DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I could really use some insight into whether I’m justified in feeling a bit worried about my partner’s ex escalating contact with him, especially since they’ve been broken up longer than they were together at this point (about four years). And I don’t mean that I’m worried he’s cheating on me or that she presents any threat at all to our relationship. I know how he feels about her, feel secure in our connection, and he tells me when it happens. I’m more concerned she may end up escalating her behavior to a point that causes a safety concern or generates trouble among family or friends. I’m hoping you’ll tell me I’m being a bit dramatic. I had a brief experience with someone stalking me in college and have my own ex with manipulative tendencies (together seven years total), and she’s setting off the same alarm bells I felt in those situations.

Some background (from what he’s told me and my own observations): they both went to school in a major Midwestern city, she for a career as a professional that requires a doctorate degree. She was placed in a program in a Western state with a mid-size city, and he moved out here with her. I moved to the same city a year prior with my ex. They broke up after living here a year, she took all their furniture (including the shower curtain) while he was at work without telling him, and he lived with his parents until he found an apartment of his own. So, not the most amicable breakup.

Around two years ago, she started popping up on his social media, requesting to follow his private profile and liking a bunch of photos on a public one for his side business he started that year. I’m a photographer, so most of his posts were taken by me and he tagged me in all of them. She left a comment on one of them that was a simple congratulations on doing his thing, and he didn’t respond or acknowledge it.

Some months after that, she emailed his personal email, saying she was starting her own part-time weekend practice and might have some work for him (he also works in a creative field). When he didn’t respond right away, she tracked down his work email and contacted him there. He asked what kind of work she might have, and she responded that they actually already had all their creative work taken care of, but mentioned she was doing well and asked how he was. His response was basically that he was fine, but that he wasn’t interested in talking unless there was actual work. I’m not sure what his exact words were.

I proposed to him in mid-summer last year, and he posted about it a couple months later. After that, she watched several of my Instagram stories over a few months (we’re in early 2019 at this point), although she wasn’t following me and we had never communicated before. I was having an issues related to my aforementioned ex related to social media, so it felt like the right choice to go completely private. Within an hour or two of me setting my profile to private, she requested to follow me. I have no idea if she knew that I knew who she was or not, but I blocked her mostly to do her a favor. There’s not much on my feeds that would help her figure out who I am or how good our relationship is (I mostly post professional photos). But it was also for my peace of mind: I’m not incredibly interested in knowing that she or anyone else related to her or my ex or anyone that I don’t ever talk to is going through my photos and judging me in some way.

She was quiet for a few months until a couple weekends ago.

She reached out to him on Facebook, under a second profile with a partial version of her actual last name, and said something like, “it really sucks having dreams about you from time to time”. I might mention here that she’s had a baby girl since they broke up and apparently got married, although I don’t know how that relationship is going and don’t care to know. He immediately blocked her, and ask some of his family members who still chatted with her occasionally to avoid responding to her or at least not mentioning anything to do with him. I’d also note here that I’m friends with my brother’s ex-wife, and didn’t feel threatened by her having maintained contact with some of his family. It’s a hard connection to sever when you feel like you’re part of someone’s family. My partner has made it clear to me that he’s grown a lot since they broke up, it was a toxic relationship and he has no interest in incorporating her into his own life.

After that last reach from her about having dreams about him, I asked my partner if he felt worried or if he expected her to keep trying to contact him. He said he didn’t know but that he hoped not.

A couple days ago, she texted him directly and said she was hurt that he and his family blocked her, that she wasn’t trying to be disrespectful to him or his fiancé, that she was so happy he is happy, that his mom reached out about her baby a few times and she found it very nice, and “sorry if I somehow offended you or your significant other”. He asked what I thought, and I said it couldn’t hurt to outright ask her to not contact him again. So he responded that the reason she was blocked was because of the Facebook message and other attempts to reach out, he wasn’t interested in participating in his dynamic, that he had moved on and he hoped she had to, and please respect his wish for no more contact.

