DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just started reading your column and I need advice on the following problem: I have an unrequited best friendship with someone (you could call her A). Like, I want to be best friends and she wants to be good friends or friends. And I don’t know how labels work. I just want to hang out with her all the time. And I just worry that I’m not good enough (like, everything I like about myself, such as being friendly and funny, such as enjoying sci-fi books, she has tenfold) and I worry that I will drive her away (maybe us hanging out so much puts strain on the friendship, maybe me finding excuses to hang out with her has started becoming transparent) and I worry about my ulterior motives that, maybe if I hang out with her enough, we will magically move from being good friends to best friends.

I really can’t help it that I’m so happy hanging out with her and she is for all intents and purposes my best friend. We see each other in groups and one-on-one almost every day each week. I look forward to hanging out with her all day on the rare days that we don’t see each other, then I’m waiting to hang out with her the next day. Like, I have a good number of friends. She just far outshines them all.

As background, we have the same lifestyle (a few years out of college, work part-time) and hobbies (hiking, books). We have the same taste in everything. We now hang out almost six days each week. The timeline of our friendship is as follow:

11 months ago: we started seeing each one-on-one as friends. We hung out one to four times each week to do our mutual hobbies.

2 months ago: we become, in my view, best friends. We really started discussing our personal lives and we realize just how many shared interests and commonalities we really have together.

1 month ago: she becomes incredibly busy with a personal project and is worried that I think we’re dating. She tells me that we need to stop seeing each other one-one-one. I tell her that I have no desire to date her and that I only want to be friends. I incorrectly figure we’re breaking up as friends (and I text her a few days later that ‘she’s one of my best friends and that I wish we could see each other again’).

1 week ago: she asks for my help with that personal project. I, of course, say yes (while it’s work for her, it’s fun for me and I also want to see more of her).

So, as we’re working on the project, about a week ago, she clarifies that she thinks we’re good friends. She explains that she’s had some bad, male “friends” who wanted to date her (which is additionally not good because she’s gay). She said she likes me as a friend. And I really like that. I just can’t think of her as a friend, because, while I have plenty of friends, she is my only best friend. Like, I see her four times more often than anyone else. And, unlike all my other friends, she and I have the same taste in basically everything. I know I shouldn’t compare other people. She’s just my favorite person to hang out with and, if I had a choice, I would hang out with her every day.

And I just wonder what your advice is as follow:

1) Do I just keep going along with this friendship like I don’t have all these feelings (besides that earlier text, I have never said anything about us being “best friends,” even though that’s basically how I feel)?

2) How do I stop worrying about our future as friends (like, I personally already have plans for us eating brunch twenty years from now; well, we do also have a few plans set for six months from now; I really see potential for us as friends and I just can’t help thinking constantly about ways to be a better friend to her)?

3) How do I avoid becoming too much for her (like, I have stopped texting her as much given she’s now a lot more busy; and I’m trying to keep myself collected. I’m just always available for plans with her in a way that I wouldn’t be for other friends and I think she’s starting to notice that)?

Sincerely,

Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: As with many questions like this, there’re the questions you’re asking… and then there the questions you SHOULD be asking, Confused. But let’s roll it from the top, shall we?

You have a platonic crush. Some folks call it a squish, some folks call it “falling in like”… it’s basically a non-romantic fascination. And honestly, I get it; I’ve got people in my life that I feel the same way. I don’t want to date them or sleep with them, I just think they’re awesome and like being friends with ’em.

The annoying thing about this sort of crush is that… well, it can come with a lot of the same anxieties and insecurities that come with a crush or romantic interest in someone. Just because the end-goal is different doesn’t mean that you don’t worry about someone liking you back in the same way and to the same level. And, like with a crush, you need to not get so far out over your skis that you end up crashing. It’s easy to inadvertently get so caught up in the New Friendship Energy that you get too intense for someone and cause them to back off. This can be especially tricky when dealing with friendships with someone who’s of your preferred gender; an intense friendship — or the desire for one — can come across like romantic interest. A lot of folks, women especially, have had people try to use friendship as a Trojan horse for starting a romantic or sexual relationship, so they’re understandably cautious.

And honestly, it sounds like you’re coming across as really intense, so I’m not entirely surprised she’s got her shields up.

Part of the issue here is that it sounds a lot like you’re taking the wrong tack for trying to improve your friendship with her. If you’re focusing on “what can I do to be a better friend”, then it’s really easy to trip yourself up. The idea of understanding somebody’s love languages applies as much to friendship as it does to romantic relationships; if, for example, your language is gifts or acts of service and they don’t receive in that way, it can come across as though you’re trying to create friendship via a sense of obligation. It may not be what you’re intending — you just like doing things for your friends — but intent ain’t magic, especially if it’s setting off their Spidey-sense.

