DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 24 year old guy. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I just shared a 4 year anniversary with, but for the past 9 – 12 months her sex drive has been basically non existent.

I’ll openly admit to having a high sex drive, and paired with hers this isn’t making me the most cheerful guy every day of the week, but I love her very much and want to make her happy. So I deal. I also know that burying this s

t isn’t great, so we’ve talked in the past about why hers has dampened and not gotten a lot of progress – she doesn’t know and can’t think of any real reason what it could be. No contraceptive chemistry reasons, no dramatic events and I haven’t gotten crazy fat / ugly either. I usually initiate 100% of the time, but I have tried approaches like backing off completely, giving her space and hoping she’d initiate anything and it was over 2 weeks before she brought up that “there must be something up with me because I wasn’t interested in her”.

On top of this, It’s not just the physical stuff. She doesn’t want to flirt either and though I’ve really tried to be spontaneous in stuff that isn’t bedroom related, I always feel I hit a brick wall. Despite this, we’ve talked and I truly believe her feelings towards me haven’t changed and she still loves me the same.. this is just some disconnect that’s happening.

Buckle up kiddos, because whilst I wish it was less complicated that’s only half of my issue. Whether these halves are related or not I can’t say for sure, but here goes.

I have developed a huge crush on my gf’s best friend. I’ve known her for years and I’ve always found her very attractive, but for about 3 months now I’ve done nothing but think about her. Every day. Before then I always viewed her as someone who I’d sleep with in a heartbeat if I was single, but I’m not so.. it just wasn’t an issue.

Full disclosure, we have always openly flirted. All THREE of us. Which, whilst it's always been clear that nothing said has really been serious, part of me always hoped I was gonna get very lucky if ya know what I mean. This is something my girlfriend is very aware that I’ve always wanted, and to me she’s always been the first choice.

I view myself as a pretty logical guy, so I’ve thought about this from a few angles (being a reader of yours, I get that lust still happens regardless of if my brain knows I’m in a relationship or not). Whilst she’s gorgeous, we wouldn’t be compatible when it comes to dating, and a few aspects of her personality don’t match with me so like I said, up until recently it just wasn’t an issue. Relationship wise, I’m well aware she doesn’t hold a candle to what I have with my girlfriend.

But now it is an issue. How do I get it to stop thinking about her. Its been 3+ straight months. I love my girlfriend and I don’t want to be dealing with this.

What can I do? The last girl I had romantic feelings for whilst with my current girlfriend I simply cut contact with when it passed the point of “just something in the background”. I can’t cut contact with this one. I end up seeing her whenever my girlfriend does – and she’s not my friend to cut contact with in the first place. Another weird feeling which I haven’t had time to process yet: tonight, as I am writing this to you, I literally just learnt the best friend has a new man in her life, and whilst her usual choices are mostly pretty scummy, this guy sounds like he’s pretty legit. I find myself consumed in both jealousy and depression that it’s not me… And that isn’t healthy for my relationship.

Way way tl:dr; Girlfriend has no sex / flirt drive which leaves me feeling pretty sexually unwanted. This has probably led to me falling deeply in lust/love with her best friend.

How do I fix both?!

Please help. I’ll take anything you got.

Yours,

Unwanted thoughts.. and body

DEAR UNWANTED THOUGHTS AND BODY: OK, UTAB, let’s take this from the top. And the topline is simple: you can have your girlfriend, or you can cheat. You can’t have both. Now, while my general stance is that not all infidelities are equal, this isn’t a case of “impaired judgement and s

t happened.” This is a pre-meditated infidelity under circumstances that frankly, don’t really make the cut for “well, I can understand why…”

So before you do anything drastic, let’s break this down. There’re two things you need to do here.

