down before it has a chance to be rebuilt.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a virgin girl. I’m in a relationship with a boy I love very much and feel ready to take the next step and he is a virgin too. I browse a lot of stuff online (female oriented blogs mind you) and there was a topic of not having sex until marriage. Comments said that they wouldn’t ever marry someone if the sex was “bad” and that no sex until marriage was a bad idea because of this (but it’s not really applying to me). This scares me so, so much. I’m in love with this boy that I am with and DO NOT want to leave him. We just mesh so well together and he is everything I ever wanted in someone. The fact we are both virgins however really scares me now. We are compatible with our likes and stuff but since we are virgins..I can assume the sex won’t be mind blowing at first. Is “bad sex” really the death sentence for a relationship or am I overreacting?  Is there more to it that I don’t know about?

As a bonus question, I know you are neither female nor a doctor but my doctor could not do the finger test because it hurt me so bad. This scares me too that it’ll just cause more trouble sexually…

 -scaredandconfused

DEAR SCAREDANDCONFUSED: This is actually a fairly common concern – and not just among women. In fact, this has come up a few times over the course of both my column and my career.  A lot of people are worried that being “bad at sex” due to inexperience (or worse, being a virgin) will keep them from ever having a successful relationship… or from trying to initiate a relationship at all.

The problem is that you seem to be conflating sexual compatibility – what most people mean when they talk about whether the sex is “bad” or “good” –  for sexual experience. And there’s a rather decided difference between the two.

Sexual satisfaction is a critical part of a romantic relationship.s Sexual compatibility is one of the key components of keeping two people together; it’s the fear of being seen as “shallow” or “selfish” that frequently keeps two people together when the sex just isn’t working, whether it’s incompatible sexual needs, mismatched libidos or just plain old fashioned unrealistic expectations – and there doesn’t seem to be any way to fix things, including ethical non-monogamy.

Now to be fair: part of good sex is a matter of skill and practice. However, this doesn’t mean that a virgin is inherently a bad lover or is doomed to bad sex until he or she gets X number of years/partners/experience points under her belt. Nobody is born as a masterful lover, no matter what they may tell you. Everybody starts from the same place –  an absolute beginner – and moves on from there. It’s after that point that we all start to diverge.

Some people get an earlier start than others; they may hit puberty early on, they may discover masturbation at a younger age and get more familiar with how to make themselves feel good, they have their first sexual experience (which includes more than just genital-to-genital contact, thank you very much) with a partner before their peers do. Some people are just more relaxed with their bodies and their sexuality thanks to their upbringing and peer group. Some people come to sex at a later age or take longer to get comfortable with themselves. Others may not discover their sexual identity until much later in life.

All any of this means is that some people have a head start of sorts. Having sex or sexual experience earlier isn’t inherently good – in fact, the less mature (and there’s a decided difference between age and maturity) the people are, the less likely they are to grasp the full implications and responsibilities that come with sex. Coming to your sexual life later isn’t inherently bad either; being a virgin or having little experience sexually isn’t shameful nor is it a sign that there’s something wrong with you.

Sex is more than just “insert tab A into slot B, repeat as needed.” It’s also more than “I need to know X, Y and Z in order to make my lover feel good/orgasm/want to keep having sex with me.” It’s about being aware of your body, being comfortable with it and being familiar with what turns you on and what gets you off. After all, if you don’t know what you want or need, you won’t be able to ask for it.

Yes, I said “ask for it”. Good sex is also about communication. Having good sex – especially when you’re having sex for the first time you have with someone new – means being able to communicate clearly and guide him or her towards what you enjoy and how you enjoy it. Sometimes you’ll both luck into the right combo… but more often than not, you’re going to have to work together to establish the rhythm and flow. If he’s using his tongue but flicking about your clitoris like a lizard isn’t doing the trick, you want to be able to tell him what you need him to do instead. Similarly, if you’re going down on him or her but they need more friction, more suction, more tongue, less teeth, something, they need to be able to tell you as well. Don’t be afraid to (gently) let your partner know what you want them to do differently, and be sure to let him or her know (enthusiastically) what they’re doing right. The better you are able to communicate, the more you’ll both enjoy the experience.

