DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 27 years old guy. Lately, I’ve been trying to comprehend my feelings about my last two relationships and setting my boundaries. I’ve always had low self-esteem with all that it implies. No firm boundaries, conflict avoidance and so forth. I’m working on improving my lifestyle and with the changes comes confidence. The only thing that leaves me confused is romantic relationships.

Last year I was dating this girl, May. Mostly out relationship was great. We had similar life positions, we took interest in each other’s hobbies and we hated the same things.

But.

Sometimes she would get really pissed at me for various reasons. Sometimes she would interpret my words or actions in a weird way, like I was trying to be covertly rude with her, other times…I don’t even know…bad mood? When she didn’t like something, she would lash out on me and say, in very unpleasant ways, that I don’t appreciate her. We dated for about six months in total and during that time she broke up with me three times. Every time she apologized shortly after the fight but refused to discuss it. After the third time we didn’t see each other for two months. Then we got back together, spend two weeks doing a lot of romantic stuff and having mind blowing, leg shaking sex (leg shaking for both of us, which was interesting). Until it happened again.

We were discussing our plans for the upcoming weekend when she said she wanted a surprise. I thought it was a cool idea. I said that I too want a surprise. She got mad. I did my best to defuse the situation and it turned out she thought that I meant some passive-aggressive s

k it up with my ignorance.

At this point I will appreciate any advice. Thank you.

Drizzle is a Lifestyle

DEAR DRIZZLE IS A LIFESTYLE: It’s good to examine your past relationships and try to see what you can learn from them, DIAL… but that only works if you are taking the right lessons from them.

Right now you’re taking two radically different relationships — and equally reasons why they ended — and coming to the conclusion that this was all your fault and that you must have done something wrong to have been dumped twice. But what you’re failing to factor in is that you don’t actually have the complete control that you seem to think you did. Occasionally relationships will end because of things that are entirely outside of your sphere of influence. There will be times, for example, when events that are completely external to your relationship will cause your partner to decide that she might be better off being single right now. To give a personal example, I’ve had relationships end twice because of deaths in the family; in both cases, deaths of someone close to them prompted the women I was seeing at the time to reevaluate their lives and decide that they just couldn’t handle being in a relationship at that time. Which sucked for me to be sure, but there was nothing to be done; there wouldn’t be any amount of caring or effort that would’ve changed their minds.

Other times, the problem won’t be something that you can fix or work around because it will be a flaw inherent in the relationship. Such as, say, dating someone who apparently has a massive chip on her shoulder, keeps lashing out at you whenever she gets a wild hair up her ass and otherwise treats you like an emotional chew toy. The lesson you should be taking from this one was that bed-rocking sex isn’t going to make up for someone treating you like s

t like “Oh, I want many things too, honey!”. My idea was that I’d make something for her on one day and she would do something for me on the other. Sometimes I want to be treated like a queen too, you know. I decided that it was time to call it quits and thanked her for the good times. I know, I’m describing her as my crazy ex, but I can put my hands and my heart on the Necronomicon and swear that she is a cool and smart person and it really saddens me that our relationship didn’t work out. I guess we expected different things from each other.

Then there’s July. I dated her before May, about two and a half years ago. It was a hard case of oneitis. I adored her immensely. I had a crush on her since the first time I saw her. After two years of admiring her from a distance I asked her out. We dated for 5 months, she broke up with me and told she wanted to be friends. That was heartbreaking but I tried my best to stay cool. It was very hard to move on, as we are co-workers and I see her every day. But we actually became friends. Not close friends, but still. Over time, though, I started realizing that she’s not that great of a person as I imagined she is. She’s good and caring and all. But I feel like she’s a little resentful, a little tactless and a little manipulative. I say “a little” because usually it’s very subtle, only noticeable by her snarky, out of place or passive-aggressive comments, said under her breath every now and then. It’s subtle and I’d usually pretend I didn’t hear those remarks, but they were enough to make me have bitter-sweet feeling every time we met. Happy to see her but waiting for it to be over.

During the past holidays I fell into depressive mood and didn’t want to see anyone. I only met with my closest family and spend most of the holidays playing videogames with my best friend whom I haven’t seen for months due to life reasons. When we got back to work, it looked like July was avoiding me, keeping her eyes down when walking past me and when our eyes did meet, she would immediately turn away. I texted her to meet me at our usual secret meeting place (we kept our relationship as secret as possible), as I wanted to give presents for her and her daughter. But she replied to me asking why I was so eager to see her all of a sudden, after so many days! That’s where my admiration with her has ended. It was so unexpected and odd. I assume she expected me to reach out to her during the holidays and got offended when I didn’t (except the short exchange of congratulations). But we are not that close to spend all the time together and we met at my place just a few weeks ago. So, I told her that I didn’t insist on meeting and that was the last time we talked. I was thinking to call her if not to restore our friendship then to make peace, at least. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t hold any grudges against her but I don’t want to have her in my life either because relationship with her is not that enjoyable, and it hasn’t been for quite a while.