As far as I know, he hasn’t heard anything since then, but mentioned he got a couple of “Unknown” calls the next morning. He’s also told me he found out she had text/online relationships with other guys while he was with her, so her trying to get his attention is probably not super surprising. But the last message strikes me as being clear that she feels entitled to a response from him, at the very least. And it makes me feel squeamish and concerned, much more so than the past points of contact. Maybe it’s because it feels like she feels entitled to access? Maybe because it felt weird to me that she felt like he needed to know a boundary he set hurt her feelings? Maybe it’s because she hasn’t exactly honored implicit boundaries (i.e, blocking) at all? Maybe it’s because all that could be signs of someone who will keep pushing?

I know others have dealt with more insidious invasions from exes, and I don’t pretend this is some nuclear situation just yet, if at all. But every time I’ve asked him if she would keep trying, she has indeed kept trying. And I’m feeling a bit on guard about it. Is my (mild, at the moment) anxiety understandable? Is she exhibiting any signs she might show up on my doorstep one day soon?

Ex Wrecks

DEAR EX WRECKS: Before we get to your question EW, let’s talk a little about what your fiancé’s ex is doing and why it can be so hard to let go of an ex.

I’m not going to surprise anyone by saying that break-ups are frequently one-sided, unpleasant affairs. While it’s always great if two people could have what’s been euphemistically termed a “conscious uncoupling”, a lot of break-ups aren’t a mutual decision where everyone involved says their peace, divide everything up cleanly and goes on their merry way. Most of the time, one person in the relationship decided that it was over and pulled the trigger on the break-up. This often leaves people with a lot of complicated emotions, with things left unsaid, questions left unanswered and a general sense of unresolved issues.  As a general rule, we don’t deal well with those dangling threads; we want to have things tied up nice and neat so we don’t have all of those lingering questions left plaguing us in the middle of the night. This is part of why so many people talk about wanting “closure” from their exes — they want the narrative of their relationship to wrap things up in a clean and satisfying manner. Unfortunately, life rarely works like movies or television; sometimes we never get any conclusion other than “well, it’s over,” leaving us to have to make our own closure.

But while the desire for answers and closure can be powerful, it’s not the only thing folks feel in the aftermath of a break-up. Sometimes we also get hit with a wave of nostalgia for what we used to have with our exes. Time isn’t just the great healer, it’s also an astounding editor. Many times, it’s easy to forget just how bad things were, especially at the end of the relationship. Hell, sometimes those edits and retcons are so thorough we forget how bad we were and conveniently erase or mitigate our own sins. So it’s very easy to look back on a relationship, only see the good times bathed in the golden light of nostalgia and wish we could get back to that place. A place that, frankly, may never have actually existed except in our own minds.

This is why a surprising number of people who want to get back with their exes are the ones who initiated the break-up in the first place. Sometimes they’ve decided they’ve made a mistake. Other times they’ve taken a look around and decided that things were better when they were with their ex and want to try to reclaim that old glory. Or they may have seen that their ex stubbornly refused to abide by the contract of “once I dump you, you’re supposed to wither away and die” and instead, is looking pretty damn awesome.

And so we end up with folks we thought were well and truly out of our lives trying to sidle their way back in as though they hadn’t tried to burn our self-esteem to the ground.

Which brings me back to your question.

I don’t think you’re wrong to be concerned, EW, but I don’t think you need to worry about your safety just yet. Your fiancé’s ex is following a very familiar pattern; she’s trying to reinitiate contact with him slowly, with socially plausible reasons that have nothing to do with wanting him back. Liking his photos, followed by a “hey, I have a professional and TOTALLY NON-ROMANTIC reason to get in touch with you” are such incredibly common moves that I’m surprised they haven’t been featured in episodes of Sex and the City or the L-Word.

(Mental note: time to do an episode about how to reach out to an ex…)

Notice how there was no actual work to be had when she reached out. This was strictly her attempt to get him talking to her again. The fact that he didn’t bite — and made a public post about being engaged to you — prompted her next attempt at contact: a message that has vaguely sexual (yet still deniable) implications. This was intended to prompt a response, ideally a flirty one that would get him thinking of how good sex with an ex could be.