First: you and your girlfriend need to drill down as to what’s going on with her sex life. Generally speaking, sexual desire doesn’t just straight up disappear for no reason; there’s almost always a cause. It could be boredom, it could be a desire for sexual novelty, it could be a medical issue, an emotional issue… or it could be she simply isn’t into you. The problem here is that “loss of libido” is a symptom for so many issues that it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to diagnose right off the bat. Especially if you’re just a loudmouth with a blog who is not a doctor.

Now, the fact that she’s quit being flirty  at all… well, I have my suspicions and I’d want to know more before I’d say anything. My first question would be for your girlfriend: how does she feel about her loss of her sex drive? Does it bother her, or is sex now something she could take or leave? That alone will be a pretty strong indication of where she is. If she just doesn’t really care about sex any more and isn’t terribly motivated to get her mojo back, then that’s going to mean you two will have to make some decisions about the nature of your relationship. If it’s something that DOES bother her, then it’s probably not a bad idea to talk to her doctor first, in order to rule out medical issues. And a thing to keep in mind: if it’s an issue of boredom, poor sexual compatibility or lack of attraction – for whatever reason – it may be that she doesn’t feel comfortable or that she has the space within your relationship to say so. It may well be a good idea for the both of you to talk to a sex-positive relationship counselor; the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists website can help you find someone in your area.

Now, as for your girlfriend’s BFF?

Unlike in porn, going for your girlfriend’s best friend tends to be a phenomenally bad idea. Like crossing-the-streams bad. Yes, you three have been flirting and your girlfriend’s cool with that. But that flirting has been a) under the accepted knowledge that it’s playful flirting without intent and b) in the context of your girlfriend being there. This doesn’t mean that her best friend would be interested in letting you into her Room of Requirement, nor does it mean that she necessarily wants to flirt with you independently from your current dynamic. Similarly, I rather suspect that if your girlfriend found out that you and her best friend had been flirting, she would have a very different reaction. Is it possible that she’d approve? Technically, yes, it’s possible. The likelihood is so damn remote that I’m not sure they make numbers that could express the concept properly, but it’s technically possible.

But unless you two have a long series of discussions about ethical non-monogamy, I don’t think that’s here nor there. Making a play for her best friend is almost certainly going to blow up in your face, regardless of whether the best friend is into you or not. You will, in all likelihood, end up destroying your relationship with your girlfriend and her relationship with her friend.

You don’t need that karma.

So what do you do in the meantime?

You don’t need to cut out the best friend. Hell, fantasize about the best friend all you want, as long as it stays strictly between your ears. But when you think that things are getting so bad that taking a swing at her is a good idea, you masturbate first. You keep yourself satiated so that you don’t go do something stupid. The great joke of the universe is that humans tend to have enough blood to run their brains or their genitals at optimum performance, not both… so we tend to make bad decisions when we’re horny. You’re on that verge right now. Get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga Fliphole, some lube and release some of those frustrations while you and your girlfriend try to sort things out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As I’ve gained more confidence in socializing and interacting with others, there’s still (what I think is) an important skill that I’m lacking: how to remember names and faces.

I bring this up because I came across someone on OKCupid who happens to be in the same grad faculty where I go to school. To be sure, I messaged her asking if that was the case. She responded and said that she did and recognized me from the last event the grad students had been out to.

I felt kinda bad because I wasn’t connecting any name or face, and I’ve always been bad at remembering names. It’s even harder in a context like that event (lots of people, loud atmosphere, alcohol). I’d like to know if there are techniques out there for remembering names and faces. This individual seems understanding but I’m sure there are people out there who would see this as being self-centered.

Sincerely,

Forgetful

DEAR FORGETFUL: Don’t feel too ashamed, Forgetful. Plenty of people have a hard time remembering faces or names. in fact, many people out there – including Brad Pitt, as it turns out – suffer from a cognitive disorder known as prosopagnosia, which can make it incredibly difficult to recognize or remember faces. Personally, I’m actually really bad at remembering names; many times it takes me a couple tries before I can connect a person’s name to the individual. And let me tell you, this gets fun at parties when I introduce myself to somebody I’ve met three or four times before. 