And here I am, trying to get closure. I learned how to cut people from my life, to stand my ground and not fall into abuse. I don’t have the need to explain my positions in life and just do my thing. That, in turn, means that I’m closing myself from people even more than I did in the past. And potentially remove the possibility to connect with people who might be right for me. What if I was at fault in these two relationships? What if I wasn’t attentive and caring enough? Was it just incompatibility or my inability to adapt and compromise? Surely there was something wrong and stupid I did, I’m a human being after all, though I never mean any harm and I try put a lot of effort into relationships, which makes it even more frustrating. I’d like to pursue a new romantic relationship but I’m afraid I’ll f

t. The mistake you made here wasn’t that you didn’t love May enough or compromise enough, it’s that you were putting up with  someone treating you badly. This was a relationship that should have been over long before you got to the third break-up. As cool as you insist this woman was, the way she was treating you was unacceptable, and the cycle of “break up, get back together, get dumped again” should have been a warning.

Your relationship with July is another example of ignoring your feelings and keeping a relationship going because… well, I’m not entirely sure why. But the fact that you wanted things to be over whenever you were hanging around her was yet another indicator that hey, maybe you should just cut ties and call it good. When being around someone sucks the life out of you, makes you feel lonelier than if you were actually on your own or otherwise makes you watch the clock because you can’t wait to leave… those are all signs that it’s time to go.

Still other times, the issue isn’t what you did as much as what you didn’t do.In the case of your relationship with July, it’s the fact that you didn’t communicate with her the entire time you were out for the holidays. While yes, you were having a depressive event, she didn’t know that. All she knew is that you were radio silent for weeks, and then suddenly you were up in her business again. To her, that almost certainly looked like a relationship that was ending, without even the courtesy of being told why. Once you were back in her life… well now she has no clue just what’s going on, and ample reason to be annoyed at you. If this was a relationship — platonic or otherwise — that you wanted to maintain, giving her a heads up that you were in a low place and probably going to be a hermit for a while would have been the smart move. Not talking to her at all for days or weeks, then acting like nothing happened is a great way to annoy people.

The bigger takeaways here shouldn’t be about how you failed these relationships and more the recognition that these relationships were not right for you. Rather than worrying that you weren’t attentive enough, focus on finding people who are in good emotional order and who make you excited to see them. When being around someone is making you miserable, then that’s a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship… no matter how great the sex is.

And don’t just quit talking to someone with no warning if you actually want to keep a relationship alive. It just looks like you’re trying to ghost them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 29 going on 30 and have never been in a relationship. I’ve been on all of one date and have only kissed one person. I know I’m smart, can make anyone laugh, witty, kind and would make a great boyfriend but I never approach anyone. And I think I have found the reason why: I don’t want to bother anyone.

And these aren’t people who clearly don’t want to be bothered (headphones in, rushing somewhere, talking to someone else. etc) but everyone in general. In places where I’m comfortable and regularly hangout, I can’t approach anyone. Even if I were to see a girl standing against the wall, looking board out of her mind, i would think “I probably shouldn’t bother me”.

You would think that the problem disappear would when people approach me but it doesn’t. If someone tries to talk to me, i’ll usually just give simple one word answers to keep the conversation short. I don’t do it on purpose, it just happens. This has plagued me all of my adult life. How do I get over this?

Thanks in advance,

Sorry to Bother You

DEAR SORRY TO BOTHER YOU: This is something I see all the time, SBY. A lot of folks — mostly men, but plenty of women — worry that their interest in someone is intrusive or bothersome. Some feel that their mere presence is too much. For men in particular, this tends to come from a fear of being creepy ; they’re so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing that they end up paralyzed.

At the core, there are two issues. The first is simple ignorance; they may lack the social calibration or experience to recognize when people are open and interested in talking to folks. That’s simply a matter of education and practice.

The other, however, is a lack of self-worth. They feel like there’s nothing worthwhile about them, and so their mere presence is an intrusion on other people’s lives. The irony, of course, is that most of the time this isn’t true. Many times, other people are actively interested in getting to know them, spend more time with them and cultivate relationships with them… they just don’t see it. Or, worse, they’re afraid of it. They don’t want to get their hopes up because they believe that the only thing that will happen is that they’ll be disappointed and hurt. And since the fear of that pain is often greater than the pain itself, they avoid the circumstances where they might feel that fear.