Make no mistake: that was always going to be the next step. If he had taken the bait earlier with the theoretical job offer, then the flirting would’ve ramped up sooner, but since it didn’t, she made the attempt anyway in hopes of getting a response. Obviously it failed, leading to his cutting her off entirely.

Since sex didn’t work, she decided to take a different tack: she tried to use guilt instead. How could he be so rude and unfeeling to block her like this when she hadn’t done anything wrong? How could he be so cold to someone who he used to care for and who was trying to make things right, etc. And when that didn’t work… well, maybe she was calling, maybe she wasn’t. If she didn’t leave voicemails, it’s impossible to be sure that those unknown numbers were her. Circumstances suggest they likely were, but we can’t say for sure.

Why do I think that you don’t don’t need to fear a dangerous escalation? Well, mostly it’s the in the tone and the way that she’s been behaving. Yes, she’s been ignoring his clearly stated boundaries, but the tone hasn’t been hostile or aggressive. Instead she’s been trying to bait him into responding or letting her back into his life. While it’s certainly distressing — not to mention confirming that he’s right to shut her out of his life — her tone hasn’t been angry or demanding. It’s been pleading and wheedling and more than a little passive-aggressive. I suspect that the less your fiancé responds, the quicker she’ll give up and move on.

This doesn’t mean that you and he shouldn’t implement some best practices, though. Documenting all of the ways she’s tried to get in touch — days, times, methods and accounts — is a very good idea. If you still have access to the texts and emails, then I’d suggest printing them out and keeping the hard copies somewhere secure. Having these on hand will make it much easier to establish a pattern of escalating behavior if things do get worse; that’ll make it easier to get a temporary restraining order or a no-contact order if it comes to that.

I would also suggest locking down your social media and front-facing web-presence. The less intel she can farm about you that she has access to, the less of a chance she has to actually show up unexpectedly. It may not be a bad idea to change your settings on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook so that people can’t tag you in posts or images; it doesn’t do you any good to lock things down if your friends accidentally give out information on you.

But while being cautious is warranted, I don’t think you need to worry that things will escalate to the point of being an actual threat. One of the harsh truths is that men rarely face a meaningful threat from their female exes. While women can and have stalked exes or presented a real and present physical danger, it’s far less likely than the threat women face from male exes.

So while being cautious and maintaining good security practices is a solid idea, I think the threat she presents is more emotional than physical. Keep a wary eye and document everything, but I don’t think you need to live in fear that things are going to go beyond texts and phone calls. Especially if your fiancé continues to follow the Nuclear Option with her.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve written to you in the past with dating questions and you’ve been super helpful, but now I find myself in a new situation unrelated to my romantic life I have no idea how to navigate and I was hoping you could help me too. I’m (34 F) super close with my family, specially my mother’s side. My grandparents were very present in my life when growing up, the helped raise me, spoiled me, did all the things grandparents were supposed to do. When I was a teenager I found out that my grandpa wasn’t the best dad and husband when my mom was growing up (cheated on my grandma, was a bit absent, drank a bit too much), but everybody let it slide because “everybody was like that” back then. I also brushed it off because even if he wasn’t the best father, he was a very loving grandfather and thought that people are capable of changing and growing.

Fast forward to now. My grandmother died a little over a year ago, it was really hard on all of us. It was especially hard on my grandpa obviously, because even if he wasn’t the best husband, he still loved her and she took care of him, he totally depended on her. He has her picture up on his nightstand with candles and flowers, talks about her all the time, and shares photos of her every day on the family group chat.

I’ve been living in another city for more than 10 years and I just went back home with my new boyfriend so he could meet my family. We had a great time, and we spent a lot of time with my grandpa. We has breakfast together, had a family party, did karaoke, then after the weekend he got a small surgery that went well and I kept him company for a while. I flew back home feeling really happy and thankful for my family.

And now I found out by accident that my dear, sweet, 82 year-old grandpa has a new girlfriend. A 28 year-old girlfriend. I don’t know who she is, how they met or even her name, I don’t want to know. I just know my mom found out by accident when she saw them making out in the background of somebody else’s Instagram story (my grandpa loves parties and has a very active social life). I may be overreacting, but I feel sick to my stomach.

