DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t know what to do.  About half a year ago, I started hanging out with these two girls that lived a few floors down from me named J and L. I thought their roommate was cute, so I started hanging around their apartment. Although that didn’t work out, I ended up getting to know her roommates and we became really close friends.  In fact, they are two of my best friends at the moment and I see them almost every day. However, there are issues with between myself and both of them that are beginning to strain the friendship I feel. 

L and I are very close. She’s a very fun and intelligent woman (one of the smartest I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting). I consider her boyfriend one of the luckiest guys on the planet. During the first month of our friendship I had a crush on J and L was often the one who I would talk to about it. After just a week of talking, she had helped me plan out the perfect date and set me up for the perfect opportunity to ask J out. Unfortunately, J ended hooking up with another guy within that same week. At this point, L and I had gotten so used to each other’s company that we would see each other every day and talk for several hours at a time.  

Now as a personal policy I view taken women as off-limits, but as we spent more and more time together, I started to develop feelings for her. Around three months ago, it ended up coming up in a conversation and I told her that if she wasn’t with her boyfriend of three and a half years, I would want to be with her. To my surprise, she told me she felt the same way. I ended up talking to J regarding this and she revealed that she has had her eye on me since the first week I’ve known her. In fact, J even went so far as to say that I was “oblivious and stupid” for not noticing and that she’s always felt weird talking to me alone because she felt like she was “stealing from L.” Ever since then, she’s been talking about breaking up with her boyfriend, but the last time she got close, she couldn’t go through with it. 

Here’s where it gets complicated. According to my other friends and L, J has taken a liking to me as well. It was actually kind of obvious to me even. She acts affectionate and playful towards me a lot of the time, and she likes to touch me. Not in a sexual way, but she likes to hit me or grab my hand. Anyways, my other friends encouraged me to ask her out, even though I thought she would say no. Even L agreed with the idea, which I have to say hurt a bit. While I do not like J as much as I like L, I finally gave into peer pressure and asked her out.  As I expected, she said no. When I asked why, she said that she wasn’t what I wanted and that she couldn’t give me the affection I want.

Ever since then, things have been awkward and I’m afraid I’ve screwed the pooch on this one. Both L and J have acted different towards me ever since. While J is already beginning to treat me the way she used to, I’m scared of losing L as a friend. She hasn’t been acting any differently, but she hasn’t been coming up to see me as often. When we do see each other, I feel like something’s different or that she’s mad at me. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I think I upset her somewhere along the way, but I’m afraid if we talk about it we’ll say too much if you catch my drift.

Six of One

DEAR SIX OF ONE: Hoo-boy. You need to be getting on your hands and knees and thanking whatever deities you believe in that I seem to be unable to spontaneously develop the power to reach through the Internet and slap the stupid out of you.

You, my friend, don’t seem to know that you’re supposed to quit when you’re behind. When you’ve realized that you’ve dug yourself into a hole, you stop digging. As it is, you have done goofed. Big time.

Dr. NerdLove’s Rule #43: You gotta pick one.

Here’s a hint: trying to go for both women — especially two women who not only know each other and are friends — without alienating EVERYONE only works in Archie comics and porn. You keep flip-flopping between the the two girls like a bad sitcom. As soon as you get shot down by one, you go back to the other. Three goddamn times going by your letter.

To be perfectly honest, I’m kind of astounded that either of them are still talking to you after the FIRST time you decided that that no, you liked L, no wait, you liked J, no wait…

So you like J. Fair enough. You missed your window of opportunity because you were too busy trying to set up the perfect moment. You – and many men like you, including myself before I wised up – don’t seem to realize: there is no perfect moment. There is this moment. That’s it. Waiting for the perfect moment is just an excuse to chicken out.

Because you were so busy hemming and hawing, some other jerk comes along and, critically, doesn’t hesitate and he gets with J instead. Hey, that happens, and even if you had made your move, you may still have gotten shot down. At least you would’ve had closure but still. Bygones.

So instead, you develop feelings for L, your new best friend. The one who was “safe” because she was taken. So instead of playing games, you were straight with her. You were your real self. You felt confident around her. Hell, you made a goddamn move… kind of. But hey, this one seems to have gone better. S

t, you’ve even found out she’s been kinda interested in you from the beginning and this is part of why J said no.

