DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I live in NYC. As I am walking on the street over Union square, all of a sudden a girl comes up and stops me to talk about her non-profit company, which helps conserving nature. Now apparently like others she tries to stop others, explains about her organization’s motto to help the prevent the environment, and lastly asks for a donation. She asks for a donation, and I end up paying. Usually, I am good at passing this kind of situations, but I loved staying with her, and listen to her at that moment. She talks a bit about herself, and I do about myself as well. After all the conversation and formal talking and the payments, I ask her if she is interested in having coffee with me sometimes. She said- “sure.” I ask her to put her number on my cell phone, and she does.

Now, I am having a panic attack because I have not called her yet, and do not even know how to or what to talk about. There is this fear of rejection that I am feeling within me, which is blocking me to talk to her. Yes, I would LOVE to go out with her, because she is beautiful and a very down to earth person.

I would appreciate if you could give me some suggestions or advices as soon as possible on how to approach with that first phone call and keep the ball running. Thank You so much I appreciate your patience. I Hope to hear from you.

– Strangers Waiting Up And Down The Boulevard

DEAR STRANGERS WAITING UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD: I hate to say this Strangers, but the question you’re asking isn’t the one you think you’re asking. Before I get to the meat of your question, I’m going to use you to talk about something else for a second: the science of persuasion and how to tell whether someone genuinely likes you or they’re trying to get you to do something.

Yes, I know this seems random. Stick with me for a second and you’ll see where I’m going with all of this.

We all like to think that we’re strong-willed individuals who never fall for blatant manipulation tactics. We like to insist that ads don’t really work on us; we know what we like and why and Madison Avenue can go screw. We like to think that we’re the gimlet-eyed, hyper-rational man with minds like steel traps who understand everything about ourselves and can spot a user from a mile away. And it’s a nice fantasy, but there’s a reason why advertising agencies are still around and why car dealers are extremely good at getting you to buy expensive add-ons that do absolutely nothing for your car except pad out your payments a little more.

There is a wide-swath of people whose jobs require being professionally friendly. Bartenders, waiters and other service-industry jobs that rely on tips all will be extra friendly or flirty because they know it makes the difference between a 12% tip and a 20% one. Marketers and salesmen want to show that they’re on our side, looking out for our interests because that can make the difference between making the sale or not. Their jobs demand that they understand all of the little things that make us decide how and when to do something. This includes the people standing around with clipboards who want to get you to talk about their organization and make a donation or two.

In your case Strangers, you met someone soliciting signatures and donations, vibed with her for a while, had a nice conversation, made a donation and got her pone number. How much of this is professional interest and how much is genuine? Well, let’s examine some of the techniques that they use.

One of the things you’ll notice is that they’re all incredibly friendly – even effusive. They’ll compliment you right off the bat. They’ll want to compare notes with you and – wouldn’t you know it – the two of you have so much in common! What’re the odds that you’ve met a total stranger who just seems to synch with you so well?

Well, the odds are pretty good when they’re deliberately forcing commonalities.

We’re more likely to do things for people we like, so folks soliciting donations and signatures will go out of their way to make sure we like them – which means that they are going to show interest in us first. We instinctively like people who like us – their showing interest in us makes us feel important and validated. It’s a powerful feeling and one that makes us more inclined to spend time with that person.

Next, they’ll step up the game showing how they’re so similar to us – we’re essentially “of the same tribe”.  They will find the things you have in common – you’re from the same state, you have similar backgrounds and opinions, they like the same things you do, etc. They’ll incorporate subtle influencers like mirroring your body language back to you, which makes you relax and feel more inclined to trust them.

Then they’ll use what’s known as the “yes ladder” to make you more likely to agree with them. It’s an intriguing quirk of the human psyche: the more we say “yes”, the more we want to continue saying “yes”. So they’ll often start with a simple question, something low-investment – “Do you care about helping the environment?”  or “do you have time to talk about saving the children?” for example – that you’re almost guaranteed to say “yes” to. They’ll go into their spiel with regular check-ins, asking if you agree or use phrases like “don’t you think?” which also prompt you to say “yes” again. They’ll ask for another small favor, like agreeing to sign a petition or to be put on the mailing list. By this point, you’ve been prepped for the bigger ask: to make a donation, which has been their goal this entire time.

Now when it comes to street solicitors, having an extended conversation isn’t a sign that they like you especially out of everyone else. Keeping you in the conversation, especially if you haven’t committed to making a donation, makes you more likely to actually give in. The longer you stick around, the more likely you are to do what they want. This is why stores are designed to encourage browsing; the more time you’re there, the more likely that you’re going to buy something.