I can no longer see him as my sweet loving grandpa. I don’t know if I see him as a disgusting predator, a pathetic lonely man who got swindled by a gold digger, or both. I know they are consenting adults but it just feels so messed up. Obviously my family disapproves and tried to talk sense into him, to no avail. My mom even threatened to cut him off (my parents support my grandpa and bought him a house that’s under my mom’s name) but he won’t listen.

I always knew he has little-to-none emotional intelligence and self-awareness (like many men from his generation) and that he’s probably still grieving and doesn’t want to deal with his emotions. It’s probably too late for him to go to therapy and work some of his s--t out and learn how to feel his feelings. I’m trying to be understanding about how he must be feeling but I just can’t help to lose respect for him and somehow feel betrayed.

I’m dreading coming home for the holidays, I don’t want to see him, I don’t even know if I should address it since he still thinks I don’t know about his child girlfriend. How do I navigate this? I want to be ok with this because I love him and I don’t know how many years he has left, but on the other hand I’m so angry and disgusted.

I know there’s nothing I can say to make him leave her, but what do I do? Do I talk to him, or do I sweep it under the rug and act like everything is ok?

Thank you for listening,�Stepgranchild of a Child

DEAR STEPGRANDCHILD OF A CHILD: Alright SGOAC, before I get into this I want to push back on the way you’re framing things: the person your grandfather is apparently seeing isn’t a child. She’s 28 years old. That’s not much younger than you. She’s hardly some naïf or some babe in the woods, too innocent to understand the ways of men. I understand that the age difference is shocking to you, and it is extreme, but let’s keep their actual ages in mind, here. Infantilizing a grown-ass woman who’s well above the age of consent, the legal drinking age in the US and the age to rent a car doesn’t help anyone.

In the spirit of honesty, I’m going to say that I tend to roll my eyes at a lot of age gap discourse that I see online. While a significant age gap between partners can be distasteful and it’s part and parcel of the (false) societal messaging that women past a certain age are less desirable, a lot of the discourse revolves around the idea that adult women are incapable of understanding the consequences of their actions, as opposed to knowing exactly what they’re doing and having their own reasons for doing so. Either we accept that people over the age of 18 are free to make their own decisions, even if we disagree with them, or else the next conversation would need to be “so where do we set the age of consent?” and “how do we protect these poor women who can’t help but be coerced by others?” But if we’re not going to actually make that an issue, then we have to accept that while we can side-eye the f--k out of people’s choices, they still have the right to make ‘em.

Now that out of the way: I’m not sure there’s a problem here outside of people finding it icky. Yeah, a 50 year difference in ages is a lot, no question there. You have reason to believe this likely not a love connection. But you don’t mention anything other than the age that would make this relationship a problem.

I would assume, for example, that if your grandfather was having issues with dementia or other issues that would affect his judgement and decision making, you would mention it. Similarly, if there were reason to believe she were after his money – or if he had assets for her to go after – you would mention that as well.

So… outside of age and the sudden and shocking discovery that your grandfather is still a sexual being, what is the issue here? I’m not being flip or sarcastic. I’m being absolutely sincere – is there genuine reason to be concerned outside of how this makes you feel?

You mention that it’s been over a year since your grandmother passed away and your grandfather – poor husband though he may have been – loved her dearly. While he may still be in mourning, that doesn’t mean that he’s incapable of feeling anything other than sadness. Being old doesn’t mean that he’s become asexual, or that has no need for companionship and intimacy besides his family, after all. I don’t want to hammer away at what’s obviously squicking you out, but the elderly are still sexual beings. We do them a disservice by pretending that desire and sexuality vanish after a certain age, or that seniors don’t have sex lives and romantic lives… including sex lives that may include people who might be young enough to be their grandchild.