(Side note: I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, you can’t call dibs on people. I don’t give a damn who saw them first or how long you’ve had a crush on them. If you want somebody, you rolls the dice and you takes your chances – otherwise they’re fair game for all and sundry.)

But hey, now J’s back and being all flirty and you’re getting confused. Well, here’s a free clue for you: sometimes people like to flirt. Maybe J was missing the attention you were lavishing on her. Maybe J’s jealous that L’s getting your attention and she’s kind of an a

hole like that. Doesn’t matter, because you apparently believe that your dating life is an open democracy.

I’m sorry, but peer pressure is the worst excuse I’ve heard for a boneheaded mistake in a long time. I realize you’re young but if you asked a girl out because everyone else told you to, I hope you’re looking forward to spending the rest of your life as Marty McFly’s dad… before the timeline where he smacked Biff across the mouth.

Let’s be honest here Six: it was because L didn’t break up with her boyfriend. You were hurt, J was being all flirty again…

As a result, you decided to pull the worst mistake anyone in your situation could have: you decided to switch Door Number 2 for Door Number 1. And since dating isn’t the Monty Hall Problem, you ended up with nothing. 

You know why?

Dr. NerdLove’s Rule #27: Nobody likes to feel like they’re your contingency plan.

By going after J, you were telling her “Enh, you’ll do,” which is incredibly insulting to her. “Baby, you’re totally the girl I want… assuming that this other girl says no first.” is not the key to a woman’s heart.

Then, just to add insult to (L’s) injury: you say you knew you were going to get rejected in advance. So not only did you hurt L – who you supposedly have feelings for – but you hit on someone knowing that she was going to say no anyway. So for all intents and purposes, you tossed L’s feelings aside for no good reason.

“I think I upset her somewhere along the way.”

Ya think?

SPOILER WARNING: of course you f

king did.

If L isn’t mad at you, I’m going to be amazed. She’s well within her rights to hate you with the passion of a thousand burning suns. I’m goddamn astounded she’s still willing to talk to you at all. 

You want whatever chance you have to save your friendship? You want to know what you do?

You man the hell up and apologize to her for being an a

hole. You’re gonna have to talk about it and you’re gonna have to just risk “saying too much” because you owe it to her to let her scream at you for being a selfish bag of dicks. If you’re especially lucky – and you’d better hope that God really does look after fools and Irishmen – she won’t bludgeon you with something heavy. And when she’s done screaming, crying and screaming at you some more… you back the hell off.  She’s going to need time and distance to heal – and decide how she’s gonna deal with your dumb ass.

Oh, and you don’t get to date J either. Sorry. She’s L’s friend too and your trying to hit that is just going to be another reminder of just how much you f

ked up. She’s not your intermediary. She’s not your spy. You don’t get to use her to try to find out what’s going on with L or to use her as your go-between to pass messages.

Look, I know I’m being hard on you, but you’ve gone and needlessly hurt two people –  one of whom is your best friend – because you can’t stick to your emotional guns. And there’s no guarantee that there will be any saving your friendship. It’s going to take a long time for things to recover – if they ever do. The only thing you can do is wait.

And be less of an idiot next time.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m am 23 and in my last semester of college. I am a virgin. The closest I’ve come is with a girl at a team party who approached me and made the first move. We were about to get down then she changed her mind at the last minute. How do I deal with being fat friend? I feel like whenever I go out with my friends I am the only one who never gets approached by girls. I feel like when we go to bars or parties I’m immediately ditched for my better looking more in shape friends. I can tell its because I’m fat.

I feel like when I go up to talk to girls I’m just wasting my time and theirs. I feel like girls everywhere we go just see my friends and then me the designated fat friend. I can help but feel like I’m not good enough for any girl. So I just become quiet and reserved. It’s hard because I see people of all sorts having sex or are in relationships. Sometimes I feel depressed and suicidal (nothing serious) I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I’m doing the basics right. I always dress nice( I thank my dad for that one) I have lots of female friends that describe me as funny and charming. I’ve met very few people I couldn’t get along with. I couldn’t  I’ve done what parents said would make me happy. I am a collegiate athlete, I am a member of a popular fraternity. Yet none of these things make me feel better about myself. 

