DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a guy in my early 20’s and just finished my fifth term at university. This term I’ve began studying a new subject in a new class. We’re a small class – no more than 15 people – so everyone knows everyone, and we meet several times a week both during and outside of lectures. I’m really glad that I have begun this class, because for the first time in a long time I really feel a sense of community and belonging, something which you have pointed out the importance of before, and I’ve grown fond of my fellow classmates.

Now, as you may have guessed there is a girl in this class, whom I have taken to like. Of course, it’s hard not to, she is a wonderful person. Kind, funny, honest, social, considerate, interesting, trustworthy, emotionally deep, etc. Just this week, one morning we were both about an hour early for class and practically alone on campus because it was so early. We sat down with a cup of coffee and had a conversation on our own, which is a rare occurrence given us people in the class mostly meet each other in groups, we are a class after all. I felt like we had an understanding and made a connection during our chat. We spoke confidentially about some things, about life and about ourselves. I revealed to her some things about myself that I don’t really talk with most people about. Nothing extraordinary, just things about my past which I consider private and only reveal to friends I really trust. She revealed some things about her to me, and I felt honoured to be trusted. When we were interrupted by another classmate’s joining us, I felt like we had understood each other, which to me is rare, and that I had taken my connection with this girl to a new level. It felt good.

Now, so far I haven’t mentioned my problem. The problem is that I’m not sure about I how feel about her. To me, love is not just romantic, but also something much bigger than encompasses friendship, family, and even strangers to some degree (love thy neighbour, I think it’s a good principle, actually). And the thing is that as I’ve come to know her more, I also began liking her more and more, and now I like her quite a lot. But I’m not sure whether I like her only as friend or as something more, what I do know I don’t usually feel like this about friends. Which brings me to my next problem.

Which is, that I only want to love her as a friend, a good friend (because I treasure friendship heavily). There are a number of reasons for this; the main one would be that she already has a boyfriend. But even if she didn’t, I think I’d still just want to be friends with her. For one thing, we have lifestyle differences which are incompatible, like she’s at a very different stage of her career than me (I hope to graduate and move away soon, she just began studying at university) and other things. Another thing is the possibility of ruining the potential for a lifelong friendship with a very good person because of a relationship that may only last a few years so. Simply put, I don’t want to be anything else than a platonic friend with her, and it’s mutual (I’m guessing, since she has a boyfriend already).

So then we arrive at my real question and problem. Can I control my feelings? I think it would be very hard to have a crush on her and see her every day for maybe another year. It would be tough, even brutal. The last time I fell in love I landed hard on the ground and had to isolate myself from the girl that I loved in order to reset. But it was some time ago and I’m not sure how I would handle it now. In any case, I’m very unwilling to give up this class now, not only because it gives me a sense of community, but also because the subject is essential for my future career.

So in short my problem is that I am afraid that I will fall in love her (or have already) and that it will be painful and perhaps cost me a good friend. Is this a possible case of oneitis? Or am I merely worrying too much? Can I remain “just” friends with this person? I’m not sure any more and that’s why I’m writing to you for some external input and answers to these questions.

Best regards,

Furnishing The Friend Zone

DEAR FURNISHING THE FRIEND ZONE: I think you’re putting several carts before one very confused horse, FtFZ. Before you start worrying about whether you’re going to end up with a crush on her and unable to be friends and this is going to make you miserable… how’s about you deal with things as they are now. One of the problems I see fairly often are guys – and girls too, but mostly guys – who round up “woah, I met someone cool!” up into “THIS IS A LOVE TO LAST THE AGES” before you’ve they’ve so much as had a second cup of coffee together. Which is cute, I guess, in an excited puppy kind of way, but a little less so in grown-ass adults.

Now, this happens because of a couple of issues.