At this point, hopefully you see where I’m going with this. Your real question isn’t how to ask her out, it’s whether she likes you enough to even make the attempt. And, well… I hate to say it, but I suspect that for all her politeness and seeming interest, your new friend was more interested in getting you to donate money than going on a date with you. Giving you her number doesn’t necessarily mean anything – it may well have been hers, but in a world of caller ID and voicemail, Google Voice and burner numbers, it’s easy enough to avoid calls that you don’t want to take.

Now I could be entirely wrong. I wasn’t there, I don’t know her and I didn’t watch how she interacted with you. And to be perfectly honest, as long as you’re not expecting the sun and stars,  you don’t really lose anything by asking her out on a date. I realize that it doesn’t feel that way; it feels like your entire future balances on that next phone-call. But honestly? This is a no-lose scenario. The worst thing that happens is that she turns you down. And if she does? Your life doesn’t really change. You’re no worse off than you were the day before. Meanwhile, if she agrees to go out with you, then hey, you’ve got a date! How awesome is that?

So just be direct; call her up, give her a reason to remember who you are and tell her that there’s this cool thing you’re doing this weekend that you think she’d enjoy and you’d love it if she’d go with you. Bada bing, bada boom. And if she does say no? Well, then at least you’ve got an answer and you can move on to find someone who is interested in seeing you.

And for future reference, how can you tell whether someone is being friendly out of professional interest or actually likes you? You watch for signs of genuine interest. How much information about herself is she volunteering without your prompting her? How much of it isn’t immediately relevant to the conversation but is designed to make her look cooler? The more she qualifies herself, especially without your prodding, the more she likes you; she’s polishing herself up for your approval. How much is she pumping you for info? The more interested she is in you, the more questions she’ll have – and I mean ones that really get to the heart of who you are rather than the shallow “interview” questions that allow for quick but superficial commonalities. Is she doing a lot of grooming behavior – straightening out her shirt, smoothing her hair, etc. – as she’s talking to you? Is she doing a lot of unprompted touching or reciprocal touching? Is she going out of her way to hang around and talk to you even after she’s gotten what she wanted? The more signs of genuine interest you see, the greater the odds that she actually likes you. Don’t just look for one sign; look for clusters of indications. One sign can be anything, especially when taken out of context. Clusters of signs are more reliable indicators that she’s into you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a rather sensitive question. What is your advice on inter-faith relationships? As a Christian, I’ve met a lot of nice girls, although they are usually of different faiths than me (usually Atheist or Agnostic). Is it worth pursuing relationships with girls of different belief systems in the long run, or should I stick to my faith?

 A Humble Pilgrim

DEAR A HUMBLE PILGRIM: Religion can be a tricky matter when it comes to relationships. It’s deeply and intensely personal, but it is frequently intended to be projected outwards. It’s supposed to be a source of comfort, community and strength, but all too often it’s divisive and exclusionary, and the cause of conflict and anxiety.

And then when you mix two distinctly different ones… hoo boy. If you’re not careful, you end up with a lovely volatile mixture, the emotional equivalent of a Coke bottle full of nitro glycerine.

But it doesn’t have to be.

In general, the more strictly traditional and orthodox the branch of the religion, the more exclusionary it tends to be when it comes to dating and marriage; Orthodox and Hassidic Jews aren’t supposed to date or marry outside of the faith, for example, while traditional Muslim women aren’t supposed to marry non-Muslim men.

For the record: I’m not Christian and I side-eye pretty much EVERYTHING Paul had to say about… well, everything, really. So take all this with the appropriate levels of salt.

In Christianity, the idea of not marrying outside the faith predominantly comes from 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers; for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?”, which is a metaphorical reference to a passage in Deuteronomy: certain animals should not be yoked together, because together they cannot plow a straight furrow. The implication is that the unbeliever will inevitably pull the believer off the path of righteousness and into sin with him or her. In less spiritual terms, the implication is that a non-Christian is inherently incompatible with a Christian and that such relationships are doomed to failure anyway.

I, personally, find the idea that you can only be compatible with people of your own religion to be absurd. Just being Christian isn’t going to guarantee the success of a relationship, nor will an interfaith relationship ensure it’s eventual failure. That line of thinking never leads anywhere good, and when you follow it to it’s logical extreme, then you inevitably come to the conclusion that you should never date outside of your own very narrow community. Sure, you both may be Christian… but when one of you is Catholic and the other is a 7th Day Adventist, you’re going to run into just as many complications if one of you is Mormon and the other is Muslim.

