DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I’ve enjoyed some major changes in my life. I was promoted at my job after 3 years of hard work and have found myself at a good place in life. During this time I met a girl; let’s call her K. We seemed to hit it off immediately and the fact that I was bilingual was something that she somehow found attractive. I found out she was seeing someone and she later on told me that relationship was nearing the end and she was just afraid of hurting the guy. She broke up with him a few days after and things started to speed up from there and we became friends with benefits.

Given that I was her superior, I decided to keep our relationship on the DL at the workplace. One day out of nowhere she got upset because I went out to a bar for some drinks alone and because she also found out I decided to hang out with another girl from work. Obviously this kind of behavior was a bit of a red flag and I talked to her about it to which she seemed understanding. Later on I came to find out that she wasn’t being discreet at work about what was going on between us.

I decided to talk with her and I realized we weren’t on the same page. She told me she didn’t care who found out about us because in the end they would find out regardless of who said what. She wanted a more formal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and I did not. I had just gone through a two year long distance relationship and felt that I needed to focus on my personal goals and that it wasn’t right for me to string her along and she deserved someone who could give her what she was looking for.

We still work together but things are awkward to say the least. We barely say a word to one another and a friend of mine has told me that she has informed a few people about how I decided to end things with her.

Another mutual friend went on to tell me that K got really drunk one night and confessed to still having feelings for me and that she was open to talking with me if I have something to say. Sometimes I do miss what we had beyond the physical connection but I still feel like we aren’t on the same page about what we want and in the long run that might affect whatever might come.

What should I do?

Not Jim, Not Pam

DEAR NOT JIM, NOT PAM: Honestly my dude, what you should do is hop into your nearest DeLorean, travel back in time and stop yourself from dating her in the first place. While I realize workplace romances are a thing — they’re somewhat inevitable, really — the fact that you were her superior and presumably in a place where you can directly affect her job makes it seriously not cool. You may have had the purest of intentions, but there’s a power-imbalance inherent to the setup that makes the whole thing sketchy under the best of circumstances. Doubly so if you now find yourself in the position to have to discipline her, fire her or promote someone else for a position she may also have applied for. Even if you are so good at compartmentalizing that it would never have occured to you to consider your relationship with her as a factor, it’s almost impossible to avoid the appearance of influence.

But for the sake of a thought exercise, let’s imagine that you weren’t her superior and that there were no issues that’d get you dragged before HR. Speaking strictly for the relationship you had… well, you did the right thing by ending things with her. You wanted different and mutually incompatible relationships, and that was going to create a relationship-ending impasse. In situations like these, it’s better to end things sooner rather than later; it’s kinder to them and frees them up to find a relationship with someone who is on the same page. Much like ripping off a bandage, it’s the sort of thing that if t’were to be done, best to be done quickly.

So as far as that goes, you made the right call.

Otherwise… there’s nothing else to be done here. She still wants a long-term committed relationship and you don’t and you’re still her superior at work; all that getting back together will do for you is give you the 12″ extended dance remix of your first breakup except possibly with a guest appearance by Human Resources on the hook. All there’s left to do is power through the awkward. Be professional, polite and friendly… but keep it strictly about work from now on.

And stop dating people who’re below you on the org chart at work.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader (first found you via google). My question isn’t dating-related but it’s on something you’ve talked about every now and then.

Long story short–I can’t find a friend group or anything remotely similar. I’ve tried to connect with other people who share my interests (gaming and at one point card games) but every time I’ve tried it’s either been games I don’t play (i.e., Smash or until recently COD/Halo, though I don’t mind watching any of those, TBH) or I’ve come out of the meet up bawling like a baby (something my parents can attest to) or worse, both. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I walked into gaming meetup where they were playing Smash or something, figured “eh, I can at least watch,” within ten minutes some assh

e screams a certain “r” word (or worse) and I go home shaken. Hell, a few years back I would routinely hear “f*g” thrown around in a CHILDREN’S CARD GAME circle and the first time I tried online gaming (something I DEEPLY regret…) I got called the n-word (yes, really) along with being cyber stalked and sexually harassed in the game’s PMs (I’m a dude, but the douchebag on the other end kept calling me “lady” and well…you know the rest).

I guess it doesn’t help that I’m not on social media at all. Nothing against it personally it’s just…well. I was the kid who, when myspace (remember that dinosaur?) first showed up, was utterly perplexed why anyone would want to be on it and still feel that way about Twitter and the like (apart from business reasons). It doesn’t help that I can’t stand fandom culture either (too much of a nostagia-bating circlejerk yappin’ about how awesome the 80s/90s/whatever was half the time).