The first is that guys tend to raised to not handle or express their emotions – especially not around guys. It’s part and parcel of the toxic masculinity package; when you’re not allowed to be emotionally vulnerable to anyone, those emotions sit and fester inside you. When you’re finally able to let them out, it feels amazing and liberating. You feel connected with people in ways you hadn’t been before because there was this part of you you felt that you had to keep to yourself. And if you’re not used to feeling emotional intimacy and closeness with people, especially people who aren’t family, then it’s easy to mistake that feeling for romantic inclinations.

The other issue that tends to coexist within this particular milieu comes about when guys don’t often interact socially with women except in a primarily romantic context. Because guys often see women as potential sexual or romantic partners first and friends/colleagues/what-have-you second, you get a lot of confusion over what is otherwise basic social interaction. Politeness and niceness gets mistaken for flirting or interest because guys are using romance as the filter to view the interaction and make their assumptions accordingly. The problem here is that, frankly, platonic friendship between men and women tends to be devalued. You can see it everywhere – from terms like The Friend Zone1 to using the phrase “just” friends, as though friendship were inconsequential or less important than a romantic or sexual relationship.

And when you combine these with the social discouragement for guys to open up emotionally to other guys… well… now things get awkward.

Case in point: you, FtFZ. You’ve had a great, surprisingly open and intimate conversation with someone and you’re feeling pretty awesome about things. But because you had that conversation and you’re floating on the good feelings that came with it, you’re feeling as though this could be love instead of a potentially awesome friend. You’re rounding up based on a whole lot of assumptions and no real evidence and making an issue where there really isn’t one in the first place.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your friendship here is to slow your roll. You’re assuming love is inevitable when in reality, it may never even be a thing. Not if you keep your head and realize that feeling good around someone, even being attracted to them isn’t the same thing as love. Nor, for that matter, is it a mandate. You can be attracted to somebody and not do anything about it. You can just let those feelings exist without having to act on them, whether acting is in trying to get a date or trying to shove them away and pretend that you don’t feel the way you do.

What you need to do is to stop thinking “Oh god, what if I fall in love?” and start thinking “woah, she’s awesome, I made a new friend!” Stop telling yourself the story of your future hopeless crush and focus on the present of “awesome person and you may be close friends for a long time.”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a situation where I just don’t really know what to do, and could use some advice. Six months ago, I got divorced from my wife, who I had been with for just under ten years. It was her choice, not mine, and I was heartbroken by it, but I’m now at the stage where I think I’d like to get out there and meet new people.

The problem is, I don’t know where to start. I’m in a small city, but I don’t know anyone here, as when we split I made a conscious choice to go further away and start again. I enjoy my job, but my colleagues aren’t really interested in being my friends, so I don’t have any real social circles with which to meet people.

I’ve joined OK Cupid, but I’ve no idea how to sell myself (and I don’t like the idea of Tinder, plus I don’t have a Facebook so I don’t think I can use it anyway?) and, well, I sort of don’t even really know who I am anymore. Over the ten years past, I changed myself a lot for her – so I’m now in a situation where I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m 37, so most of the folk on OKC are looking for guys younger than me, but I don’t have the money to spend on a bigger site at the moment.

I’m obviously not putting the divorce on the profile (as I don’t want to scare people off) but if anyone does make contact with me, when should I tell them that I’m recently divorced? I’m still in contact with my ex – the split was amicable, and there are still legal things that need done here and there, so it’s not something I could entirely hide (and I don’t like lying to people either).

There’s also the fact I’m not really sure what I’m looking for – initially, something casual and fun would be ideal, but I get the feeling women see “casual” form guys as meaning “just want to get laid” and that’s not who I am either.

Is there any advice you can give for an aging geek who simply doesn’t have any idea what to do anymore?

– Wasteland Wanderer

DEAR WASTELAND WANDERER: First things first, WW: stop treating “being divorced” as the scarlet letter. This isn’t a thing to be ashamed of, it’s just a relationship that came to an end; the only difference between this and other break-ups is there’s more paperwork involved. All that’s happening right now is you’re starting over in a new city under new circumstances. Right now, you should probably focus on rebuilding your life in this new area more than anything else. Getting to know the city, finding your niche within it, building up your new Team You… these are all more important than worrying about when to tell someone you were married once.