It’s also not how you build a friendship.

The key to building friendships and transitioning from “acquaintance” to “friends” to “good friends” is through time and repetition.  Spending time together, doing things you enjoy and enjoying each other’s presence is the core to turning an acquaintance into a good friend. Hanging out, grabbing a beer, playing games together or otherwise having fun — including good conversation — are how you solidify the ties between you and your friend. And, critically, it needs to be leisure time, when the two of you choose to spend time together. Spending time when you are required to, such as at work or on school projects, doesn’t have the same effect.

And when I say “time”, I mean it. It takes approximately 50 hours to go from “acquaintance” to “casual friend”, about 100 hours to become “good friends” and more than 200 hours to become “best friends”.

So if you want to be friends, you need to just slow your roll and be willing to invest the time and let the friendship grow organically. Trying to force it or rush it is how you end up coming across as entirely to eager and end up putting people on the defensive. That eager-to-please excitement can be adorable in a child or a puppy, but it’s kind of annoying (at best) in a grown-ass adult.

Right now, you’ve pushed a little too hard and she’s putting up some boundaries for her own emotional protection. The best thing you can do rebuild her comfort and trust by showing that you respect those boundaries. If she’s worried about hanging out with you one-on-one for now, then don’t push it. You can still see her, but you will just have to do so at group events and the like. Show that you are willing to prioritize her comfort and limits and she’ll see that mistaking your friendship for romantic interest was just a wacky misunderstanding.

But it’s going to be on you not to push too hard or let your enthusiasm get too intense. You can still chat, you can still hang out… but you may just need to let it be a series of short, shallower conversations, or hang-outs in group settings. Be willing to let her take the set the pace, keep things low-key and you won’t end up overdoing it.

Now here’s the question you need to ask yourself: is the label “best friends” really so important to you? Is it so vital that she gives that stamp to your relationship, or can you simply just appreciate that you are friends without having to quantify it? Needing to label things in this case sounds a little less like trying to define the relationship and more about the validation of her saying “yes, you’re my BFF”. Focusing on the exact level of your friendship meters with regard to one another or trying to plan things out 20 years from now is a lot like a finger pointing to the moon; if you focus on the finger, you miss all the heavenly glory. Be in the now, live for this moment; otherwise all you do is sabotage your future and miss out on your present.

If you want to be a good friend to her, then appreciate the friendship for what it is, instead of strategizing how to turn it into more. Just relax and enjoy the time you spend together; that’s how you become best friends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: just wanted to reach out to you for some advice, I have never had any luck with women and at 25 I’m still a virgin not that it matters because it just means I haven’t had that experience.

I have zero self confidence around women whatsoever, I have never fit in and have been bullied most of my life. I have always been the socially awkward, quiet, shy and weird guy, I have just recent been able to start making friends in college. I am really worried that I will say the wrong thing and appear creepy to women or I get consent and they regret being with me later and my ability to practice in my potential career will be ruined.

There is a girl that I work with that is five years younger than me that I have feelings for but I won’t act on because I don’t want to make things awkward or uncomfortable. I also think she is way out of my league as she is funny, intelligent and really cute where as I’m weird, awkward, goofy, slightly below average looking and not the sharpest tool in the shed.

This girl teases me all the time and work and makes me laugh but, I think just does it to make fun of me, I asked her why she did it over text and if it was because I’m and easy target and her response was “Could be ;)” “but I dont make fun of you!!”. This coworker has also randomly messaged me “Love Yoouuuu” out of the blue and randomly referred to me as “babe” at work when I asked her if it was a slip of the tongue and she said no. This behavior confuses me maybe I should just avoid her entirely if possible.

The other thing that I fear is affecting me is being ginger, I don’t think most women like or even prefer ginger guys, gingers are popular with men not women. I also feel like I have to have a rhinoplasty to correct my crooked nose and braces in order to be even average looking to women.

How would you gain confidence and get over someone who you shouldn’t have feelings for?

Weird Awkward Nerd

DEAR WEIRD AWKWARD NERD:Ok so this is one giant tangled knot of misconceptions, WAN. But I think rather than trying to pick things apart, we’re just gonna take the Alexander approach and cut straight through it.

First things first WAN, let me help you put this fear to bed: nobody is out there consenting to sex, then deciding they didn’t like it and using that as a vehicle for destroying somebody’s life. The myth of “regret=rape” is bulls

t being spread by folks who think concepts like “enthusiastic consent” give too much power to women to say “no”.

