DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was in a long distance relationship with a girl who I sort-of grew up with (I live abroad, but visit during school breaks). Eventually, after about half a year of being in a relationship, she broke it off.  This hurt me a lot; she was my first ever crush, love, etc. Now, almost two years later, I am still not over her. Despite not talking to her for over a year, I think about her daily.

I finish (high) school soon, and will be moving back to my home country by the end of the year. Our families are VERY close, so here is my dilemma: I cannot avoid seeing her unless I avoid my family. I don’t mean that with any anger towards anyone, that’s just how the situation is. So, the way I see it, I need to find some way of getting over her that isn’t just to cut her out. However, I have tried a lot of things and nothing has changed. I’ve gone through trying to hate her, ignore her, be friends, etc, but my romantic love for her doesn’t dwindle.

I have no clue what I can do to remedy my situation. I am exhausted by the pain this causes me, and fear how much worse it will be when I live closer. I feel the best way to describe my thoughts is as if we are still in a relationship, and I never got the memo that it’s over (albeit with more obsessive behavior than a relationship should have).

Stuck In Limbo

DEAR STUCK IN LIMBO: It sounds to me like you’ve done everything except actually move on, SIL. Almost everything you’ve done has been focused on her, specifically, rather than on yourself. You’ve made her the center of everything you do, whether it’s trying to force yourself to hate her or ignore her or try to form a friendship. But what you haven’t done is focus on you. 

The difference here is significant. The more you put your energy on doing something about her, the more of your bandwidth devote to her. It doesn’t matter whether you’re thinking about how much you “hate” her or how much you’re consciously NOT thinking about her… you’re still letting her occupy your mind 24/7. Small wonder that you couldn’t get over her; she’s been dominating so much of your time that I’d be amazed that you had time to think about other things.

One of the reasons why I advocate what I call The Nuclear Option – blocking them on social media, deleting their texts, putting away all of the letters, emails and photos and otherwise cutting them out of your life – is because you need time to not think about them. You need time to get distance and perspective and let yourself heal… none of which can happen when you have all of these reminders surrounding you and the temptation to keep checking on her. You need to let yourself have time without her – time to rediscover who you are when you’re not The Guy Who Got His Heart Broken, time to remind yourself that there are millions of amazing women out there who aren’t her and that you have a life and a future that doesn’t revolve around her or the relationship you used to have.

It’s also one of the reasons why people say “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else”. It’s a crude saying, but reminding yourself that there are other people out there that you find attractive and find you attractive is a great way of realizing that your ex isn’t the ONLY woman in the world. It lets you realize that she wasn’t your last chance for love, that you will find other people who you will care for just as much as you cared for her… and it distracts you from thinking about her 24/7.

Unfortunately, it’s a little harder to do this when you know you’re going to be up in each other’s space. So right now the best thing you can do? Talk to your folks. Let them know that you’re still stinging after the break-up and, if at all possible, you could use a little breather from her. That doesn’t mean that you’re going to be able to avoid her completely… but getting some advance warning that she may be around can give you the chance to make alternate plans or otherwise get some time and relative dimensions in space away. Getting that time where she’s not omnipresent is going to be important… even if she’s literally the girl next door.

You need to focus on you for a bit, instead of her. The more you can reclaim your life and realize that you will be ok and move on, the easier it’ll be. And then maybe you’ll be able to come back around and have a new and different relationship with her. One that isn’t predicated on the one you used to have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a big fan of your website. I found it after doing some googling to help make a decision and help my mental state of being with my relationship of over two and a half years. I’m a young, 24 year old guy who is struggling with the decision to break up with my girlfriend or not. I’ve made a pro con list, I’ve talked to friends and family, and I still can’t come up with a conclusion. A little back story on me, my relationship, and her:

We’ve been dating for two and a half years and met through some friends in college during the fall of our senior year. When I first met her, she was just getting over a devastating relationship with a boyfriend who had cheated on her, abused her (mentally physically and emotionally) and was an all around bad dude. The first few months are rocky and she pushed me away due to her natural fears of getting in a relationship, and used the space to hookup with other guys, have fun, and find herself. I did the same, but only after being extremely hurt by this decision from her. Fast forward to early spring, she comes around and realizes that I am a good guy. Apologizes for it all and blames her fears and past. I accept this and we decide to try out the relationship, regardless of our post-grad plans (she moved to Boston to go to law school, I stayed in CT).

After a few months, she expected me to move to Boston because she wanted to be there for school. I did not want to move there, but I looked for jobs regardless and she was not happy when I couldn’t find any. She asked me to commute to Boston while working my job in CT (a 1.5-2 hour commute each way) and finally asked me to just move there without a job, which I refused. This was the start of where things got rocky.

