DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My question is easy, but needs context, obviously. I’m not a native speaker so hopefully this makes sense. I was with a foreign girl who was living in my city and, more specifically, at my place for some months. We were starting something. We did not get to talk about it, but all the signs were there: confidence, sex, some kind of compromise…

Then suddenly, on a trip with more people, she had sex with someone else. I told her that it hurt me, because I thought we were into something. She did not think we were in a relationship or exclusive and, despite seeing me in pain, decided to go with this boy a second time… and a third one… She was lying me about it, but I caught them. I felt disrespected and hurt as she keep doing it after having told her the situation.

After that trip, I told her to leave my home but, somehow, she stayed after talking a lot and using the proper words. We talked about us and she wanted me only as a friend. But despite what happened, I was still hooked and so into her that I was unable to just say “goodbye” at that time. I did not want to be his friend, despite that I accepted her option, just to be with her.

Somehow, we became again to be like a couple. We started to live like before the trip, despite having agreed that we were only friends. I thought something was going on and that maybe, sometime, somehow, this could work (I even laugh about it now). But I started to detect some abusive tactics on her side, thanks to my intuition, to my friends and thanks to reading some good sites like yours, which was very helpful. I just ignored them, because I wanted to be with her. But some signs were so red that they even burnt.

After two months, she had to leave to her country for summer, promising to be back at autumn. We kept talking by chat and I decided to visit her. Some time later, I arrived there and found she had a boyfriend, and she hadn’t told me… So I was angry again. We talked a lot and she told me that she loved him and wanted to be with him. Also, she told me that she wanted to live in my country, not hers, and his new boyfriend didn’t. She’d decided that she was going to move, despite her boyfriend’s not willing to move with her. So I went back home again with the hopes that she would come alone, and that our history could possibly work.

We kept talking. I just tried to be her friend, don’t know why really. And one day she wrote me if I could help her to find a place for her and her boyfriend in my city, because they were coming. So, my hopes shattered.

At that time, I felt bad and shocked but, fortunately, that day I started to heal and forget about her. But… and there’s always some “but”… I agreed to help them.

So she arrived first and we were together two weeks, helping her find a place. Of course, she lived with me, which was awful. These were, obviously, the worst two weeks. Lots of arguments, cryings and all this stuff. Finally he came and they moved, but I let her keep some things at my place (in case I haven’t had enough). I went for a long trip to get away from everything. I even got to knew a very interesting girl in that trip. So, when I got back, I felt like I’d gotten some closure. So I thought I could just back to talk to her / them and being just friends. So we kept seeing each other but… I felt bad, I could not handle it. And I give it a fourth or fifth try. I was basically the one who was not respecting myself at this point.

One good day, they moved back to their country again and we said goodbye as “friends”, not forever. They planned to come next year, at some point, so she and I kept connected through chat, but our conversations were very few and she started arguments with me for stupid things that I even laughed about. Ah! This one is good also: some of her things were still at my place. I accepted to have them at home until they came back.

So one clear day, so far away from this bulls

t and after lots of thinking, I decided to apply “the nuclear solution” and blocked her in all forms. I only sent her a message telling her where her things are now (in a safe place, I moved them there) and that she can send for them at any time. Of course, she’s trying to reach me but I’ve blocked all.

My question is a little strange, maybe: I feel bad because I haven’t explained her why I’m leaving. So I feel the need to send a small explanation (small) without resentment, because I think every person in this world deserves an explanation of what happens. So, my question is: do you think that I need to send her this accurate farewell note? Does she deserve it? I feel the need to send it, but also think that it is not needed and that, at some point, maybe may be worse.

Thanks!

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

DEAR ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY: There’s an old joke that feels relevant here.

A man walks into the doctor’s office and says “Doc, it hurts when I go like this.”

The doctor says “So stop doing that.”

You’re going like this. You need to stop going like that.

This woman has proven that she’s fundamentally bad for you. Whether she’s malicious, self-involved or just so out of tune with society that she doesn’t understand, every time you get in contact with her, you get hurt.

While God knows I’ve certainly had women in my life I went back to knowing damn good and well it was a stupid idea, this is starting to reach the level of self-flagellation with you. Even now, after you’ve done what you very decidedly should have done long ago, you’re looking for an excuse to get back in contact with her.

There comes a point where you have to start recognizing that the stove is hot and you need to stop putting your hand on it. And you’re well past that point, OBTS.

