DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This past week has been extremely confusing for me because one of my exes has been thoroughly confounding me.

Backstory: I “fell” for this girl in grade 5, upon seeing her for the first time I thought she was the most beautiful woman on earth (I was young) and I was determined to date her. After lots of chasing her and putting up with denials (long story), her and I became a couple on our last year of high school/first year of college. She wanted to be a doctor though, and because we were spending so much time together her grades started really slipping in school to the point where she got kicked out because she was spending so much time with me and not enough time on her school work. So I broke up with her because at the time I thought it was best for her (and because I was very immature at the time and needed to grow up, which I did when my mom died later that year).

We both moved on, but kept in touch, and I feel like we still harbor soft spots for each other. Our break up wasn’t vicious or anything, as I said, just a case of something that needed to happen for both of us. Anyways, she grew up, started dating a guy after me who she was with for five or six years and they moved away. However, two or three weeks ago they broke up and I did my best to cheer her up for her birthday. But this week, she’s started to really come on to me, suggesting I come see her and heavily implying she wants me sexually. She is very forceful about it (insisting I come see her, even though I cannot at the moment due to university) and I am most definitely interested in her (I will always have a soft spot for her). This leads me to my problem, I fear she just wants sex and to have her urges fulfilled, and I don’t want to be taken advantage of. In my conversations with her, I’m being the same sweet, caring guy to her, but she seems to only want to talk when she ‘s in the mood for other things.

If she wants me, I’m fine with that, but I don’t want whatever is going to happen become something I’m emotionally invested into and she isn’t. I cannot tell if she’s coming back because of our past or if it’s because she wants a future but she hasn’t healed fully from her break up to go about it in the right way. I really don’t know if I should just give her space but leave myself open to her approaches, or if I should push for things she may not be ready for due to the healing process. I am most definitely interested in her though, and it’s not because of nostalgia, but I think she might be feeling the nostalgia.

Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated,

Thoroughly Confused.

DEAR THOROUGHLY CONFUSED: I hate getting letters like these because I’m fairly certain you already know what I’m going to say… you’re just hoping that you’re wrong.

First of all: congratulations on being able to stay friends and stay in contact even after the break-up. That says a lot for your relationship with your ex and for your character. It’s a hard thing to do, even under the best of circumstances.

But I’m going to be honest: I don’t think you have a soft spot for her, I think you haven’t actually let yourself heal and recover. Five or six years is a damned long time to keep holding a torch for an ex, even one that you had an incredibly intense relationship with over a short period of time.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel for you, I really do. I’ve had my own share of exes that I couldn’t let go of for years, to the point of actually damaging our friendship afterwards. I’m willing to go out on a limb and assume that you’ve picked at that particular wound – like constantly poking your tongue at a sore tooth or a bad bruise. Speaking for myself, I wasted a lot of time and caused a lot of heartache by holding out hope that my ex and I might get back together when the stars aligned and the fates smiled down on us and quite frankly, holding on to that really held me back in a lot of ways.

And I’m worried that it’s going to do the same thing to you.

So here’s the harsh advice: don’t go and sleep with her.

She’s already said in every way but with words that she’s not really interested in getting back together; she’s not responding to your sending out boyfriend vibes because that’s not what she wants. She’s attracted to you – especially since she’s made it clear she wants to jump your bones – and she’s probably very fond of you, but not in the way that you want.

Exes can make for very appealing hook-ups: they’re an appealing mix of novelty – you haven’t been together in a while and things will have changed – and the familiar. There’s a certain level of challenge in the seduction but not an insurmountable one; after all, you presumably already know what rev’s their particular engine. And yeah, there’s going to be some nostalgia there. If the two of you had a passionate relationship that ended on fairly good terms, of course she’s going to look back on it with fondness and affection.

Now believe me, I understand just how tempting all of this is for you – it’s like you’re being offered a second chance at something you’ve always wanted. But the cold and hard truth is that what you want and what she wants are two entirely different things. It would be one thing if you were the sort of person who could compartmentalize how you feel for her and separate it from the joys of just getting down and dirty with someone who you know. It’s quite another to be going in with hopes that a weekend fling might mean something more.