Case in point, SBY: you have folks who come talk to you… and you shut them down. The issue that you’re having is that, because you don’t believe in your own value, you assume that other people won’t like you. If someone starts to show interest, then you might get your hopes up. You might get invested in them. And then, when they inevitably realize that they don’t like you, you’ll get hurt. Thus, by shutting things down before they can even start, you’re protecting yourself from the inevitability of heartbreak.

If you want to get over this sticking point and get to a place where you can actually approach people — or be approached — and connect with them, then you need to learn to believe and trust in your own value. Some of this is simply learning to accept your worth — not on an intellectual level, but a bone-deep emotional level. And part of how you do this is to learn to be your own best friend.

Think about it: would you allow a friend of yours to be so down on themselves? Would you let your friend talk about how much they’d be a burden on folks or how they’re just a bother to people? Hell no you wouldn’t… so why would you treat yourself less well than you’d treat a good friend? Positive self-talk and affirmations may sound like cringe-worthy Stuart Smiley bulls

t, but it helps. Talking yourself up to yourself goes a long way towards breaking this idea that you’d be a bother to folks.

Some self-awareness and conscious decisions to break the cycle can also work. If someone does approach you, then recognizing your usual pattern and forcing yourself to give more than one-word answers can help get you in the habit of actually talking to people. It ain’t easy; you’re having to break the habit of years, if not a lifetime. It’ll be awkward and uncomfortable at first. While you’re still practicing, you’ll have plenty of times when you realize after the fact that you missed your chance to try to force yourself out of your defensive crouch. But by being mindful and in the moment, you’ll start reaching a point where you will recognize that you’re about to fall into your old patterns and choose to break it.

It takes practice and a willingness to make mistakes, but those mistakes are how you learn and grow.

At the same time however, get some support from your friends. Telling your friends that hey, you could use a little positive affirmation, isn’t being needy or weird. It’s just staying that you could use some support from Team You.

Similarly, your friends could also help you bridge the gap by introducing you to folks, instead of your trying to build up the courage and motivation to do so yourself. While you may hesitate to approach people — or clam up when they approach you — having someone pull the “haaaaave you met Ted?” can sometimes be what it takes to get someone over that initial hump.

But that’s a stop-gap approach, not a cure. If you want to get past this, then you’ll need to work on yourself and your sense of self-worth. It may well be worth your time to look into some mental health options. In your case, a self-directed, cognitive behavioral therapy course like MoodGym or BetterHelp could be useful. These are low-cost ways of addressing some of your hang-ups and worries at your own pace and in ways that help you retrain your brain. And if those aren’t working for you… well, talking with a counselor or therapist can be incredibly helpful to dig in and unpack some of the underlying causes.

You said it yourself, SBY: you’ve got a lot going for you. It’s just a matter of learning to accept it and believe it. There’re folks who’re dying to get to know you; you just have to be willing to meet them half-way.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (she/her) have been dating my partner (he/him, let’s call him Greg) for a few months, and I’m beyond thrilled with our relationship. We’re really well matched in just about every way I could imagine wanting, and at this point I’m starting to really be able to imagine a future together. But of course, I wouldn’t be writing if there weren’t a little snag.

Greg craves my affirmation about his looks, specifically that he’s physically sexy, and I feel a little lost as to how to give it to him. Looks just honestly aren’t a big part of the way attraction works for me. I get turned on by personality, by conversation and interactions, much more than a pretty face or a tight bod. Intellectual chemistry, compatible kinks, a sexy voice, respect for my boundaries, genuine interest in my pleasure…these things are so important to turning me on that the way a partner looks barely even registers. I love Greg’s body, but the things I can put my finger on are, like, I like the way he smiles when we haven’t seen each other in a little while, I like the way his arms feel around me, I like the way his body responds when I touch him. But when he asks me questions about what specific parts of his body turn me on, or which of his outfits are the sexiest, I don’t really have a genuine answer. I love the way he looks, but I love the way he looks because he looks like him more than because he looks like some vision I’d rub one out to (because that vision doesn’t exist for me). That being said, I want to give him the affirmation he needs! I struggle with an eating disorder, in part stemming from the fact that I work in a field where I’m often explicitly judged for my looks, and my experience has been that “beauty is only skin deep”-variety platitudes are a lot less helpful than working on believing that I really am beautiful, even if I don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model. So I know how invalidating it would be for me to respond to Greg’s questions about his physical appearance with answers about his personality. I know part of why he looks for this particular kind of affirmation from me is that he’s deeply insecure about his body, and I want to make sure I don’t give that abusive voice in his head any fuel by accidentally implying that I’m attracted to him *despite* his looks, which isn’t the case at all! Hand to God, if you told me that tonight I could have dinner followed by a night of exquisite passion with either my pick of People Magazine’s sexiest men alive or Greg, I’d pick Greg in a heartbeat.

