DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 22 years old and I am a virgin. I have severe anxiety that is caused by me being a virgin. I need to figure out how to get over my anxiousness towards sex, dating and relationships and how it relates to my virginity. I feel that me being a virgin is a huge turnoff to women, especially my age, so I am very shy in approaching them.

Looking at me, people would probably be stunned that I am a virgin because I am in pretty great shape somewhat of a natural bodybuilder so, I know girls look at me and stare at me and whatnot.  I had a situation that had happened to me when I was around 19 where, long story short, I was in bed with a girl, I told her about my virginity and she laughed and told me I was pathetic but she would still f

k me anyway because she felt like no one else would.

Since then I have been very nervous to get in bed with any girls, so it has lead me to not even trying in shame and fear of rejection. I had a relationship I was in at 16 up until I was 19, where my now ex-girlfriend and I decided if we were going to have sex it would be after we married. She was very religious and I respected her so I wasn’t going to push it.

Well, she’s been gone, the relationships been gone and I feel that I have let myself fall behind. I have considered for the last few months about going to a prostitute and just paying $300-$350 for the hour and getting it over with;  I haven’t followed through with that yet because I am very nervous and I know I would be taking several unnecessary risks. Outside of my non-existent sex life, I have a great job that pays well, I have some education, several different work experiences and I know that if I am ever in need of a job, I would be taken care of by any of my former employers in a heartbeat.

Any advice you can give me would be much appreciated and put to good use, this holds me back as a person from dating and having the life I want to have and I don’t know where else to go to for help. Your videos on the virginity paradox and the incel community both made me feel that I need to reach out for help.

Thank you,

Left Behind

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: First things first, LB: being a virgin at your age isn’t that unusual. You’re a smidge older than average, but you’re still well within the mean of that particular spread. But honestly? Even if you were far on the edge of the graph… so the f

k what? Your being a virgin has exactly as much meaning and  significance as you give it, no more, no less. Being a virgin at 22 doesn’t make you any less of a man than losing it at 8 makes someone a stud. All it means is that you haven’t had a particular experience yet; that’s it.

I mean, your history and your life now are all indicators about just how bulls

t the stigma around virginity is. Your first serious girlfriend wanted to wait until marriage and you were willing to respect her beliefs. That’s as big of a sign of your good character as one could want. When you’re sixteen, you’re basically a walking erection. You’ve got all these hormones flooding through you that a stiff breeze would make you harder than Chinese calculus and yet you respected your girlfriend’s choices without protest. That’s admirable.

Similarly, now you’re a hot piece, with a good job and the admiration of many a lovely lady. That alone should tell you that the fact that you’re still a virgin isn’t because there’s something wrong with you.

The issue you’ve had hasn’t been that there’s something shameful  about being a virgin, some invisible mark of Cain that designates you as one of the Great Unf

kable, it’s that you’ve been dealing with a

holes. That girl who offered you a literal pity-f

k? She was an a

hole. Her s

tty behavior towards you after finding out that you were a virgin says nothing about you and everything about her being an awful goddamn person and you should thank whatever gods you believe in that you didn’t actually sleep with her. She didn’t deserve the privilege of being your first and you didn’t deserve the ignominy of having your first sexual experience be with her. You, my friend, dodged a bullet like you just got told there is no spoon.

Honestly it sounds to me like the biggest issue for you is the sting of the a

hole making fun of you. And while that’s understandable, her being an a

hole has nothing to do with you; a

holes are gonna ass. But there’re more good, caring people than there are a

holes out there, and anyone worth sleeping with isn’t going to give you s

t like she did.

Now would going to a sex worker solve your problems? I’m inclined to say no, but only because the issue is in your sense of self-worth. From a purely objective standpoint, there’s no reason not to. A sex worker, especially one who’s in a position to charge $300 an hour is almost certainly going to want to make sure your first time is a rewarding one. She’s much more likely to put care and consideration into your experience and center the appointment around you and your pleasure than, say, a random hook-up at a bar. And honestly, there are less risks involved with an escort than a stranger, especially in locales where sex work is legal. So if you decide you want to hop a flight to Reno and take a trip to one of the brothels out that way, then hey, treat yourself my friend and have yourself a hell of a time.