I suspect that a lot of what you and your family are feeling has as much to do with the incredible shock of how you found out about this – seeing gramps sucking face with a woman literally less than his age – and feelings of betrayal of seeing him having an intimate moment with someone who isn’t your grandmother. That’s an entirely understandable reaction. The former must have been like getting a bucket full of ice water to the face, while the latter must have bubbled up moments afterwards. The sheer surprise of it all is the sort of thing that would make most people’s brains vapor lock while they try to process it.

And to be sure:  your feelings of betrayal and disgust are real. They’re absolutely valid. I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t be feeling them nor am I going to tell you that you’re wrong for feeling them. However, I think it’s important to recognize that you are feeling them and that they can affect the way you’re seeing things or the way you’re interpreting his behavior. Taking a moment to ask why you’re seeing this as a sign that’s something wrong, and examining those feelings is important.

You mention that you worry that this is him trying to ignore his grief or that he needs therapy… but just between you, me and everyone reading this: would you be having the same reaction if he were apparently seeing someone in her 40s? Her 50s? Her 70s? Would you feel like he’s ignoring his grief or lacking emotional intelligence if it were someone more age-appropriate? Or is it truly down to the difference between his age and hers? As I said: how much of this is born out of worry for his security and safety, or for this woman’s for that matter, and how much of it is down to this being a visceral reaction to seeing your grandfather in a way you never thought of before? How much is it a feeling of loyalty to your grandmother’s memory and how much – and I mean this with compassion – would you still be feeling if it weren’t down to the ick factor?  

Now that it’s less immediate and everyone had a chance for everyone to cool off, it’s a good time to stop and take stock of the situation and really dig into how you and your family feel, before you decide what to do next. Making decisions when  you’re in the middle of having a strong visceral response means that a lot of times we make decisions based on how we feel in that moment, rather than what would actually be best for everyone involved.

There are a couple things I think you should do. To start with, I think you – or rather, your parents, since they’re the ones supporting him economically – should talk to him about this relationship. Ask him how this started, how they met, how it became physical and what he thinks of this relationship. Is this a fling because he’s lonely and horny, or does he think this is true love? Is there more here besides being physical? Is he giving her money or gifts, especially things he can’t afford on a fixed income? Is he living beyond his means trying to make her happy? Or does he have things more or less under control?

As hard as it may be, it’s going to be important for you and your parents to be as calm, collected and non-judgmental as possible when you (or they) ask these questions. As I’m sure you know, getting angry, making accusations or demands are more likely to make him defensive and to dig in. If you all can come to this from a place of concerned curiosity and an understanding that he’s an adult who can make his own decisions, it will be far more productive for everyone involved.

It will also be much easier to determine whether there actually are problems here – such as if he’s dealing with some form of dementia and disinhibition. But if he’s not… well, like I said: people can disapprove all they want, but those are two grown, consenting adults.

To be clear: I think confronting him with an eye towards trying to force him to dump her is not only the wrong choice, but it’s also going to be counterproductive. At best, he’s going to get better at hiding things. At worst, you’re going to find that this just serves to push him away, and likely closer to her. Especially if your parents decide to cut him off financially. If you want to make sure that everything is on the up and up, or you want to make sure he’s not being taken advantage of, then it’s going to be much more important to try to be understanding and sympathetic. Otherwise, you’re going to lose access to him and any leverage you might have to help him as needed.

(And honestly, “kicking Grandpa out of his home because we don’t approve of his girlfriend” is some cold s--t to do.)

But as for yourself and your own feelings about this? Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is take some time, feel the f--k out of your feels, process them and do your best to come out on the other side. If – and again, I assume you would have said – there’s no reason to be concerned besides just the age gap, then this really becomes a you problem, not a him problem. He’s still your grandfather, still the same person he ever was… just as flawed and human as before. The only real difference is that now you see a different side to him. It’s a side that you might’ve been happier never knowing about, sure, but it’s still him. It may take some time (and possibly a lot of brain bleach) to reconcile this knowledge with your memories of him, but he’s still your grandfather.

And to be sure: this doesn’t mean that you need a relationship with this woman – assuming that she’s going to be around for long – or that you need to give it your blessing. You can accept it without approving. But you still are going to have to accept it because the alternative is giving up your grandfather… and I don’t think you want to do that, nor do you need to.