Thanks for seeing me Doc. 

Designated Fat Friend.

DEAR DESIGNATED FAT FRIEND: DFF, I think you have problems. It’s just that they’re not what you think they are.

To start with: you sound like you’re dealing with depression. Not just “feeling a little down today” blues but full-blown, chronic depression. I can tell because quite frankly you sound a lot like I did when my depression was at it’s worst. I mean, holy s

t dude, “sometimes I feel suicidal but it’s not serious”?  Feeling like the best thing you can do is just end things is GODDAMN serious when you’re dealing with depression.

Here’s the sneaky thing about depression: it lies to you. Depression feeds back all the worst things you already suspect about yourself, except as irrefutable fact. It’s the emotional equivalent of confirmation bias; you only see the things that validate the awful way you feel about yourself and ignore just about everything in your life that tells you otherwise. And it’s especially insidious because you can be doing everything “right”, have an amazing damn life and still be depressed. In fact, it’s often worse because now you’re getting down on yourself for being depressed in the first place when you have nothing to be depressed about and other people have it so much worse than you do.

So my first suggestion for you is that you take advantage of the fact that you’re still in college. Go to the Health Services Center and see about making an appointment with a therapist to talk about the way you’ve been feeling. They may recommend a few different potential therapies, including medication if need be, which can help you with the way you’ve been feeling lately.

Now, all that aside, let’s get to your other problem. Because, you see, the problem isn’t that you’re fat, the problem is the attitude you have about yourself. You’ve bought into the idea that you’re Fat with a capital F and this somehow has rendered you unf

kable and undesirable, and adopted this core identity of The Fat, Loveless Virgin. The fact that you see yourself this way completely affects just about everything in your life. You don’t believe that women can possibly find you attractive, so you don’t even try; you just withdraw into yourself. You’re not talking to anyone. You’re not really making an effort. You’re sitting there, quiet and withdrawn and sending off vibes that say “It’s ok if you don’t want to talk to me, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either” and wondering why people don’t approach you. And here’s the thing: the way you label yourself affects how other people see you too. You’ve turned Fat, Loveless Virgin into your personal brand, and people are buying into the stereotypes because, honestly, you’re not really giving them anything else to work with.

I mean, hell dude, let’s be objective here. You say you dress well, you’re funny and charming, you make friends easily, you’re an athlete and a member of a popular fraternity. By most people’s standards, you’re a catch. So what’s the problem?

The problem is that you’re getting hung up on the fat thing. And it’s understandable; body size is one of the few things society still views as acceptable to shame people for. I mean hell, I saw well-known men’s magazine that had an article called “The Portly Man’s Guide To Fashion” that’s 99% fat jokes, 1% fashion. Something that promises to help – because finding clothes that fit and look good when you’re big is a legitimate challenge – and all it does is swing for the balls instead. So even things that promise to be helpful are just insults in disguise. That sort of s

t is going to wear down your soul, man. So I get why you feel the way you do.

So let’s work on changing it.

Here’s the thing: women love a wide variety of body types from the heroin-thin to swimmer’s builds, to barrel-chests to straight-up fat dudes. What makes someone attractive and/or datable isn’t whether they look like an underwear model, it’s what they bring to the table and how they make people feel. From everything you’ve said, you bring a lot to the table… but while you’re clearly capable of making people feel good, you’re not really doing it. That mental identity you’ve chosen for yourself is filtering out all of those opportunities to go out and wow people with your wit and charm… and I’m more than willing to bet that you’re missing out on people who are interested in you. When you’re convinced that you’re unlovable or unf

kable, you end up ignoring even some of the most blatant come-ons because you’re convinced that they couldn’t possibly be interested in you. Trust me, I can relate: there was a time in college where I missed out on a hook-up with a girl who straight-up invited me back to her place for a hot cup of F

K ME TILL MY EYES BLEED because I thought I was misreading things.