The only reason I say that you probably shouldn’t is that I suspect that in your case, it would only make you feel worse. I get the feeling that you’d see having paid to lose your virginity as another black mark in your ledger, more proof that there’s something wrong and shameful with you. And while that’s not true, adding to your anxiety over this would be counter-productive. So I think the best thing you can do is start to redefine how you see yourself first. Treat being a virgin with the same level of importance as having never had sushi or schwarma or mansaf: you’ve never had it and you’d love to find someone who can introduce you to it.

(Also: holy shirtballs would I love some mansaf right now…)

Think about it: if you’re trying some new cuisine, you’d want somebody who’s interested in making sure you have a great meal, no? Nobody who would want you to experience sushi for the first time would be giving you a six-pack of California rolls from the grocery store; they’ll want to take you to their favorite sushi restaurant and helping you figure out what you want to order. So it is with your first time: you want someone who is as interested in your enjoying and appreciating the experience. Maybe that person is someone you’re dating. Maybe that’ll be a friend who’s interested in helping you out. Maybe you’d get lucky and it’d be a stranger who’s kind and caring and a little turned on by being able to break the seal on a  hot hunk of man.

What you don’t want to do is to treat your being a virgin like something shameful or something you need to apologize for. The way you treat it is going to affect the people you meet who you might potentially lose your virginity to. Treat it like either no big deal or a special treat someone gets, then you’re more likely to find someone who’s going to be turned on by the chance to be your first — and trust me, they are out there. On the other hand, treat it like a deep dark secret and you’re more likely to find people who’ll give you s

t for it and give you a lousy first time. Not because of any woo-woo-read-The-Secret kind of magic but because those will be the people you’ll be more likely to gravitate towards. Thinking that it’s a bonus means that you’re more likely to look for someone you would think is worth sleeping with. Thinking of it as your deep dark shame means you’re more likely to look for someone who’d tolerate it or take pity on you.

Trust me: you want the former. You want to be the former.

Honestly, LB, I think this will be less of an issue than you realize. Choose to see yourself differently and I think things will fall into place for you faster than you expect… and it’ll reward you in ways you’ll appreciate for years to come.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem. My marriage was failing, and I fell in love with our Jiu Jitsu instructor (we’ll call him Ethan). The biggest problem was that I was still married and he was somewhat friendly with my husband (we will call him Rick). But Ethan and I clicked right away. I had an instant attraction to him, but I did my best to squash it.

As time went on, Ethan ended up being there for me during a rough time, emotionally when my husband wasn’t. Eventually, I told Ethan my feelings for him and he reciprocated. We ended up having a sexting relationship that was hot and heavy, but also filled with true emotion. However, he started getting pressure from another friend, who ended up causing a big scene and telling my husband what was going on before I could even process what was going on myself. My husband freaked out, and we’ve spent the last two and a half years trying to make it work. However, he’s ended up having his own infidelities numerous times while I did not.

We’ve decided to separate and then divorce. I recently reached out to Ethan to apologize for how everything went down, and he responded saying he had just been thinking about me that morning. It was a very sweet conversation. He told me that he thinks about me all the time and that we should get a drink soon. He was at work and I was about to take my son for a walk, so I suggested we carry on the conversation later. He agreed. Then I didn’t hear from him again until the next afternoon when I asked him a question about his gym. He apologized, and said he left his phone at work (hmmm).

We talked a bit more about everything that happened. He told me how he felt badly and that it was just recently that he got out of his funk from the situation between us. I respond with a few things and, after an hour or so, noticed that he saw the message and didn’t reply. I asked if I had said something wrong and then he disappeared again for 24 hours. He responded the next evening with “No you’re good, just super busy the past couple of days”. I ask him what he’s been up to not long after he sent that message, and now I haven’t heard from him again. He hasn’t even viewed the message. I haven’t contacted him since.