I am desperately in need of a dude’s perspective. I feel like our culture in general is just lacking good scripts to tell men that they’re good-looking other than praising a few very specific attributes that not all guys have (rock-hard abs, chiseled jaw, the like). If I were dating a woman, I’d know exactly what kinds of language to go for. Pretty, beautiful, breathtaking, ravishing, compliment her hair, eyes, boobs, butt, legs, skin, lips… But I feel a little lost as to where to go for my guy. Even just how to reciprocate when he tells me I’m pretty! Handsome is toothless, sexy/hot maybe doesn’t hit the right notes when he knows attraction isn’t really a visual thing for me, beautiful/pretty just doesn’t quite feel right (although I know he’s secure enough in his gender that he wouldn’t find it emasculating, so maybe that’s a me problem?)

So Doc, help me out! What’s some language I can use to make my guy feel like the regulation hottie he is?

Words’ Worth

DEAR WORDS’ WORTH: We’re in a weird place, culturally, WW. Just as body positivity is starting to make serious inroads and more people are challenging gender norms, men are starting to find themselves increasingly targeted by the same cultural forces that women’ve faced for generations. And while it’s tempting to say “Hey, welcome to The Beauty Myth boys, hope you survive the experience…”, men’s struggles with body image and feeling desired are very real and can do some serious damage.

Body dysmorphia is on the rise in men, as are cases of disordered eating,  use of questionable (and illegal) supplements and drugs and people going to extremes to try to live up to nearly impossible standards. The incel community is a famous example, especially with many folks spending tens of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery — only to be disappointed when their lives don’t magically improve.

Greg certainly isn’t alone; I can’t count the number of letters I get from folks who are absolutely convinced that they’re too ugly to be loved. Even in the NerdLove Academy Facebook group, there’ve been discussions about guys who feel like they don’t measure up to some suitably arbitrary standard that would make them attractive… no matter what women say. Including the women in their lives.

So I understand your frustration.

I also understand the frustration that comes from telling someone over and over again that you find them attractive and it doesn’t seem to sink in. You start to wonder what the point is. Do they not get that it kinda sucks to be asked for your opinion, then basically be accused of lying?

But here’s the thing about that: it actually does help. More often than not, he wouldn’t be asking you for affirmation if he didn’t actually value or trust your opinion in the first place. Yeah, for the guy who’s asking for that affirmation, it can feel like “well, you HAVE to say that…”, but at the same time, the reason why he’s asking is because it at some level, it actually does reassure him.

However, sometimes it doesn’t quite sink in the way you’d hope. Sometimes it’s about the words. Just as conflicting love languages can cause miscommunication, different ideas about desire and attraction can make it harder to give somebody the affirmation that they need. While Greg is asking for affirmation and validation that you find him desirable, the problem is that he’s framing it in a strictly visual and physical sense. This is understandable; after all, we’re not just people, we’re also pieces of meat and sometimes a dude just wants to be objectified. But when your primary mode of attraction isn’t visual or physical, it’s hard to make that reassurance stick because he doesn’t connect what you find attractive with his conception of it.

Part of the way you can bridge the gap is to tell him exactly what you told me in this letter. Slowly giving him that run-down of qualities that turn you on — especially if you do so while also starting to get physical with him — can help penetrate that sense of “But I need to look like Chris Evans/Pine/Pratt/Hemsworth!” in ways that mere words don’t. Hell, make it an act of seduction and bang his brains out right then and there and he might get the point.

But sometimes the secret when you can’t find the right words is to borrow the words from someone else. And while a lot has been made about Shakespeare’s “My Lover’s Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun”, I think the most effective words in your case may come from one Amelia Pond:

“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later, they’re as dull as a brick. Then there’s other people and you meet them and you think, ‘Not bad, they’re okay.’ And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of… becomes them, like their personality is written all over it. And they just… they turn into something so beautiful.”

Sometimes the most important thing that somebody could hear from their lover is that the thing that makes them sexy is that they’re shaped exactly like themselves.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com