It’s an unpleasant situation, to be sure, and I’m sorry that you’re going through it. But I think, in the cold light of day, it’s not as bad as you fear. Just distasteful.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A long-time reader of your website here! I must say I like your no-nonsense and humane approach to things, although I haven’t really needed your advice the past years. Since I am now in the position that I do, I thought to ask you for some advice in the hope you could help me out.

My girlfriend and I recently ended our relationship and I am looking to start dating again. Before I settled down into a relationship with her, I dabbled in the Pick-Up/seduction community. I’ve had my successes, but not as big as some people in the community make themselves out to be.

I have a love/hate relationship with Pick-Up. I feel that it has given me some valuable lessons at the time, but I also think that some mindsets and thoughts in the community are highly poisoning or simply misogynistic. I’m afraid that without guidance I’ll fall back into some of these patterns, so I was wondering if you had some advice for someone with a (dabbling) background in Pick-Up. I’m not looking to spend five nights a week negging girls in a nightclub anymore. No more, I say!

Right now I’m a clean slate as I can be, regarding dating. I’d like to learn how to engage with women healthily this time. Do you have any advice? I know I don’t really have a specific question, but some general pointers on how to learn from, yet dodge the poisonous swamp that Pick-Up can sometimes be would be immensely helpful!

PUMaybe?

DEAR PUMAYBE: Y’know, it’s really easy to forget that the pick-up artist scene never really went away after it’s hey-day in the early 00’s and 10s. It surprises some folks to find out that not only is it still around, but it’s mutated in a number of different ways, from “classical” pick-up to the overtly misogynist Red Pill community, and even influenced the growth of groups like MGTOW and other MRA communities.

But hey, for as long as people have wanted to get laid, there’ve been folks who’ve been trying to teach people how to find all the shortcuts in the process.

Occasionally I’ll get a letter from someone that might as well be me ten years ago. Welcome to my life, PUMaybe; I’ve basically gone through most of what you’re going through and then some.

One of the ongoing issues – something that I started this site specifically to address – is that men don’t really have any way of learning HOW to interact with women. Our society has basically saddled us with an unfortunate dating binary: you’re either good with women or you aren’t, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you admit to being bad and are trying to improve, you’re looked down upon as a loser. Half the time, our only “instruction” comes from watching other people get together and trying to backwards engineer it. God knows our parents don’t teach us much about meeting potential partners, and asking other guys for help is frequently a crap-shoot.

And honestly? Dating is literally the only place where this is true. If I wanted to get better at playing basketball and worked with a coach, nobody would blink twice. If I wanted to brush up my conversational Japanese and I bought a DuoLingo subscription or hired a private tutor, it’d be business as usual. But if someone sees you leaving Barnes and Noble with a copy of The Game and people will react with derision; not just because you’ve got a copy of The Game but because you’re clearly a dateless loser looking for a way to manipulate women into bed. If you admit you’ve worked with someone to brush up your Tinder profile, you’re gonna get some serious side-eye from folks because it represents the idea that you just didn’t know how to do this instinctively.

And let’s be clear: yeah, there’s a whole metric f

k-ton of people who got into pick-up because they wanted to manipulate women into having sex with ’em. But there are ALSO people who simply want to get better at dating and have no idea how. Pick-up is the only real outlet for those people because… what else do we have? Movies that teach us all the wrong goddamn lessons? Say what you will about pick-up but at least it’s an ethos.

But I digress.

As I’ve said many times before: I’m of two minds about the pick-up scene. On the one hand, I learned a lot from my days as a pick-up artist, stuff that I find incredibly valuable to this day. On the other hand… well, let’s face it, the pick-up scene is full of some seriously toxic, hateful and occasionally downright dangerous beliefs and information – and this is without getting into areas like The Red Pill aficionados, various ovulation-obsessed online “personalities” or Men’s Rights advocates and the rest of their ilk.

So the obvious question is: how can you separate the gold from the dross, the wheat from the chaff and the valuable information in pick-up from the misogyny and toxic ideas about masculinity?

(In before: “You can’t.”)