Take a little time and get back on your feet and get comfortable. I get how hard it is to make new friends, especially later in life, but you’ve got resources out there if you want to take them. The best thing you can do to meet new people – whether potential friends or lovers – is to leverage your interests. What do you like to do? What sorts of things interest you outside of work? You want to find ways to indulge your interests and passions in ways that bring you together with other people who have like-minded interests. MeetUp is great for this – finding organized get-togethers based around particular interests are a great way to find folks who share your interests. Other things like volunteering, amateur sports leagues (especially less “serious” ones like kickball or beach volleyball) or even just going out and practicing being social while watching the game at your local bar are ways to get to know people and slowly build your social circle again.

As for OKCupid: I’ve written a lot about how to sell yourself in your online profile and there’ll be a cool new product for folks interested in making the most out of their online dating adventures coming up in the very near future. But the two things you want to keep in mind is that a) you’re selling yourself like you would sell a product and b) you want to let people see your good side. Being down on yourself, self-depricating humor, “why am I even on here” comments are all going to be sending “stay away” signals. So too will advertising bitterness, resentment and entitlement. You want to position yourself as someone who’s confident, fun and approachable. Yeah, you’ve had a rough time of it lately, but the best thing you can do is be positive and upbeat with your dating profile. Don’t be ashamed of wanting something casual – all you’re asking for is something low-commitment and low investment for right now. Being up front about it will help filter out the people whose desires will be incompatible with yours.

Similarly, don’t worry about “disclosing” your divorce – it’s not like it’s some deep dark secret, after all. Unless it’s immediately relevant, it shouldn’t even be a topic of conversation. If someone asks about your dating history (odds are they won’t) and you feel like answering, you can just say “I was married for a while, it didn’t work out,” and leave it there. You don’t need to elaborate or explain and, honestly, it’s better if you don’t. It’s one of those areas where strong emotions can throw things off; if you come off as resentful and bitter about your ex, you’re sending an unappealing message about your relationship history. If you turn it into a feelingsdump about how sad you are about your divorce, it betrays a lack of social calibration and leaves your date feeling like she’s suddenly your therapist instead of a possible romantic (or sexual) interest.

Your biggest issue is that you’re overthinking things. You’ve got a lot of understandable anxiety over being single again and the dating world has changed since last you had to explore it. But ultimately, it’s not that different and if you give yourself some time to heal and adjust, you’ll find that you’ll be able to navigate it again. And remember: you were with someone for more than a decade. You’ve experienced just about every conversational situation with someone of the opposite sex that you can imagine. You’ve got all of this experience that will serve you well if you let yourself breathe, settle down and go with the flow. It’s not nearly as bad as you think.

You’ll be OK.

So, TL;DR version: prioritize getting settled and building a new social circle over dating. The more secure you feel in your new situation, the better you’ll do on the dating scene. Don’t stress the divorce; it happens and people will understand.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 20 year old college student who until recently had zero experience with women. After the end of classes, I went out to a bar with some friends, mainly just to be social (I’m not a big bar guy). I was already pretty drunk from an earlier party, and one thing led to another, and I ended up first chatting with this girl, then dancing with her, and then going home with her. This was pretty exciting. Anyway, we get to her place, and as it happens, once we’re both naked and making out, I can’t get an erection. I’m enough of a biology nerd not to be bothered by this— I was very drunk, and alcohol acts as a circulatory depressant— and I was more than happy to have gotten so far in my first ever experience with a girl. Anyway, I’m a 20 year old guy; I have no worries about my ability to get erection under non extremely, extremely drunk circumstances.