I spoke with a mutual friend of ours and he told me to be patient, that Ethan leaves him on “read” for days all the time. I asked him if he knew if Ethan was dating and he said he had heard nothing.

Here’s the thing, after doing some social media snooping, I see he’s been hiking with a girl these past days. Now, they don’t mention each other in their posts, she seems to go hiking a lot with other people. And it seems like he’s doing it for exercise based off of what he has said in the posts. It seems like they have been friends for while and work together. He liked a photo of our mutual friend and I today, but hasn’t responded. Is he trying to play it ultra cool, or if he doesn’t have the guts to say he’s dating someone else. I’m not glass, I wish he would just say as much. How long is an appropriate time to wait until I attempt to message him again? Should refriend him on social media? Should I just file this under it wasn’t meant to be?

What should I do? Thank you!!

Left On Read

DEAR LEFT ON READ: There’re few things that’re more frustrating than a relationship that seems to go cold for no reason. It would be one thing if you could point to some inciting action, some event or occurrence that would explain why someone — someone you had just had a fairly hot fling with — has started treating you like an afterthought. When there’s no real explanation, then you’re left to come up with the answer all on your own… which is a great way to take all of your brain weasels, feed them a coffee/meth slurry and just let them go to town on every anxiety and insecurity you have. Suddenly you’re left questioning everything and wondering what glaring flaw you have that you were unaware of that would make someone seemingly be night and day different in how they feel about you.

The truth is often a lot more prosaic… and not always helpful when it comes to getting any sort of closure. The pattern you describe with your jiu jitsu instructor is, unfortunately, fairly common and one I’ve seen more than a few times. Here you are, an attractive woman in a troubled marriage, having lots of feelings for someone who’s been there for you, who’s supported you during a rough time and generally been everything your husband isn’t. It’s understandable that you’re going to have fairly intense feelings.

The problem is that those feelings weren’t returned… not in the way that you thought they would be, and likely not to the level that he thought. That attraction you had for him was certainly flattering — who doesn’t like being the focus of an attractive woman’s fantasies? — and the relative intimacy of your friendship with him almost certainly didn’t hurt, especially as he was your source of support during those troubled times. It’s certainly not surprising that he was interested in having some naughty, flirty fun with you. He may even have been caught up in the excitement of the moment. But I strongly suspect that for him, the taboo nature of what you were doing, the secrecy and the necessary limitations were the draw; he may have rounded those feelings up to something more than just sexual attraction, but it seems like getting busted threw a bucket of cold water on the whole situation.

Now here you are, free and single and ready to mingle and able to do more than just sext with him… and he doesn’t seem to be interested. He’s saying all the right things, that he thinks about you, he wants to see you, but his actions are a different story. And the policy here at NerdLove Industries is very simple: deeds, not words. And his deeds are saying “not feeling it.”

And that, at the end of the day, is the problem. The rest of it — the woman he’s hiking with, his indeterminate relationship status — are all red herrings. They don’t factor into the equation. It’s his behavior that’s telling you how he feels and what to expect.

Case in point: I’m willing to bet that during the height of your hot and heavy text affair, he was Johnny-on-the-spot as soon as the notification pinged. Now, you’re getting replies on such a long time delay, it seems like you’re trying to text someone on Mars. That in and of itself isn’t the issue. I mean, the fact that he’s leaving you on read isn’t unique to you; he’s not avoiding you while still talking to his other friends. The issue is that he’s treating you like he treats everyone else.

Now if you were to ask me to speculate, I would guess the fact that you’re not forbidden fruit anymore makes things less exciting. I also imagine that getting caught and the time away didn’t help either. But honestly? The reasons don’t really matter as much as his feelings and the way he’s acting. And those, as I said, are telling you that he’s just not interested now.