Now, the fact that the two of you are virgins doesn’t mean that the sex is going to be bad. It will be a little awkward, maybe a little weird and uncomfortable, even possibly a bit silly… but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be wonderful either. You haven’t had actual penis-in-vagina action yet, but you don’t say what you have had… whether the two of you have gone down on each other, engaged in some mutual masturbation, frottage, anal play, what-have-you. If you haven’t progressed past making out and some hands-over-the-junk action, I would recommend that you take penetrative sex off the table for a while. Take some time – and by time I mean months – and get used to each other’s bodies. Learn the contours, learn the various tastes and textures and smells; sometimes they can be disconcerting and the last thing either of you wants is to interrupt the moment with a “woah, what is that” face because you encountered something you’re not familiar with. Get used to being naked together, rolling around together and getting off together before you dive straight into penetration. The more familiar and comfortable you are with each other, the better off you will be when you finally do move to the big moment. It won’t be some big mystery full of anxiety and tension; it’ll be the next, natural step in your relationship with your boyfriend.

Now as for your question about your gynecological exam: this’s a where I feel the need to remind folks that Dr. NerdLove is emphatically NOT a real doctor. Answering this actually required some Googling on my part because… well… the phrase “finger test” is somewhat archaic in these parts. In fact, it depends on whether we’re talking about part of a standard pelvic exam by a gynecologist or a check of one’s virginity.

(For the record, the “finger test” for virginity – that is, checking for proof of virginity by examining the presence of the hymen or vaginal laxity — and other virginity tests are actually considered violations of human rights and dignity by Amnesty International.)

So assuming that we’re talking about your standard gynecological exam: well, there could be a number of reasons for this. You may have been incredibly nervous and tense during the exam – rather understandable. You may have a narrow vaginal canal or less laxity in the vaginal muscles than average. You may have physical trauma from an accident. If this was a one-time issue and you’ve been able to insert, say, a tampon (or your fingers or a sex toy) without issue, then it could just be the stress of the moment. If this is a regular issue, then it’s decidedly something to talk to your doctor about – and again, Dr. NerdLove is emphatically not a real doctor.

But before you start hitting up Doctor Google instead, I’d focus on what your doc said at the time. If she wasn’t concerned about it, then I wouldn’t be concerned either if I were you. I’m willing to bet money that it comes down to: you’re a virgin and pelvic exams just aren’t fun under the best of circumstances.

Penetration for the first time can be somewhat uncomfortable; after all, you’re having an unfamiliar object inserted into an area where you haven’t had one before.

That having been said: it’s going to be a different sensation, not necessarily a painful one. If you still have your hymen, it MIGHT be a little painful at first… but it also might not. It’s easy to minimize your discomfort. Start with a great deal of foreplay — especially for you — to help get you relaxed and aroused and ready for penetration. You may want to use some extra lubricant to help things along — specifically a water-based lubricant like KY or Astroglide. You do NOT want petroleum jelly, saliva, butter, baby-oil or any other improvised lube; these will damage the condom – you ARE going to be using condoms –  and can cause irritation to the vaginal canal. When you do start penetration take things very slowly and gently until you feel ready to move a little faster or more vigorously.

The more the two of you communicate, focus on what feels good and take things at a pace you’re both comfortable with, the better your first time will be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. During this time we have both been temping or unemployed. There will be months were we have a job and those have been more than the months without, but it is still stressful. In November, when it looked like my boyfriend was going to be hired full time, we asked my roommate if we could discuss him moving in. She instantly got mad and stormed off saying she’d think about it.

For background I know he irritates her, but it’s just because he’s a giant goofball and she doesn’t find him funny. He does the dishes or laundry when he’s here, he buys groceries, he watches the dog when we’re out of town. One time, when my friend who had left an abusive relationship was staying with us, I asked him to stay while my roommate and I were gone for two weeks because my friend is suicidal and I didn’t want them to be alone. (My friend was fine with this, they didn’t want to be alone either and they and my boyfriend get along great).

I am also a very anxious person and the thought of asking for something like this makes me want to puke. So this whole situation sets me on edge. When my roommate eventually got back to me, they said they wanted to wait until after the holiday’s. Over Christmas my boyfriend didn’t get the job he was temping at even though they said he would be hired when we got back from visiting my family for Xmas. He has savings of over $5,000 and it looks like I am going to be hired full time.