The worry I have is that the girl I was with began pouting, and saying how she was sorry she didn’t excite me, and just acting like she was at fault. I tried to reassure her that it absolutely had nothing to do with her, but as I say, I was very drunk, and not at my most persuasive. I like this girl just as a person, and even though I probably won’t sleep with her again, I’m really worried that she is getting the totally wrong idea— that she was failing to arouse me— when in fact, she couldn’t have possibly been sexier. I’m really bad at this emotional stuff, and I hate the idea that I’ve inadvertently made her feel bad for what was just a fact of biology. What should I do in this circumstance?

— Irrationally Afraid of Upsetting People

DEAR IRRATIONALLY AFRAID OF UPSETTING PEOPLE: Everyone with a penis has or will have an occasion when things will fail to rise to the occasion. Sometimes this will be because of anxiety. Sometimes this will be because of illness. Sometimes this will be because you didn’t get enough sleep last night. Or it could be blood-flow problems, lack of genuine arousal or any number of other issues that cause your junk to throw it’s hands up and go “NOPE!”

What I’m saying is that penises are goddamn prima-donnas and will fail to do their thing for pretty much any reason at any time. They are the genital equivalent of Lucciano Pavarotti: refusing to perform if they decide that circumstances are not exactly as they insist it should be.

This is a fairly simple issue: you give a grin and say “Sorry, I think I drank too much”. And then you go down on her like you’re drowning and the last available oxygen tank has been hidden between her thighs. Or you use your hands to get her off. Or you reach into your drawer and pull out a vibrator and go to town with it on her. Or you make out like crazy, go to bed, then wake up the next morning when the booze has worn off and bang like a screen door in a hurricane.

(Don’t worry; orgasms are a great way to get rid of headaches.)

But that’s for future occasions of genital betrayal. What about now, when you’re absolutely convinced that your hook-up thinks that you weren’t as into her as you claimed to be? Well to be honest, a lot depends on how likely you are to see her again and what kind of relationship you have outside of your fumbled assignation. If it’s a case of “never going to see her again”, then just accept that it’s a learning experience and try to not get as drunk next time. If you’re on “say hi if you see each other but that’s about it” terms, then just you can always say “hey, sorry about the other night. I was having a great time with you, but I’d had too much to drink.” If you’re good terms, you could then offer to go out on a date, maybe some dancing since she clearly dug that, and see if the magic is still there… just without as much booze this time.

But honestly, you’re overthinking things. The occasional less-than-satisfying encounter happens to men and women; it’s part of the dating experience and most people are going to run into it at one point or another. It’s a safe bet that you haven’t destroyed this person’s self-esteem or that they think you don’t like them.

If this woman is someone who’s either part of your social group or someone you see on the regular, continuing to treat them as you normally do will do more to disperse the awkward moments. You’ll be fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just want to say I really enjoy your content. It’s great that the self-help advice you give to guys like me isn’t toxic, like most of the other stuff you find online.

I just want a bit of clarification about something you have said numerous times throughout your work. You explain how women enjoy sex as much as men do and that is helpful to you guys struggling to date or be sexually active. But how can that be helpful for a guy like me? If women want enjoyable sex then they will go with the guys that are very attractive and good at sex. I’m sure women take one look at me and can tell I’d be trash in bed. I mean, if women enjoy sex, they are sure to go after experienced studs.

I’m not ugly but I am still not super hot. I don’t radiate hyper masculine virility. I am also not particularly experienced sexually. I’m not a virgin, but I have had sex only about six times with maybe 4 partners since I lost my virginity about years ago at age 27.

Why would any woman on Earth want me as a sexual partner when there is little change I can satisfy them in bed? Average looking inexperienced guys like me can’t make women cum like pornstars. I do want to establish that I have no problem with the fact women enjoy sex, they have every right to. I feel no resentment, just sadness. I don’t see what a sexually liberated woman who knows what see wants would want with me when they could find a much more masculine guy that has been with many more partners than me.

I’m not trying to whine here, I genuinely want to understand why the fact that women love sex as men is good for a guy like me and lead me to having a much happier love and sex life.