Ever since then, about a year ago, she has been picking fights with me about things she is insecure about, most likely stemming from her previous relationships. She has a lot of trouble moving on from past problems. She brings old things up a lot. I have comforted her and limited what I tolerate, as I don’t believe it’s healthy to allow insecurities to get worse. This is my first relationship, and I am a fairly confident man with a lot going for him and come from an old-school family of values and traditions. I’ve never brought a girl home before her, because I am pretty picky and do not commit to relationships unless I am serious.

That being said, I’m tired of everything going on. She has asked me to choose her over my morals and beliefs, saying she should be worth the sacrifice. My friends and brothers have gotten upset at hearing the things she says to me and for being with her because she picks fights all the time. Not to mention, she takes up a lot of my time. I have visited her every weekend I can and put tons of miles on my car, missed family events and things I want to go to so I can be with her. She tells me every day she loves me and appreciates me and the things I do for her. She constantly reassures me we’re a team. She writes me notes, calls me several times a day, texts all day and night. She would never cheat on me or abuse me. She treats my family so well, constantly bakes for them and checks up on them. But I’m exhausted from the constant fights over and over about BS. I don’t hang with other women at all, I don’t go out to bars, I don’t look at other women online, etc. I find myself skipping out on things I would normally do with friends or family so I can be with her on the weekend.

My conscience is clear. We have said about a dozen times that we’re going to change and communicate better, not yell, etc. And we end up continuing to argue about the same old things she is upset about. I’ve made some changes but they aren’t helping. Sometimes, she can even talk to me like shes my mom and try to tell me what to do. I don’t know if its her natural instinct as the men in her life are a little empty-headed (to put it politely). I care about her, but I am so hurt and exhausted to the point that I am falling out of love with someone I have devoted so much to. Do I go on? Or throw in the towel? The decision is ultimately my own, but I do not want to let this drag out any longer and would like to act urgently.

Eyeing The Door

DEAR EYEING THE DOOR: I get a lot of letters from folks who don’t actually have questions. What they’re actually doing is asking me for permission for what they already want to do. They just can’t, for many reasons, bring themselves to pull the trigger themselves, so they need someone else to tell them that it’s ok to do the thing.

And I’m getting the impression that this is what you’re looking for, ETD. You can list the pros all you want, but there’s no amount of texting, love notes and baking that one can do that’s going to make up for constant fights and unreasonable demands. Demanding that you move, getting upset when you can’t find a job and then demanding you make a long and expensive commute instead are all examples of someone being unreasonable. These are times when you compromise – two hours isn’t far for a long-distance relationship, for example – instead of sticking to your guns and insisting that someone uproot their life and throwing things into chaos. Similarly, demanding that you give up family events for her – you WILL visit every weekend, no exceptions – and not allowing for you to have your own life is equally unreasonable.

While it’s a shame that she’s been hurt before and has her insecurities… that’s a her problem, not a you problem. It’d be one thing if it was just one thing that you do that occasionally triggers something… well, then you can learn to avoid doing that one thing. But when it’s a neverending series of insecurities that she needs you to manage for her? That’s when you’re well past the point of “I have some scars from previous relationships and I could occasionally use some reassurance” and well into “You will conform your entire life around not upsetting me.”

It’s time for you to face the truth ETD: this relationship is already over. You’re having the same fights, making the same resolutions and nothing is changing. That’s one of the surest signs that things have ended, and all that’s left is the animated husk of a relationship. You know this. You’ve already come to this conclusion. The only question now is whether you’re going to end it now or wait until this relationship has ground away whatever joy and affection you have for her and left you with nothing but bitterness and resentment.

And honestly? You don’t need that pro/con list, you don’t need to list her sins or the disagreements you’ve had or why. All you need to end a relationship is the desire to end it. If you’ve decided that you need to leave, then you have all the reason you need to leave. And I think you already have.

Do what you need to do, ETD. End things, quickly and cleanly and firmly. You’ll be far happier once you have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A little background, I’m a nice/easy going person and tend to be on friendly terms with most of my exes. I’m in a happy, committed relationship and my boyfriend and I tend to be on the same page with understanding that you can be friends with people you dated in the past.

However I have an ex that is really pushing the boundaries. We broke up about four years ago. I initiated because she was toxic/overbearing and I wasn’t feeling the relationship anymore.

She’s always been kind of chatty/intense, but it’s been the biggest obstacle toward me being completely being cool with being her friend again. She always sends a million texts/dms and seems like she finds any reason possible to chat with me. I’m usually polite and respond, but it’s turning into a thing where I feel like she’s haunting my inbox which would make me feel weird even if we hadn’t dated. It’s gotten to the point where I started using the ‘close friends’ function on Instagram just so she won’t see my stories/reply to them anymore. However this hasn’t worked because she’s just started dming me about random topics now.

