DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and we’re both in our mid 20’s. We’re going to move in together in a month, and we’re both excited about it. He is a very kind, very respectful person: we haven’t had insertion-type sex yet because I was shy about it for a long time, but we’ve both gotten comfortable with each other, and have over the course of our relationship found our own ways to be intimate with each other (mutual masturbation, etc).

He has said that he is ready to have sex with me as long as I’m comfortable and ready, and mentally, I’m really turned on by the idea of having sex with him. I have started taking the pill and we have gone over our histories and feelings with each other. The issue I’m having is probably a combination of physical and mental.

See, I have trouble… opening up… down there. The only sex toy I can use is about the width of a thumb, and my boyfriend is much larger than that. I don’t get much pleasure from internal stimulation with it, either. At the moment, I still live with my mother (another reason I’m excited about moving in with my boyfriend), and when I’m with him or masturbating, I clench up when I hear any kind of sound that could be another person in the house– even when I’m fully aware that I’m the only one home.

I know it’s a muscle and can open up from foreplay, etc. but I can’t seem to get past a thumb width at the best of times. I’m almost a technical virgin in the vaginal sense, but have had enough experience to know that I like the sensations that accompany sexual activity. I’m just not sure if it’s a muscular thing and I just need to try and use the vibrator more often and do Kegels or something, or if it’s tied more to my nerves, or if I should talk to my gynecologist about it.

My boyfriend and I have agreed that we’re not going to have that kind of sex until we live together, mostly because of our current living situations, but I want when we try it to go well. What steps should I take to make it easier to relax and, frankly, fit my boyfriend inside me? Is it because I’m worried so much about it that I can’t go any further?

Thanks for reading,

Ready to Bloom

DEAR READY TO BLOOM: So this is the part where I remind everyone that Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor and that medical questions should be directed towards an actual doctor. Which is very much what you should be doing here, RTB. This could be any number of issues from vaginismus to “just have a tiny vaginal opening”, and there are equally as many potential treatments. Those treatments may well range from “lock the door, smoke some weed and let your boyfriend go down on you until he grows gills” to needing a series of dilators (i.e. medical grade dildos) to help promote your muscles to expand and increase elasticity.

So start with your gynecologist, RtB… but be ready to advocate for yourself. A depressing number of doctors – including OBGYNs – will brush off issues surrounding pain or sexual dissatisfaction as being unimportant or in your head. If that’s the case, don’t be afraid to insist on a second opinion.. and possibly finding a doctor via the American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists’ referral page.

The other thing I would suggest is not getting too hung up on penetration as being the only form of sex that counts. Oral sex is still sex. Mutual masturbation is still sex. Anal sex is still sex. Phone sex, frottage… all that’s still sex and still valid, even if you’re not able to get his penis all the way into you. And believe me: training him to go down on you exactly how you like it or the best way to use a vibrator on you will be all kinds of fun for the both of you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So there’s this boy who I recently started talking to but he has a girlfriend.

For the first month he told me he’s loved me and that if him and his girlfriend ever broke up that we’d be together. I didn’t think much of it because it, obviously, isn’t true because he has a girlfriend. Anyway he kept flirting with me and before I knew it, I was falling for him. I decided I wasn’t going to talk to him anymore because if I was his girlfriend. How would I feel if he was flirting with somebody else? Then he refused and kept flirting with me, insisting that we still talked, we’ll eventually he realised what he was doing is wrong and decided to stop talking to me.

But now, I want to talk to him again. We went from talking every night about us being in a relationship to us not talking at all. And only then did I realise, I’m in love with him! But he has a girlfriend! What do I do?

Not The Side Piece

DEAR NOT THE SIDE PIECE: You kick his ass to the curb and move on, NTSP. A little flirting without intent can be fun, but leading someone on with bulls

t promises, love-bombing her and ignoring her attempts to put some distance between them? That’s sh

ty behavior at best and a pretty significant series of red flags at the worst. It’s not fair to his girlfriend and it sure as hell isn’t fair to you.