Thank you for your time,

Les Manly

DEAR LES MANLY: Um, you haven’t just missed the point, LM, you’ve missed a galaxy of points when it comes to women’s sexual agency and pleasure. And a lot of what you’re saying simply isn’t true; it’s a combination of self-limiting beliefs and mistaken ideas about what women are looking for in a partner… or what makes someone a good lover, for that matter.

The first is that numbers don’t mean much when it comes to skill. There’re folks I know who have racked up truly insane numbers of partners… but will never manage to sleep with the same person twice. They can attract ’em, but they’re so awful in bed that they’ll never get a repeat performance. Meanwhile, there’re friends of mine who can count the number of partners they’ve had on the fingers of one hand with plenty to spare, and yet their partners will swear on a stack of bibles that those are the best lovers they’ve ever had, ever.

The next is that “attractive” is a huge moving target. You’re treating attraction as being purely physical, and a very narrow idea of physicality at that. But not only does attraction mean far more than just physical good looks, but “good looks” are a matter of presentation more than anything else. Don’t believe me? Do a search for “celebrities without makeup” or “Instagram vs. Reality”. Or just look up pictures of what Brad Pitt looks like when he’s not shooting movies.

But by the same token, what women consider physically attractive is going to vary drastically. Part of the problem is that you’re buying into an idea about what women are into… but that’s what guys think women are into. If you ask women, you’re going to get vastly different responses. Guys convince themselves that dudes need to look like Henry Caville in The Witcher in order to have half a chance, while scores of women would commit any number of crimes for a chance to lick frosting off Paul Hollywood. And of course, there’s always Serge Gainsbourg — a man who looked like his mother spent too much time in Innsmouth, and yet got ass like he was in a car chase, drove over an ass cart and crashed through a plate-ass window.

But then there’s also the fact that women are attracted to more than just the physical. Guys made fun of the idea that, say, Jon Favreau’s character in Chef could ever hook up with Scarlett Johansson or Sofia Vergara without ever seeing what chef culture is actually like or the men and women who’re into them. A guy who can cook AND treats sex like eating a gourmet meal? That is a dude who is never gonna have a Saturday night alone if he doesn’t want to.

Then there’s the idea that you have to f

k like a porn star to be a great lover. First: you need to realize that porn sex is bad sex; it’s bears as much resemblance to real sex as The Fast and the Furious resembles to driving. It’s all done to look good for the camera, not to actually get someone off.

But more importantly, sex isn’t just about experience or technique. Being a great lover isn’t about knowing how to do the swirly-go-round, the Rusty Venture or the Transylvanian Twist, it’s about connecting with your partner. It’s about communication. Sex is incredibly individualistic; what gets one person off like a rocket is going to make other people’s skin crawl. Just because one person liked it when their lovers would get elbow-deep in them, that doesn’t mean everyone else will too. A big part of being a great lover is simply having a willingness to pay attention, an ability to take direction without letting the ego get in the way and a can-do attitude. Another big part? Being able to use your words and to encourage your partner to use theirs. The more they feel that they can ask for what they want — or better yet, show you — the better a lover you’ll be, because you’ll be able to provide them exactly what it is they need.

Nor are women just looking at you and assuming that you can’t f

k. I can tell you from experience: you can’t predict sexual skill by somebody’s looks. The worst sexual experiences I’ve had have been with women who had bodies that would make a priest kick in a stain-glass window… and they had all of the sexuality of a dead fish. Some of the most amazing, freak-nasty lovers I’ve ever had, on the other hand, had been people you would never suspect. 

Now, if you want to work on your visual appeal, then there are things you can do. Working on your presentation is a start. Learning how to dance is another thing that can help; a strong sense of rhythm, an ability to move your hips as well as to lead and follow? That’ll all help. But those are supplements, not requirements. The surest way to be someone that women will want to take home is simply to work on learning how to connect with them. Sexual attraction is as much in the brain and the heart as it is in the groin; if you want to get into someone’s pants, being able to get into their head. If they can’t get you off their mind, they’ll want you getting them off later.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com