I’m assuming that you want to get better, yes? I’m also assuming that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to learn how to get better with women and feel better about yourself. So I want you to trust me and do what I tell you, without hemming, hawing or otherwise arguing with me about why something is impossible or can’t work.

First: start visiting these blogs – Chubstr and Chubby Guy Swag. If you want to deprogram the bulls

t idea that you can’t possibly be attractive, cool, sexy or badass, you need to see other hefty dudes just killin’ it. You need some positive reinforcement in your life.

Second: dress sharp. I know you already say you’re a snazzy dresser, but I want you to kick it up a notch. Why? Because not only will it help you stand out the right way, but it’ll make you feel sharp. Our clothes are an outward extension of who we are. When you dress like a million bucks, you feel like a million bucks. I’ve got some tips specifically for bigger dudes when it comes to how to dress better and big-man fashion blogs like Chubstr can help you put styles and outfits together.

Third: I want you to stop pretending you’re a mind-reader. You’re making a whole lot of unwarranted assumptions about what other people like and whether they could possibly find you attractive. That’s your jerkbrain talking and you need to quit listening to it. Instead, I want you to go into interactions with people assuming that you’re going to be friends and that they’re going to like you. You’re not “wasting their time”, you’re the cool guy they should want to get to know!

Fourth:  I want you to start faking some confidence. That means holding your head up high, walking with your back straight, your shoulders back, a s

t-eating grin and a swagger in the step that says “walked into the library like what up, I’ve got a big dictionary.” Yes, it’s going to feel weird at first. But here’s the crazy thing: it’s going to make you feel more confident. Our brains take emotional cues from our bodies; carrying yourself like you’re confident means your brain is going to make you feel more confident. That helps form a biofeedback loop that’s going to make you feel better about yourself overall.

Incidentally, this means no hiding in corners or curling in on yourself when you’re out with friends. You already know that you can be funny and charming and get people to like you. Time to prove it, even if you have to psych yourself up to it by assuming a persona at first. If you want to be the cool guy people approach, you have to give off approachable vibes; that’s not “quiet and withdrawn”.

Finally: This is going to be a bit woo-woo new-age-y pop psychology sounding but stick with me. Every morning when you’ve gotten up, gotten dressed and are about to face the day? I want you to look in the mirror give yourself a compliment. In the middle of the day? I want you to give yourself a compliment. Before you go to bed? Compliment yourself. It can be something as simple as “Damn, I’m looking good”, or it can be acknowledging something cool you’ve just done. But I want you to do it regularly. You’re spending most of your time beating yourself up. Now it’s time to be good to yourself. You need to build up your sense of internal validation and being that means being willing to acknowledge your good side… something you don’t really do.

As I’m always saying: dating success is 80% attitude… and that includes your attitude about yourself. You’ve got the tools. You’ve got the talent. Now you need to realize it.

Talk to health services. Get your depression under control. And then start practicing some self-love and recognize how much you bring to the table. You need to recognize your awesomeness. DFF. Because you’ve definitely got it.

Good luck, man.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m one of those lucky guys who met their significant other pretty damn early in their life. In my case she is my second girlfriend and I met her even before college. I married her a few years ago and we still have a very affectionate and fulfilled relationship. But nevertheless, now being in my late twenties, I have to admit to myself that I’m probably not so much into life-long monogamy.

Fortunately, my wife feels the same and so we read your articles about non-monogamy and talked a lot about the pros and cons of opening the relationship. While neither of us is really comfortable with the idea of an actual open relationship, we both agreed that some extra-martial action is tolerable as long as we keep it secret and within reasonable limits (though keeping it secret from one another might make it hard to gauge and maintain a certain symmetry in our respective promiscuity). 

So I decided to keep my eyes open for a potential partner in crime, became more outgoing and more comfortable with flirting, but I soon noticed a problem which puzzled me: Is there any way I can tell a woman that I’m interested in a sexual adventure or even a little romance, but that she has to accept the fact that my wife is my number one and that there’s no chance I would dump a decade long relationship for a casual hook-up without sounding like a jerk?