But let’s put that aside for a second. Let me just ask you: in an idea world, what would you hope would be the result of you explaining to her why you’ve cut her off? Are you hoping that she’ll realize she was wrong and your cutting her off will lead her to mend her ways and be a better person? Or – and be honest with me here – are you hoping that maybe this will be what finally brings her back to you?

I ask this because, realistically? Her behavior gives every indication that she won’t give a s

t. She’s hurt you repeatedly. She’s lied to you repeatedly. She’s ignored your wishes and your boundaries. While it’s very noble that you’ve forgiven her, compromised with her and tried to help her over and over again, all that you’re doing is throwing yourself into the buzzsaw that is this woman over and over again.

So no. She doesn’t need an explanation. She doesn’t really deserve one. You’ve got to do what’s healthiest for you and that means keeping her out of your life. You chose the nuclear option for a reason.

Stop going like that and it’ll stop hurting.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 24 year old guy. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I just shared a 4 year anniversary with, but for the past 9 – 12 months her sex drive has been basically non existent.

I’ll openly admit to having a high sex drive, and paired with hers this isn’t making me the most cheerful guy every day of the week, but I love her very much and want to make her happy. So I deal. I also know that burying this s

t isn’t great, so we’ve talked in the past about why hers has dampened and not gotten a lot of progress – she doesn’t know and can’t think of any real reason what it could be. No contraceptive chemistry reasons, no dramatic events and I haven’t gotten crazy fat / ugly either. I usually initiate 100% of the time, but I have tried approaches like backing off completely, giving her space and hoping she’d initiate anything and it was over 2 weeks before she brought up that “there must be something up with me because I wasn’t interested in her”.

On top of this, It’s not just the physical stuff. She doesn’t want to flirt either and though I’ve really tried to be spontaneous in stuff that isn’t bedroom related, I always feel I hit a brick wall. Despite this, we’ve talked and I truly believe her feelings towards me haven’t changed and she still loves me the same.. this is just some disconnect that’s happening.

Buckle up kiddos, because whilst I wish it was less complicated that’s only half of my issue. Whether these halves are related or not I can’t say for sure, but here goes.

I have developed a huge crush on my gf’s best friend. I’ve known her for years and I’ve always found her very attractive, but for about 3 months now I’ve done nothing but think about her. Every day. Before then I always viewed her as someone who I’d sleep with in a heartbeat if I was single, but I’m not so.. it just wasn’t an issue.

Full disclosure, we have always openly flirted. All THREE of us. Which, whilst it's always been clear that nothing said has really been serious, part of me always hoped I was gonna get very lucky if ya know what I mean. This is something my girlfriend is very aware that I’ve always wanted, and to me she’s always been the first choice.

I view myself as a pretty logical guy, so I’ve thought about this from a few angles (being a reader of yours, I get that lust still happens regardless of if my brain knows I’m in a relationship or not). Whilst she’s gorgeous, we wouldn’t be compatible when it comes to dating, and a few aspects of her personality don’t match with me so like I said, up until recently it just wasn’t an issue. Relationship wise, I’m well aware she doesn’t hold a candle to what I have with my girlfriend.

But now it is an issue. How do I get it to stop thinking about her. Its been 3+ straight months. I love my girlfriend and I don’t want to be dealing with this.

What can I do? The last girl I had romantic feelings for whilst with my current girlfriend I simply cut contact with when it passed the point of “just something in the background”. I can’t cut contact with this one. I end up seeing her whenever my girlfriend does – and she’s not my friend to cut contact with in the first place. Another weird feeling which I haven’t had time to process yet: tonight, as I am writing this to you, I literally just learnt the best friend has a new man in her life, and whilst her usual choices are mostly pretty scummy, this guy sounds like he’s pretty legit. I find myself consumed in both jealousy and depression that it’s not me… And that isn’t healthy for my relationship.

Way way tl:dr; Girlfriend has no sex / flirt drive which leaves me feeling pretty sexually unwanted. This has probably led to me falling deeply in lust/love with her best friend.

How do I fix both?!

Please help. I’ll take anything you got.

Yours,

Unwanted thoughts.. and body

DEAR UNWANTED THOUGHTS AND BODY: OK, UTAB, let’s take this from the top. And the topline is simple: you can have your girlfriend, or you can cheat. You can’t have both. Now, while my general stance is that not all infidelities are equal, this isn’t a case of “impaired judgement and s

t happened.” This is a pre-meditated infidelity under circumstances that frankly, don’t really make the cut for “well, I can understand why…”

So before you do anything drastic, let’s break this down. There’re two things you need to do here.