Wipe his texts, delete his emails, block his number, his Facebook, his Twitter, his Snapchat and everything else you ever used to flirt with him and forget he exists. Your crush on him – and it’s just a crush – will fade in time and you can find someone who isn’t an asshole.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband, age 63, says he’s just not into sex anymore. He says maybe early in the morning but I’m too sleepy… Which is generally true… But also he knows that he can just get up out of bed when I’m asleep and just say oh well sorry. But he really isn’t seeking any intimacy at all. I’ve told him it’s really important to me and he says he sorry. I’m taking good care of myself, I’m not overweight or horribly ugly or anything. I’m not sure how to handle this we have a good life except for this …. And I have a powerful sex drive at age 58. His testosterone levels are good he works hard physically and he loves it. Any ideas?

Sexless in Seattle

DEAR SEXLESS IN SEATTLE: There are two possibilities here. The first is that he’s not interested in sex.

The second is that he’s not interested in sex with you. And if he’s pulling back from all forms of intimacy… well, that would be where I’d start to hedge my bets towards the latter.

Either way, this is going to be an ongoing issue, especially if he’s not feeling motivated to try to rekindle the spark in your relationship. While a satisfying sex life is important to a relationship, if you can be satisfied with a relationship that’s about other things than sex – your emotional connection, children you have together, etc. – then you could transition to a more companionate marriage. It could well be worth having a conversation with him about letting you get your needs met elsewhere – whether you have a semi-regular, NSA hook-up with someone likeminded or a boyfriend on the side – while the two of you stay married.

However, that’s IF you want to stay married to him. After all, not feeling desired by your partner or being denied physical intimacy by him can be pretty damn gutting, emotionally. You may well decide that you’d rather find someone who wants to be with you – physically as well as emotionally.

So I’d suggest having a long, serious chat with your husband about what’s going on. Be willing and ready to hear some things that may hurt… but also consider how you want to proceed from there. And if you do decide to open things up, I’d recommend you check out More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert and Opening Up by Tristain Taormino.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was trying to dig through your archive but I didn’t find anything on dating with a class disparity. A bit of context, up until the last few months I had all but resigned myself to the gauntlet of dating apps and coffee dates that go next to no where. Nevertheless being the filial son, I kept assenting to arranged meetings that my mother insists upon. It’s a modified version of what used to go on in my East Asian culture but generally it’s to allow the parents to gauge the potential of the match and take measure of the other family. For the most part things on this front went no where, but it did placate my mother who has increased the number of inquiries due to the fact that I am 31 and seemingly can’t catch on with anyone. Still life is funny in that I did meet someone who actually reciprocates (let’s call her Sheryl). Unfortunately it seems that our meeting was never intended because the intended person decided at the last minute to decline. The matchmaker, not wanting to waste a dinner reservation, called up Sheryl. The unintended part isn’t the problem but my mother being far thinking nosy person that she is has started warning me that there is a class difference and has not so subtly intimated that this other match (let’s call her Mirage) who I have yet to meet would work out better because Mirage will soon graduate from fancy Ivy League University. 

I don’t mean to make my mother out to be some odious Tiger Mom because I do respect her greatly as she was the mastermind and driving force that lead our extended family into the middle class after the leaving rural China in aftermath of the Cultural Revolution. As a 12 year military veteran I recognize that my mom is dangerously savvy because not every immigrant goes from English challenged food server with only a high school diploma to senior water plant engineer and landlord. Still I know she’s not the Oracle of Delphi, but I am certain that class differences will be an issue eventually.

So what should I do to manage this difference in class? Due to a misplaced debit card on a Sunday and playing phone tag and site navigation with her bank I did learn that Sheryl doesn’t have enormous credit card debt and that she has some small savings. I should be happy for Sheryl that she has money of her own, but now I feel very guilty when she pays for an occasional meal. Are we supposed to have a frank conversation about money? Am I fool for being very taken with her two months in (we tend to spend both Saturday and Sunday of every week together in some fashion)? One of the silver linings about being in a dating stalemate meant that I was able to amass a dating fund surplus so how far should I insist on paying for things when I am willing and more than able?

I don’t often meet women who are willing to suffer baseball, help me explain things to my grandfather, and not get critical about my basement of unorganized nerd stuff.  Rarer still to meet a woman who makes a habit of getting up close in my personal space, which I find incredibly, perhaps stupidly, hot. Granted there is a communications bump as her fluency in spoken English isn’t yet able to properly espouse the merits of Rin and Sesshoumaru and my fluency in spoken Chinese isn’t able to recite the Analects, but she makes going to Target fun. I’d never thought I would feel this intensely for someone ever again, but it’s happening.