Here’s what I predict would happen if you go out to see her: you’re going to have a great time at first. It’s going to feel like old times only better because you’ve grown and changed and now you have more to offer and you’re in a better place than you were before. But at least some part of you is going to be asking yourself: “What does this mean?” You’re going to be reading the tea leaves into everything, trying to see whether this is just a fling for her or if it’s a sign that she’s ready to get back together.

At some point you – and I’m willing to put down money that it will be you – will try to initiate the “defining the relationship” conversation.

And that’s where it’s going to fall apart. Either she will admit that she likes you but isn’t ready – or looking for – getting back together or she will try to put it off and ask for time to think about it and get her head straight. Which will be her way of trying to postpone the inevitable. And then all those old wounds and scars are going to re-open and you’re going to have set yourself up for getting hurt all over again – and it may even make it harder to stay friends afterwards.

Now maybe I’m wrong. You know your ex better than I do. But I don’t think you would’ve written to me if you didn’t already have some nagging doubts and suspicions.

I’m not saying break off contact. I am saying that I think going to see her will be an invitation to getting hurt again and you should think very carefully about it before you actually do anything.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (20, F) am a junior in college who is very busy all the time with school and activities. I am a nursing major, so I am constantly spending time in the library studying for hours on end. I’m a very social person and enjoy being with others, but one thing I’m lacking – I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m a virgin.

I know that it is something I should not be ashamed of, but in our culture, it brings my confidence down a lot. It’s not that I am not interested in a relationship, but I have just never had an opportunity for one, so I feel like I am behind and don’t know how to talk to guys.

Not many people know that I am a virgin, as I just try to avoid the topic and have even sometimes just went along with the fact that I’ve had sex, even though I haven’t.

How can I become more confident with myself and how would I go about talking to a guy about my lack of experience?

I could really use your advice, as I’ve been struggling with this for a few years. THANK YOU!!!

First Timer

DEAR FIRST TIMER: One of the problems with how our society deals with sex and sexuality is that we end up creating problems where there really shouldn’t be any. Virginity is a classic example of this, because it serves as a perverse double-edged sword. Men have a difficult time with being virgins and having little sexual experience because it’s seen as a mark of being a failure as a man. We treat men’s sexual experiences both as a rite of passage and a mark of their value. We also assume that all men are horny satyrs who’re ready for sex at any time. As a result, we not only teach guys that not having sex is shameful, but we also ignore the times when guys have been abused or raped. When, say, a twelve year old is raped by his teacher or babysitter, we’re more prone to talk about how lucky he was or how much of a stud he was to bang an older woman.

Women, on the other hand, are taught that their value is in the sex they don’t have. That women are supposed to be sexy but not sexual, that by not having sex they’re staying “pure”. We can all think of times women have been shamed for having too many sex partners, when too many translates to “any”. Shitty dudes will talk about women “riding the cock carousel” in the same breath where they will brag about the dozens to hundreds of women they’ve supposedly plowed. But at the same time, women who are virgins beyond a certain age – again, when that age tends to translate to “teens” – are seen as damaged, broken or desperate. People joke about how virgins are great because they don’t know any better so they’ll assume you’re the best at sex ever, or how it’s risky to sleep with a virgin because she’ll get clingy and imprint on you like a baby gosling. They’ll assume she must have something wrong with her, physically or emotionally or that she must be a religious zealot, regardless of the actual facts on the ground.

And unfortunately, a lot of that shame gets in our heads and folks who have little or no sexual experience, for any number of perfectly understandable reasons, internalize that shame. You’re in that headspace yourself; intellectually, you know there’s nothing to be ashamed of, but you still feel awkward about it. And so you stay quiet about it. And perversely, that silence ends up perpetuating the stigma, because now nobody has that counter-example in their lives.

And here’s the thing: you’re hardly the only person who’s virgin in their 20s, whether man, woman or non-binary. While you’re a little to the side of the center of that bell curve, around 13% of women 20-24 are still virgins; not common, but certainly not rare or unheard of. All this means is that you’re in good company; there’re more folks like you than you realize.