Thing is, knowing how to remember names is an important part of being charismatic and charming. We instinctively listen for our names; how many times have you sworn you heard someone say your name, only to realize you misheard? Dale Carnegie’s quote of  “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language” is entirely correct. When someone refers to us by name (instead of “hey you” or what have you) we feel more positively inclined towards that person. They’re showing us that they care enough and respect us enough to remember us… and that’s a pretty powerful feeling. One of the reasons why Tom Cruise is famous for his charm is because he makes a point of learning everybody’s name – gaffers, grips, the catering crew, everyone’s – and calling people by name when he sees them. Same with Bill Clinton; he not only makes a point to remember names but details about the person as well. Whenever he sees them again, he will call them by name and bring up something they talked about last time.

Never underestimate how powerful a “Hey David, how’d that pitch meeting go?” can be when you’re trying to befriend somebody.

Don’t worry if you’re not naturally good at it – or even if you have a problem. There are tricks and techniques to help you remember names and faces better.

To start with: pay attention. I realize this seems obvious, but one of the reasons why some people don’t remember names is because they were too busy getting lost in their own heads rather than listening, especially if you’ve been drinking. It’s easy to get distracted and miss their name – even when you think you heard it. Or you might be the sort who doesn’t listen but instead waits for their turn to talk. If you missed it, don’t be embarrassed. S

t happens; just say “you know what, I feel like a doof, but I don’t think I quite caught your name. Would you mind telling me one more time?”

But as obvious as this might be, it’s still important to consciously choose to pay attention and remember their names and faces. It primes the brain and makes you ready to put it all into practice.

The second trick is simple: repetition, repetition and also: repetition. If you want to remember names, find opportunities to say their name while you’re talking to them. The most obvious times are when you’re first introduced and when you’re leaving. “Hey Mellie, it’s great to meet you, I’m Forgetful,” and “Hey, Mellie, it’s been good talking to you, but I see someone over there I have to go say hi to,” are simple and natural ways of repeating somebody’s name back. You can also ask a question and say their name at the end. The more you say it, the more likely you are to remember it.

The next trick is association. What does their name remind you of? Do they share a name with someone you already know? How about an alliteration? If Mellie is sales, you might think of her as “Mellie from Marketing”. You can also associate their name with an image that they make you think of. 

Another side of this – which will help you associate their face with their name – is to memorize their most obvious facial or bodily feature. If Mellie wears cat’s eye glasses or has purple hair, make a point of picturing that feature along with their name and whatever mnemonic you’re using to associate their name with something.

Another thing you can do is mentally assign them a nickname. This was one of the quickest ways I would remember names of the women I met when I was out and about: whenever I’d get their number, I’d make a joke about how I was going to put them into my phone with some random nickname (such as, say, Reverse Cowgirl). Nicknames and inside jokes are also a great way to help ensure they remember you. Nothing stirs the memory quite like a callback to how you met after all.

The fourth trick: ask them to spell their name. Don’t worry if their name is easy like “Jeff”; everyone has run into someone with an idiosyncratic spelling (Geoff, Cristal, Gerry, Randi, etc.) that it’s understandable that you’d want to double-check. This is especially useful if they do have an unusual way of spelling their name – now you know they’re Jerri-with-an-I not Jerry-with-a-Y. Visualizing writing their name along with their most prominent feature helps cement them in your head.

The fifth trick is very simple: practice. Memory is like a muscle; the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Every time you meet somebody new, put these techniques to use. The more you work at remembering names and faces, the easier and more natural it will become. 

Oh, and one more thing: When in doubt – cheat. The great thing about smartphones is that you can use ’em to record all kinds of information. One of the things I’d do after meeting someone was to immediately write down their name, where I met them, who introduced us (if anyone), recognizable features (hair color, glasses, etc.) and important information like their job or something they mentioned. You can jot these down in the note functions on your phone or add them to the “memo” section of any contact apps.

