DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 24 year old guy. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I just shared a 4 year anniversary with, but for the past 9 – 12 months her sex drive has been basically non existent.
I’ll openly admit to having a high sex drive, and paired with hers this isn’t making me the most cheerful guy every day of the week, but I love her very much and want to make her happy. So I deal. I also know that burying this s
t isn’t great, so we’ve talked in the past about why hers has dampened and not gotten a lot of progress – she doesn’t know and can’t think of any real reason what it could be. No contraceptive chemistry reasons, no dramatic events and I haven’t gotten crazy fat / ugly either. I usually initiate 100% of the time, but I have tried approaches like backing off completely, giving her space and hoping she’d initiate anything and it was over 2 weeks before she brought up that “there must be something up with me because I wasn’t interested in her”.
On top of this, It’s not just the physical stuff. She doesn’t want to flirt either and though I’ve really tried to be spontaneous in stuff that isn’t bedroom related, I always feel I hit a brick wall. Despite this, we’ve talked and I truly believe her feelings towards me haven’t changed and she still loves me the same.. this is just some disconnect that’s happening.
Buckle up kiddos, because whilst I wish it was less complicated that’s only half of my issue. Whether these halves are related or not I can’t say for sure, but here goes.
I have developed a huge crush on my gf’s best friend. I’ve known her for years and I’ve always found her very attractive, but for about 3 months now I’ve done nothing but think about her. Every day. Before then I always viewed her as someone who I’d sleep with in a heartbeat if I was single, but I’m not so.. it just wasn’t an issue.
Full disclosure, we have always openly flirted. All THREE of us. Which, whilst it's always been clear that nothing said has really been serious, part of me always hoped I was gonna get very lucky if ya know what I mean. This is something my girlfriend is very aware that I’ve always wanted, and to me she’s always been the first choice.
I view myself as a pretty logical guy, so I’ve thought about this from a few angles (being a reader of yours, I get that lust still happens regardless of if my brain knows I’m in a relationship or not). Whilst she’s gorgeous, we wouldn’t be compatible when it comes to dating, and a few aspects of her personality don’t match with me so like I said, up until recently it just wasn’t an issue. Relationship wise, I’m well aware she doesn’t hold a candle to what I have with my girlfriend.
But now it is an issue. How do I get it to stop thinking about her. Its been 3+ straight months. I love my girlfriend and I don’t want to be dealing with this.
What can I do? The last girl I had romantic feelings for whilst with my current girlfriend I simply cut contact with when it passed the point of “just something in the background”. I can’t cut contact with this one. I end up seeing her whenever my girlfriend does – and she’s not my friend to cut contact with in the first place. Another weird feeling which I haven’t had time to process yet: tonight, as I am writing this to you, I literally just learnt the best friend has a new man in her life, and whilst her usual choices are mostly pretty scummy, this guy sounds like he’s pretty legit. I find myself consumed in both jealousy and depression that it’s not me… And that isn’t healthy for my relationship.
Way way tl:dr; Girlfriend has no sex / flirt drive which leaves me feeling pretty sexually unwanted. This has probably led to me falling deeply in lust/love with her best friend.
How do I fix both?!
Please help. I’ll take anything you got.
Unwanted thoughts.. and body
DEAR UNWANTED THOUGHTS AND BODY: OK, UTAB, let’s take this from the top. And the topline is simple: you can have your girlfriend, or you can cheat. You can’t have both. Now, while my general stance is that not all infidelities are equal, this isn’t a case of “impaired judgement and s
t happened.” This is a pre-meditated infidelity under circumstances that frankly, don’t really make the cut for “well, I can understand why…”
So before you do anything drastic, let’s break this down. There’re two things you need to do here.
First: you and your girlfriend need to drill down as to what’s going on with her sex life. Generally speaking, sexual desire doesn’t just straight up disappear for no reason; there’s almost always a cause. It could be boredom, it could be a desire for sexual novelty, it could be a medical issue, an emotional issue… or it could be she simply isn’t into you. The problem here is that “loss of libido” is a symptom for so many issues that it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to diagnose right off the bat. Especially if you’re just a loudmouth with a blog who is not a doctor.
Now, the fact that she’s quit being flirty at all… well, I have my suspicions and I’d want to know more before I’d say anything. My first question would be for your girlfriend: how does she feel about her loss of her sex drive? Does it bother her, or is sex now something she could take or leave? That alone will be a pretty strong indication of where she is. If she just doesn’t really care about sex any more and isn’t terribly motivated to get her mojo back, then that’s going to mean you two will have to make some decisions about the nature of your relationship. If it’s something that DOES bother her, then it’s probably not a bad idea to talk to her doctor first, in order to rule out medical issues. And a thing to keep in mind: if it’s an issue of boredom, poor sexual compatibility or lack of attraction – for whatever reason – it may be that she doesn’t feel comfortable or that she has the space within your relationship to say so. It may well be a good idea for the both of you to talk to a sex-positive relationship counselor; the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists website can help you find someone in your area.
Now, as for your girlfriend’s BFF?
Unlike in porn, going for your girlfriend’s best friend tends to be a phenomenally bad idea. Like crossing-the-streams bad. Yes, you three have been flirting and your girlfriend’s cool with that. But that flirting has been a) under the accepted knowledge that it’s playful flirting without intent and b) in the context of your girlfriend being there. This doesn’t mean that her best friend would be interested in letting you into her Room of Requirement, nor does it mean that she necessarily wants to flirt with you independently from your current dynamic. Similarly, I rather suspect that if your girlfriend found out that you and her best friend had been flirting, she would have a very different reaction. Is it possible that she’d approve? Technically, yes, it’s possible. The likelihood is so damn remote that I’m not sure they make numbers that could express the concept properly, but it’s technically possible.
But unless you two have a long series of discussions about ethical non-monogamy, I don’t think that’s here nor there. Making a play for her best friend is almost certainly going to blow up in your face, regardless of whether the best friend is into you or not. You will, in all likelihood, end up destroying your relationship with your girlfriend and her relationship with her friend.
You don’t need that karma.
So what do you do in the meantime?
You don’t need to cut out the best friend. Hell, fantasize about the best friend all you want, as long as it stays strictly between your ears. But when you think that things are getting so bad that taking a swing at her is a good idea, you masturbate first. You keep yourself satiated so that you don’t go do something stupid. The great joke of the universe is that humans tend to have enough blood to run their brains or their genitals at optimum performance, not both… so we tend to make bad decisions when we’re horny. You’re on that verge right now. Get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga Fliphole, some lube and release some of those frustrations while you and your girlfriend try to sort things out.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)