Rambling aside, I just wanted to ask. Is there any surefire way to avoid the toxic bulls

t? Or does EVERY “male-centric” (I use that term loosely) nerd community act like a f

king frat house full of allegedly grown-up manbabies?

The Lone Gamer

DEAR THE LONE GAMER: You can’t completely insulate yourself against encountering assh

es, TLG. Assh

es gonna ass, and a lot of people have decided that trash talk and s

tty behavior is just a core component of competition in general and gamer culture in particular. I mean, look at how hard it seems to be for Twitch streamers to not have a “heated gamer moment”.

But that doesn’t mean every group is going to be the same cadre of smack talk and casual racism, trans- and homophobia. You may want to start by checking out gaming stores in your area, especially tabletop gaming stores and seeing whether they have regular game nights. However, you’ll want to be picky about which gaming stores you go to. You can almost always judge a store’s clientele by the store itself and its employees. If the folks working at the store are the same sort of folks who think s

t talking is cool, then the odds are higher that you’re going to find the same toxic behavior you’re looking to avoid. On the other hand, if the store is well-lit, well-organized with friendly and diverse staff who act professionally, they’re FAR less likely to put up with folks acting like 12 year old edgelords.

You might also want to spend some time on local boards and forums for your city in general. If there’s a subreddit for your town, that may be a good place to not just meet local folks and vet them, but to also find gaming groups that aren’t as crappy.

And at worst? Don’t be afraid to start your own group. Set up your own MeetUp for whatever game you’re interested in playing, make good sportsmanship part of the rules for attending and be the change you want to see in gaming.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Four weeks ago I matched with girl on Tinder, and things went normally. I broke the ice with a few questions, gave her my number so we could text instead (I didn’t call her since we had already been previously texting on tinder) and then made plans for a date. A couple days after that, I met her out for drinks and pool and darts (at this point we were having good conversation but no physical escalation ). We tried to go somewhere to dance but since it was the middle of the week, the place was dead; we just hung out and  talked instead. At this point we held hands as we left. Next we  drove to a karaoke bar, sang some songs and kissed. When we were leaving, I suggested we go to her place which was a block away. She agreed. We talked a bit, then started making out and things escalated. I was not planning on having sex which her, and I had even said this earlier, because I like to have sex with people I really care about. However, I felt comfortable with her so we had sex after all. I’m pretty sure it was good for her, she was a bit dry, so she was sore after but she was satisfied at least physically. The next morning, we messed around more but didn’t have sex because she was sore. Then we slept again till noon, which was a little late for us. We ended up talking for another two hours before I left to eat.

I waited four days and then had this texting exchange:

Me: Hey [DATE], hope your weekend has been going well. I had a great time with you last week and I’d love to see you again. What’s your schedule look like this week?

Her: It was really great meeting you, but I’m going to politely decline that second date. Hope all the best for you!

Me: That’s a real shame, I really enjoyed spending time with you. If you change your mind, feel free to hit me up. Hope all the best for you too.

I now have no clue what went wrong. Neither of us talked about seeing each other again. She asked in the morning how the date went and I sarcastically and playfully said “definitely a 2”.  I did make stupid comment about how much I could bench (witch is only 200) that may have come off cocky, I asked if she liked some of my favorite things and could have been to check-box-y. I also was too confident about knowing she would have me over. I don’t know if I was distant or relationship-y or she just didn’t have that spark, but even as I left, we were kissing and things seems good so I don’t know what went wrong.

Let me know what you think and what I should do.

First Time Unlucky

DEAR FIRST TIME UNLUCKY: A wise man once said: It’s possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s just life. I bring this up because many times, you can do everything right and still not get the outcome that you would want. In dating, you can have an amazing date where the conversation is sparkling, the atmosphere is sexually charged and everyone is having a great time… and they won’t be interested in a second date, often for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. They may realize that they’re not in the right headspace to date right now. They may have enjoyed things but don’t feel enough of a spark to want to see you again. You may have scratched a very specific itch and they’re satisfied with what they’ve had and don’t need any more than that. It’s not weakness… it’s life.

You… didn’t really do that. You committed some pretty big mistakes. But before I get to those, let me point out what you did right.

First: you matched with someone and took the conversation off Tinder as quickly as possible. That’s an incredibly common mistake folks make; letting the conversation drag on before you take action is part of how you end up with matches that ultimately end up going nowhere. You take so long to make your move that everyone eventually gives up, and your match ends up going out on dates with the person who did ask them out.