I know there is also a honeymoon phase in play, but all the same, one month in and every first date with other women felt like a job interview for a position I no longer wanted. As for the speed of events, I guess being culturally compliant meant that there never was an awkward trust building phase as our parents already met and were character witnesses. So any ideas on how to talk about money and when it’s appropriate to do financial disclosures?

– Troubled Zentran

DEAR TROUBLED ZENTRAN: I’m not gonna lie to you, TZ: money tends to be the biggest source of relationship strife, right next to sexual compatibility. This strife can manifest in any number of ways, from stress over paying the bills, disproportionate contributions to the household budget, one person’s bad credit dragging them both down to spending habits to… well, you get the picture. In fact, for many men, making less than their spouses can actually cause other issues, such as erectile dysfunction.

But class differences can go beyond issues about money – in fact, class or status and money often don’t line up at all. Class differences can be more profound than even differences in race or culture, and even harder to penetrate at times. There can be differences in values, differences in what’s considered acceptable or expected behavior, familial rituals. Those clashes can cause friction, especially when one partner feels (or is made to feel) unwelcome because he or she is “not our kind, dear”.

Now somebody call Sir Mix-A-Lott because there’s a big ol’ “but” coming.

BUT.

Mirage’s class doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to be happier with her or more successful. While graduating from an Ivy League university implies future success, it doesn’t guarantee it, nor does it ensure financial stability. At the very least, she may very well be coming out of school loaded down with mountains of loan debt… and end up incurring even more if she is going to get a post-graduate degree. Meanwhile, someone with a blue-collar background and technical education may well be making five to six figures in an unglamorous-but-financially-secure job like, say, plumbing or electrical work.

All of this, however, is pretty far down the line. The time when you should be having an involved conversation about finances is when the two of your finances are going to play a bigger role in your lives together; i.e. when you’re living together. You two have been dating for two months. You are decidedly not at a point where you should be having long and involved conversations about your finances or your financial future. You’re still feeling one another out… this is not the time when the two of you should be thinking of plans any further past the next couple of weekends. Shacking up, getting married or otherwise entwining your bank accounts and credit ratings not only shouldn’t be on the table, they shouldn’t be in the same building as the table in the first place.

For right now, don’t stress about the future. Try to keep who contributes to the dates as balanced as you can. If you’re worried about her ability to pay, then plan cheaper dates. Just remember that a lot of people like to feel as though they can contribute or treat someone, even if they can’t necessarily do so to the same level.

Take your time with this relationship. Enjoy it for what it is now instead of letting the future steal the joy in exchange for what may happen down the road. You may well break up over things completely unrelated to money or economic class before it ever becomes an issue. Save the detailed financial talk until the two of you are going to actually live together.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating an awesome guy for five months now, and things between us are genuinely great. I’m 33 and I haven’t had a whole lot of relationships in my life – I’m quite content in my own company, and if I don’t feel like someone could make me happier than I would be alone, I don’t bother pursuing them. As such, I’ve had a few serious relationships that have broken off amicably when we realise that we want different things or are no longer compatible. I don’t talk to my exes much, but I’m pretty sure none of them look back on me badly. My partner is separated from his wife of seven years while the mandatory waiting period for divorce ticks down (it’s just about up now, and I’ve helped him with some of the divorce paperwork and overheard convos with his lawyer, so no doubts that it’s happening).

My issue is that, never having married myself, it’s really hard for me to comprehend loving someone so much that you promise to be with them forever, and then… a few years down the track, deciding that you can’t actually stand being in their company anymore. Their split is not a kind one, and I can’t help but be frightened of the idea that as much as he and I like each other now, what if that situation is us down the track? What if things change and we hate each other enough to take it to court and fight over every scrap of our life together? I’ve never dated a divorcee before, so this realisation is new and uncomfortable, that you can love someone enough to marry them and end up dreading the moments you must spend with them.

I know this line of thought is unhelpful, but it’s there every time I’m reminded of it, and especially when I hear about people getting divorces after just a year or two. How do I get over this irrational fear that, just because he split up with an ex badly, I might be next? I want to be happy with the time I have with him, not wondering if his (or other possible divorced partners I may have in future) feelings for me are going to flip as easily as switching off a light.