I don’t think asking him for an explanation is going to be fruitful. There likely isn’t an answer he could give you that would satisfy you and, frankly, he may not be able to explain why himself. It’s difficult to tell someone why your feelings have changed or why you don’t feel a certain way beyond “They just did and I just don’t.” That’s only likely to frustrate you more and send those brain weasels back into overdrive.

I think in this case, the best option for you is to file this under “nice while it lasted, but not meant to be”. You have the memories of a fling that kept you going during a rough time in your life, and that’s where it’ll have to stay. Look at this as a relationship that lasted exactly as long as it could, and then it came to its natural end. It may not be the same sort of closure as “well, I’ve found someone else”… but closure that you give yourself is the most important.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was introduced to you unintentionally by my boyfriend (let’s call him “P”) that loves watching videos on dating, flirting and how to pick up women, (despite being in a relationship with me for almost 3 years), but P also watches many others videos on how to keep himself looking good too (yay!), P is 56yr old. I enjoyed reading your articles so much that I now come and visit you almost every day to see what’s new and yes! He will read this.

Why am I here? Simple! I cannot accept my partner being friends with his ex, whom he claims was just a FWB for over 3 years and things ended nicely about a year or so before we met. I get the scenario of being friends, because I have witnessed it on someone else, when my sister’s ex-husband’s partner became a good friend of my sister (I’m sure because of my niece). But you know that saying “keep your friends close and you enemies closer”? Just saying.

Ok, let’s back up on things here for a minute…. I come from a wide range of abusive and toxic relationships, ranging from physical abuse like being kicked to the point of giving birth and having an emergency C-section, to being raped while my kids slept on the other room. Not to mention being mentally abuse, controlled and cheated on time and time again.

TRUST is hard to give base on my experiences. Yet, I gave it to this man. I had reached a point in my life when we met where I had said to myself being alone is quite ok for me at this age and then I fell in love with him. Go figure!!

For two years everything was great and amazing, then one day we finally crossed paths with his ex, which I had expected due to places we frequent when going out on dates. Mind you, we were actually on a double “date night” with his friend J and J’s new lady, S. We were at a small music venue where there are various seating arrangements. We were on table for four and the stage was to our left. There was an empty high table for two to our right. I was on the left side of our table and P was to the right.

In comes the ex — call her M. I noticed her right away, my heart started racing, but I kept calm. She walked around and came back to the empty table to our right. She wasn’t alone, maybe with a date. That’s when P saw her and said “Oh! Hey there M”

He quickly introduced us; “This is my girlfriend so and so, this is S  and you already know J.” Ok, cool, right! NOT! He then decided to turn himself around (his back to me) and started a catch up conversation with her. 

Hello! We are here with 2 other people; you’re here with me…  Even his friend J noticed how rude P was being that he made a troubling remark — “Oh he’s digging himself into a hole” — that just made my blood started to boil.

I honestly do not recall what I said to P (shocking!), but I turned myself around to him and I whispered something in his ear about what he was doing. He then stopped and turns my way, music was great and he tried to touch me and caress me after that. Then at the end of the show he turned once again to her (his back to me again) and whispered something to her, because she smiled and nodded her head to him. Grrr! And guess what? We didn’t speak for days after that.

We then had the conversation and I expressed my feelings, the whys and how disrespected I felt. He, on the other hand, didn’t think he had done anything wrong. Still, he understood where I was coming from. We patched things on and all good. We encountered her again 2 weeks later, but it was minor and due to the amount of people around us neither of them got closed enough to talk. No big deal.

A few months, something else happened with a lady coworker where I got signals of attraction between him and the coworker, so I broke into a rage. My bad! I admit I know I can have a bad temper (Puerto Rican Bi*#^$! once someone said) when put on a defensive situation.

When we talked to solve this other issue the M topic came up again. He told me he believes he shouldn’t have to stop talking to his ex, because things ended nicely —  to the point where they meet every year in January for a dinner to celebrate birthdays… hers, her daughter’s (adult) and his. I clearly expressed my boundaries once more, and how I found that disrespectful when you’re in a relationship especially after what had happened. Just so you know he invited me to that dinner next year, because my birthday is in January. Honestly, at that point, I opted for letting it go, why fight about something in the future.