Similarly, you made plans for a date at a specific day and time. This is another common problem that folks run into; they say “hey it’d be great to see you sometime” or “let’s get together sometime,” then wonder why they eventually get ghosted.

Next, your date was interesting and active. Too many people go for “pleasant” dates — the cliche “dinner and a movie” or just getting drinks. Drinks are good, but ideally drinks are paired with something. Darts, pool, skee-ball, axe-throwing… these all have a competitive and active component that makes them more interesting and more memorable. Karaoke also makes for a great date; it’s fun and offbeat, a date that few people are likely to have gone on before. Dancing also makes for an excellent date because of how active it is. We are bad at understanding why we feel the way that we do; we feel the physical sensations of something and then back-fill the reasons for it later. Dancing and physical activity gets our hearts pumping and arouses our central nervous system, which arouses the rest of us. However, we associate those sensations with the person we’re with, rather than the activity. As a result, we feel that the reason we’re so hot and bothered is because we’re with that person specifically.

You also do something I recommend: you venue-hop. This is useful on a date because it creates a sort of time-dilation effect; it leaves us feeling like we’ve spent more time with the person we’re on the date with. That, in turn, makes us feel closer and more relaxed with each other.

So up to this point you’re doing pretty damn well.

Then you get back to her place and it all falls apart. To start with, the fact that your date was having issues with lubrication is… not a great sign. Vaginal lubrication isn’t necessarily a sign of arousal and it’s lack isn’t a sign of disinterest — there are a multitude of reasons why someone might be a little dry — but the lack is going to make sex less pleasant at best. That lack of lube can lead to chafing, even tearing and some pretty intense discomfort. That’s not the soreness of “I just got d

ked down by a champion” that’s “ugh that’s a really bad friction burn”. That alone is enough to make someone decide they don’t want a second go-round with you. If you’re with someone who’s having issues with getting wet enough (and obviously, who is actively and enthusiastically interested in sleeping with you), then you need to adjust your approach. If you have the option, then a little lube — especially ones that’re a step up what’s available at the drug store — helps. Otherwise, the best option is to take penetration off the table; have oral sex, jerk each other off, roll around, whatever floats your boat, but leave penetration for a time when you’ve laid in some supplies.

Your “yeah, that was about a 2” almost certainly didn’t go over well either. Unless you’ve already established a banter-y, tease-y connection together so that it’s understood that you’re joking when you say that, comments like that can be pretty hurtful. That’s the sort of tease that you need to be careful using. The wrong tone of voice, not following it up with “no, seriously, that was great, I had an amazing time,” runs the risk of making it sound like you’re joking-but-not-really. That combined with unpleasant or painful sex is a pretty good way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

But I think the biggest mistake you made was waiting four days to text her again, especially after you’d slept together. That, honestly, is the sort of thing that can make women feel really icky about the date. While it may not have been your intention, that’s the sort of thing that comes across either as playing weird power games or — worse — sends the message that you think she’s good enough to f

k but not enough to date. My general rule of thumb is that sleeping with someone warrants contacting them the next day to say “hey, I had a great time,” if not after getting home. At the very least it’s polite and avoids giving the impression that you got what you wanted and couldn’t care less about them as a person.

All things considered, I’m not surprised she wasn’t interested in seeing you again; the lead up was great, but you seriously failed to stick the landing. It may have been well-intentioned cluelessness but intentions aren’t magic and don’t mitigate the fact that this probably wasn’t as great of a date for her by the end as it was for you.

The best thing you can do now is take this experience and learn from it. Don’t make the same mistakes again, and hopefully your next incredible date will be incredible for both of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a relatively recent divorcee (about 6 months post D-Day) and I’ve had some trouble getting into the swing of being intimate with new partners. I’ve read your blog for a while and have found it quite helpful with dating advice and with self improvement. So I figured maybe you can help me out.

So a little background to explain my situation. I got married very young (I was 20 years old!). And we were married for about 9.5 years. We have 2 awesome little guys together and are good co-parents. My ex and I decided a couple years before we got divorced that we would try polyamory. We had both been interested in it for a while before hand and thought it would bring us together like it had with some friends of ours. We probably should have realized that we were more interested in being just friends with each other but that’s water under the bridge. Eventually we realized that the romance and attraction was gone in the marriage and saw a couple marriage counselors before deciding to file for divorce.

