DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My question is easy, but needs context, obviously. I’m not a native speaker so hopefully this makes sense. I was with a foreign girl who was living in my city and, more specifically, at my place for some months. We were starting something. We did not get to talk about it, but all the signs were there: confidence, sex, some kind of compromise…
Then suddenly, on a trip with more people, she had sex with someone else. I told her that it hurt me, because I thought we were into something. She did not think we were in a relationship or exclusive and, despite seeing me in pain, decided to go with this boy a second time… and a third one… She was lying me about it, but I caught them. I felt disrespected and hurt as she keep doing it after having told her the situation.
After that trip, I told her to leave my home but, somehow, she stayed after talking a lot and using the proper words. We talked about us and she wanted me only as a friend. But despite what happened, I was still hooked and so into her that I was unable to just say “goodbye” at that time. I did not want to be his friend, despite that I accepted her option, just to be with her.
Somehow, we became again to be like a couple. We started to live like before the trip, despite having agreed that we were only friends. I thought something was going on and that maybe, sometime, somehow, this could work (I even laugh about it now). But I started to detect some abusive tactics on her side, thanks to my intuition, to my friends and thanks to reading some good sites like yours, which was very helpful. I just ignored them, because I wanted to be with her. But some signs were so red that they even burnt.
After two months, she had to leave to her country for summer, promising to be back at autumn. We kept talking by chat and I decided to visit her. Some time later, I arrived there and found she had a boyfriend, and she hadn’t told me… So I was angry again. We talked a lot and she told me that she loved him and wanted to be with him. Also, she told me that she wanted to live in my country, not hers, and his new boyfriend didn’t. She’d decided that she was going to move, despite her boyfriend’s not willing to move with her. So I went back home again with the hopes that she would come alone, and that our history could possibly work.
We kept talking. I just tried to be her friend, don’t know why really. And one day she wrote me if I could help her to find a place for her and her boyfriend in my city, because they were coming. So, my hopes shattered.
At that time, I felt bad and shocked but, fortunately, that day I started to heal and forget about her. But… and there’s always some “but”… I agreed to help them.
So she arrived first and we were together two weeks, helping her find a place. Of course, she lived with me, which was awful. These were, obviously, the worst two weeks. Lots of arguments, cryings and all this stuff. Finally he came and they moved, but I let her keep some things at my place (in case I haven’t had enough). I went for a long trip to get away from everything. I even got to knew a very interesting girl in that trip. So, when I got back, I felt like I’d gotten some closure. So I thought I could just back to talk to her / them and being just friends. So we kept seeing each other but… I felt bad, I could not handle it. And I give it a fourth or fifth try. I was basically the one who was not respecting myself at this point.
One good day, they moved back to their country again and we said goodbye as “friends”, not forever. They planned to come next year, at some point, so she and I kept connected through chat, but our conversations were very few and she started arguments with me for stupid things that I even laughed about. Ah! This one is good also: some of her things were still at my place. I accepted to have them at home until they came back.
So one clear day, so far away from this bulls
t and after lots of thinking, I decided to apply “the nuclear solution” and blocked her in all forms. I only sent her a message telling her where her things are now (in a safe place, I moved them there) and that she can send for them at any time. Of course, she’s trying to reach me but I’ve blocked all.
My question is a little strange, maybe: I feel bad because I haven’t explained her why I’m leaving. So I feel the need to send a small explanation (small) without resentment, because I think every person in this world deserves an explanation of what happens. So, my question is: do you think that I need to send her this accurate farewell note? Does she deserve it? I feel the need to send it, but also think that it is not needed and that, at some point, maybe may be worse.
Once Bitten, Twice Shy
DEAR ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY: There’s an old joke that feels relevant here.
A man walks into the doctor’s office and says “Doc, it hurts when I go like this.”
The doctor says “So stop doing that.”
You’re going like this. You need to stop going like that.
This woman has proven that she’s fundamentally bad for you. Whether she’s malicious, self-involved or just so out of tune with society that she doesn’t understand, every time you get in contact with her, you get hurt.
While God knows I’ve certainly had women in my life I went back to knowing damn good and well it was a stupid idea, this is starting to reach the level of self-flagellation with you. Even now, after you’ve done what you very decidedly should have done long ago, you’re looking for an excuse to get back in contact with her.
There comes a point where you have to start recognizing that the stove is hot and you need to stop putting your hand on it. And you’re well past that point, OBTS.
But let’s put that aside for a second. Let me just ask you: in an idea world, what would you hope would be the result of you explaining to her why you’ve cut her off? Are you hoping that she’ll realize she was wrong and your cutting her off will lead her to mend her ways and be a better person? Or – and be honest with me here – are you hoping that maybe this will be what finally brings her back to you?
I ask this because, realistically? Her behavior gives every indication that she won’t give a s
t. She’s hurt you repeatedly. She’s lied to you repeatedly. She’s ignored your wishes and your boundaries. While it’s very noble that you’ve forgiven her, compromised with her and tried to help her over and over again, all that you’re doing is throwing yourself into the buzzsaw that is this woman over and over again.
So no. She doesn’t need an explanation. She doesn’t really deserve one. You’ve got to do what’s healthiest for you and that means keeping her out of your life. You chose the nuclear option for a reason.
Stop going like that and it’ll stop hurting.
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