OK! Fast Forward to today!!!

He got a phone called later in the day last night, not typical for him due to his work scheduled. He answered and the tone of voice went down and softer, not his normal louder voice. I was in another room the door was ajar, I could hear the voice but not closed enough to hear what he was saying and I told myself “just let it be”. BUT My gut felt tight (not good). Later at night, I broke my own promise and I (for the 1st time) checked his phone (UGH! I know). I saw that this number had called more than once, either dialed or received. I called it the next day.I was praying to hear a male voice,  and M answered me. I didn’t speak, I just hung up. I felt so little, so betrayed!

I asked him later that day who had called him the night before, he right away said M. I expressed my irritation and how we had talked about her. He keeps insisting that is nothing that I shouldn’t worry about her, that he would’ve not asked me to move in with him if he wanted to do something with her or any other women. He insists on how he’s not interested on her, or M in him, and that this is all innocent. M only had called him days before to ask him on how to get to a restaurant they had been before. Moreover, that he had called her a day before that night, because it was her birthday. And lastly, that M’s called to him that night was by mistake, yet they spoke for a good 10 minutes hhmm!

I was raised with strong values like respect and honesty among many others, and I feel this is breaking my boundaries and what my values on a relationship are. Yes! My personal hurts have a lot to do with it, but my parents taught me better.

I believe they are both, P and her breaking my boundaries. She clearly knows he is in a relationship and by now (I am sure) knows that I moved in with him a few months back. He is clearly choosing (fairly knowing my take on this) to continue the relationship with her despite my feelings. Listen, I’m not saying to be rude, if we encounter her. I’m not saying wishing a happy birthday is bad, but when I see the many continues contacts between them two – MY “I’m gonna get hurt” WALL comes up with a vengeance. Is a defense mechanism, right?!

I am a 48 year old at a lost and tired of fight childish crap, but do I want to accept her presence like nothing or do I take a risk on this relationship and stand up for myself and for what I believe is right for me. I give my 100% respect, honesty and more; and I sure want the same.

Hell No! I’m not perfect, then again nobody is. Please, please, please give me your insight!

Thank you for your time Sir.

Respectfully,

Wanting My Respect

DEAR WANTING MY RESPECT: Well, you asked for my perspective on this… but I don’t think you’re gonna like it.

I’m going to preface this with saying that what you’ve experienced over time — the beatings, the sexual assault and the abusive relationships — are horrific. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through all of that and it’s understandable that the trauma you experienced would have a serious and profound effect on you. I don’t want to take away from any of that.

But none of that justifies your behavior with P. Quite frankly, you’re being jealous of P’s friendship with M to a degree that is NOT warranted; not by your history, not by P’s relationship with his ex and certainly not by his behavior. In fact, P has, by your account, been completely on the up and up with you. When you all encountered M, he introduced you immediately as his girlfriend and made it clear that you two were a thing. He’s kept no secrets from you or acted in any way that would cause a reasonable person to be suspicious. Hell, when you asked him who had called him the other night, he told you it was M right off the bat; he didn’t hesitate, he didn’t try to hide it or try to make it seem like it was someone else. He treated it like had nothing to hide. Because, frankly he didn’t. At most, he kept it low key because he likely felt, rightly as it turned out, that you’d go off on him.

The fact that P has a good relationship with his ex is a good thing. It tells you a lot about him as a person: how he handles a more casual relationship, how he conducts himself at the end of a relationship and the respect that he shows for people who were a part of his life. M may have just been a friend with benefits but the key word in that relationship is friend. The fact that they’re no longer sleeping together doesn’t mean that she’s dead to him or that he doesn’t care for her as a person. The sexual side of their relationship may have come to an end, but the friendship and the affection they have for one another didn’t. Those are all solid indicators of his character; not that he still has a thing for his ex but that he’s a stand up guy who treats his partners well, cares for his friends and is probably someone whose friends know he’s got their backs.