My roommate said no to him moving in and that wasn’t what I wanted. To be clear, I wanted a conversation where i could make my case or we could make a deal or something. She was very angry that I didn’t just take the no. I thought if I made my situation clear, then she would understand and give my boyfriend a chance, I suggested a trial month, where he has his computer so he isn’t in the public space as often, if at all. I said we could create a system where he says if he’s coming out of the bedroom to use the bathroom because she is concerned about privacy, but I think that is absurd because she has the bigger room and a private bathroom. I am willing to make any compromise she wants for just a trial month.

But she says that me continuing to ask, even though she never brings it up and I always have to initiate, is pushing her boundaries. But I’m really struggling here. Not only do I want him here because he makes my life easier and he makes me laugh, but him moving in would provide great financial relief. I would be able to stop asking my parents for money, I feel like I would be able to breathe. I’m 28 years old, I have a boyfriend of two years. Should I have to ask if my boyfriend can move in? Should I have to listen if she says no? She already limits the amount of time he’s here to weekends, when I bring him over she gets irritated.

My roommate is one of my best friends, I would, and have, done anything for her. But now I feel like that isn’t being reciprocated, like she isn’t respecting my emotional and financial needs. All I am asking for is a trial month. Am I asking for too much?

Sincerely,

Confused and Upset

DEAR CONFUSED AND UPSET: So there’s a couple answers to this: the legal answer and the “being a decent roommate and good person” answer. In the former: if your roommate’s name is on the lease, then yes: she gets a vote on whether your boyfriend moves in or not. If you’re one who’s technically on the hook for the apartment, then you could force the issue… but it’d be a deeply s

tty thing to do.

Leaving the legal issue aside though — or the risk of a COVID-19 infection from adding someone new to the mix: Yes, you need to ask before moving your boyfriend in. At the very least, it’s only polite, especially as it will directly affect your roommate as much as it will you. Yes, they can say “no” and make it stick. And yes, your bringing it up over and over again is pushing against her boundaries. 

Here’s the thing: you and your roommate are having two very different conversations, CaU. You are trying to have a negotiation about what it would take for your roommate to be ok with your boyfriend moving in with you. You’re thinking that the problem is one of convenience, privacy or other issues that could be surmounted with enough planning and compromises.

Your roommate, on the other hand, is trying to tell you that she’s already made up her mind and the answer is no.

Here’s the problem with this disconnect: you’re ignoring the cause and focusing on the symptoms. You’re looking at this as a case of “well if we could just discuss your reasons, we could work around them and get to a ‘yes’.” But that requires there being any circumstances under which you might get to a “yes”… and that doesn’t seem to exist. She isn’t giving you reasons why because the reasons don’t matter. It’s very much like when someone gives reasons why they “can’t” date somebody, and the other person treats that as the start of a negotiation, not a soft-refusal. The rejected person can’t logic or negotiate their way past the central problem: that the other person just doesn’t want to date them. The same thing applies to your friend: she just doesn’t want to live with you and your boyfriend. If she just dislikes him, his presence is like sandpaper on her nerves and nails on a chalkboard to her soul and the argument of “you’d only have to pay a third of the rent instead of half” isn’t enough… well, there really isn’t any bathroom usage rota that’s going to solve that problem.

She’s given you her answer in no uncertain terms. The problem is that you don’t want to hear it. By asking her over and over again, you’re trying to force her to change her mind, very much in the same way that constantly pushing up against somebody’s “no” in dating or sex is extremely not cool. And the roommate equivalent of “just the tip” isn’t going to make it any better.

It’s great that she’s your best friend and that you’d bend over backwards for her. But that doesn’t obligate her to live with a guy she can’t stand, even if he’s your boyfriend. And frankly: it’s pretty clear that you won’t do anything for her because you’re NOT doing the thing she has asked you to do: respect her “no”.

So you have a choice here. You can continue living with your bestie, or you can live with your boyfriend. You don’t get both. If you and your boyfriend want to live together and split the rent, then you’re either going to have to find a different apartment or a new roommate.

And under the current circumstances, that might be hard to do.

There’s no in-between here. She said no. It’s time for you to respect it and move on.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com