First: examine everything that you’ve been taught. How much of it is saying that “all women are X” or “Every woman wants Y?” Much of “traditional” pick-up is predicated on incorrect – or toxic –  ideas about women and female sexuality, especially that women are one giant monolith who want the same thing. Similarly, look at the ways you’re being told about being a man. How much of it is based around the stereotype of the “alpha male” and how much of it is “becoming the best, most authentic version of you”?  Are you trying to present a false or puffed up version of yourself in order to trigger an “instinctual” response in women? The more any technique or belief is based in evolutionary psychology or “all women want X”, the more toxic it’s likely to be.

Next: ask yourself “How much of this is based on coercing, pressuring or “tricking” women into doing what you want? The classic example are techniques for overcoming “anti-slut defense” or “last-minute resistance” or LMR busters – techniques like “the freeze-out” that’re supposed to overcome a response of “no, I don’t want to have sex with you” when you’re back at your place or her place; the whole “Yeah, we’re going to an afterparty, I just need to get my wallet/camera/beer first, why don’t you come in for a minute?” dodge to get someone to come home with you. It’s pitched as “giving her a plausible excuse to come home with you” because women need a way to explain how sex “just happened” rather than look like a slut, right bro?

Yeah, not so much. Here’s what the unspoken follow-up to that false pretense: “…and now you’re stuck at a strange man’s house without any way reliable way of getting home. Better not do something he doesn’t like!”

(As an aside: I, to my shame, used the false pretense trick back when I was deep in the pick-up scene. I had no idea how goddamn sketchy it was and having a female friend explain it to me – and smack me upside the head in the process – was a serious eye-opener. I can’t emphasize enough how much I regret having used that particular technique. Guys: NEVER DO THIS.)

Another example of trying to use social pressure or coercion is the ever-classic “neg”. Negging is all about trying to make someone crave your approval while indulging your desire to “get back” at someone for daring to not like you. Unlike antagonistic flirting and bantering – which is about both parties having fun – negging is all about proving you’re “better” than the other person and trying to lower their self-esteem.

Finally: ask yourself what you’re trying to do. A lot of pick-up is based around overriding women’s interest with your own; your desire to approach her overriding her desire to be left alone, etc. Pick-up works best when it’s less about getting “any” woman and more about identifying the right woman – the woman who’s interested in meeting someone, who may be looking to get laid that night etc. You want to work more towards a collaborative model of sex – rather than an antagonistic one based around the idea that sex is something that needs to be wheedled into, bargained for or bribed.

I’d also suggest reading Clarisse Thorn’s “Confessions of a Pick-Up Artist Chaser: Long Conversations With Horrible Men” – it’s an excellent break-down of the problems with pick-up and it’s positive side, from a feminist perspective.

So with all of that in mind, here’re the things I’d suggest you focus on:

Work on where you’re meeting women. If bars and clubs are your thing then more power to you, but if not, you may find more satisfaction meeting women in other venues. If you’re doing cold-approaches – and being able to do cold approach is a valuable skill in general – then make sure you’re approaching women who’re interested, rather than pestering women who’d rather be left alone.

Focus less on canned routines or pick-up “tricks” like negging and more on generating chemistry – these will serve you much better and will actually be much more congruent with who you are.

Emphasize enthusiastic consent. Part of what makes a woman more likely to go home with somebody is if she thinks the sex is likely to be worth the potential risks. Generating chemistry is part of how you emphasize that the sex will be great but lowering the risk is the other half of the equation. Looking for signs of enthusiastic engagement and interest (rather than “going along with it” or “feeling like she’s obligated”) and responding in a positive and respectful manner to her boundaries help emphasize that you’re someone who will respect her overall. This doesn’t mean “be a respectful guy and get a sex cookie as a reward”, mind you; this means legitimately being a proponent of enthusiastic consent with everyone, regardless of whether it means you get sex or not. Creating a safer, more respectful world helps everybody feel freer to indulge their desires.

And hey, if you’re ever wondering how you can be an ethical, successful Pick-Up Artist, you can do worse than to look at Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who as role model.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com