Those are all things I would tell women to look for in a guy they want to date. A guy who cuts ties with everyone he’s ever dated and has nothing good to say about any of them is likely someone who either has supremely poor judgement or is likely the nightmare ex in the equation.

Now it was a little rude of him to have an involved conversation with M while he was on a double date with you and your friends… but honestly, that’s pretty minor in the scheme of things.

You, on the other hand, have been treating him incredibly poorly. You’ve started fights with him about his being friends with M, over what you perceived as flirting between him and a coworker and snooped through his stuff to confirm something that he would’ve freely told you if you’d asked. And quite frankly, none of that is acceptable. All you’re doing is letting your jealousy and fear of being hurt run rampant, for no reason. The fact that it’s a defense mechanism doesn’t excuse it; defense mechanisms aren’t automatically healthy. Especially when those mechanisms are causing you to fly off the handle over perfectly normal and acceptable behavior. Trusting your instincts is a good idea… but only provided that your instincts are trustworthy. And while, again, I understand the trauma that you went through was horrific… your instincts seem to be based far more out of your fears and anxieties than actual, demonstrable behavior.

To be perfectly blunt: his friendship with M isn’t a threat to his relationship with you. The only threat I’m seeing to your relationship is, frankly, you. If you keep picking fights and letting your jealousy get the better of you, all you’re going to do is ensure that he will leave you for someone who won’t demand that he end friendships and accuse him of betrayal for no reason.

Yes, you have a right to your boundaries… but so does he. If you want to make his not being friends with someone a line in the sand for your relationship, it is your right to do so. But if you do, then you need to be prepared for him to tell you that this is unreasonable and he’s not willing to let you dictate who he can or can’t be friends with, especially when that person isn’t an actual threat to the relationship. That’s a line that he has a right to draw.

I honestly think that, more than anything else, you need to talk to a counselor or a therapist. You’re afraid of being hurt again, which is understandable, but it’s causing you to lash out in ways that simply aren’t acceptable. A therapist can help you process your trauma and work through those anxieties and help you adjust your Spidey-sense so that you’re not on high-alert all the time. Getting professional, trained help — rather than a loudmouth with an advice column — will do you far more good than trying to police who your boyfriend does or doesn’t talk to. And it’ll do far more for keeping your relationship intact as well.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t really have a question, I just wanted to thank you for the work that you do. I think your advice is very helpful, especially regarding abusive relationships.

I was in an abusive relationship this last year, and I’m still trying to deal with my emotional issues that resulted from it. I have a hard time not blaming myself for being involved with this guy. He has a lot of emotional issues, and I excused away a lot of his behavior. Logically, I realize it isn’t my fault, but the urge to blame myself for falling for his manipulative BS is still really strong. I have a hard time trusting people (especially men) because of the relationship, and I’m hoping I’ll be able to move beyond that someday; it will just take time. Reading your replies to people dealing with abusive and toxic relationships has been really helpful for me, so I just wanted to say thank you.

I’m sorry I’m not able to contribute to your Patreon right now. I’m a student, so times are tough. I hope you know how much people appreciate your work. Thank you.

-I Will Survive

DEAR I WILL SURVIVE: Hey, IWS? I am so proud of you for having gotten out of that relationship. It takes a lot of courage, strength and willpower to pull yourself out of a trap like that, and you should be celebrating the fact that you managed it. More than anything else, you should forgive yourself for trusting someone who abused that trust and for caring for someone who didn’t deserve your time and affection. It was not your fault.

You’re 100% right: you will move beyond this. You will heal. Hopefully in time, you’ll be able to trust again and find people who’re worthy of that trust. It may take time, but you have time. Focus on yourself; love will be waiting for you when you’re ready.

Don’t even worry about anything like my Patreon; I’m just glad to hear that you’re doing well and that I was able to help in some small way. Invest in yourself and your healing; that’s where your focus should be.

You’ve got this, IWS.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com