So the first thing I would suggest is to not treat being a virgin like something to be ashamed of. It’s just a data point about who you are, not the summation of everything about you. It’s no more a defining characteristic than whether you’ve ever eaten roasted crickets before. The less you treat it like something unusual or shameful, the less other people will. The folks who do give you shit are just proving themselves to be assholes and assholes are gonna ass, no matter what. You’ve got better things to do than worry about the opinions of assh

es.

The second thing is that if and when you do talk about it, don’t justify it as though you’ve done something wrong. People will respond to how you treat being a virgin. If you don’t treat it as something weird or unusual or a big deal, other people won’t either. You’re incredibly busy – I mean, you’re a nursing student, c’mon – and you just haven’t had time to date or pursue a relationship. That’s all. Folks understand what it’s like to be so busy to not have time for anything else. If anyone asks, all you have to say is “I’ve been too busy with work and school, so it hasn’t been a priority.”

How they react will tell you a lot about what you need to know about them. Some folks will fetishize your being a virgin. Some will think that your first time will be momentous or “a gift” or some other thing. Others will accept it as just one more fact about you.

And if and when you do decide you’re ready to sleep with someone for the first time, just make sure it’s someone who’s going to be considerate of you and your pleasure. Not in some “ok this is gonna be uncomfortable” way (which is more myth than truth) but in the sense of being a good lover in general.

After all, if you’re gonna sleep with someone, they should be worth it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I saw you like to get follow-ups from previous columns so I wanted touch base and thank you so much for your help with my question last year (“How Do I Stop Sabotaging My Relationships”) about being clingy and sabotaging my relationships.

I followed the advice you mentioned and improved my communication style and figured out what was getting to me and how to focus on overcoming my fears. It turns out really talking with him about it helped so much. He’s not the most confrontational person when it comes to emotions (i.e. total goofball) but he heard me out, we talked about it and soon, the elephant in the room had dissipated – all while we got a better understanding of each other. So much so that we’re moving in together this summer (and yes, it’s miraculously somehow still in the same building! Serendipity, you’re seriously cool AF)

Thank you for taking the time to answer me and for all you do. Your column and podcast provide vital information for everyone, not just dudes but also the women ladies to understand each other better and I’m very grateful for it.

Rock rock on,

– Anne Nonymous

DEAR ANNE NONYMOUS: Awesome! Thanks for letting us know how you’re doing, AN, and congratulations on everything working out!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I’ve enjoyed some major changes in my life. I was promoted at my job after 3 years of hard work and have found myself at a good place in life. During this time I met a girl; let’s call her K. We seemed to hit it off immediately and the fact that I was bilingual was something that she somehow found attractive. I found out she was seeing someone and she later on told me that relationship was nearing the end and she was just afraid of hurting the guy. She broke up with him a few days after and things started to speed up from there and we became friends with benefits.

Given that I was her superior, I decided to keep our relationship on the DL at the workplace. One day out of nowhere she got upset because I went out to a bar for some drinks alone and because she also found out I decided to hang out with another girl from work. Obviously this kind of behavior was a bit of a red flag and I talked to her about it to which she seemed understanding. Later on I came to find out that she wasn’t being discreet at work about what was going on between us.

I decided to talk with her and I realized we weren’t on the same page. She told me she didn’t care who found out about us because in the end they would find out regardless of who said what. She wanted a more formal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and I did not. I had just gone through a two year long distance relationship and felt that I needed to focus on my personal goals and that it wasn’t right for me to string her along and she deserved someone who could give her what she was looking for.

We still work together but things are awkward to say the least. We barely say a word to one another and a friend of mine has told me that she has informed a few people about how I decided to end things with her.

Another mutual friend went on to tell me that K got really drunk one night and confessed to still having feelings for me and that she was open to talking with me if I have something to say. Sometimes I do miss what we had beyond the physical connection but I still feel like we aren’t on the same page about what we want and in the long run that might affect whatever might come.

What should I do?

Not Jim, Not Pam

DEAR NOT JIM, NOT PAM: Honestly my dude, what you should do is hop into your nearest DeLorean, travel back in time and stop yourself from dating her in the first place. While I realize workplace romances are a thing — they’re somewhat inevitable, really — the fact that you were her superior and presumably in a place where you can directly affect her job makes it seriously not cool. You may have had the purest of intentions, but there’s a power-imbalance inherent to the setup that makes the whole thing sketchy under the best of circumstances. Doubly so if you now find yourself in the position to have to discipline her, fire her or promote someone else for a position she may also have applied for. Even if you are so good at compartmentalizing that it would never have occured to you to consider your relationship with her as a factor, it’s almost impossible to avoid the appearance of influence.