This is also one of those times when it’s quasi-acceptable to stalk them over social media. If you have a name, then do a Google search. At the very least, most people will have a picture of themselves on their Facebook profile – tracking them down this way can be a handy way of making sure you remember their faces after you’ve gone your separate ways, even if you’re not planning on sending a friend request.

In addition: many address book apps will also let you put a picture of someone in their contact information which will show up when they email or call you – another way of helping to associate names with faces. If you do friend them on Facebook, you can set their profile photo as part of their contact info. Alternately, you can find an opportunity to take a photo (with their permission) and use that. If you’re meeting them at clubs or parties, get a friend to take a picture of the two of you.

But those are the tricks that worked for me. Readers: do you have trouble remembering names and faces? Have any tips for cementing peoples’s mugs into your memory? Help Forgetful out and share them in the comments…

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I live in NYC. As I am walking on the street over Union square, all of a sudden a girl comes up and stops me to talk about her non-profit company, which helps conserving nature. Now apparently like others she tries to stop others, explains about her organization’s motto to help the prevent the environment, and lastly asks for a donation. She asks for a donation, and I end up paying. Usually, I am good at passing this kind of situations, but I loved staying with her, and listen to her at that moment. She talks a bit about herself, and I do about myself as well. After all the conversation and formal talking and the payments, I ask her if she is interested in having coffee with me sometimes. She said- “sure.” I ask her to put her number on my cell phone, and she does.

Now, I am having a panic attack because I have not called her yet, and do not even know how to or what to talk about. There is this fear of rejection that I am feeling within me, which is blocking me to talk to her. Yes, I would LOVE to go out with her, because she is beautiful and a very down to earth person.

I would appreciate if you could give me some suggestions or advices as soon as possible on how to approach with that first phone call and keep the ball running. Thank You so much I appreciate your patience. I Hope to hear from you.

– Strangers Waiting Up And Down The Boulevard

DEAR STRANGERS WAITING UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD: I hate to say this Strangers, but the question you’re asking isn’t the one you think you’re asking. Before I get to the meat of your question, I’m going to use you to talk about something else for a second: the science of persuasion and how to tell whether someone genuinely likes you or they’re trying to get you to do something.

Yes, I know this seems random. Stick with me for a second and you’ll see where I’m going with all of this.

We all like to think that we’re strong-willed individuals who never fall for blatant manipulation tactics. We like to insist that ads don’t really work on us; we know what we like and why and Madison Avenue can go screw. We like to think that we’re the gimlet-eyed, hyper-rational man with minds like steel traps who understand everything about ourselves and can spot a user from a mile away. And it’s a nice fantasy, but there’s a reason why advertising agencies are still around and why car dealers are extremely good at getting you to buy expensive add-ons that do absolutely nothing for your car except pad out your payments a little more.

There is a wide-swath of people whose jobs require being professionally friendly. Bartenders, waiters and other service-industry jobs that rely on tips all will be extra friendly or flirty because they know it makes the difference between a 12% tip and a 20% one. Marketers and salesmen want to show that they’re on our side, looking out for our interests because that can make the difference between making the sale or not. Their jobs demand that they understand all of the little things that make us decide how and when to do something. This includes the people standing around with clipboards who want to get you to talk about their organization and make a donation or two.

In your case Strangers, you met someone soliciting signatures and donations, vibed with her for a while, had a nice conversation, made a donation and got her pone number. How much of this is professional interest and how much is genuine? Well, let’s examine some of the techniques that they use.

One of the things you’ll notice is that they’re all incredibly friendly – even effusive. They’ll compliment you right off the bat. They’ll want to compare notes with you and – wouldn’t you know it – the two of you have so much in common! What’re the odds that you’ve met a total stranger who just seems to synch with you so well?

Well, the odds are pretty good when they’re deliberately forcing commonalities.