Now to the heart of the matter. I have actually been really successful with dating in my opinion. I’ve actually been mostly focusing on finding myself and living my life for myself and my kiddos. Also on being the fun persons I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve mostly stuck with online dating because it’s the easiest option for a now single dad. I’ve met a few girls I’ve liked and discovered a problem. When it comes to sexy time I panic and get out of the mood right as things are about to get fun.

More specifically I met two girls who wanted to sleep with me and with both of them the time got ruined by my own brain. In both cases things started out okay with foreplay but I just couldn’t get over a fear of being impotent and panicking about how I was going to have another failed relationship. The first girl I wasn’t that physically attracted to so I thought maybe it was that combined with the newness of being single after so long. The second girl I’m really really attracted to not only physically but she and I really hit off when we are hanging out. This time I also panicked because I hadn’t felt a connection like this in a really long time and I thought I must be falling for this girl way too fast.

So I’ve been seeing a counselor for a bit related to depression/anxiety but otherwise I am in pretty good physical health (I’m 30 and ran a marathon this past fall and have started training for more races this year). Do you have any advice for men to help get over the feeling of impotence and the fears surrounding this touchy subject. I love you blog and I hope that maybe this can help not just me but other guys out there struggling.

Yours truly

Single Dad Looking for Help

DEAR SINGLE DAD LOOKING FOR HELP: Dude. DUDE. Go easy on yourself, man. You’re only six months out of a nearly decade long relationship. Even in a mostly amicable divorce, that’s going to do a number on your brain. You need to recognize that you are still in a state of transition. You have ten years worth of habits and behaviors built up like the relationship equivalent of muscle memory, only now half of those muscles aren‘t there anymore. Relationships change our identity at a fundamental level. We don’t just become two people who live together, we merge into a single gestalt entity like a fleshy Voltron that can’t agree on what to eat on Saturday night. Only now part of you is gone and there’s a part of your brain that’s kinda freaking out at that while it heals and you rediscover who you are now.

So you need to give yourself a break here. I’m not saying “don’t date”, but I am saying “turn down your expectations”. You wouldn’t expect to run a marathon three months after having busted your ankle, would you? You’re still in the break-up equivalent of physical therapy; it’s going to take some time to get back into competitive shape again. Rushing things because you “should” be ready is a great way to re-injure yourself.

Here’s how you deal with these issues you’re having.

First: you quit worrying about the future. The only thing you should be interested in with these girls is “right now”. Maybe things won’t work out with them. That’s fine: that’s for the future. You are just going to enjoy what you have right now. Right now, you’re realizing that women still think you’re damn sexy. Right now, you’re remembering that you have options and that being divorced isn’t the end of the word. Right now, you are just going experience things to their fullest without worrying about what may happen later on. The future will take care of itself. You can enjoy what you have right now.

Second: Take your penis off the table. The great thing about sex is that there’s more to it than your junk and hers. If your penis won’t get hard, guess what? You still have two hands. You still have a tongue. You know what never goes soft at the wrong moment? Your fingers. Sex toys. Your mouth. So don’t put pressure on yourself to perform with your penis. Penetration is off the menu for a bit. Make out like teenagers without the expectation of f

king. Use your fingers and your thumbs to get her off. Use sex toys. Go down on her for so long that you grow gills. Learn – really learn – how much you can give someone pleasure without needing to make your cock the main event. The less pressure you put on yourself to have Magic Penis, the less likely that anxiety is going to rear it’s ugly head and deflate things like the saddest pool-toy.

Third: this one is important, so I want you to pay attention. You ready?

OK.

Stop referring to your marriage as a “failed relationship”. Tattoo that backwards on your forehead so you see it in the mirror when you wake up. Shave your head if you need the room.

Your relationship didn’t fail, your relationship ended. There’s a difference. Not every relationship is going to last forever, and not every relationship should. Not every relationship is going to be an epic love story. Some are going to be short stories. Some are going to be dirty limericks. And that’s fine.

You’re not a failure because you or your wife didn’t die in the saddle. You were together for ten years, you have some awesome kids and you are able to co-parent successfully? That’s f

king impressive, man. The fact that you and your ex-wife are able to work together to raise your kids, that you have this core of, if not affection than at least respect for one another and that you don’t look at each other and wish you could just flay the skin off the other and throw them into a vat of tequila? That’s a sign that your relationship was a success. All that happened is that your relationship came to its natural end. That’s not failure by any stretch of the imagination.

So give yourself a break, SDLFH. You’ve got a lot going for you, but I think you’re expecting too much all at once. Take some time. Enjoy the present without worrying about the future. And realize that yes, your marriage may have ended… but it was still a success for what it was.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com