First: you and your girlfriend need to drill down as to what’s going on with her sex life. Generally speaking, sexual desire doesn’t just straight up disappear for no reason; there’s almost always a cause. It could be boredom, it could be a desire for sexual novelty, it could be a medical issue, an emotional issue… or it could be she simply isn’t into you. The problem here is that “loss of libido” is a symptom for so many issues that it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to diagnose right off the bat. Especially if you’re just a loudmouth with a blog who is not a doctor.

Now, the fact that she’s quit being flirty  at all… well, I have my suspicions and I’d want to know more before I’d say anything. My first question would be for your girlfriend: how does she feel about her loss of her sex drive? Does it bother her, or is sex now something she could take or leave? That alone will be a pretty strong indication of where she is. If she just doesn’t really care about sex any more and isn’t terribly motivated to get her mojo back, then that’s going to mean you two will have to make some decisions about the nature of your relationship. If it’s something that DOES bother her, then it’s probably not a bad idea to talk to her doctor first, in order to rule out medical issues. And a thing to keep in mind: if it’s an issue of boredom, poor sexual compatibility or lack of attraction – for whatever reason – it may be that she doesn’t feel comfortable or that she has the space within your relationship to say so. It may well be a good idea for the both of you to talk to a sex-positive relationship counselor; the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists website can help you find someone in your area.

Now, as for your girlfriend’s BFF?

Unlike in porn, going for your girlfriend’s best friend tends to be a phenomenally bad idea. Like crossing-the-streams bad. Yes, you three have been flirting and your girlfriend’s cool with that. But that flirting has been a) under the accepted knowledge that it’s playful flirting without intent and b) in the context of your girlfriend being there. This doesn’t mean that her best friend would be interested in letting you into her Room of Requirement, nor does it mean that she necessarily wants to flirt with you independently from your current dynamic. Similarly, I rather suspect that if your girlfriend found out that you and her best friend had been flirting, she would have a very different reaction. Is it possible that she’d approve? Technically, yes, it’s possible. The likelihood is so damn remote that I’m not sure they make numbers that could express the concept properly, but it’s technically possible.

But unless you two have a long series of discussions about ethical non-monogamy, I don’t think that’s here nor there. Making a play for her best friend is almost certainly going to blow up in your face, regardless of whether the best friend is into you or not. You will, in all likelihood, end up destroying your relationship with your girlfriend and her relationship with her friend.

You don’t need that karma.

So what do you do in the meantime?

You don’t need to cut out the best friend. Hell, fantasize about the best friend all you want, as long as it stays strictly between your ears. But when you think that things are getting so bad that taking a swing at her is a good idea, you masturbate first. You keep yourself satiated so that you don’t go do something stupid. The great joke of the universe is that humans tend to have enough blood to run their brains or their genitals at optimum performance, not both… so we tend to make bad decisions when we’re horny. You’re on that verge right now. Get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga Fliphole, some lube and release some of those frustrations while you and your girlfriend try to sort things out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As I’ve gained more confidence in socializing and interacting with others, there’s still (what I think is) an important skill that I’m lacking: how to remember names and faces.

I bring this up because I came across someone on OKCupid who happens to be in the same grad faculty where I go to school. To be sure, I messaged her asking if that was the case. She responded and said that she did and recognized me from the last event the grad students had been out to.

I felt kinda bad because I wasn’t connecting any name or face, and I’ve always been bad at remembering names. It’s even harder in a context like that event (lots of people, loud atmosphere, alcohol). I’d like to know if there are techniques out there for remembering names and faces. This individual seems understanding but I’m sure there are people out there who would see this as being self-centered.

Sincerely,

Forgetful

DEAR FORGETFUL: Don’t feel too ashamed, Forgetful. Plenty of people have a hard time remembering faces or names. in fact, many people out there – including Brad Pitt, as it turns out – suffer from a cognitive disorder known as prosopagnosia, which can make it incredibly difficult to recognize or remember faces. Personally, I’m actually really bad at remembering names; many times it takes me a couple tries before I can connect a person’s name to the individual. And let me tell you, this gets fun at parties when I introduce myself to somebody I’ve met three or four times before. 