Love,

-Divorced from Reality

DEAR DIVORCED FROM REALITY: First rule of dating, DfR: All relationships end. Until you get to the one that doesn’t. If you go into every relationship worried that this one won’t end with one of you dying in the saddle, you’ll never get anywhere. You’re just going to continually what-if yourself to death. Which, in fact, you’re doing right now. What if things change? What if you hate each other? Well… what if you step outside and get hit by a meteorite? What if the caldera under Yellowstone finally blows and kills us all?

Second rule of dating: a relationship that ended isn’t a relationship that failed. As I’ve said before: not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some of them are short stories. Some of them are just dirty limericks. And that’s fine. We all grow and change over time. You obviously aren’t the same person you were at 23. Your boyfriend isn’t the same man he was at the start of his marriage. But relationships grow and change over time too, and some come to a natural end. This doesn’t mean that the relationship failed; it just meant that it was right for you in a specific place and time in your life. If the two of you can have a cordial relationship – even a friendly one, if you can continue to respect one another and still carry that kernel of affection and understand yeah this is why we were together, even if we aren’t now… well that’s actually a pretty damn successful relationship.

And here’s something else you need to consider: your boyfriend’s feelings didn’t just change for his soon-to-be ex. It isn’t that he flipped a switch and suddenly love became hate. Just as people change over time, so too do emotions. What happened between them was a process, not a bolt of lightning. Maybe it was something that could have been nipped in the bud if they’d been paying attention. Maybe it was a case of them not being right for one another and they tried to ignore it. Hell, they may have tried to push their relationship past its natural life span and the shambling corpse eventually turned on them. But it certainly wasn’t instantly.

But here’s what you need to remember: the third rule of dating is that proper preparation at the beginning of a relationship makes everything better. Taking time at the beginning to drama-proof your relationship – having some necessary conversations, learning how to have your own space as well as time together – can make your relationship last longer and run smoother than just going at it with no plan. Fortunately, I’ve written a book – It’s Dangerous To Go Alone, A Relationship Survival Handbook – that covers this in some detail. I’d suggest you check it out as you start your path with your snugglebunny.

Because the fourth rule of dating is that a relationship can’t succeed if you don’t give it a chance in the first place.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It’s Ace Girl here, from the 1st January 2019 letter. Thought I’d send you an update of what’s happened so far, bc honestly it’s been a wild ride.

I’m still struggling with my mental health – I’m in a far better place, I’d say, but it’s still not easy. Despite that, I’ve managed to get my bachelor, am starting a job next week, and plan to return to uni for a master’s in October.

Most of all, though, I’m not single anymore! Believe me, no one’s more shocked than I am.

My girlfriend is honestly amazing. She’s my best friend and we get along splendidly. We’ve been living together since November and it’s been great so far.

We’re not in what you’d call a “traditional” relationship, even by queer standards: I’m still as ace and sex-repulsed as ever, and she’s aromantic and pansexual. You could describe our relationship as queerplatonic, a word coined by the aromantic community: there’s no romance involved, and, in our case, no sex either. We’ve also been exploring our gender together and currently both identify as nonbinary. We still call each other our “girlfriend”, though, both because we’re mostly in the closet and because it’s easier than explaining what is a datemate or a zucchini.

The biggest problem so far is that neither of us is out to our parents, and we’re anxious about telling them. Our families are Catholic and pretty traditional, and with recent aura of homophobia around Poland, I’d say our worries are not unfounded. But that’s your standard queer experience, I guess.

There’s no shortage of issues we’re facing, but they’re nearly all external, like the one above. We do our best to communicate clearly, spend a lot of quality time together, help each other with their issues, and (tentatively) plan for the future. Also, raise our two cats.

I wouldn’t call my case a happy ending – mostly because it’s far from the end. There’s still a lot going on, and I guess there’ll always be. We’re happy, though, and working at both getting to a better place and enjoying what we have right now.

Thanks for your advice and wishing you all the best.

Love,

Ace (not a girl anymore)

DEAR ACE: Thanks so much for writing back and letting us know how you’re doing Ace! Glad to hear things are going so much better for you!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)