She moved out to the suburbs/came out as a woman a year or two ago, so part of me feels like she’s just lonely and wants friends. However part of me also feels like she’s veering into crush territory with the way she’s constantly trying to communicate. I don’t want to make assumptions, but at the same time regardless of her intentions she’s making me uncomfortable. The way she behaves has already sucked the air out of a lot of my college friendships. For example if a college friend invites me to a party on Facebook I never say if I’m attending anymore because I know if I do she’ll immediately text me and ask if I’m going/show up if I say I am.

Besides that she’s kind of annoying. I don’t really enjoy talking to her all that much if we’re being honest. She’s always been this way, but she’s kind of a braggy narcissist and likes to editorialize everything that is happening around her. Which leads me to my next part.

Last time I asked her to cool it on the texting (about two years ago) she told all of our mutual friends that I had ‘stopped talking to her’ and was really dramatic about it and spread a story about us getting into a big fight, instead of it being I just need her to not be constantly contacting me.

What is a nice way to tell her she needs to cool it on the communication? She’s not a bad person or anything, I just feel like I would want a chill friendship with her where we catch up every once in a while, not feeling like I can never escape her because I’m not straight up rude to her.

Another layer is that we went to the same college and she’s really well liked/connected to everyone at my college. I felt this when I broke up with her and I feel this now, but I feel like if I’m rude or cut off communication completely she’s going to black ball me or spread rumors about me to our industry (which we both still work in).

Let me know what you think

A Little Less Conversation

DEAR A LITTLE LESS CONVERSATION: This is clearly a situation that’s been bothering you, ALLC; you’ve put a lot of time explaining and justifying why you don’t want to talk with your ex any more. And in fairness, it’s entirely understandable. It sounds like your ex is the exact mix of clueless and self-absorbed that can drive people up the goddamn wall.

However, the thing is: you don’t need to justify why you don’t want to talk to her. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to not want to talk to her just because you don’t like her. It’s not like there’s a Council of Friendship that’s going to veto your decision if your reason isn’t good enough; you can’t be forced into letting her into your life because your only reason for wanting her out of it is “she’s annoying as hell”.

This is, for example, why it doesn’t matter that she may be lonely and looking for friends. Yes, it’s understandable that post-move and post-transition, she’s in a place where she feels a little lost and lonely and is reaching out to people. That doesn’t change the fact that she’s annoying the piss out of you, she’s ignoring your boundaries and she’s causing drama in order to get her way. She may not be intending to be so annoying but intent ain’t magic. These are issues you had with her when you’re dating and it’s pretty clear that nothing’s changed even after you’ve broken up. You don’t need to justify or explain your reasoning or excuse her behavior; you can just decide that you don’t want her contacting you that often.

Which, ultimately is what you should say to her: she’s exhausting you with how much attention she’s demanding from you and you want her to dial it back. She’s at a 10 and you need her at a two. She doesn’t give you room to breathe and it’s getting to the point where you’re going to have to actively avoid her or block her. If she doesn’t want that, then she needs to cut back on things and let you make the next move. You two can catch up every once in a while at your pace.

And if she doesn’t listen? That’s when you start muting her on Facebook and Messenger and WhatsApp or, if necessary, blocking her. The nice thing about muting someone is that most of the time, they never know that they’re shouting into the void; it just seems like you’re choosing to not say anything. But if she won’t take “no reply” for an answer, then it’s time to drop the hammer and start limiting where and how she can contact you with the block function. If you feel the need, you can leave her ONE venue where she can get in contact with you — possibly one you rarely use, so you aren’t stuck with a thousand notifications — but cutting off her access is an effective way of enforcing your boundaries.

As for her propensity for manufacturing drama and trying to cast you as the villain in the piece? Well, you can do a certain amount of prep work and let people know you’re having to cut things off with her because she just. Won’t. Leave. You. Alone. You can drop how exhausting it’s getting dealing with her, about how she won’t take “no” for an answer and how this has been a pattern since when you two were dating.

But there’s only so much you can do; people are going to believe what they’re going to believe and there’s a certain societal expectation to err on the side of “being nice”. If folks hear her story and think you’re the offending party here… well, that’s going to have to be part of the cost of enforcing your boundaries. It sucks… but maintaining those boundaries means doing so even when other people disapprove. You can let them know why, but their agreement or disagreement with your reasons are ultimately irrelevant; your boundaries are not a democracy and you should tell them that, if necessary.

Hopefully, they’ll realize what’s going on and recognize that all that drama doesn’t make her a queen.

But for now: lay it out for her, in no uncertain terms. If she doesn’t respect that? Then that’s on her. You told her how it was gonna be and now it’s time to cut her off.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com