The secret to keeping a difference in spiritual beliefs from wrecking a relationship is a matter of respect. You may not share your partner’s belief – or lack thereof – but you should at least respect that they have it. As long as one partner’s belief isn’t a matter of practical difficulty – she doesn’t believe in going to doctors and only relies on crystals and homeopathic remedies, he refuses to touch his partner during her “unclean” times until she’s completely re-sanctified herself – then you have the responsibility of being respectful. This doesn’t mean you can’t disagree – far from it, I’m a firm believer in the idea that you should be able to have a reasonable disagreement on the subject – but at the same time you shouldn’t actively disrespect it or otherwise antagonize it. If she’s a Jew who keeps kosher, you don’t want to taunt her about the salami sandwich you just had. If he’s Christian, you shouldn’t be telling him about how “cute” it is that a grown-ass man still has his invisible friend from childhood.

Similarly, you have an obligation not to try to press your religion – or, again, lack thereof – on your partner. A relationship is not an open-ended invitation to proselytize. Be willing to answer questions, sure. Explain the tenets of your faith and why you feel they are correct. But unless he or she specifically expresses interest in conversion, your best choice is to leave it well enough alone. Leading by example is far more persuasive than constantly explaining to someone that if they don’t believe exactly as your Invisible Sky-Daddy said you should, they’re going to be condemned to Hell and you’d feel horrible about it if they were.

In your case, AHP, you’re meeting girls who’re attractive and interesting… but aren’t Christian. I don’t think that this has to be a deal-breaker; in fact, I think you may be missing out on relationships that you may find make your life richer and more rewarding. As long as you’re willing to be respectful of their beliefs and they’re willing to afford you the same courtesy, there’s no reason why things couldn’t work out.

And if you’re terribly worried about the Bible forbidding you from interfaith relationships, I’ll point you towards 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 : ”If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’m writing with something of a convoluted story. I’ll try to keep it brief: I’m in a band with my ex-girlfriend. The band pre-dated our relationship, and when the relationship ended, we decided to keep the band going. A couple months after that relationship ended and that decision was made, I started seeing someone new. This person, with whom I have now been together for almost 2 years, doesn’t like that I’m in a band with my ex, and we have had repeated, massive fights about it. She is not being totally irrational about it – my ex, when I first told her I had started seeing someone new, kind of flipped out on me, and I, wanting to be fully honest with my new girlfriend, told her about that. My ex also was not the best to me in our relationship, not telling me she had herpes, with led to my developing it. And, again, I was honest with my new girlfriend about this. My current girlfriend thinks it is unfair to her that I have decided to keep this person in my life in any capacity.

But. The fact of the matter is that I have zero interest in any romantic rekindling with my ex. Absolutely zero, and I’ve looked at this and examined my feelings on it from every angle, including with my therapist. I simply want to continue to play in a band with this person. And my ex, while, yes, she did freak out at me a little when I told her I was seeing something new, quickly moved past that, apologized, and has been absolutely fine in terms of respecting boundaries since then. In two years, there has not even been an inkling of the possibility of one or the other of us trying to rekindle anything. She and I are friendly, but we talk only about band business and see each other only at rehearsals and shows, which amounts to 2-4 hours a week. I make sure to call or text my girlfriend after every practice so she knows where I am and that there is no funny business going on. And in almost two years, my ex has in no way acted to threaten my relationship with my current girlfriend.

And yet, we (my current girlfriend and I) still fight about this, as recently as last night. To her, the existence of the situation at all is unfair to her. It doesn’t matter that there’s nothing going on or no real existential threat to the relationship – she just doesn’t like it, and she’s never going to like it. She has never given me an ultimatum, and I’m grateful for that, but the end result has been repeated, big fights, never started by me and most often not triggered by anything more than her seeing me and my ex on stage together at a show.

Now, I JUST read an article on your site about the differences between being correct and being right in an argument, and that really hit home. I know I am CORRECT in that I have zero interest in any sort of romantic involvement with my ex. She has also moved on, and has had more than one boyfriend in the past two years, including a current one. We are just two people who want to play in a band together. At the same time, I am trying to honor my girlfriend’s feelings and the fact that me being “correct” about there not being a threat to the relationship because of this situation does not make me “right.”

But so, how can I do that when we are so diametrically opposed in our view on this situation? To her, the presence of an ex in my life, particularly one who treated me badly, is an offense. To me, someone coming into my life and trying to change something that is important to me that doesn’t directly affect them is not fair. And no matter how much I try to tell her that I hear her, that I’m trying to understand her POV, that I love her…and no matter how good to her I am, otherwise (she has said more than once that, other than having an ex in my band, I am the best boyfriend she’s ever had)… none of it matters as long as this situation exists.