Though I’m quite sure that there’s a tremendous number of women who are interested in that sort of no strings attached flings, directly approaching them and saying something along in the lines of “Hey, I think you’re hot and it’d be great if the two of us made your bed squeak this weekend, as long as you don’t tell my wife!” could be just a little too much for a girl you just met in a coffee shop.

On the other hand, asking a woman out, having a date or two and eventually telling her that “Yeah, I enjoyed your company (and your soft parts), but you know, there’s this girl I’m married to and you’d better not call me again. Sorry if you misunderstood my intentions” would make me a complete a

hole to say the least.

So, Doc, where do you see the golden mean between those extremes? Or do you recommend something entirely different?

Married My Second Girlfriend

DEAR MARRIED MY SECOND GIRLFRIEND: First of all, good for you for having the sort of relationship that you and your wife can communicate your desires openly and honestly!

As a general rule, I am a big believer in full disclosure when it comes to opening up the relationship, and I’m sure many of the poly and monogamish readers of the column are too. This is important if only so that both of you can provide a certain level of accountability to one another with regards to your limits, as well as to be able to touch base with how you both are feeling about the matter. I tend to believe that more communication is better in general, but even more so with open relationships. If nothing else, you may find that talking about what the two of you have been doing with your outside partners may bring new and unexpected sexual excitement to your own relationship.

But hey, everybody gets to make the rules for their own relationships and if being mutually discrete makes it work for you, go for it… with one caveat that I will get to in a moment.

Finding a new partner while you’re in an open relationship can be tricky. There will be plenty of people who just aren’t cool with banging a married man, no matter what permission slips his wife has given to him, which is why I generally recommend early disclosure… ideally before you go on that first date. It’s only fair that you let them know in advance what they’re signing on for. Yes, this means that there will be women who will refuse to date or sleep with you right off the bat; this is the price you pay for being ethically open rather than a cheating piece-of-s

t going behind his wife’s back.

Now, there ARE women out there who are interested in no-strings-attached sex and there are women who won’t mind playing around with a guy who already has a girlfriend or a wife. Some will get off on “seducing” a married man into cheating, while others won’t mind as long as she can actually confirm with your wife that you’re actually on the up and up about being in a semi-open relationship and not a cheating piece-of-s

t who’s just saying whatever it takes to get laid. And believe me, there are plenty of dudes out there who will say “Yeah, my wife’s totally cool with this, no need to ask her…” in order to get into somebody’s panties.

Thus the exception: while in an ideal world the two of you would have a complete DADT arrangement, if she wants to talk to your wife – or meet with her, without you – in order to make sure you have permission to be let off the leash, you make the arrangements. If you and the wife aren’t cool with this… well, you’re more or less going to have to accept that there will be people who would otherwise love to sleep with you that are now considered out of bounds. Sorry.

That having been said, you may have an easier time finding potential partners by looking for people who’ve already opted into ethical non-monogamy. You can start by creating accounts on various dating apps that have options for open relationships. OKCupid specifically allows people to indicate that they’re in an open relationship, while apps like Hinge and #Open are designed with polyamory and non-monogamy in mind. This helps smooth out the conversations surrounding whether or not your potential play partner is ok with dating a married man, and it helps ensure that everyone is on the same page about where that relationship is going.

Similarly, while this may not fall within your mutual secrecy pact, it may be worth your time to find the local poly community and make inroads there. Getting to know people within that community makes it much easier to find people who would not only be open to dating or sex but who are much more likely to respect the rules you two have established.

You may also be interested in checking out sex clubs or swingers events as well. While yes, this does mean that you’re not going to be able to maintain the illusion of ignorance as easily, it does put you in a locale where you can potentially find partner who what what you have to offer. And the fact that you met them at those parties or clubs doesn’t mean that you have to hook up with them there. You and your wife can just as easily make arrangements to meet up later and pretend that neither of you has any idea.

In the meantime, I’d recommend you do your due diligence and read up on ethical non-monogamy. I’d recommend starting with The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Harvey, then move to Opening Up by Tristain Taormino and Building Open Relationships: Your hands-on guide to swinging, polyamory, and beyond! by Dr. Liz Powell. These will help serve as a guide for navigating the tricky ethics of open relationships. It covers all of these issues and many that you and your wife may not have thought of.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)