Similarly, saying the wrong thing isn’t going to be the end of the world. Creepiness isn’t a one-off event, nor is it about looks; it’s a series of behaviors and attitudes that make people feel unsafe. Basic consideration and social calibration goes a long, long way towards avoiding being a creeper. Most of what you need to do is simply relax and be mindful of other people’s comfort.

By the same token: there are no such things as leagues; there are people who are into you, and people who aren’t. If someone’s attracted to you and wants to date you, then by definition, you’re in their league… even if they’re a princess and you’re a cave troll.

But at the same time: dude, where in pluperfect f

kery did you get the idea that women don’t like gingers? I mean, this is easy to dismiss by looking at the number of girls who went apes

t for Ron and George Weasely in the Harry Potter movies, or the women who get the screaming thigh-sweats for Eddy Sheeran. Or, for that matter, the fans of Michael Fassbender, Paul Bettany, Domnhall Gleeson, Robert Redford…

I mean, I could go on.

(Also, dude. *I’m* a ginger and I can tell you from experience: that’s never been a problem for me.)

Your biggest issue is that you’ve convinced yourself that you’re unattractive and you’ve worked backwards from there. And look, if I had a nickel for everyone who’s written in convinced that they’re Phantom of the Opera level deformed and was actually perfectly average AT WORST, then Elon Musk and I would be having giant mecha fights off the coast of San Jose.

Here’s the thing: 90% of being attractive is about presentation, not bone structure or physical features. All you have to do to see this is to do a search for “celebrities without makeup” or “instagram vs. reality” to see just how much conventional attractiveness is about how you present yourself. S

t, watch some episodes of Queer Eye and see just how transformative a change of clothes and a hair cut can be.

You don’t need a nose job to be attractive; you need to make changes to how you present yourself. People spend luxury-car amounts of money on plastic surgery and are still miserable. Getting a good hair cut and wearing clothes that fit and look good on you will do far more for making you feel like a sexy bad-ass.

All of these doubts and self-limiting beliefs are just retroactively justifying what you already believe. It’s confirmation bias in action; you ignore any signs that people might think you’re cute as “that doesn’t count”, while you double and triple down on anything that goes along with your belief that you’re an unf

kable troll.

Which actually brings us to your friend at work. I think you’re radically misinterpreting what she’s doing and why. Yes, she’s teasing you… but teasing isn’t inherently malicious. In fact, a lot of people will use teasing as a form of flirting; they’re showing interest in a gently playful way. I strongly suspect that this is coming from a place of affection. Part of the fun is how flustered or worked up you get; I’m willing to bet that if someone asked her why she likes to nudge at you like this, she’d tell them that it’s because your reactions are cute.

Because, straight talk: women don’t call folks “babe” or tease folks the way your coworker is teasing you if they don’t like them. This isn’t necessarily a sign that she’d like to date you… but it’s a damn sight closer to that than the idea that she’s taunting you or being cruel. The problem is that you don’t want to believe that someone you think of as attractive could like you.

If you were to start teasing her back, the way she teases you? Not only do I think she’d love it, I think you’d find the two of you would really connect. I can’t say that you’d start dating… but you sure as hell would have a much better time at work and make a very good friend. And that might lead to something new and amazing.

But to do that, you have to start by accepting that hey, people think you’re cute, fun and like you.

Because hey: they clearly do.

You’ve got far more going for you than you realize, WAN; you just won’t let yourself believe it. Take some time to make some changes to how you dress and style yourself, let those changes sink in and make you feel awesome and open yourself up to your own potential. I think you’ll surprise yourself in just how much you’re capable of if you give yourself a chance.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: 3 and a half years ago, I used to suck at relationships. I was not the nicest person to be around, being selfish, entitled, needy… the whole package. My relationships, if any, never lasted more than 3 months and almost always ended up in the other person ghosting me, and since I apparently never got the message, breaking up in the worst terms possible. So I got coaching. Yes, this did terrible things to my life, but that’s another topic.

Anyway. after this coaching thing was over I met who I then thought was the perfect woman. She made me want to feel better, she was always fun to hang with, I never was tired when she was around, she had a crazy sex drive (which meant we almost never slept), she got me into art and movies, she wasn’t afraid of calling me sexy and hot, something that had never happened to me before… it was a wonderful year.

But then things changed for both of us. She started her own business and I was jobless, so seeing each other was hard. I had no reliable source of income, so I couldn’t afford the 2-and-a-half hours ride to her place that often, and she suddenly had way less time for me since she had to devote everything to other things. She ended things up, seeing how it was complicated to make it work.

And I fell hard.

I had to go to therapy. I cried many nights. I gained a lot of weight. I sabotaged a couple of relationships after her, just because they weren’t her.