We’re more likely to do things for people we like, so folks soliciting donations and signatures will go out of their way to make sure we like them – which means that they are going to show interest in us first. We instinctively like people who like us – their showing interest in us makes us feel important and validated. It’s a powerful feeling and one that makes us more inclined to spend time with that person.

Next, they’ll step up the game showing how they’re so similar to us – we’re essentially “of the same tribe”.  They will find the things you have in common – you’re from the same state, you have similar backgrounds and opinions, they like the same things you do, etc. They’ll incorporate subtle influencers like mirroring your body language back to you, which makes you relax and feel more inclined to trust them.

Then they’ll use what’s known as the “yes ladder” to make you more likely to agree with them. It’s an intriguing quirk of the human psyche: the more we say “yes”, the more we want to continue saying “yes”. So they’ll often start with a simple question, something low-investment – “Do you care about helping the environment?”  or “do you have time to talk about saving the children?” for example – that you’re almost guaranteed to say “yes” to. They’ll go into their spiel with regular check-ins, asking if you agree or use phrases like “don’t you think?” which also prompt you to say “yes” again. They’ll ask for another small favor, like agreeing to sign a petition or to be put on the mailing list. By this point, you’ve been prepped for the bigger ask: to make a donation, which has been their goal this entire time.

Now when it comes to street solicitors, having an extended conversation isn’t a sign that they like you especially out of everyone else. Keeping you in the conversation, especially if you haven’t committed to making a donation, makes you more likely to actually give in. The longer you stick around, the more likely you are to do what they want. This is why stores are designed to encourage browsing; the more time you’re there, the more likely that you’re going to buy something.

At this point, hopefully you see where I’m going with this. Your real question isn’t how to ask her out, it’s whether she likes you enough to even make the attempt. And, well… I hate to say it, but I suspect that for all her politeness and seeming interest, your new friend was more interested in getting you to donate money than going on a date with you. Giving you her number doesn’t necessarily mean anything – it may well have been hers, but in a world of caller ID and voicemail, Google Voice and burner numbers, it’s easy enough to avoid calls that you don’t want to take.

Now I could be entirely wrong. I wasn’t there, I don’t know her and I didn’t watch how she interacted with you. And to be perfectly honest, as long as you’re not expecting the sun and stars,  you don’t really lose anything by asking her out on a date. I realize that it doesn’t feel that way; it feels like your entire future balances on that next phone-call. But honestly? This is a no-lose scenario. The worst thing that happens is that she turns you down. And if she does? Your life doesn’t really change. You’re no worse off than you were the day before. Meanwhile, if she agrees to go out with you, then hey, you’ve got a date! How awesome is that?

So just be direct; call her up, give her a reason to remember who you are and tell her that there’s this cool thing you’re doing this weekend that you think she’d enjoy and you’d love it if she’d go with you. Bada bing, bada boom. And if she does say no? Well, then at least you’ve got an answer and you can move on to find someone who is interested in seeing you.

And for future reference, how can you tell whether someone is being friendly out of professional interest or actually likes you? You watch for signs of genuine interest. How much information about herself is she volunteering without your prompting her? How much of it isn’t immediately relevant to the conversation but is designed to make her look cooler? The more she qualifies herself, especially without your prodding, the more she likes you; she’s polishing herself up for your approval. How much is she pumping you for info? The more interested she is in you, the more questions she’ll have – and I mean ones that really get to the heart of who you are rather than the shallow “interview” questions that allow for quick but superficial commonalities. Is she doing a lot of grooming behavior – straightening out her shirt, smoothing her hair, etc. – as she’s talking to you? Is she doing a lot of unprompted touching or reciprocal touching? Is she going out of her way to hang around and talk to you even after she’s gotten what she wanted? The more signs of genuine interest you see, the greater the odds that she actually likes you. Don’t just look for one sign; look for clusters of indications. One sign can be anything, especially when taken out of context. Clusters of signs are more reliable indicators that she’s into you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)