So, what can we do? Is this situation – her not liking the existence of my ex in my life, me not liking that she doesn’t like it to the degree that it leads to screaming fights and makes me feel not trusted – sustainable? I want to be open to her POV, but not to the extent that I feel like I have to compromise certain emotional truths I know about myself and the way I handle my life, because I feel like that’s not healthy, either.

Obviously, I didn’t keep it short. I’m so upset by all of this. Help?

Ex Wrecks

DEAR EX WRECKS: I just want to make sure I’m understanding things clearly:

You and your ex had a drama-filled relationship. There was some poor (and occasionally outright awful) behavior on her part while you were dating and afterwards. But after you two broke up you were able to get past things, forgive each other, repair your professional relationship together and in general have a cordial platonic relationship that doesn’t extend past the fact that you’re in the same band.

And your current girlfriend has a problem with this. Well ok then.

Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush here. I think your current girlfriend is being almost absurdly unreasonable. The fact that you and your ex are able to put the past behind you like grown-ass adults and maintain a pleasant working relationship is a sign of quality in the both of you. It shows that the both of you are mature individuals who’re able to hash things out like reasonable people, recognize your f

ty to you over this. Your ex isn’t a threat to your relationship. She’s not compromising the intimacy you have with your girlfriend, nor trying to inject herself into things outside of simply existing. Your girlfriend is the one doing that and it’s on her to either get over her issues.

I appreciate that you’re trying to see things from her POV but sometimes there’s not two sides with the truth in the middle. Sometimes people are just being a

hole about this and making you feel miserable because she can’t handle her own bulls

k ups and find the core of affection and respect for one another to continue working together. These are all admirable qualities. These are traits that men and women should want to see in the people they’re dating.

It’s sweet, in a kind of distressingly possessive way, that your current girlfriend is offended on your behalf for the way that your ex wronged you. Y’know. If you squint. A lot. But at the same time the fact that she is holding a grudge that YOU let go of a while ago is, frankly, more than a little preposterous. It carries the message that she thinks you are wrong for forgiving your ex and letting bygones be bygones. Her behavior is saying that she doesn’t respect the decision that you’ve made to rise above things for the sake of the band and that she doesn’t believe that you can or should have made your peace with your ex. That, I hate to say, is NOT compatible with a long-term relationship built on mutual affection and respect.

If I had to guess, I’d say that no small part of this hinges less on whether you to may get back together (as you said: nope) and more on the fact that your ex may (and I stress MAY) have given you herpes. This, I suspect, is the crime that cannot be forgiven in her eyes. And frankly that’s more than a little absurd.

Now for some straight sex-ed: unless you tested negative immediately before dating her and tested positive afterwards, it’s entirely possible that you had herpes prior to your ex. The fact of the matter is that a significant portion of the adult population of the planet has one form of herpes or another – 1 in 6 if you keep it strictly to genital herpes (HSV-2) or 1 in 4 if you include HSV-1 – and most people who have it don’t realize it. It’s entirely possible for the virus to lie dormant and not present any symptoms for years. Some people will simply never have symptoms or an outbreak. You can even have an outbreak and never realize it – the initial outbreak tends to mimic flu symptoms.

And here’s the kicker: herpes isn’t that big of a deal. The stigma of the virus significantly outweighs the actual impact; it’s a skin condition. Woo. If someone gets a cold-sore on their lip on occasion, we don’t freak out and call them unclean or immoral, we just avoid kissing them until it heals up. If someone gets an ingrown hair, even on their crotch, we don’t make moral judgements about them. The only time herpes has a significant effect on someone’s health is if they’re having an outbreak while having sex with someone who’s HIV positive or during pregnancy.

Now: this doesn’t mean that it’s ok that your ex didn’t disclose that she had the virus. That’s not cool. But at the same time: you’ve clearly made your peace with this. You’re over it. Your ex is over it. The only person who isn’t, who refuses to accept that it’s all ok… is your current girlfriend. The fact that she has repeatedly initiated fights over something as unbelievably minor as your performing with your bandmates is a bad sign. There’s times when being right isn’t the same as being correct, true, but this ain’t one of them. Your girlfriend is wrong and she’s being unspeakably sh

holes. You need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with your girlfriend: either she can accept that your ex is your friend and your bandmate and get the fuck over things or she can move on. But you? You are done getting yelled at by someone who supposedly cares for you over crimes you haven’t committed. If she won’t quit being an a

t, then it’s time to dump her already. Yeah, I realize you care for her. But she doesn’t respect you and she’s making you miserable. That’s not a healthy relationship. That’s abuse. Don’t put up with it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)