But for the sake of a thought exercise, let’s imagine that you weren’t her superior and that there were no issues that’d get you dragged before HR. Speaking strictly for the relationship you had… well, you did the right thing by ending things with her. You wanted different and mutually incompatible relationships, and that was going to create a relationship-ending impasse. In situations like these, it’s better to end things sooner rather than later; it’s kinder to them and frees them up to find a relationship with someone who is on the same page. Much like ripping off a bandage, it’s the sort of thing that if t’were to be done, best to be done quickly.

So as far as that goes, you made the right call.

Otherwise… there’s nothing else to be done here. She still wants a long-term committed relationship and you don’t and you’re still her superior at work; all that getting back together will do for you is give you the 12″ extended dance remix of your first breakup except possibly with a guest appearance by Human Resources on the hook. All there’s left to do is power through the awkward. Be professional, polite and friendly… but keep it strictly about work from now on.

And stop dating people who’re below you on the org chart at work.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader (first found you via google). My question isn’t dating-related but it’s on something you’ve talked about every now and then.

Long story short–I can’t find a friend group or anything remotely similar. I’ve tried to connect with other people who share my interests (gaming and at one point card games) but every time I’ve tried it’s either been games I don’t play (i.e., Smash or until recently COD/Halo, though I don’t mind watching any of those, TBH) or I’ve come out of the meet up bawling like a baby (something my parents can attest to) or worse, both. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I walked into gaming meetup where they were playing Smash or something, figured “eh, I can at least watch,” within ten minutes some assh

e screams a certain “r” word (or worse) and I go home shaken. Hell, a few years back I would routinely hear “f*g” thrown around in a CHILDREN’S CARD GAME circle and the first time I tried online gaming (something I DEEPLY regret…) I got called the n-word (yes, really) along with being cyber stalked and sexually harassed in the game’s PMs (I’m a dude, but the douchebag on the other end kept calling me “lady” and well…you know the rest).

I guess it doesn’t help that I’m not on social media at all. Nothing against it personally it’s just…well. I was the kid who, when myspace (remember that dinosaur?) first showed up, was utterly perplexed why anyone would want to be on it and still feel that way about Twitter and the like (apart from business reasons). It doesn’t help that I can’t stand fandom culture either (too much of a nostagia-bating circlejerk yappin’ about how awesome the 80s/90s/whatever was half the time).

Rambling aside, I just wanted to ask. Is there any surefire way to avoid the toxic bulls

t? Or does EVERY “male-centric” (I use that term loosely) nerd community act like a f

king frat house full of allegedly grown-up manbabies?

The Lone Gamer

DEAR THE LONE GAMER: You can’t completely insulate yourself against encountering assh

es, TLG. Assh

es gonna ass, and a lot of people have decided that trash talk and s

tty behavior is just a core component of competition in general and gamer culture in particular. I mean, look at how hard it seems to be for Twitch streamers to not have a “heated gamer moment”.

But that doesn’t mean every group is going to be the same cadre of smack talk and casual racism, trans- and homophobia. You may want to start by checking out gaming stores in your area, especially tabletop gaming stores and seeing whether they have regular game nights. However, you’ll want to be picky about which gaming stores you go to. You can almost always judge a store’s clientele by the store itself and its employees. If the folks working at the store are the same sort of folks who think s

t talking is cool, then the odds are higher that you’re going to find the same toxic behavior you’re looking to avoid. On the other hand, if the store is well-lit, well-organized with friendly and diverse staff who act professionally, they’re FAR less likely to put up with folks acting like 12 year old edgelords.

You might also want to spend some time on local boards and forums for your city in general. If there’s a subreddit for your town, that may be a good place to not just meet local folks and vet them, but to also find gaming groups that aren’t as crappy.

And at worst? Don’t be afraid to start your own group. Set up your own MeetUp for whatever game you’re interested in playing, make good sportsmanship part of the rules for attending and be the change you want to see in gaming.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com