Thing is, knowing how to remember names is an important part of being charismatic and charming. We instinctively listen for our names; how many times have you sworn you heard someone say your name, only to realize you misheard? Dale Carnegie’s quote of  “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language” is entirely correct. When someone refers to us by name (instead of “hey you” or what have you) we feel more positively inclined towards that person. They’re showing us that they care enough and respect us enough to remember us… and that’s a pretty powerful feeling. One of the reasons why Tom Cruise is famous for his charm is because he makes a point of learning everybody’s name – gaffers, grips, the catering crew, everyone’s – and calling people by name when he sees them. Same with Bill Clinton; he not only makes a point to remember names but details about the person as well. Whenever he sees them again, he will call them by name and bring up something they talked about last time.

Never underestimate how powerful a “Hey David, how’d that pitch meeting go?” can be when you’re trying to befriend somebody.

Don’t worry if you’re not naturally good at it – or even if you have a problem. There are tricks and techniques to help you remember names and faces better.

To start with: pay attention. I realize this seems obvious, but one of the reasons why some people don’t remember names is because they were too busy getting lost in their own heads rather than listening, especially if you’ve been drinking. It’s easy to get distracted and miss their name – even when you think you heard it. Or you might be the sort who doesn’t listen but instead waits for their turn to talk. If you missed it, don’t be embarrassed. S

t happens; just say “you know what, I feel like a doof, but I don’t think I quite caught your name. Would you mind telling me one more time?”

But as obvious as this might be, it’s still important to consciously choose to pay attention and remember their names and faces. It primes the brain and makes you ready to put it all into practice.

The second trick is simple: repetition, repetition and also: repetition. If you want to remember names, find opportunities to say their name while you’re talking to them. The most obvious times are when you’re first introduced and when you’re leaving. “Hey Mellie, it’s great to meet you, I’m Forgetful,” and “Hey, Mellie, it’s been good talking to you, but I see someone over there I have to go say hi to,” are simple and natural ways of repeating somebody’s name back. You can also ask a question and say their name at the end. The more you say it, the more likely you are to remember it.

The next trick is association. What does their name remind you of? Do they share a name with someone you already know? How about an alliteration? If Mellie is sales, you might think of her as “Mellie from Marketing”. You can also associate their name with an image that they make you think of. 

Another side of this – which will help you associate their face with their name – is to memorize their most obvious facial or bodily feature. If Mellie wears cat’s eye glasses or has purple hair, make a point of picturing that feature along with their name and whatever mnemonic you’re using to associate their name with something.

Another thing you can do is mentally assign them a nickname. This was one of the quickest ways I would remember names of the women I met when I was out and about: whenever I’d get their number, I’d make a joke about how I was going to put them into my phone with some random nickname (such as, say, Reverse Cowgirl). Nicknames and inside jokes are also a great way to help ensure they remember you. Nothing stirs the memory quite like a callback to how you met after all.

The fourth trick: ask them to spell their name. Don’t worry if their name is easy like “Jeff”; everyone has run into someone with an idiosyncratic spelling (Geoff, Cristal, Gerry, Randi, etc.) that it’s understandable that you’d want to double-check. This is especially useful if they do have an unusual way of spelling their name – now you know they’re Jerri-with-an-I not Jerry-with-a-Y. Visualizing writing their name along with their most prominent feature helps cement them in your head.

The fifth trick is very simple: practice. Memory is like a muscle; the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Every time you meet somebody new, put these techniques to use. The more you work at remembering names and faces, the easier and more natural it will become. 

Oh, and one more thing: When in doubt – cheat. The great thing about smartphones is that you can use ’em to record all kinds of information. One of the things I’d do after meeting someone was to immediately write down their name, where I met them, who introduced us (if anyone), recognizable features (hair color, glasses, etc.) and important information like their job or something they mentioned. You can jot these down in the note functions on your phone or add them to the “memo” section of any contact apps.

This is also one of those times when it’s quasi-acceptable to stalk them over social media. If you have a name, then do a Google search. At the very least, most people will have a picture of themselves on their Facebook profile – tracking them down this way can be a handy way of making sure you remember their faces after you’ve gone your separate ways, even if you’re not planning on sending a friend request.

In addition: many address book apps will also let you put a picture of someone in their contact information which will show up when they email or call you – another way of helping to associate names with faces. If you do friend them on Facebook, you can set their profile photo as part of their contact info. Alternately, you can find an opportunity to take a photo (with their permission) and use that. If you’re meeting them at clubs or parties, get a friend to take a picture of the two of you.

But those are the tricks that worked for me. Readers: do you have trouble remembering names and faces? Have any tips for cementing peoples’s mugs into your memory? Help Forgetful out and share them in the comments…

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)