Eventually, things got a bit better. I now know that what I longed for (still do, sometimes) was the “her” of that time, that was so compatible with the “me” back then. And we’re not the same persons we were.

But since being lonely after getting used to having sex almost everywhere, every day, is not a nice feeling, I somehow got good at the “one night stands” game. It’s not hard for me to get someone to spend the night with, but it always ends there. No second dates, no “stay for breakfast”… nothing. And I’m beginning to fear that I’m too afraid to open up again, just because nobody can measure up to the one relationship I had that did not suck. So, is there anything I can do? Am I past the point of no return? In other words, how do I get a relationship?

Thanks in advance.

Stray Cat Strut

DEAR STRAY CAT STRUT: There are a couple things to think about here, SCS.

The first is that you’re creating an artificial divide between one-night stands and potential relationships. I can’t count the number of people I know — both in my personal life and clients that I’ve worked with — who’s long-term relationships started off as one-night stands that just… didn’t end, really. The skills that help you find someone who is interested in a casual hook-up are the same skills that help you find someone who wants things that are more committed and more long-term. The only real difference is in how you apply them.

In fact, as odd as it may sound, the bigger issue people have is keeping things casual; more people try to create and maintain a casual, no-strings attached relationship and find themselves catching feelings by mistake.

So it’s not as though you can’t make the leap, if that’s what you want.

On a purely skill-based, mechanical level, making the transition from “casual” to “committed” depends on the expectations you set and the way you behave with your partners. One of the reasons why one-night stands tend to stay one-night stands is because the people involved aren’t that invested in the person they’re sleeping with. It’s less about connecting with a person and more about getting their rocks off, which means that they come to it treating the other person like a human-shaped masturbation toy. Focusing on connecting,  treating your partner like a person with needs and desires from the get-go and getting to know them on more than a “let’s make squishy-noises” level all help make the leap from “Ok this was nice now get out” to “You know, I might like to see you again.”

Problem is, more people tend to just get off, wipe their metaphorical dick on the curtains and head out the door before the sweat’s started to dry. Small wonder a lot of folks either don’t like one-night stands or aren’t interested in seeing the other person again.

But I think the bigger issue for you is who you’re pursuing. I’m wondering if you’re actually interested in the people you’re sleeping with for more than just sex. It sounds to me like you’re not actively looking for someone who might be as awesome as your ex; you may have decided there’s no point, so why bother trying. And that could be equal parts Oneitis and feeling like you don’t deserve someone as good.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m wondering if all those one-night stands are part of why you feel like you couldn’t find someone like her again. That you’re “not good enough” to date, so you only let yourself look for quickies instead… and since you’re the sort of person who only gets one-night stands, you’re not “worthy” of getting a “real” relationship.

Here’s the thing: I’ve been where you are. There was a point where I thought I had the perfect girlfriend, the perfect job and the perfect life. And then in short order, I got fired from the perfect job and dumped by my perfect girlfriend. And while it sucked worse than anything had sucked before… when I gave myself time to heal and recover and get some perspective, I realized just how wrong I was. The job wasn’t actually right for me — it was what I thought I wanted, but not something I actually enjoyed or found fulfilling. My “perfect” girlfriend was a great person — and we’re still friends today — but the relationship wasn’t one that actually met my needs; in fact, I was always terrified about it all falling apart. I wasn’t in the right place to be dating at all, never mind her.

With time, experience and distance, not only was I able to come to terms with all of this, but I started getting to know myself better. And despite losing all those “perfect” parts of my life… I was able to find a new career and new relationships that were actually right for me.

But a lot of it involved my being willing to forgive myself for “losing” all of that.

I think that’s what you need more than anything else. You need to forgive yourself for not being able to hold onto that “perfect” relationship, for the mess you found yourself in afterwards and the strings of hook-ups you’ve had since. Your relationship with your ex didn’t fail; it simply reached it’s natural end-point and you had to move on to the next stage of your story. And while she was amazing and you had some great times… there are many, many women out there who are just as amazing, and who are right for who you are now.

The key is that you have to be willing to give yourself permission to find them.

You don’t need to change up your game, as it were; you just need to start changing how you play it. You have the skills to find your next adventure; you just have to apply them differently. Instead of looking for folks who are just up for sex that night, prioritize meeting people who are just awesome. People who yeah, may be down to bang… but people you’d want to see again. And when you do find them… focus on connecting and commonalities more than the sex. The more you can build that sense of connection, the more likely it’ll be that hooking up that night will lead to breakfast the next day… and then dinner the following night.

You’ll find someone just as great as your ex. You just have to let yourself be open to it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com